To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

I just feel the physical tie women have is more arduous

This made me laugh. You are right! It's a lot more arduous for women. But also, more controversially, it's mentally and emotionally more arduous for us too. Fathers' attention doesn't get hooked by the baby in the same way. I know people disagree, but that's what I see all the time.

Chances are that you could have a baby later if you did decide you wanted one. Although fertility declines, most women who have conceived once are able to conceive again into their 40s. So the GP’s comment was pretty irresponsible.

But this is about you and how you feel now. I think it’s not uncommon to only realise how you feel about a dilemma when one option appears to have gone, so your feelings about your discharge are important. If the GP’s comments are the only weight on one side of the argument then maybe just talk through your possible future fertility with a trained counsellor?

Imagine you had a natural miscarriage. What would be your initial reaction? Relief or sadness? That might help tell you something about how you feel deep down.

I don't want to be unfair to him. Their marriage ended very badly and things were difficult between them for a long time. His girls just adore him, though, it warms my heart to see them together.

I just don't know if I can imagine that for myself.

PROS having children:

• Existential reason for being sorted: no silent dark moments of staring at the winter trees banging against the window and thinking "jesus christ....what am I alive for?"
• Good chance of being tended to in old age
• The pleasure of seeing the world again through a childs eyes
• The sense of receiving unconditional love when the child is a child
• The joy of passing on your values and knowledge
• The fascination of watching a human being grow and evolve
• The physical manifestation of your love for your partner
• The reassurance that some part of you will continue living beyond your own death

CONS having children:

• Potentially destroyed body and/or disability
• Financial and geographic freedom severely curtailed
• No more time for yourself or spent developing your own interests or talents in a meaningful way for a few years, since your partner wont be hands on
• No more jumping at sudden changes of direction or opportunities that require upheaval
• A loss of self in a sense, as your primary reason for being will be to nourish and protect your child until they are 18 or beyond
• Significantly higher stress levels and anxiety
• A weakening of old friendships and family relationships as your life needs restructuring to make the child your priority
• A shift in your romantic relationship, and if that fails, hindered opportunities and freedom to meet someone new
• Not as important but still worth considering: changed vision of yourself as you may struggle with potential physical changes to your body that are lasting, hair loss, lines on the face from tiredness, etc etc. Not a big deal for some women, a big deal for others.

Just how I see it.

you would be selfish and immature to have a baby you didn't really want.
I think this is nonsense. How do you know what it is like to have a baby until you have it? Plenty of mothers do want babies but then cannot deal with the reality, or can deal with it, and find it harder than they imagined.
OP is being thoughtful in imagining all sorts of scenarios, but actually the most normal scenario is that you don't particularily look forward to the prospect, and then quite like being a parent. Which is what 90 percent of the population who are moderately intelligent and of moderate good sense will find. So odds are, it will be fine.

This made me laugh, gwacky, thanks. I think it pretty much sums up the dilemma perfectly.

Maybe it's like a Buddhist test. Picking the fulfilling and worthwhile path over the superficial pleasure path.

But superficial pleasure is fun :(

I had dc later in life, and it certainly has been the case that I do the "heavy lifting". My career, such as it was, has suffered too. Despite this it has absolutely been the right thing for me to do, and I've been surprised how much I've taken to it, having been resolutely child-free until the second half of my 30s. I don't want to try to influence your decision but some of the things you post just sound like the doubts many women our age feel about such a big change. It is possible to not fall in love with your baby (which you seem to be concerned about) but it is very unlikely and far more likely that you would. If you are completely satisfied with every aspect of your life just now I would not have a baby as it will definitely change things. I think I was already becoming disillusioned with the job treadmill and wanted a new sort of challenge - a challenge certainly being what I got!

Not bitching men here but it's very easy for men to walk away and start a new life. I was married for 12 years, had 5 children with my ex husband. After our divorce 11 years ago, he walked away and has never seen his children or contributed towards them since. He has since remarried and had three more whilst I've been left to carry it all.
I still don't regret having my children but yes, my career has taken a back seat and I'm a full time career for my autistic son.
I can honestly say, I would choose my children over a career over and over again.
If your partner isn't that involved in his current children's upbringing, that says a lot about him as a father all together.
It sounds like you need to consider this as possibly being a single mother which isn't easy I can tell you!
Keeping a baby because you're pregnant isn't for the right reasons.
Also, having a child and then putting it up for adoption i find personally unkind. There are far too many children in the system already.
Im sorry you're going through this.
X

Could I add to the list of cons? I adore my children and became a mother very readily but I am very frequently now distressed by the future of the world they have been born into. I feel guilty and scared that they are likely to have a substantially worse life than me because of the many challenges that climate change will bring.

@IonnaS
Well, I also think our society kinda brainwashes us into thinking that having children is the more worthwhile and meaningful path. But surely having the time and money to travel, produce art, care for animals, nurture deep friendships, do charity work and work in the community, read books and watch films extensively, care for family members in need, sleep well, study, build a career, care for your body and stay fit into old age.... Surely this too is a meaningful path. And some people, with the right personality and a strong support network, manage both :)

It's not your last chance at all. Plenty of women have children in their 40s.

but actually the most normal scenario is that you don't particularily look forward to the prospect, and then quite like being a parent

Normal? This just sounds like a lazy plot line for an overworked soap scriptwriter. Mostly once women have children then they are expected to be grateful for them and face instant rebukes of "think of all the infertile people who don't have this gift" to knock them in to a fine performance of motherhood.

So, how would anyone know how many mothers regret their children. But from Mumsnet, it's clear that some do and I wouldn't spin the wheel on that from a place of apathy.

I really love Gwacky's list
I don't think the doctor was unreasonable. As well as having to ttc in later 30s/early 40s OP would have to get past that magic first trimester and she is a good way through it already (I assume has had a scan hence knowing it's 9 weeks, so has seen a hb, and your chances of miscarrying decrease after that, though not to zero).

This scares me too, raspberry. Last night dp said over dinner "I doubt the world will still be standing in 50 years time" and I had to go and sit in the bathroom for a bit. Then I started thinking about all the mums who have lost kids in war and oh god.

I think part of my problem is that I'm not 100% sold on the human experience and I'm not sure about foisting that on a new innocent person. My mum would say this is neurotic of me and she'd probably be correct.

@gwackywacky bloody brilliant!
What she said!
After 5 kids I think I look bloody amazing! Apart from the lose skin on my stomach, I'm the bomb! 😂
We age and our bodies change. We don't live forever. Provided we're content in our skin and we take care of ourselves- though this is difficult due to lack of 'personal time'. I found going to the park and running laps with my kids was all fun for them but a workout for me.
I think it's important to also view our kids as our mates with a lot of boundaries and actually have fun with them and there is a lot of fun to be had!

I don’t think that’s neurotic. The world feels like a big mess at the moment.

The doctor printed off the scan and then when I came back from getting my blood taken she'd left it on top of the shredder and honestly that was upsetting.

But why if it's just for shredding. Am an idiot.

I should just think of something worthwhile I can commit myself to that will help as many people as possible and do that.

@IonnaS Why dont you try thinking about it like this: consider your life right now. What is it about your life right now that you really love? And what things do you feel would make your life better? Maybe if you remove the baby from the equation temporarily and try and get a sense of how you're feeling about your life as it is, you'll have a better idea of what you need to do?

I don’t think you sound 100% about the termination. I think you’ll massively regret it.

Think about what you want from your life and if starting a family is something you want. Some parts may be more off putting e.g. the birth or the baby years, however some parts of having a family may be more meaningful to you e.g. helping your child with homework at secondary school, or travelling with your teenager or having family around you as you age. However you may really enjoy things you never thought you would!

I had a abortion in my 30s, I already have two children though, somehow that made it worse for me, as I'm already maternal and love been a mum, I just couldn't cope financially or mentally with more though.
It was a hard decision (for me) to live with at first, but it's 10 months later for me and I'm doing fine, I struggled lots in the beginning but I know now I did the right thing, I do sometimes wonder 'what if' but I knew I couldn't cope with more, it was the right thing for me and my family.
The one thing I would recommend is to have some counselling before and after, I didn't and it's the one thing I regret, I think it would have cleared things up in my head just that bit more.
Writing a list of the pros and cons helped me, looking at baby things to see if I ignited a spark (it didn't, just filled me with dread) and talking, confide in someone in real life, someone who won't judge and will be there for you. Good luck

I really feel for you, it is not an easy decision. All I can do is share my story: I wasn't really maternal, but I knew I liked children as I'm an EYFS teacher! But my DH and I planned to try for a baby once we were married. Who knows when we would have decided to start...I got pregnant by mistake 9 weeks before the wedding. I felt extremely ambivalent all the way through the pregnancy and for the first few weeks after I had her. It was awful. But then, then, I suddenly fell in love with her, hard! And although parenting has been very, very tiring and you are challenged in many different ways, I adore her so completely that I really couldn't care less about the other stuff. She's three now and so gorgeous and hilarious. But I don't want another one! I was 40 when I had her and the pregnancy and birth were fine. You are definitely not automatically high risk because of your age, as someone said above. In fact, I was so low risk that I was 'allowed' a home birth.
Am I trying to say 'keep it'? Not really, because you must go with your heart, gut, whatever. And if termination is right for you then do it! And enjoy your life and freedom! But if it is only 'head' reasons that are stopping you from having a baby, be brave and have it. But I agree that this is definitely not your last chance. Good luck!

I love that I am totally free and can go anywhere tomorrow if I want or just stay at home. And I love seeing my friends and eating nice food and having interesting chats with knowledgeable people. My career is a bit blah but pays the bills and I do like it. I have stalled so having a kid would not be to blame for my professional mediocrity!

I know that this seems unlikely to fit with having a small child but if there were some way that I could meld the two then I would do it. Part of me hopes that maybe you could be a portable duo and have adventures together. Or maybe freedom is a state of mind - perhaps love is a better adventure than 13 hours on a flipping jumbo jet.

Ask yourself how you would feel if you went to your next scan to be told you’d lost the baby. That will give you a big clue as to what you should do.
Also ignore the poster who said 38 is a high risk pregnancy, it’s really not.