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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 20:23

Um, what kind of work do you do that not going for pints with work colleagues ‘puts others at risk’?

Because that sounds like total bollocks.

TheGoogleMum · 27/10/2019 20:27

I don't go to even half of the work things becuase i csnt afford to and now i have a baby nights out need to planned for a bit more, but to go to nothing at all seems a little bit miserable to me? Not even an Xmas do (if reasonably priced)? So YABU I would think you were being a bit unfriendly tbh

TimeforanotherChange · 27/10/2019 20:28

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook Confused Are you in the SAS?

Candle1000 · 27/10/2019 20:39

As long as you get on well with colleagues while you are at work , are a good team player while you are at work , do your job well while you are at work , going out for a drink or meal with them should have no bearing on whether you are promoted .

Are those people that go to the Christmas party , get pissed and take photo copies of their bum thought more highly of than those that choose not to go ?

Tellmetruth4 · 27/10/2019 21:03

Depends on how you’re saying it tbh. If you make a song and dance of keeping your work and social life separate and act as if people who do go to events have no real friends or life outside of work then you’re going to get people’s back up.

I knew someone who used to act above it all and like she was the only one with anything important to do outside of work. I have a family and friends too so don’t go to most things, but I’ll sometimes have one or two drinks for an hour on a Friday after work and always go to the Christmas do. Superior is not a good look.

ThighThighOfthigh · 28/10/2019 00:38

Isn't it enough to be chatty over coffee or during lunch at work? That's potentially 5 hours of socialising pw.

Purpleartichoke · 28/10/2019 01:01

I’m an extreme introvert and hate work socializing. I still understand that I have to do it occasionally. I make sure to attend the big events like the Christmas party. I Don’t stay late, but I do show up.

Tavannach · 28/10/2019 01:15

I don't think you're being very unreasonable but personally I'd make the effort to go to the Christmas party. Just because it matters so much to other people.

Alburqueque · 28/10/2019 01:16

I’ve always had a good relationship with the people I work with but never socialise with them. For one I worked in Warwick and lived in Birmingham so I had a long commute and secondly I don’t drink alcohol nor do i smoke and most English people have a pint at lunch time or when they go out so I just feel out of place. They understand. As long as I do my job; if they think i feel like I’m superior, it’s their problem, not mine. You go to work to do the job.,. Not to socialise ... so whatever you do on your free time is your choice and your business and no one else’s concern. People will always have an opinion about you, let them talk..,, it’s better to have them talking about you than not... that’s they way I look at it.

Itsallpointless · 28/10/2019 05:16

Wish I had a social life through work. My colleagues do nothing apart from Christmas lunch.

They have lives/families etc, I on the other hand am single, kids off hand and would love some social activity.

It's like anything in life, you have to have a balance, and certainly not bullied into it.

LadyLanka · 28/10/2019 06:33

Whilst I am not a big fan of work-related out of hours activities, I do think it is diplomatic to attend a carefully-chosen selection. This would mean, for me, a Christmas event (& I have been to some shockers in my time) plus the odd team lunch or similar.
However, I would expect these things to be once a quarter at most and would certainly not participate in regular weekly or monthly activities.
Work is work, not a club!

StreetwiseHercules · 28/10/2019 06:40

“ They said that that they spend weeks planning some of the bigger events (Christmas Dinner & Parties) and it feels like a 'slap in the face' when I can't make the time to go.”

I’m going to guess these two are female. I find women in the workplace awful for stuff like this. Fussing over events and organising cards and gifts every time someone has a birthday or farts.

It’s a nonsense and I have little patience for it.

GreenFieldsofFrance · 28/10/2019 06:49

I think it depends on the size of the company really. Until I joined my current place at the age of 28, in all previous companies I was Mrs Sociable. My age and life stage when I joined this place though meant for several years I was having babies, mat leaves etc. Then kids small and just being exhausted. I can't remember the last company thing I attended, it will be years ago though. There are 200 people in the office, majority are young and wouldn't want to hang around with me anyway, so no one bats an eyelid and I'd be very very unimpressed if anyone took me to the side to talk about it.

Candle1000 · 28/10/2019 07:10

StreetwiseHercules and don’t get me started on all the faux embarrassed ‘aw it was nothing ‘ when they are presented with a bouquet of flowers for all their hard work !

StreetwiseHercules · 28/10/2019 07:14

That’s it exactly. It’s about attention and control.

Isitnearlyweekend · 28/10/2019 17:57

I feel your pain. I can’t think of anything worse than a works do. I’ve not been on a Christmas do for over 20 years and never attend any work associated functions. Now I’m semi retired a work in a tiny group of four of us. A lovely girl in her 20’s and two blokes in their late fifties. We all get on brilliantly but when we do have a meal with our partners we don’t invite our supervision. We would feel like we were being spied on. I totally agree that work is a separate thing to home and is best kept that way. I do have lots of friends I’ve met through work but I can’t think of anything worse than a Xmas party. I would stick to your guns. They can’t make you go. I would also always have an excuse at the ready.

FelicisNox · 28/10/2019 17:58

This isn't clear cut.

I totally understand why you want to keep the 2 separate and that's your right to do so.

However: your colleagues clearly like you and want your company and as you attend none of the events eventually they will question the validity of their relationship with you and the assumption that you don't really like any of them will creep in and that relationship will disintegrate.... it's human nature.

The only way to tackle it is head on. Approach the planners and over coffee explain your perspective. Reassurance is what is needed here so give it. Clarify that you have a really positive working relationship with the team and in order to preserve that you don't mix business with pleasure.

As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.

GreytExpectations · 28/10/2019 18:12

Op, I am on the fence. I think it's your attitude that is unreasonable. Fair enough if you don't want to go events, that's your choice but I'd be curious to hear how exactly you declined. Your statement of I never have and never intend to go to any. and having enough friends does sound quite snooty and I wouldn't be surprised if that tone is being picked up by your colleagues. You should consider how you come across really because based on your OP you do sound a bit like you think you are better than them.

Side note, work nights out can be great fun! Such a shame you won't even join the Christmas one once a year just to fit into the culture.

CravingCheese · 28/10/2019 18:17

Not even Christmas dinner?

Yes YABU. Don't need to go to all of them. But that is the work culture at your place of work. It's imo very unreasonable to go to none of them.

TheDarkPassenger · 28/10/2019 18:27

I love my work peeps but I had a bad situation a few years ago where my boss harassed me out of work hours constantly and I had a massive bipolar relapse it was horrendous. So now I’m nervous about getting too involved in out of wrk things and tbh I just prefer to spend my time with my actual friends, my partner or my children. I’m getting better at it but I still would just rather not do it! I don’t think it’s weird op, I don’t get the whole needing to be Bessies with my workmates I have enough friends that I barely get to see because of work as it is!!

consfusedandlookingforwine · 28/10/2019 18:29

I’ve only ever attended events that are funded by the company. If I have to pay I just decline. I had a similar problem but my boss was just wanting to make sure I was ok and not struggling to fit in. She also explained that it helps them offer support for people who might need it, eg domestic violence or mental health issues. I just explained that I get so little time with my family. I can see why the organisation team are annoyed ( I don’t think I could do such s thankless job) but they were a bit out of order with what they said.

Chloe84 · 28/10/2019 18:44

Why should OP fork out £35 for Christmas dinner if she doesn't even want to go? It would be different if work were paying.

SunshineAngel · 28/10/2019 18:54

I'm with you on this. My life is so busy - and so is my partner's - so on the evenings we have together I'll be damned if I'm spending more (invariably unpaid) time at work.

I would probably go to the Christmas party though, and I admit I like quiz nights.. but I wouldn't be doing it just for the sake of doing it.

Jack80 · 28/10/2019 19:04

I would turn up to a few things as it does look like your being funny with them, maybe go for a drink one night and make an excuse to go home early

starfishmummy · 28/10/2019 19:21

YANBU. My workplace doesn't have a huge culture of going out. There might be odd groups of people who socialise together but not en masse apart from xmas

Even the person who organises the xmas "do" admits that the hotel they go to is "not known for the food". In fact its a shit hole frequently, in the news for giving people food poisoning! Theyre just there to get drunk and as I don't drink I could think of nothing worse than going!!