To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

[bellabolla]

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

I used to go to these events. Never had a really bad time but just couldn't relax properly. I like my colleagues but I don't like these events. I've accepted that I'm socially awkward and now I just don't go. Also, I honestly don't see why I should spend £30 to spend an evening with people I see all day anyway. I know people in my team who can't really afford to go, but go anyway because they feel like they should. Now, when people ask me why I'm not going, I'm just honest and say something like "I just don't fancy it".

I hope they don't think I feel "superior". I actually feel inferior and can't bring myself to go to another event where I feel totally uncomfortable and out of place

I am part of a committee at work organising these events. We do work hard to find things suitable for everyone but depending on what it is we have on average an attendance of 50% apart from the ?Christmas do where we get around 90%.

But, we do have some colleagues who never come or maybe just for Christmas and leave immediately after the meal. In some cases it is understandable, they have children and can’t stay longer (single parent), a Jehova’s witness obviously doesn’t attend a
Christmas party. But some are just “I never come”.

After 3 years now I just accept it, you cannot make people come and not everyone is into socialising after work. Some of these also never attend a leaving do regardless of how much they get along with the one leaving.

Don’t feel bad but the company also needs to respect your ways.

A slap in the face is a massive overreaction by them and ridiculously precious!

Presumably these people choose to organise these events and no one is forcing them.

Do they organise these events in work time?

I used to go to loads of work events but would never think badly of someone who didn't.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I've had bad experiences being close to work colleagues and managers where you were made to feel that you were the odd one out for not going along to work social events, the pressure to go was huge. Because of all the out of work activities everyone would become close but more like friends than colleagues, which would cause difficulty when things got tough at work (I confided that a close family member was ill and when I needed time off I was refused which affected my mental health badly). In my new job I stay away from department organised activities and just do things team organised so to keep boundaries

Your paid for the hours you work, you’re not paid to socialise with people that you spend all day with working. If they want to get together at other times - their choice. The reasons they feel you think you’re superior to them are their problems... not yours

They need to think about why they would want someone at these functions that doesn’t want to be there.

Several events per week is a ridiculous amount. TBH even once a month sounds a lot when you have a long commute and children/animals to sort out.

In my days of being a manager, I did use to encourage team nights every payday, and stick £50 in the pot for the first round. At other times I would do a "team lunch" once every 2 months but this would be booked out during work time and paid for by the company (the food... not the drinks but if people chose to have a beer/wine that was fine.)

One of the things that pissed me off about my last corporate position (and was partly responsible for me deciding to leave that world) was that we had a team split over multiple locations, we're talking hours of travel apart. If one of us was needed on another site, it required an overnight. Our dept head started a policy of having an on-site meeting for all managers and 2 direct reports per site, once a month, rotating around the sites.

(So for example:
January - Edinburgh - all managers, Dick and Jane from site 1, Bill and Chris from site 2, Fanny and Freddy from site 3
February - Manchester - all managers, Bob and Janet from site 1, Sue and Harry from site 2, Phil and Helen from site 3
etc etc)

The idea being, all of us as a management team could have a proper face to face meeting, which really helped when we were implementing some big departmental changes. And the direct reports would spend 2 days hanging with their colleagues on other sites, sharing best practise, putting faces to names, etc. It definitely helped with teamwork in that regard.

But what I really disliked was that on the second night there, the dept manager would "host" a dinner. It would be in a relatvely upscale restaurant and would technically be paid for by the company (using the "subsitence" allowance for everyone which was £35 each.) One month, one of the team members from a remote site declined to attend the meal as she was going to meet her FWB who happened to be in the location we were at. Dept manager threw his toys out the pram and said if people weren't going to come then they might not be invited on future visits. Unsurprisngly, team member resigned shortly after.

Anyway.... TL;DR - I think YANBU but some workplace cultures pretty much require a level of socialising and if you don't show your face to at least one thing a month, it may count against you if you want to progress within this company. And if you're in a specialised role, don't discount the power of the undocumented reference, otherwise known as "friend of a friend".
"Bob! Havent seen you for ages, how are you doing? Listen I hear you worked with Joe Bloggs on X project at Thingy Company. Confidentially, can you give me an insight into his skills for a technical role with direct reports?"
"Hey Sue! I'm doing good thanks, how are you and the kids? Yes I worked with Joe, unfortunately it wasn't a great experience and I can't recommend. He just wasn't a team player. "

This is the accusation that will be levelled. (Obvioulsly this depends on your manager's attitude.) And it will definitely hold you back if you don't "show willing" at some points. Just attending the Xmas party once a year will probably fix it.

Sorry for the typos btw, my laptop's trackpad has given up the ghost and it's 6.30 which is far too early to go searching through my boxes of old peripherals for a mouse :D

I totally get this. I wok in a small team of 6 in an nhs setting. I am 15 years older than the next oldest team member and 30 years older than the youngest. This isn’t so obvious in the work setting as we are all working for a common cause and doing similar work and on similar grades.

There have been a few meals out over the past year to encourage socialising and team building. I found them very difficult. Work topics are off the agenda for obvious reasons.
It became obvious how little common ground we have outside of work. Much of the talk is about hen parties, weddings, childcare, sleep training, primary school admissions and soft play. I have little to contribute on any of these subjects and just sit there feeling old and irrelevant. I am so over soft play! My children have grown up and left home.
I meet up with colleagues who have retired and we talk non stop for three or four hours about so many diverse subjects, gardening, current affairs, theatre, local history etc, which my current work mates don’t have any interest in at all.
Outside of work I have lots of interests and friends and a good social life. There just isn’t much overlap currently with work colleagues who don’t share my interests and who are at a different life stage.
I go to the events as I really want to build relationships with the team, but come home feeling rubbish every time.

well instead of being so direct, which can be mistaken for rudeness or bitchiness , you could have said that you would love to go but have commitments most evenings, classes or study for a course you are doing, caring for a elderly family member/friend, volunteering for a charity, you spend your nights writing heartfelt letters for amnesty international/greenpeace... you could have had any excuse ready other than being so blunt and hurting their feelings

I was given a warning once, I was young I should have pushed back harder, because I did not join in post work social activities. The old "acting superior" chestnut was used. After that experience, with other employers I have always made a point of social chit chat on breaks etc and no longer consider that "my" time. But I still don't attend outside work hours. It appears to be a pay off that works. But that is a lot of extra time to be in work mode (I have asd).

I once's worked for a well known letting agency and they arranged dinners and drinks or bowling etc as a reward when the team had met targets. I always declined to go due to childminder arrangements.
I was called in the office and told if I wanted to work on the team I had to make an effort to be part of the team, as I wasn't getting involved. It's a culture thing but it's also the company trying to build a strong team who work well together to get the best performance and you're hindering that outcome because you have other priorities that clash with theirs.
I just left in the end as my team leader moved my computer to the other side of the open office and put a screen between me and the other team mates - point taken!

I’d be interested to know how you decline! That will drive the comments made by colleagues.

Fine, you don’t want to go. But socialising together can make it easier to work together as you get to know each other in a way you can’t when working.

Our work outings are very drink orientated and I don't drink so I always make sure I'm busy that evening. Plus I live very rural and don't drive so I have another excellent excuse.

I think it’s fair enough to give everything else a swerve but I don’t think it would kill you to go to a Christmas Party surely?

I completely feel the same as you, OP. I get on really well with the others in my office, but don't want to socialise with them outside of work. I think they are great people, but they are colleagues rather than friends. I agree with the "keeping up appearances" thing - I could never properly relax at a social occasion knowing that these are the people I work with. Having said that, I am very introverted and socially anxious anyway (I know they are different things but I am both )... I would definitely convince myself I'd said something silly or inappropriate and would worry about it. I do chat to them during the day, but both inside and out of work I know people see me as the "quiet one".

One of the (very lovely) ladies in my office is constantly on the office WhatsApp group at weekends and when she's on holiday. She went on holiday yesterday actually, and we had updates right from a photo of her coffee at a service station! I think surely people like that don't ever switch off from work? Once I've left the building, I don't give anyone or anything a second thought until I'm back there again!

I really think that if you do a good job, that is the only thing that should matter in the workplace.

One of the benefits of being a contractor, you get to opt out of corporate crap

They sound like a bunch of twats.

YANBU, but as others have said workplaces that have all these dos don't tend to like if you don't go.
In my last job I wouldn't go to anything as nearly everyone was taking drugs, coke, e's and weed and getting off their heads.
Unless its really bad you could go for a hour occasionally and to the Xmas party.If you do nothing then you wont be thought of as a team player etc.Even thought that's stupid.

Cornish - the irony of excluding one member of the team due to child minding issues, whilst trying to build a strong team...

I think YABU.
I don't socialise outside of work unless it's an organised Christmas/ end of term get together.
I dread it but I always end up having a fun relaxed time which is nice because we work in such a stressful job that we don't often get chance to ask each other about our families etc.
I definitely think YABU that you can't make the effort and you're being very rigid about how you operate, not taking into account the culture that you're working in.

Why would anyone give it a second thought

You have a life outside work that is that

I’ve worked places that are very social (often those who don’t have much going on outside of work and mainly young city office) and where I am now less so as we mostly have young families and work is covered by shifts) some join in on the odd night out others don’t no one is judged

I’m not going to our main Christmas party as arranging childcare, getting there and back after a long day at work doesn’t appeal and I don’t like big parties

Ignore any comments some people just like to bitch and will find anything to bitch about

As others have said, it sounds like you're not a good fit with the company.

My dad refuses to socialise with his colleagues and in over 30yrs, no one has said a word about him not wanting to attend. His workplace also has groups of staff holidaying together (my idea of hell) and he just says no thanks if they ask him and all is fine. Maybe you ARE coming across as superior even though you don't realise it?

I also hate socialising with colleagues and have felt pushed into attending Christmas dinners etc in the past. I've usually ended up having a decent time in the end but hate the awkwardness of the actual lunch (I'm a picky eater plus I'm terrible in social situations). I'm sure I've been thought of as superior/snobby/miserable etc by many colleagues.

If you don't want to go, don't go. It's your choice and they can't make you attend.

However can you not make the effort to go to one or two things a year? Say the Christmas meal at least? I think it just shows willing to go out and make an effort and spend some time with your colleagues in a different environment.

I don't go to most work social events because I live an hours drive away and it takes over my entire evening to stay out after work, but for someone's birthday or similar then I will make an effort to stay a little while - just because it's a nice thing to do.

So YANBU for not wanting to attend I suppose but I do think it's a bit miserable!

I just think it’s all about how it’s done.

Yes all socialising shouldn’t happen in the evenings. Basic unconscious bias training tells you that. Even something as simple as starting at 4pm means people can come for one as it’s still in work time. Or it can be lunch with no booze. Plenty of alternatives.

In the same as you. When you've spent 40 hours a week at work, the last thing you want to do, is spend MORE time with them!!! When do you get time to see your actual friends and family?!

I work in a very young company where most people don't yet have children and live locally - they do a lot together out of work time. I live a long way away and have small children so not as easy but I do make an effort to go to one or two work social events a year - and always the main Christmas party. I'd try to go to that if I were you.