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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be ungrateful to receive a gift that's going to cost me money?

243 replies

wintertime6 · 27/10/2019 08:08

I just don't understand why people think it's a nice thing to do? Me and DH were given a £30 voucher for a really fancy restaurant as a gift. Yes, I know that it would be lovely to go out for a nice meal, but it's a set menu in the evenings at £70 each, not including drinks. So in reality it's going to cost us well over £100 and we're just going to end up going for the sake of using the voucher, and will have to organise and pay for a babysitter on top!

I know I'm not going to enjoy it that much, knowing how much it's costing us, but I'd feel bad letting it go to waste and the person who bought us the voucher is definitely going to ask how we enjoyed the meal and I just can't lie!

I'd much rather have received a £30 voucher for a local pizza restaurant and we could have gone out some night as a family for a chilled out meal, I wouldn't have had to think about what to cook for anyone that night, and it would have been pretty much free!

I hate being ungrateful for gifts, but I just can't bring myself to feel grateful in anyway for receiving such an annoying present!!

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 27/10/2019 16:32

Why don't you pop in and ask to spend the voucher on an expensive bottle of wine or bubbly instead?

WelcomeToShootingStars · 27/10/2019 16:39

If the voucher doesn't actually cover the cost of something then it's a bit of a shit gift really isn't it.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest.

Lillyhatesjaz · 27/10/2019 16:42

This sounds like a raffle prize. the restaurant probably donated it to some organisation. It sounds like a really good prize and makes the business look generous but it is a win win for them as either the winner goes and spends a lot more money, or the person who wins it finds it too expensive doesn't go and the restaurant looses nothing. Your problem is you now have it with a whole load of added obligation. I suggest sell it on for 15 or 20 quid, or just don't go I doubt your relative paid 30 of their own money for this and if they did more fool them.

mrpickwick · 27/10/2019 16:55

If someone gave you a scarf and you didn't like it you would put it in a drawer or regift it.
Just because this voucher says it's worth £30 doesn't mean you have to use it. I doubt the giver spent £30.
Forget the perceived value, bin it or regift it.

Sewrainbow · 27/10/2019 17:23

But even going for lunch means you're put of pocket.

I wouldn't use it, I'd just try selling it on ebay for a bit less or offer it to school raffle and then if they didn't work chuck it in bin.

If the person asks how it was, I dont think its unreasonable to say you were unable to use it as you couldn't afford to pay the extra. They'd be extremely crass if they made a big deal out of that, they should either pay for a whole meal or just given you ment and say treat yourself to something.

I too hate experience type gifts. They're designed to make the gifted feel good but cause hassle for the receiver. Even if the voucher covered the whole dinner, you still have to arrange the date, the childcare, the travel, the drinks etc.

Sewrainbow · 27/10/2019 17:23

Ment = money

Loopytiles · 27/10/2019 17:27

If a local restaurant, I might go and dine alone for the £35 menu and buy a cheap drink!

Or, if they have a bar, go early eve alone and order a cocktail, then DH do likewise another time!

Loopytiles · 27/10/2019 17:28

From your update post suggest that you need to work on your assertiveness!

NoSquirrels · 27/10/2019 17:35

Just don’t go.

When the person who gave it to your DH asks your DH how he enjoyed it, he can politely explain you haven’t gone because a) childcare and b) very expensive!

Not sure why any of the angst is falling to you on this!

Alternatively, your DH could give it to you for lunch with a friend, and tell the giver that’s what he did with his gift.

Original poster
wintertime6 · 27/10/2019 17:55

The money's not a massive issue, we can afford it, it's more the fact that I don't like being forced to spend money on something when it was meant to be a present!

I do think the gift was bought and given with good intentions, just not very well thought out.

If I can sort out a babysitter, I think we'll embrace it and go. The Christmas market starts later in November so if we can sort something out for the kids for the afternoon we could have lunch and then enjoy a drink at the market, we haven't had an afternoon out like that on our own since before the kids were born.

And if I can't get a babysitter then I'll just go with a friend.

I still think it's a pretty rubbish gift, but I guess £30 isn't a small amount of money to some people, and despite the fact it's going to cost us money and some hassle, I really wouldn't like to think they've wasted their money.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/10/2019 18:23

You’ve not been “forced” into anything, and should you not use the voucher would not be responsible for the gift givers’ “loss”, if they even paid cash for the voucher

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2019 18:48

Oh FFS, stop worrying about what they think (they need never know) and start thinking about whether you really want to go to that restaurant, whether you'd have thought it important to you and worth the money before you were given this voucher.

If yes, it was on your 'would love to do if only we could motivate ourselves or find a babysitter' list, then go, embrace it.

If not, then recognise it's only about 10% off the bill after drinks and tip. Would you rush to that restarant if it was running a 10% off offer? No? Well then.

Pps' suggestions of buying a bottle of wine, or going for drinks only, is excellent.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/10/2019 18:49

Generally, 'experience vouchers' are only good if they pay for the whole experience (and it's one you want).

Motoko · 27/10/2019 18:51

So why are you going??
After all the advice on this thread not to give in to nonsense and being out of pocket.
You are essentially, inconveniencing yourself, spending money you don't have, to not enjoy yourself. To save the feelings of someone who is thoughtless.

I know! I just wouldn't use it, and I certainly wouldn't have all this angst over it. And if the relative asks DH if you enjoyed it, he can just say that you haven't been able to use it.

It really is that simple.

Why??

bakesalesally · 27/10/2019 23:41

I had this. 6 good friends clubbed together and bought me and DH an experience that cost £300. (Obviously it was a special celebration).

Except it was a 5 hour experience, an hours commute each way, and it closed at 9pm.

It cost us a fortune to get someone to watch our four kids (one of which has SN). We only went through with it because of the amount of money it cost them, and it was from close friends so we couldn't resell on FB etc.

I can see the logic, to give us a treat and a chance to indulge ourselves but it was poorly planned. I would have preferred a hairdressers voucher or cinema tickets. I was very upset that they hadn't thought it through properly

purplepalace · 28/10/2019 07:32

Oh so now OP is happy to go and grateful? Grin that was a change if heart

Winteriscomingfast · 28/10/2019 08:29

I would Regift. Especially with Christmas around the corner.

Pass on the crap.

One of the golden rules of mumsnet. It was crap but luckily I passed it on.
On the Christmas thread- the worst secret santa gifts- but I regifted it!

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 28/10/2019 08:37

If I was you I’d put it on a selling page for less than it’s value and use be money towards going somewhere as a family x

Userzzzzz · 28/10/2019 08:46

I don’t get the angst either. Just don’t go if you don’t want to but if you can make it work around the Christmas market then great. You don’t need to ever tell the person that gifted the voucher just as you wouldn’t tell them If you hated a scarf they’d bought.

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/10/2019 08:48

It is a ridiculous gift unless the giver knew you badly wanted to go there or were planning to go.

Get the giver to do the babysitting 🐍

TroysMammy · 28/10/2019 08:52

Ask the gift giver to babysit.

Jezzballs2000 · 28/10/2019 08:53

Could you go for lunch with the person who gave it to you? DP can look after the kids and they pay their half of the meal?

CatsOnCatnip · 28/10/2019 08:53

That’s just a bit weird...

BarbaraofSeville · 28/10/2019 08:54

The angst is because it just perpetuates the pointless wasteful cycle of gift giving that brings anything but joy to a lot of people.

In this case it's only money, not resources that's being wasted, but the point is that our lives would be a lot better without all the angst and stress that serves little purpose except feed some people's shopping addiction and is slowly killing the planet.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 28/10/2019 09:03

The angst is because it just perpetuates the pointless wasteful cycle of gift giving that brings anything but joy to a lot of people.

In this case it's only money, not resources that's being wasted, but the point is that our lives would be a lot better without all the angst and stress that serves little purpose except feed some people's shopping addiction and is slowly killing the planet.

100%.

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