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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a termination at 38

366 replies

IonnaS · 27/10/2019 14:38

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 27/10/2019 17:06

It's a very difficult decision and only you can decide. You could ponder this until the cows come home and still be unsure. None of us have a crystal ball, I'm afraid.

If you don't have any strong desire to have a child that's probably pointing you in the direction of a termination. My sympathy, you're in a tough position.

PsychoSmirk · 27/10/2019 17:06

Your choice.

I had my first and only (for medical reasons) child at 38 and it has been hard at times (particularly now when she is sixteen and I am fifty-five) but she was a model baby who ate and slept well and the world just seemed to "click" and make sense to me after having her, in a way it hadn't before.

She also opened up a huge, different fascinating world for me and my dh including lots of new friends and experiences (perhaps more so than usual because we live abroad and got to know a different culture through her) but my DH is hugely supportive, and we wanted more than one originally.

I never understood when people say "I do or don't like children". Surely one likes some children and not others - just as one likes some adults and not others - but having said that, I find babies and toddlers fascinating despite not being a traditionally "maternal" person I suppose. I love their thought processes, creativity and imagination.

I think it is good you are taking time out to think about this op and send lots of love and support to you having to make such a difficult decision Flowers

Atalune · 27/10/2019 17:06

No one can decide for you.

38 although is older it’s not old.

However if you haven’t had a desire before now to have a child.....

You’ll never really know what to do. Best of luck with your decisions whatever it may be.

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 17:07

@IonnaS
I know this is a bit left field OP but I suggest you get some tarot cards or go and do a reading. Tarot is NOT (IMO) some kind of weirdy spiritual connection thing. It's about seeing what unexpected things your subconscious throws up. It sounds like your mind is battling lots of different thoughts from lots of different angles and it's all getting mixed into a jumble of feelings. It could help you to approach the question by using cards to see what your subconscious throws up. Good luck and remember: there is no wrong answer. You cant make a wrong decision here.

Nettleskeins · 27/10/2019 17:09

It is the people who say they don't like children who are usually thoughtful enough to be good parents. The people who blithely assume they are super mummies are often self centred and controlling.
You have gifts.
Parents come in many forms and not necessarily all of them are interested in small wriggling cuddly objects or birth itself..
You seem to lack confidence in yourself and think you are not worthy. You are as worthy as anyone else to love and be loved. Your whole life isn't a "joke-shop". You are as important as the next person.

relax2 · 27/10/2019 17:11

If you really don't want one then don't have one but bare in mind if in a couple of years you decide you do and then can't or not with the right person that may long term affect you too. Only you can make such a big decision. Smile

StroppyWoman · 27/10/2019 17:11

Best of luck whatever you decide.

My impulse would be to terminate - I have children and I love them with all my heart. Had I not 100% wanted to have them and planned for them, I could imagine resenting the massive impact they had on our lives and the significant impact on my body.

Parenting is HARD. Not just the tiring but simple early years, the school experiences, the teen years. You're in it forever, and it's best to enter it willingly at your own timetable.

You haven't had trouble conceiving so if you decide having a child is something you want in the future, that's still possible.

SpaceCadet4000 · 27/10/2019 17:13

Find a counsellor and talk this through with them. Whatever you do, it needs to be your choice. An unplanned pregnancy can really knock you sideways (I've been there!)- be kind to yourself.

I also wanted to assure you that women of all ages choose termination- when I had mine there were women in their 40's and teens all sitting in the waiting room. All of their reasons were valid, and there is no embarrassing reason to choose not to proceed with a pregnancy.

FWIW, I think it's pretty unfair for your doctor to have mentioned that to you during the appointment.

category12 · 27/10/2019 17:15

I think what a pp said earlier about better to regret not having a child than regret having one was very true.

Redwinestillfine · 27/10/2019 17:15

Have you told your partner? He should be supporting you through this.

CircleofWillis · 27/10/2019 17:16

I struggled with fertility for many years and finally had my much longed for child in my early forties.
I love her more than anything else in the world. However lots of things changed for me after having her some wonderful and some not so good.

Not so good

  1. my freedom has been seriously curtailed
  2. my lovely caring kind husband has turned into a sexist lazy man-child
  3. I have a LOT less money - children are expensive
  4. I was quite ill when I had my child and she was in hospital for almost 5 months
  5. limited to expensive holidays for 15 years as you can't holiday in term time.
  6. I still get up at night to check if she is breathing
  7. during the pregnancy we were given a high chance of her having DS so were preparing for a child with special needs. As it happens she doesn't have DS. She does have high functioning ASC which isn't a 'bad' for us but either condition or another disability becomes more likely as the parents become older.
  8. my career opportunities have been limited. E.g. I have recently turned down 2 contracts abroad which are generally 1-3 months in length.

Good

  1. she is the best thing in my life and makes me laugh every day
  2. unconditional love from a bright pair of eyes gazing at you makes all those night feeds worth while
  3. she has opened up my life to a whole new world. I am one of the rare people who actually like baby shark, ceebeebies, lol dolls, soft play and children's parties.
  4. two of my best friends I actually met through my child
  5. I love guiding this little new person through life and watching her do things for the first time
  6. the smell that comes off the top of your child's head.
  7. snuggling with a freshly bathed child.
  8. my fridge is covered with art that in my opinion should really have its own gallery at Tate Modern.

Oh course my daughter still in primary school. You might get a very different answer from me in 8-10 years time.

Good luck with making the best decision for you OP.

Lovemusic33 · 27/10/2019 17:19

I’m the same age as you OP and I think if I got pregnant now I would seriously consider an abortion. I do have 2 teenagers, I didn’t really want kids but it kind of happened, I found it hard raising them (still do) though some times I wonder if it would have been easier waiting until I was in my 30’s (bit it could be a lot harder). Don’t let anyone influence your decision, it’s up to you what you want to do.

PepePig · 27/10/2019 17:21

I hate other children. Love my DD more than anything, though. The doctor might have came across harshly but she is right. Have a good think about it. You have a few weeks until your 12w scan, you might as well properly mull it over.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 17:21

My darling,
I am a mother of 5 but I wanted children. I have since fallen pregnant twice after and terminated both. I know our predicaments are different however, if you don't want children you are not obliged to do so. There is absolutely NO shame or anything else in having a termination.
I have a friend who was a year older than your good self in virtually identical situation. Had the means but no desire and had the child. She lives to regret it. I'm on the same page with those who don't like other people's children but like my own and even my own can seriously do my head in. Now they're much older things have got easier but saying that, that's no way to live or a good reason to have a child you don't feel you want.
Don't feel pressured in having a child because it may be your last chance. That is not true.
I'm 40 and bloody fertile like an 18 year old! Which is annoying.
If you don't want it, don't have it.
A child will change your life forever and not always for the better.
It's not selfish to want your own space and to not be hindered by a child.
Do what is right for your mental and emotional health. You're not less of a woman because you don't have a child neither are you incomplete because you don't have a child.
Do you whatever that is!
I wish you every happiness and success in whatever decision you make.
My thoughts and love is with you. Xx

Fishflame · 27/10/2019 17:22

Did the GP really tell you that this could be your last chance??!

Anyway, best of luck Thanks

Baboomtsk · 27/10/2019 17:25

100% your choice but the impression I get is that you didn't have any particular desire for children and that you're only hesitating because you've been pressured/quasi-shamed by the GP.

I think whichever decision you make you'll look back at some point and wonder what if. The difference being, if you have a child and regret it (which can and does happen) you'll be painfully reminded of the freedom you're missing on a daily basis for many many years.

It's all very well for people to say that you feel differently about your own but at best they can only give you the benefit of their own experience. They can't know that's true for everyone (and if you want a different perspective Google hate being a parent or hate being a mum Mumsnet).

Another thing to consider is that if you regret the termination, that regret will only really affect you. If you regret having the child that child may also face the consequences of your regret.

I would think carefully about the future. Presumably, you had some idea of how things were likely to play out before this happened. Do you still want that? If not why not?

Also try to picture what it would be like to have a child, both the best case and worst case scenarios. Do you feel positively enough about the best case scenario to risk the worst case scenario?

Djimino · 27/10/2019 17:28

I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option

You would be selfish and immature to have a baby you didn't really want.

It a difficult situation and one where it's impossible to know for sure what the best thing to do is so you have to just make the best choice you can and go with it. There is no point agonising over it too much as you will never be able to know for sure what to do.

Good luck.

Pandainmyporridge · 27/10/2019 17:29

How you feel about other people's children really is no indicator about how you would feel about your own.
I would suggest you toss a coin.
(seriously, if you are pleased with the result it confirms your decision, if you want to toss again it also shows you how you really feel!)

speakout · 27/10/2019 17:31

I would seek some counselling. You need help to come to your decision.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 17:32

Honestly if the doctor hadn't said that (I don't think it was entirely wrong of her - it's a relevant medical fact and she must see people on the other side of the issue every day) then I'd have asked to book in immediately. Existential stuff is really the worst.

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 27/10/2019 17:33

Like you OP, I never wanted kids. Never had them. I'm now over 50. I don't regret it.

WitsEnding · 27/10/2019 17:34

I had a termination at 38 (after my children) as neither of us wanted to have a baby together. It was a joint decision and I don't regret it. My then partner never had children and says not having any is his biggest regret in life.

Original poster
IonnaS · 27/10/2019 17:36

I think if I were a man I would definitely be keener. This is probably sexist of me (and I'm not undervaluing the work a good dad does - I just feel the physical tie women have is more arduous).

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2019 17:40

It's a sexist world and it's seldom that fathers actually pick up 50% of the childcare.

Baguetteaboutit · 27/10/2019 17:41

Given that you said that your partner lets his ex do all the heavy lifting in raising his existing children, then I imagine that parenting does look exceptionally easy from a man's point of view!