To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

[bellabolla]

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

This is where diversity at work is your friend.

Once you've taken into account everyone's needs - ie to avoid drinking places, to provide halal, vegan, gluten free food etc, it limits the number of outside work events that you can feasibly hold

Perhaps it's time to adopt a restrictive religion or dietary regime?

I say this as a teetotal vegetarian in case anyone thinks I'm being a gammon here.

On checking my work emails our team is being encouraged to dress up for Halloween as we are seen as "boring". I don't care. The "fun" team are predominantly younger folk with no caring children getting paid to answer calls all day. We are a much more pressured part of the business, many of us already settled and quite happy to be seen as boring. Honestly, I like my job but kind of makes me want to leave just to get away from the social expectation.

*with no children. I was going to write no caring responsibilities hence the error.

I am the boss of a small team. We socialise periodically and all pay our way except at Christmas when the company contributes some of the cost. Not everyone comes to everything but we are a busy team and time out to be human with each other is really important!

I don't have any interest in socialising with the lovely people I work with. We are a real mixed bunch spanning all ages and I've done my time being 'social'. If it's an expected part of the office culture then they should make it crystal clear at the interview! Anyway, I do also have a cast-iron reason I could cite if ever I felt pressured into attending.

You don't have to attend everything but I find it useful in work relationships to occasionally show your face at after work events.

It's difficult because it's the kind of thing that's expected. I don't go to most drinks nights but I go to the Christmas party if I am in town. And I enjoy. I don't like going the lengthier outings and trips because I think is a bit too much. But my company pays for everything. Is your reason not wanting to spend the money? I think once a year is fine and stops people wondering why you refuse to participate .So, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It's an opportunity to see people in a diferent light and sometimes to talk to people outside your immediate team

Ive been in your position OP. It’s a PITA to be expected to give up your own time for what is, essentially, a work piss up, and is still like being at work (as far as being judged). I’ve been the same as you pretty much all through my career. I used to work in the terribly corporate financial services sector and my conduct as regards non-attendance at these type of events was very frowned upon. There were genuine reasons I didn’t go, the overriding one being I wanted to be home with my family.

Why don't you just drop them an email saying you don't really like these type of events and it's nothing personal towards them. I work for a large global company and do the planning for these events. Eventually you get to know the ones that don't want to come so you send the invite but know not to expect an accept

If I worked with you I wouldn't give it too much thought apart from vaguely considering you a mildly miserable git. Unless you had a cast iron ongoing excuse like childcare/ caring responsibilities.

However I do recall a past colleague gleefully telling me in confidence that her "dog" was fictional, invented as a ready excuse anytime she wanted to get away straight after work and I found it hilarious. But she was friendly and a laugh during working hours.

Where I used to work there were occasional nights out, end of term, leaving/birthday drinks etc but it wasn’t compulsory to attend and no one judged if you didn’t. I would hate to work somewhere where it was expected that everyone go to the pub after work on a Friday or anything like that.

This is me. I have worked in.my setting for 12 years and I have numerous lovely WORKfriends but I have no desire to socialise with them. Why? Because i spend over 30 hours a week with these people so isn't it natural that I should want to spend my free time with my family and friends if my choice? Plus as Op said it still feels a little bit like work. In my place there is lots of socialising like meals out, when nights etc. Everybody is welcome but nobody pressures you or asks you why you're not going, that is really invasive. There are maybe 50 people in my company and probably about 35 to 40 go to nearly everything available and the rest are similar to me. As long as people are happy, friendly and productive in work, wht should they have to attend after work social events?

Me and my boss were talking about this the other day. Love our jobs, really love working with some colleagues, have great work relationships, but work is work and they get enough of our time and attention. In work hours they can dictate what I do. In our free time, it's absolutely not up to them.

A handful of my colleagues have become actual friends and I do see them outside of work, but I would literally laugh if told I was expected to attend works a party or similar . Why? Why on earth would you think it was reasonable to make someone attend a party? What the hell is fun about that?

Im the exact same as you, I work hard, I get along with everyone and I make an effort with all of my colleagues.

But I dont have any of them on social media, I dont text or call any of them (they all text and call each other after work most nights) in fact the only people who have my personal phone number are my bosses.

As far as im concerned its work, not a friendship group. Id chat to any of them about anything they want and I'll always be nice and friendly, but when the day is done im off home!

I have found a happy medium, I go to the parties for the meal and then leave. I drive even if its only a couple of miles so that I don't drink.
I dont think it should be held against you if you choose not to go.

YABU yo not even attend the Christmas party. I mean it's once a year for Christ's sake. You don't have to go out with them every week or even month but when they pay to hold an event for team bonding I think it's important you go.

Now if you're not interested in any kind of promotion etc then I guess it's not going to impact you but people like this frustrate me where I work.

I have a colleague who gets on well with everyone but she never goes to the Christmas parties or any other events. It's just her way and no one thinks less of her for it. Your colleagues should understand that not everyone enjoys social events and that's all there is to it. So long as in work you are there with the chat and socialising, always take part in the tea making/biscuit buying if its that kind of office, then no one should think you to be stand offish

@Hey1256 - that's a bit harsh. When you've worked with the same people all week, most weeks - why should anyone be made to feel like a miserable git just because you don't want to socialise with your work colleagues on top of the week you've just spent with them? And as for Christmas - a lot of people already have a lot on, its a busy time. Like the OP, I try to avoid these occasions when it is outside of work time. That's family time for a lot of people and definitely family time for me. And team bonding? You do that AT work.

Places who don't doanythingare actually really unpleasant to work for

A case of different strokes for different folks.

Hands down the best company I've worked for never had a single social event of any kind in the whole time I worked for them. The next one after that was constantly having parties and dos and having people travel to them and it was unbearable for me - having to basically be at work but with people pretending to socialise rather than doing anything useful, and having to spend money on things that would otherwise be nice and be unable to enjoy them, rather than getting paid.

All the people were fine, nothing wrong with them, but they were the sort that enjoys office dos and I am not.

It's not unreasonable never to attend any events if you've made this your personal policy.

But then it's also not unreasonable for people to wonder why you don't want to be friends outside of work.

That they may conclude that you think you're superior / two-faced is a natural consequence.

Personally I would make the effort for the Xmas do if nothing else. I think it just gives the impression you like your co workers and keeps good feeling in the office.

@ToftyAC - really one night of the year you can't find the time to attend a work gathering?

I'm not being harsh it's my opinion. And like I said if the OP is not looking for any type of promotion etc then fine stay antisocial but I think it makes you appear you don't like your work colleagues, bottom line.

I'm not saying you have to go to every function but one or twice a year I think is reasonable.

OP has politely declined the social invites. Her comment that she doesn't intend to go to any has only come about because the two event organisers made comments about her and she was asked directly by the manager. That's the problem here.

It being a 'slap in the face' is a really over-emotive phrase to use. If they like organising stuff and lots of other people like it and attend, why would it matter if OP doesn't. I agree with the poster who said they are over-invested or it's about power.

Plenty of other examples on this thread of people who don't mix work and play without obvious negativity from their colleagues.

When I retired from my senior teaching role after 22 years I didn't even go to the end of term drinks in the Staffroom, in that time I went to one Christmas meal and what a boring night that was too! I think in an office environment there is a different expectation and I feel sorry for those whose career is blighted by their unwillingness to go on these events.