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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 27/10/2019 01:11

Why not plan something during work hours - a talk or walking lunch or similar?

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/10/2019 01:19

I must say, I feel exactly the same as you, I love my work colleagues and we are a fab team all together in a work capacity, that said I don't particularly want to spend time with them outside of work! Not because they are bad people or we don't get along, just like you I have my own friends and I can't wait to get out of work at 5pm 😂 and on occasions I have done I find all we talk about is work as it's all we have in common and I find that exhausting. There are often, quiz nights, curry nights, bowling nights, let's all have a drink after work on payday nights and I politely make my excuses.

However, I do go to the Christmas party every year, as usually every member of staff goes, I get there, eat my meal have a sociable glass of wine and get off home before it gets too rowdy and it's always a nice evening! You could really be missing out on a fairly enjoyable evening

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 01:23

YANBU.

I work in a massive company now, but I used to work in a small, 10-person company. All women. Most of us used to socialise occasionally after work. All except for one woman who said she liked to keep work and personal completely separate, so thanks but no thanks for the invite.

It was totally fine, I don't see why it wouldn't be? The very first comment about how maybe you should look for a new job is ridiculous.

ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 01:24

PS - how many people beg off these things with 'childcare' issues? No one would suggest the same to them.

Avenilson · 27/10/2019 01:26

I have worked in places where drinks after work were something I enjoyed or we even played 5 a side soccer and did weekends away and then I have worked in places where I got involved in nights out and just the atmosphere or the place in general made these occasions shit because nobody was happy in their job. So part of it is how the company treats their staff.

No matter what the situation I always go to a Christmas dinner.It is very deflating if people don't (whether it be a happy team or an unhappy team_ it just shows some solidarity with the people you are working with.) So maybe if you can go, do for the Christmas event, but go not for an hour (better off not going if only that) commit to the night and you may feel better for it yourself.

earsup · 27/10/2019 01:41

If you don't want to go. Don't. Am now retired but stopped going to the end of term parties as everyone talked about work and it ended up in a drunken mess with staff almost fighting each other.. that's what teaching does ..!!

BarbedBloom · 27/10/2019 01:45

I am a bit like this too. I won't give up my evenings and weekends during which I spend time with my husband and friends and I certainly won't pay for the privilege. I prefer to keep it seperate. I have gone along on team lunches and such, but we don't have the money for either of us to go along for after work drinks (plus I am the teetotal anyway) and a game night would be my idea of hell.

I think part of it is I am an introvert so naturally dislike any event with groups of people all talking at once. Plus I have seen things go badly wrong at work when you mix business and pleasure, so am now naturally cautious. Lastly, we are saving for a house so we limit our own social events, let alone going to work ones.

maddening · 27/10/2019 01:54

When discussing any proposed events that you declined is there any chance you have given off a vibe of not attending as these events are below you?

ThighThighOfthigh · 27/10/2019 01:58

I think Yanbu, it's really unfair of companies to steal extra time like this with semi obligatory bonding. That said i would show my face at the Xmas do, smiling through gritted teeth.

Chottie · 27/10/2019 01:13

OP - this would be my idea of hell too!

As an aside, do the people who organise all the out of work events, do the planning in work hours or do they meet outside of work?

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/10/2019 01:14

Reminds me of someone I worked with who said "I come to work, not to make friends"

violetbunny · 27/10/2019 01:32

I feel like I might be in the minority here, but I really enjoy team activities outside of work. I like my colleagues, and a few of us even have an informal pub quiz team going so will meet once a week outside of work. The company culture here is very social (most people in our immediate team eat lunch together most days) so I guess I just see it as part and parcel of working here!

user764329056 · 27/10/2019 01:37

I agree with you OP, out of work stuff is optional and you shouldn’t feel obligated or made to feel uncomfortable if you don’t want to attend, it’s your choice and should be respected as such

transformandriseup · 27/10/2019 04:16

Years ago I would have gone to every work social. Now I'm 20 miles away from home I don't want to socialise after work. They shouldn't make you feel bad for it.

Dinosauraddict · 27/10/2019 04:32

We have one person on our team who is like this. It doesn't matter the event/social/activity, he will very openly say 'I don't do lunches/X'. I am one of those 'chief organisers' and very much aware of people's home lives so I arrange a quarterly team 'thing' (the thing varies) but it is never after work - think things like lunchtime picnics in the park with BYO sandwiches - and he will still sit in the office on his own, adamant that he will not join us. It is a running joke between the team that he will not attend. Whilst I don't think he's 'superior' I do think it's a bit 'off' and he could make more of an effort. The purpose of these activities are team bonding - to build our relationship on an informal level to improve our workplace performance and efficiency. He didn't even turn up to the one where I'd invited our key stakeholders to join us...

SuchAToDo · 27/10/2019 04:46

I think people are being a bit too hard on op, she says her workplace has these events a few nights EVERY week and she socialises with her own friends

Op I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to go when it's a few nights every week....don't these people at your workplace have partners, families, kids, and other stuff to go home to....your non work time is your time to relax, do your own stuff..

I think as a compromise I would maybe attend the Christmas dinner though (I know you hate going but look upon it as a free dinner😂)...and sit near someone you get on with and chat with them...if you don't want to stay for drinks just say can't drink, I'm driving or something like that

OldAndWornOut · 27/10/2019 05:02

Works dos are the bane of my life.
Finding something to wear and trying to work out what others are likely to wear so you're dressed appropriately. Having to wear proper shoes. All talking about work.. always some arse who won't go with the flow and have a pub meal, so you end up paying loads for 1 brussel and a deconstructed duck. No thanks!

Onesailwait · 27/10/2019 05:11

I completely agree op. I have no interest in hanging out with my colleagues outside of work. They are all lovely but I have a family and plenty of friends outside of work. I already spend 40hrs + a week with colleagues. You are not obliged to go to work socials and you shouldn't have to explain yourself

ibanez0815 · 27/10/2019 05:12

gosh, I feel your pain, @bellabolla.

I never take part in these events either. I work to earn a living, not to make friends there. Ä° also have a severely disabled child and no support network and cannot go out for that reason either. Management even the told me off for not making an effort. Some work places are just weird and I always feel a bit sorry for my organiser colleague, I mean what a sad life do you have to live to be so overinvested in work. I really don't get it. and it's not for me.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/10/2019 05:19

I'm with you OP. I go to work to earn money and that's it. I don't socialise with any of them and have no desire to.

I have a clear boundary between work and home and never let the two cross over.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/10/2019 05:24

@Dinosauraddict That team member sounds like me to be honest. It's more than possible that he does not want to build a relationship on an informal level. I certainly wouldn't, for me, work is a professional environment and that's what the level of relationship needs to be for me.

I'm certainly not saying it's wrong for people to want informal if they are comfortable with that though.

tigger1001 · 27/10/2019 05:47

Yanu op. I have social anxiety, so that level of social stuff would send me into a spin!

I don't tend to go to many social things after work. Apart from the social anxiety I have two kids, so don't have the free time to be going out. I also couldn't afford that level of social activity.

Our Christmas outing usually starts at lunch, and then goes on into the evening if staff want. It's also on my day off (I work part time) so I rarely go, as I can't get childcare that day, which is why it's my day off.

The people organising these things choose to do so. And must realise that not everyone enjoys them.

ThighThighOfthigh · 27/10/2019 05:58

I would attend anything during the work day.

Mrscog · 27/10/2019 06:07

I think it’s not unreasonable to miss most things but I would make an effort to go to one or two things a year, possibly the Christmas do. It does look a bit stand offish to never go to anything if that’s the culture otherwise.

PianoTuner567 · 27/10/2019 06:11

Look, your reasons for not going are all perfectly fair, reasonable and understandable.

But if you don’t go to anything in a workplace where socialising is obviously a big thing, people are going to make judgements that you’re superior, don’t like them, not making an effort, whatever. It’s not fair or right but it’s human nature and you can’t change it.

So you either just accept it, decide you don’t mind and move on. Or you suck it up and go to the odd event, show face and then go home, the trade-off being an improvement in your relationships with your colleagues and your standing in the workplace. Only you know if it’s worth it.

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