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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 27/10/2019 00:14

Your work place has a certain type of culture, and you don't fit in with that culture. YANBU, but they ANBU either.

I recommend you think about moving to another company. You and this company are not a good fit.

HypatiaCade · 27/10/2019 00:15

But if I had to say on balance, YABU because you ARE in a place of work with that culture.

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2019 00:15

Sounds like where I work apart from the fact everyone accepts/understands completely that it's not everyone's cup of tea.

If some people have commented they think you feel superior to them, then I'm sorry but you don't have the good relationship with those people that you think you do.

Not attending work events isn't reason alone for them to think something like that, at least I don't think so anyway.

Finchy19 · 27/10/2019 00:19

I don't go to work socials but I will invite team members for a drink after a long week or similar. That way I'm social but I don't have to do the big group thing. I'm a reluctant member of the party committee so I actually book events for dates I already have plans for Grin maybe try that? It's a culture thing and I found that is an easy work around.

Leeds2 · 27/10/2019 00:23

I don't think YABU at all.

BUT, if you are hoping for a promotion within this company, I suspect non participation may be held against you. Your manager was probably just trying to check that you were ok, and not upset about anything at work.

CharlottesPleb · 27/10/2019 00:25

Wtf, you think you're better than them based on nothing?

People who think they can start a list of bad characteristics you have and bad things you think like this, it just smacks of boundary issues, drama and entitlement, you're best off having nothing to do with them outside cordial professional relationships.

Auba14 · 27/10/2019 00:27

I can see it from both sides.

We have a girl in our team who doesn’t go to any event, in fact she puts holidays in to avoid events when they come up so she doesn’t have to have these conversations! I don’t think of her as superior, I just think she’s making no effort to integrate in with the team. And that means there’s conversations and friendships forming that she will never be a part of which is a shame.

Then again, this is the culture of the workplace and it is possible that you just don’t fit with what they are looking for in that regard. It’s going to stick out like a sore thumb that you don’t attend anything at all. And to be honest, it doesn’t look great - you say you have great relationships with people so why wouldn’t you want to spend time with them outside of work?

Original poster
bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:31

@CharlottesPleb The two people that made the comments are the chief planners for all the events. They said that that they spend weeks planning some of the bigger events (Christmas Dinner & Parties) and it feels like a 'slap in the face' when I can't make the time to go.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 00:35

these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances

So you don't enjoy your colleagues' company at all?

ThreeLittleDots · 27/10/2019 00:38

They must assume you hate them all...

Tartyflette · 27/10/2019 00:38

I don't think you're that unreasonable - I quite like a drink with colleagues in the pub occasionally after work, but that would be for an hour or so, two at the most and it wouldn't be every week. And I could choose whether to go or not.
The problem with your workplace is that these events sound almost obligatory, and they think you're a bit stuck-up if you don't join in.
That's not really on. Don't these people have partners and families to go back to after work? Or are they all young, free and single?
My former workplace had the dreaded 'team bonding' stuff at weekends - I definitely gave them a swerve, my weekends are precious.
I suppose in your case I'd try to be super friendly at work and to get a chance to explain to your colleagues that you're not keen on quite so many after work events. But I would try to go to one Christmas party, either the main, works-organised one, or a smaller team outing. Even if it's just for a couple of hours. It probably won't be as bad as you think.😉

SarfE4sticated · 27/10/2019 00:38

i really dislike enforced socialising. At the end of my working day I want to go home and be with my family. luckily I work somewhere with lots of people of my (old) age so if we have a christmas do, it's a lunch. If it was a departmental drinks scenario, I would probably just go for a swifty and then head off.

Auba14 · 27/10/2019 00:42

The two people that made the comments are the chief planners for all the events. They said that that they spend weeks planning some of the bigger events (Christmas Dinner & Parties) and it feels like a 'slap in the face' when I can't make the time to go

I agree with them on this. I think Christmas parties happen in most workplaces, and I don’t go to every one I’m invited to but I do try and attend one a year out of the three or four we have.
To just not go to any, ever, will make your colleagues feel you don’t like them or spending time with them and I can see where the superior comment has came from.

It is at the end of the day your decision, but sometimes as adults we do things we don’t particularly want to do (but my point still stands why wouldn’t you want to if you have the great relationships you said you had with colleagues?) to keep up appearances and make an effort.

MangoSalsa · 27/10/2019 00:46

Don’t think you’re BU as such. And I think the “slap in the face”, “thinking you’re above everyone else” comments are very blunt, bordering on unacceptable.

That said, I’ve never worked anywhere where it would be acceptable miss every single work social event.

Everywhere I’ve worked it’s fine to have limits, like only stay for one or two drinks, only go to daytime events, only go to stuff you can bring your partner, not go for a spell due to finances/family responsibilities etc.

But never going to anything? That would have been seen as not liking colleagues, not being a team player or a major sign you were unhappy and looking for another job everywhere I’ve worked.

So I would say it’s an unwise policy even if it’s not an unreasonable one.

AgeLikeWine · 27/10/2019 00:46

YANBU.

I don’t socialise with work colleagues either. I might attend a Christmas party, but only if the company is paying. When I am not being payed, my time is my own and I treat it as such.

My colleagues are perfectly nice people, as am I, but I already spend more time with them than I do with my partner, my family or my real friends so why on earth would I want to spend time with them outside the working day?

Original poster
bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:50

@auba14 Why does there have to be that outside of work interaction though? Why not maintain that nice relationship with colleagues inside work?

Why do I have to pay £35 to go to a Christmas Dinner with them to prove I like them? Or pay a tenner for a table quiz? Or give up a Friday evening to play football?

I don't get the correlation between giving up out of work time and positive colleague relationships?

It would be a completely different situation if these events were inside work hours. I would go to every event.

OP posts:
Jaguarana · 27/10/2019 00:51

I'm with you, OP. I detest work social events & do my best to not go. It can be difficult as it's a small team. I've told them I really enjoy working with them (I do & we are a great team) but my time after work is my own. I want to get out of the Christmas party this year but I don't think that'll go down too well so I might have to force myself. I just really don't want to go.

Merryoldgoat · 27/10/2019 00:52

I worked somewhere like this. It’s fucking exhausting.

‘Support night out’

‘Finance night out’

‘Team night out’

‘Christmas Party’

Then all the fucking conferences.

Team leader conference, Assistant Team Leader Conference, Finance Conference, Christmas Conference, summer Conference.

It’s like a cult - I’ll never work anywhere like that again.

Now we have Christmas and summer parties, all paid for in full and at a normal time.

Butchyrestingface · 27/10/2019 00:55

I'm as anti-social AF and hate work places with these cultures. I well remember working for one such company as a poor student.

But I think others have a point in that you are working for a company with that culture and I think, at the least, you could probably show your face once a year to the office Xmas bash. I would do that and see if it shuts them up even if £35 is quite steep for a work social event.

CharlottesPleb · 27/10/2019 00:59

Ouch bella. It sounds like you may have a fundamental difference if it is going to be perceived as a slap in the face.

I am liberated at my workplace by the fact I don't really care, but I accept the risk: if you don't participate in the obnoxious bits of company culture, you may pay for that in career terms at that company. Even judged unfavourably and given made-up attributes in your absence - as you describe.

So while it's nice to ignore it, you might be faced with bending the knee to the company culture, or finding somewhere else with a different one.

BrokenLogs · 27/10/2019 01:01

I find having DC means I can't go, and that's always been an accepted reason.

I do organise childcare for team Christmas dinners as it's once a year, and generally fun.

But no, I wouldn't want to socialise every week either.

Stravapalava · 27/10/2019 01:05

YANBU. I really get on with my workmates, but I don't like going out for things and therefore I don't. It doesn't make us any less friendly and no comments have been made to me.

Auba14 · 27/10/2019 01:05

Surely not every single event means you have to pay to attend? If that’s the case YANBU and can quite easily get out of it by saying you can’t afford it rather than that you don’t want to socialise with colleagues outside of work. Surely other people must decline every event if they are asking for money to attend every single time, so are they getting the same responses from the organisers?

Whether you agree or not, you’re working in a place that has an engrained social culture - and that isn’t going to change.

BlackCatSleeping · 27/10/2019 01:06

I don't go to work socials either. I just say that I have a lot on at home and it's not really my thing. Just work hard and do a good job. That's what I do and it's never held me back that I don't socialise with my coworkers.

BlackCatSleeping · 27/10/2019 01:07

Also, they decide to put a lot of time and effort into organising these things. That's on them, not you. It doesn't make you obligated to go. It's a choice they make.

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