Am I a CF? To think that she wants to say no but doesn't know how?

[nomeansno1]

I’m starting work soon, and asked a mum friend of mine if she could look after DS3, Monday-Thursday 9-1pm, and take him nursery at 1pm just until Christmas. He’s at nursery from 1-4pm.

In return I will pick her kids up from school everyday, and take them to their activities and drop them home. They go to the same school and do the same activities/clubs as my older two children.
I asked her because she has a DD a year younger than my DS, lives opposite me, and she knows the nursery as her DC use to go there. She’s always said if I needed help, I should just ask. I just want her to help me out in the mornings.

I sent her the message yesterday, she has read it but hasn’t replied. Now I’m thinking maybe I’m coming off as a CF, and she wants to say no, but doesn’t know how. I’d rather her just say no, then completely blank me. It’s awkward, don’t know what to do now

I would be gobsmacked if you had texted me with your requirements tbh. Just offer to pay your friend for looking after after your child. She already has her Dc's needs covered. Your friend doesn't need you. But you need her. Just pay her the going rate for providing care for your dc 🤦‍♀️

How is this deal remotely fair? She would have to watch your kids 16 hours a week, while you would only have to drop them off to activities where other people watch them? Come on!

Can you text her now. If that was me I would be stressing all evening. Just say you went a bit mad, and asked for too much. You will apologise in the morning. Then at least she has a get out clause.

I've texted her, she replied within 10 mins 😂God, I feel awful. All that time, she was ignoring me on purpose because she didn't know what to say until I took it back

It isn't even particularly nice to ask a friend to be your babysitter for pay. So asking for what amounts to most of a schoolday four days a week for freeso you can save up money to pay a PAID baby-sitter lateryou have pushed it way too far.

Well, good for you for doing that.

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. We've all made errors of judgment!

Well at least it’s done now and normality can resume. I hope you have looked into all the government childcare payment help too. Not everyone accepts everything so check before using them!

Well done for putting your big girl pants on and sorting this out op. We all get caught up in the moment sometimes searching for a solution! You’ll laugh about this brain fart one day! Good luck with the ongoing game of childcare ‘jenga’ ad me and my DH call it!

Ah well done, not many people admit to being a CF with good grace

Also Op there have been cases where Ofsted have gotten involved where people have been caring for children who are not related to them even if money is involved. It was seen as unregistered childminding

please can we clear this urban myth once and for all?

there were 2 police officers who looked after each other's kids whent hey worked different shift patterns.
They were done by Ofsted for not being registered childminders.
They took it to court AND WON.
The judgment was that for casual reciprocal arrangements between friends/colleagues, when neither were being paid, it WAS FINE, no need for Ofsted etc.

There is also provision in law for paid baby sitting which is not covered by Ofsted.

No answer means NO.

Well done OP. It's never easy to admit you're wrong and act on it so at least you have redeemed the situation. What she say?

What did she say OP?

And what will you do now?

I'd be blocking you. You are taking the piss with this. You are taking your kids to activities anyway so your so-called favour in return is insulting.

Well no harm done.

Except there is, to your friendship. She will forever see you as someone who views her time as less valuable as her own. The friendship is probably over or at least very wounded. But this is a valuable lesson I guess. I do feel for you in a way, I know its so hard to afford childcare and work, the whole situation is awful. But the answer is not to pile more responsibility on women who are already dealing with so much.

than your own not as her own!

Oh FFS, it’s really not as big a deal as some people are making it out to be.

OP made an error in judgment, and OP, I don’t think you would have asked had you not genuinely believed you would do this for a friend for 8 weeks if they asked. So that, to me, is not cheeky fucker territory. Just a bit naive to think others think like you, that’s all.

To the PP saying the friendship has gone down the pan, oh so pipe down. There’ll be no harm done hopefully. OP realised her mistake and rectified it. I’ve had friends ask me for money, have politely turned them down, and then they’ve probably been far too embarrassed to ever ask me for something like that again. But the friendships are absolutely fine.

Most decent friends aren’t so bloody heartless and actually understand that to ask someone something like this means you’re probably a bit desperate and don’t have many options.

Good luck with the job and childcare, OP. You’ll be fine.

What did she reply?

Wow. YABVU and really cheeky! I think it’s a good thing you’ve taken it back but I can’t believe you even thought it was acceptable to ask her in the first place.

It is a big deal as it was such a ridiculous thing to ask. Look after my toddler for 4 hours every day and then at 1pm please take them to nursery. So friend would never be able to make any plans of her own with her child. She would have two toddlers to cart around. Never be able to do day trips out with her own child as she would have to do a nursery run with the other child at 1pm.

OP is all 😂 whoops, silly me. I think she needs to understand what a huge error she made in asking this of her friend and I doubt the friendship will recover. If she thinks that’s acceptable then her boundaries are all over the place.

Well done OP we all make mistakes. Did you see her this morning?

I think it’s the communication that’s gone awry here. Rather than thinking ‘we could both help each other out- I’ll see what would be helpful for her and we can talk about it’ you’ve assumed that she wants help with her kids going to clubs and walking home, or decided that this is as much as you’re prepared to do and offered it up as a done deal. She probably feels manipulated and streamrollered. I’d tread carefully for a while if you value her friendship and don’t view your friends as people you can use to save money or make your life easier.

That's a MASSIVELY one sided favour you're asking of her!!!! All that childcare for free?? Losing 4 out of 5 of her child-free mornings in return for a few school runs?? And to do it via text instead of face to face? No way. Too much. Definitely cheeky I'm afraid.

Well done for accepting you were unreasonable so graciously OP! Most posters would just dig their heels in with excuses.