To be considering a termination at 38

[IonnaS]

I haven't any kids and have never wanted any (although I am a bit worried I'll wake up one day and realise I was wrong and stupid not to have some). Partner has kids from previous marriage and no particular desire for more.

On Monday I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant (had no idea, don't remember missing a period, still feel pretty normal if a bit thirstier than usual, it's so surreal). Panicked and booked an appointment with a private doctor. She pointed out this could be my last chance to have a child and, although obviously I know that, it still jarred. Have gone away to think about things for a few days.

Maybe this is fate telling me to go for it. I am embarrassed and scared about having a termination. And I do have the practical ability to support a child (not so sure about emotionally).

But even now I look at children and don't find them at all intriguing or cute, just a bit annoying and noisy and too fast. I hate the idea of not being able to go the toilet alone.

I know no one can decide for me and that this is stupid of me to even ask. I think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother and that the termination is the less bad option.

Thanks for the vent.

I wasn't trying to have an abstract argument. I was horrified that just as the OP seemed to have found some calm & inner peace,

the OP having explicitly said that she felt relieved & happy that the doctor had told her it's 'not a big deal',

posters were rushing to tell her that actually, it IS a big deal, & she SHOULDN'T feel relieved and happy

OP wrote:

He said it's a very early pregnancy not a big deal I will look after you and it will be fine. I am so relieved.

Why the fuck would anyone respond to that post by saying, as @TatianaLarina did,

It is a very big deal whichever way you look at it.

when the OP had literally just said that being told it's "not a big deal" was making her feel "relieved" and happy for the first time in ages??

You're backtracking now @TatianaLarina , but the fact is that you read the OP saying she felt OK about things now, and rushed to destroy that sense of her feeling OK as soon as you possibly could, by telling her that she is wrong & it IS a big deal.

I really hope that the OP managed to hold on to that sense of relief and happiness in the light of your thoughtless (at best) posts.

Being uncertain even when a pregnancy is planned is something I think a lot of women feel initially.

Almost a panic when they realise what they planned for or didn’t plan for is happening.

Some women plan on having children and when they arrive feel like they should have remained childless whilst some women who thought they would be childless end up with children and it’s the best thing they ever did
and some are quite happy childless

Everyone is different. It is giving yourself time to find out which one you are and sometimes you don’t know till you see your baby or after you terminate.

@Quitedrab

Being 38 and first time mother does not make your pregnancy high risk at all

High risk pregnancies are for specific reasons and age is just one factor to affect how your pregnancy is managed.

Plus it completely depends on what authority you are under, in some districts women over 34 are considered advanced maternal and others it is over 40. Even so, this doesn’t make them high risk.

HTH

alka just stop.

@grumpos you are right. I think i should have said age increases the risk of a high risk pregnancy? that's what I meant but I got the terminology wrong. Thanks for the fix.

I'm sorry to hear that you're hungry, tired and horny. I hope you've been able to address those needs in the meantime.

I fear for someone swayed like this by doctors (twice!)

Oh ffs there is no evidence she was "swayed by doctors". She talked through her options with two doctors, one of whim managed to allay some of her fears. Op i hope you have found some peace with your decision.

I think the Doctor was very very irresponsible telling you it’s not a ‘big deal’.
A termination is a very big deal. No matter how far along you are and even if you do feel 100% that it’s the right decision.

A termination is a very big deal

It can be. It isn’t for everyone of course.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I think you have misunderstood the comment. By saying it wasn't a big deal, (and the OP would be paraphrasing I'm sure)I took that to mean that an early termination at 9 weeks was not 'so serious ' from a medical perspective. (Compared to say 20 weeks.) I do not think for a moment the dr meant emtionally it wasn't a big deal and you are pretty dim to think he meant that.

And...as shown by many posts here from women who have had terminations, it's not a big deal in either sense for some.

It's only your view it's a big deal (emotionally) and it's not exactly helping the OP to come along with that comment. What positive vibes are you expecting to achieve by it?

I'm sure he meant it's not a big deal medically, I had a termination at 8 weeks pregnant and it wasn't a big deal, I took some tablets, had some cramps and bled for a while. Medically it was easy, emotionally it was hard at first but that's also due to hormones crashing, 10 months later and I'm good, it wasn't a big deal, for me.
Good luck OP. I hope it isn't a 'big deal' for you if you go through with the termination.

Delighted you have found a kind doctor OP.

Mind yourself and the very best of luck.
💐

You really sound to me like someone who doesn't want children (like me)

I'd be bloody horrified if I got pg now. I also think i'd feel just the same as you - wishing I wanted it... but really didn't in reality.

I wish you well in whatever you choose - but pls don't let other people's opinion sway you - here or in RL. This will be for the rest of your life, and an unwanted child will bring no-one joy.

Hi ok , just dropping by to see if you have made your decision / discussed with your dp ?

Oops not ok , op ! Sorry typo !

think I'd appreciate it if you could all tell me I'm obviously much too selfish and immature to be a mother

Hey sweetheart
It is no more selfish or immature to stay childfree than it is to have children.
Stop - just stop right now! - judging yourself.
Parturition does not confer instant sainthood, maturity or selflessness.
From a thread here only this week, women were reporting that most mothers they know would confide regret, or at least a rethink of their choices to have children.

Nobody here can advise you.
But I'll tell you this plainly - no, it is NOT "fate" plucking at your sleeve with a last chance baby.
Consider, really hard-headedly, things that you mention like never being able to go to the loo alone. That's a small thing in itself, but your response to it, as well as questions about career, mental health, support, total life change ...
Then compare with how you really feel about being responsible for a tiny life, & how much you might yearn to do that.

Do you have nieces, nephews, close chums with babies? Hang out with them, & see how it feels.

Just don't, for fucksake, have a baby because ... "fate".

Good luck.