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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
WonkyDogWoman · 27/10/2019 07:30

I don't socialise outside of working hours either; I like my team and I will go to lunchtime get-togethers (leaving lunch, Christmas lunch etc) but I don't want to spend time with them outside of working time in part because I commute to work and it's a long day for me.

So I don't feel you're BU but I can see why your colleagues might wonder why you don't want to join in just as I'm sure some of mine wonder why I don't want to go out in the evenings with them.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 07:31

The two people that made the comments are the chief planners for all the events. They said that that they spend weeks planning some of the bigger events (Christmas Dinner & Parties) and it feels like a 'slap in the face' when I can't make the time to go.

Urgh, that sounds absolutely dreadful OP. I don't mind the odd works do myself but I couldn't bear working in a place where I was expected to validate colleague's decisions to spend much more time than necessary planning optional events, including paying from my own pocket, and emotionally blackmailed when I didn't.

I think I'd actually be looking elsewhere.

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 07:31

I think YABU

In some places, you simply won't last if you refuse to join in, that's part of the game - fair enough, you can decide if they are the right fit for you or not.

In other places, whilst it matters a lot less, you can still politely show your face to a couple of events a year.

People expect at the very least a Christmas do and a summer do - even many departments in schools or the NHS pay for those themselves, but they still happen.

If you always decline and state you don't want to see anyone's face after 5pm, then yes, you are being rude and superior. It wouldn't kill you to either stay later once in a while to have a drink or something, and go to an event a year. It's not hard to have a bit of a chit chat about nothing with your colleagues, let them talk, smile and encourage, sip your drink and leave, honestly.

Places who don't do anything are actually really unpleasant to work for. As long as you don't have to spend an entire monthly weekend in some hellish "team building" trip or other, why wouldn't you make an effort?

CleverLoginName · 27/10/2019 07:34

If the Christmas dinner was free would you go?

We pay for our staff- admittedly a small company - to have Xmas lunch somewhere. All food and drink included and I drop a few home after so they can have a drink

Chloe84 · 27/10/2019 07:35

Do you think they would have said the sand to a man, OP?

Plus no way would I pay £35 for such meals etc. I’d prefer to spend my money in other ways.

Chloe84 · 27/10/2019 07:35

*same not sand

ChrisPrattsFace · 27/10/2019 07:40

I agree with you OP.
I’ve never attended any event outside of work, but none of my colleagues have ever commented on it. I’ve told them I’m not a social person and although I get on great with everyone I work with, I don’t want to do all these activities with them.
I guess I’m lucky my work place are understanding!

Boysnme · 27/10/2019 07:46

I used to organise some of the socials at my work - Usually about 40-50% decline, generally the same people each time. No one ever had an issue with this provided it was said up front. What used to get me was when half those that said they were coming then didn’t turn up. Most of these events were also funded by work.

So YANBU - it’s totally your decision on whether to go or not.

Hagbeth · 27/10/2019 07:50

I would go to the main event (Christmas Dinner) and decliner the Quizzes.

BeyondMyWits · 27/10/2019 07:52

I don't attend out of hours stuff either OP. I don't think of myself as superior, I'm just old. To old to give a crap about people's opinions of me.

I do a good job, they get 100% of me when I am in work, I want to go home, put my feet up and relax when work is done. Too old to be faffing about talking about crap with a group of people with whom the only thing I have in common is work - I know this because at work - we talk. I do a better job than I would if I went out, because I am rested.

"Getting to know the team" can be done whilst you actually work alongside each other.

SuperMeerkat · 27/10/2019 07:52

YANBU. My day is 8-4pm. I never do anything outside of those hours, bog off 😂 I like the people I work with but don’t want to be mates.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 27/10/2019 07:53

The thing is that if social stuff is that important, it should be happening in work time and the employees should be getting paid. I don't mind the odd social occasion myself but that's a choice. Becomes very different when it's an expectation.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/10/2019 07:54

I work in a small but lovely team and we have one colleague who very rarely joins social events. She doesn’t drink and also I think she has some health issues, although she doesn’t really talk about it. It’s a shame she doesn’t join us more often because she’s good company but we all respect her wishes and don’t think badly of her.

YANBU OP, in your shoes I’d probably come for the Christmas bash, but you are entitled to use your free time as you choose.

Sceptre86 · 27/10/2019 08:07

I avoid xmas parties like the plague. I don't drink and can only eat certain foods due to religious reasons. Going to xmas dos mean I have to fork out money on a vegetarian or increasingly vegan meal that I know I will not enjoy and watch other people get drunk. I am not the type to dictate where we go to eat and that it must always suit my needs, if I don't fancy it I won't go.Last year my work colleagues decided to go to the theatre and a meal and then for drinks. I came to the theatre part and skipped out the meal and drinks and had a good time. I have always participated in whip rounds for things like birthdays and babies. For me work ends at 6pm, my colleagues are nice enough but having spare time is rare for me and I would rather spend it with my own friends and family.

Sandinyourshoes · 27/10/2019 08:30

I feel your pain, I felt pressure to attend work social events for many years. Leaving do’s, Christmas do’s. However at one Christmas do I found myself sitting alone after the meal and thought “Why am I even here?” I never attended any evening event ever again. I think they are more for the younger ones. I don’t drink at all now so would soon run adrift from the mood of the occasion. Certain people would always have a good excuse like being away that weekend, childcare, travelling time impracticality. But I didn’t feel I could easily say I that I didn’t fit in. However fortunately there came to be a few of us older ones who had seen the carnage and aftermath of the Christmas do and sought to avoid it, so I didn’t feel singled out in the last few years.

Ginfordinner · 27/10/2019 08:37

It sounds like your workplace organises an awful lot of social events, but TBH the “I have lots of friends outside work and don’t need to make any more friends” does come across as a little superior.

I actually like the people I work with, and occasionally meet with them outside of work, but not on a regular basis. I think there is a fine line between spending all your free time with your work colleagues and giving the impression that they aren’t good enough to spend any out of work hours time with them at all. So I would say YAB a little U to make zero effort at all.

I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any.

That is quite a snooty response isn't it. TBH, and I can see why he made the comment that some people have commented that they think you feel superior to them. You need to re-word that and say that it is inconvenient/you can’t afford it/you feel uncomfortable socialising with them/other excuse.

Not everyone has loads of friends outside of work, and some of us actually manage to make friends at work, especially if we have moved for work. How else do you find the opportunity to make friends?

I agree with many posters that at least making an effort for Christmas is a good idea.

TigerJoy · 27/10/2019 08:43

All of my workplace's social activities take place during working hours. Our christmas do is a lunch. I think it is v unreasonable to expect people to go to events outside of working hours. Your workplace is not being very inclusive with this attitude to social events (i wonder like others if they are all younger without kids). It's harder for people with caring responsibilities to attend this kind of thing.

OP, can you go back with a counter proposal? I don't know if you have caring responsibilities that you're happy to use as an excuse or if you can say you do a lot of activities that take up your spare time? Saying your working say ends at 5pm may be true but may also come across badly.

And then ask that some of the social activities take place during working hours in order for you to be able to attend. This will make it clear that you are happy / keen to do so. Ask for christmas do to be a lunch. Ask for drinks to start at 4pm. And then go to a few. If you can face it, volunteer to help organise and do so with good cheer.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 27/10/2019 08:45

I hate after work events, and will do my level best to avoid them. I do try and make one team event, and one Christmas do per year just to keep the moaning wolves at bay. I dread them tho. Imo I spend all day at work, after work is 'my' time

misspiggy19 · 27/10/2019 08:50

But if you don’t go to anything in a workplace where socialising is obviously a big thing, people are going to make judgements that you’re superior, don’t like them, not making an effort, whatever. It’s not fair or right but it’s human nature and you can’t change it.

^This. Also your comment I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any makes you sound superior and that work events are below you. I’m not surprised it has been commented on .

OtraCosaMariposa · 27/10/2019 08:55

If you don't want to go, don't go. Not compulsory and not enforceable. But you've already been given the heads-up that you're being perceived as antisocial, weird and a bit superior. That's the consequences of your actions.

I don't think there are any posters saying you have to go to everything. But showing face at the Christmas do or at other major events would seem like a sensible move.

Itsallpetetong · 27/10/2019 09:08

in fact she puts holidays in to avoid events when they come up so she doesn’t have to have these conversations! I don’t think of her as superior, I just think she’s making no effort to integrate in with the team

I have social anxiety and will make up other events I’m at rather than go to any work events. In reality I’m sat in my p.j’s from 7pm because I can’t deal with socialising. I am now going to have to attend an event, I would hate for my colleagues to think badly of me for not going to a wine and cheese night!

Sockworkshop · 27/10/2019 09:09

I never go and get on fine with my work colleagues.
Also have never worked anywhere where people go out several times a week Confused
Its a bit like HalloweenWink most people dont bother apart from a few who call you a killjoy/misery if you dont.
The Christmas party starts off well and then people drop out until there 8 people going 😂
Im honest right from the start and get on fine with my colleagues.

Sockworkshop · 27/10/2019 09:11

Also if you dont drink its immensely tedious watching your work colleagues getting trollied and then the bill being " split fairly"Hmm

Ginfordinner · 27/10/2019 09:12

Itsallpetetong do your colleagues know you have social anxiety? They would be more understanding if they knew.

zsazsajuju · 27/10/2019 09:17

You don’t have to go to every occasion but it’s pretty rude not to go to any even the Christmas party. It’s not going to work out well for you unless you make a bit more effort at work