Am I a CF? To think that she wants to say no but doesn't know how?

[nomeansno1]

I’m starting work soon, and asked a mum friend of mine if she could look after DS3, Monday-Thursday 9-1pm, and take him nursery at 1pm just until Christmas. He’s at nursery from 1-4pm.

In return I will pick her kids up from school everyday, and take them to their activities and drop them home. They go to the same school and do the same activities/clubs as my older two children.
I asked her because she has a DD a year younger than my DS, lives opposite me, and she knows the nursery as her DC use to go there. She’s always said if I needed help, I should just ask. I just want her to help me out in the mornings.

I sent her the message yesterday, she has read it but hasn’t replied. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m coming off as a CF, and she wants to say no, but doesn’t know how. I’d rather her just say no, then completely blank me. It’s awkward, don’t know what to do now

You're asking a lot! I'm not sure if what your offering her in return is equal to what you're wanting. Basically morning childcare four days a week, plus drop offs.

That’s quite a lot to ask maybe offer to pay her. She would be giving you 15hours a week free childcare for the cost of the school run which probably isn’t that hard for her.

Jesus that’s loads to ask. Big much was you going to pay her

Does she actually require help for her kids to picked up from school / clubs i.e. would you actually be doing her a favour?

Something like this I would ask and discuss face to face especially if she only lives across the road, as less likely for any misguided intentions of CFery to occur

Are you expecting to pay her? If not, you're definitely a CF, I'm sorry!

It really depends on the kind of person she is but she’s definitely getting the raw end of the deal. 16 hours a week looking after someone else’s child when you may have better stuff to do, albeit with your own LO in tow. It’s a lot to ask. You’re getting like 128 hrs of free childcare.

Having said that some people would find this water off a ducks back

I can't believe you asked that of her. That is a MASSIVE ask.

If you want to make it easier just message "appreciate I'm asking a huge amount of you - no problem if it's too much, please don't be uncomfortable if you need to decline" and leave it there.

It's fine to ask a favour of friends, it's fine to say no to favours. Some people struggle with saying no, though, so give her an 'out'.

I would definitely say she feels awkward. Offering to give people a hand generally means if they're stuck every once in a while, not as regular child care for 2/3 months

you are asking a heck of a lot from her tbh. she is probably a bit shocked

"if you need any help just ask" doesn't equal 16 hours of childcare for atleast 2 months. I think you've been very cheeky and I don't really know how your going to get out of this with any grace.

The give & take is waaaaay off balance

This isn't a "favour" it is a 4day a week child care obligation!

Fair enough for a couple weeks if your proper childcare fell through but not this!

Wow! You’ve effectively asked her to work for her, for free!

It was a huge ask and I would think you are a huge CF. Maybe she likes collecting her children from school as it’s time with her family? I don’t think what you’ve offered in return is equal and it may not be wanted either.

Wow.

Op, that is essentially 16 hours childminding you have asked her to do per week. I suspect if she wanted to childmind she would and would get paid for it. I know you offered to help after school but that is very different and something she may not even require. On a one off basis this would probably be fine and within what she meant when she said she was happy to help but this is at least 6 weeks to Christmas. Paying her wouldn’t even particularly help (even if she is amenable) as she isn’t registered. I think your best response is to email back and say that you have thought about it some more, realised it was not reasonable/ sustainable and you are sorry for asking and hope it won’t affect your friendship.

You need to message her and offer an out, op

That's a huge ask! Sorry but definitely CF!

If I said to a friend "let me know if you need any help", I'd be imagining a one-off pickup if she was running late / had a doctor appt or something.

I think you need to take the pressure off her by texting her again before she replies, and saying you've realised that's too big a favour to ask and you'll sort out proper childcare and apologise for putting her on the spot.

Is she a registered childminder? Is yes, then you need to pay her going rate. If not, I’m not sure of the legalities of such an arrangement.

Yes you are a CF. when she said to ask if you need help I don't think she meant 4 hours per day childcare 4 days a week. I can't actually believe that you asked her.

I think most people would assume she meant she would be happy to help out on an odd occasion if you were ill / stuck / had an appointment.

Oh dear OP. That was a bit cheeky!

It is quite a lot to ask but is only until Christmas and you will be doing a lot in return.

She'll come back to you, probably wants to think about it and maybe talk it over with husband or someone.

It would have been better had you asked her face to face or at least telephoned her.

OP this is awkward. I would now send her a text saying looking at it written down you do think it seems a bit much, so to ignore you

You are a CF. But obviously one with some self realization so there's hope for you. I am not sure how the school run is a return favour if it's something she can actually easily do herself?

Christ that is a LOT of help you're asking for.

Plus, she might enjoy picking her kids up and taking them to activities.

That isn’t helping out, that is a massive imposition.
What happens at Christmas?