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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 13:13

For promotion and pay prospects you definitely do better if you join in fully

I just don’t get why this is the case tbh . I think it’s possible to have a good relationship with colleagues without having to see them outside of work.

One of our most loved managers has never attended a works social event.

FlatheadScrewdriver · 27/10/2019 13:14

My first thought was "who is doing the colleagues' work if it's taking so long to plan all this socialising?" If I were their manager I would be putting a cap on the number of events and the time allowed for co-ordinating them, because it sounds like it's getting out of hand.

I have (thankfully) cast iron excuses for not attending any evening events. I do not enjoy large group socialising whoever it is, but I know a little effort goes a long way in smooth working relationships, so I sometimes bring in cakes / put out a general message to see if people want to go for a walk at lunchtime etc.

But the balance has to be principally work, surely? I highly doubt social activity at work has much benefit on productivity and employee happiness past a certain tipping point, and surely benefits are reversed once you start excluding people or they feel uncomfortable?

PhilCornwall1 · 27/10/2019 13:16

For promotion and pay prospects you definitely do better if you join in fully

Depends on the company. I've had promotions where I am now and have never attended.

BakewellGin1 · 27/10/2019 13:29

My workplace is like this...
Team Meal
Department Night Out
Secret Santa Lunch
End of Year Awards and Quiz
End of Term Activities etc

I hate 'forced fun'... I go for the team lunch at Christmas because its during working hours but most of the others I avoid.

I have limited childcare and time to see my friends and family so if Im going to go out its with my friends

MitziK · 27/10/2019 13:35

If an employer wants the pleasure of my company in my personal time, then they bloody well pick up the tab for it, rather than expecting me to work for anything up to an entire day a week to pay for the privilege of spending more hours with people I wouldn't choose to spend any time with if it weren't the way that I keep a roof over my head.

WitchesGlove · 27/10/2019 13:37

Could you bake a cake or something for your colleagues so that they see you very much like the people you work with and are a team player?

Sockworkshop · 27/10/2019 18:00

Do men get told to bake a fucking cake ?
Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 18:34

No. No they don’t.

OP please don’t bake a cake.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 27/10/2019 18:39

Bake a cake Hmm

Ffs op has more of a life than they do this is what bothers people not that she is not a team player that is evident at work. They really wouldn’t be bothered if it didn’t touch a nerve them them it’s their issue not the op and a manager should be able to see through that

Neverender · 27/10/2019 18:40

Someone at work asked me the other day if I'd written out my Christmas list....Erm, no, I'm 38!

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 18:43

Do men get told to bake a fucking cake ?
why wouldn't they? Never seen bake off?

The best cakes in the office are baked by male colleagues. I only ever bring shop-bought ones.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 27/10/2019 18:45

No one would be that patronizing towards a man in such a wa

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 27/10/2019 18:45

Such a way ...

Kanga83 · 27/10/2019 18:48

I'm the same. I hate forced socialising. I have to spend 40 hours a week with these people. Nothing against them (obviously the few irritating ones), but I have never and won't ever attend a work do. At most I'll do a team Christmas meal, in the hour we have for lunch. I just can't be arsed. I barely see people in my life as I don't have time with work being consuming. It isn't about being a bad fit at all, but work is work, and my life is my life.

AnnaNimmity · 27/10/2019 18:54

well it's entirely up to you I think and I wouldn't judge you too much.

But isn't it fun to go out and get to know people, to have laugh? You might actually enjoy it. I go out to lots of work events, and really enjoy them. Always meet interesting people. Sometimes have a laugh. Sometimes learn something.

TimeforanotherChange · 27/10/2019 19:10

I'm with you OP. I don't want to spend evenings with people I work with, that I have little else in common with. I quite like some of my colleagues, and whilst I manage the odd drink on a Friday night for an hour straight after work I'm buggered if I'm going to the Christmas Party.

I've been asked twice now, and twice said, 'Sorry - can't make it'. The second time I pointed out that that work would be finished at 5.00pm on that day - and that we were expected to be at a meal in the town at 7.30pm and then out for drinks/clubbing. But I live over an hour away. So the idea of hanging around for a couple of hours to then go out to dinner before dancing the night away (I'm mid 50s) wasn't actually very appealing, given that my alternative was to be home by 6.00pm and on the sofa.

They told me I'm boring. Yep. Probably. Don't care. I don't want to spend £35 and several hours of my time doing something I don't want to. My choice.

Jaffacakebeast · 27/10/2019 19:13

Yanbu, I don’t do any, if I’m not getting paid I’m out of there, I work to live not the other way round

Dutch1e · 27/10/2019 19:16

If the company was truly committed to these events they would be held during work hours. YANBU, this stuff is only fun when it's genuinely optional.

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 19:16

But isn't it fun to go out and get to know people, to have laugh?

Not when it means short changing the people you actually love and care about and don’t get to spend as much time as you like with as you’re always in bloody work.

MummyGigi · 27/10/2019 19:38

It's not the best way to build rapport with your team. Not going will eventually isolate you also unlikely you'll be a candidate for a promotion.
In a work environment it's essential to appear and be an active team member.
Them saying that shows that you're isolating yourself.
I agree though, these after work events are so crass and sometimes forced but just a quick show of face and one drink and be on your way using your family as a great excuse!

lboogy · 27/10/2019 19:45

I feel the same OP. I hate spending time with people I work with. I work and go home. I barely have enough time for friends especially now I have a child.

I realised that socialising is sadly one of the ways you get seen for promotion. It sucks but such is life.

BackforGood · 27/10/2019 19:51

I think YABU to not make any effort at all, ever.

If the organisers are really expecting people to go to as many things as you suggest, rather than 'offering a menu of things you can dip in to' then they ABU.

I think it is a good thing to go out with colleagues occasionally, to get to chat about non-work things, yes. There is a greater understanding of one anothers situations and therefore a greater empathy and support network when someone isn't having a good time in their lives. I don't go to the Christmas do every year - often it is something I wouldn't enjoy and it often clashes with other things and is often a lot of money for what it is, but I do go to other things - a birthday drink or meal or a big birthday party etc. I would think less of someone who didn't ever mix with the team.

DareDevil223 · 27/10/2019 19:54

One of the reasons that I want to leave my current job is because of the cliquey evening socialising. I don't want to go out and get pissed. Indeed I can't because I have a 70 mile round trip commute and most of my colleagues live locally.

I work outside a major city and most social events mean I have to hang around after work. Get into the city, walk miles and get home incredibly late. No thanks, I'm too fucking old and tired for that shit.

I'll go to lunches with the team, I quite like most of them but not enough to give them my precious evenings.

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 20:10

Surely being a good team member should take place during work hours , I just can’t see how eating, drinking and dancing equates to being a team player Confused

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 27/10/2019 20:14

This isn't the right workplace for you, it sounds brilliant to me, I've got plenty of friends but good relationships with colleagues, help the day to day so much, could you not find it in yourself to go to one Christmas party? In my line of work people who just do the bare minimum and aren't truly invested can put others at risk, bonding is important.