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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have anything to do with work outside work hours?

198 replies

bellabolla · 27/10/2019 00:12

I have worked in my current company for 1 year.

There are afternoon work events planned a few nights a week. Many are reoccurring. Game night one evening. Quiz night another evening. The company loves Christmas parties and dinners.

I have worked in a few companies over the years and I have always maintained that work is work. I do my hours and leave at the end of the day. I don't attend Christmas dinners or quiz nights just because I socialise with friends outside of work and no matter what these events always feel like working and maintaining appearances.

My manager asked me on Friday whether everything was ok as it had been noted that I hadn't attended any of the after work activities and I had politely rejected invitations for all the Christmas parties. I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any. Maybe some people would see it as a shame but, I go to work to do just that and my day ends at 5pm.

I have such a good relationship with the people I work with and he agreed with this completely but, he said some people have commented that they think that I feel superior to them Confused

Do other people feel like this when a member of their team doesn't go to any afterwork events or Christmas Dinners etc? Is it unreasonable not to attend any of these events?

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 27/10/2019 09:18

I work for a firm like this. I used to always swerve socials, but nowadays make the effort to do some. I still avoid weekend and evening events that go on beyond 8.30. I have to do some all evening events which are about socialising with clients. My personal circumstances mean I take a day's holiday after to cover caring responsibilities, so those are painful enough.

For promotion and pay prospects you definitely do better if you join in fully and get to know people far better than you would in office hours. That helps make work relationships better and cross referrals across teams so I understand the reasons for it. I now interview people for senior roles and I do point out the need for this and if they were not enthusiastic about this side of the role, they wouldn't get it. It is considered key.

Ginger1982 · 27/10/2019 09:26

You don't have to go to everything but I would go to a few things. But I actually like my coworkers and even consider some of them 'friends.'

dodgeballchamp · 27/10/2019 09:36

On balance I think YABU. I don’t think anyone should feel obliged to go to EVERY work event at all, but surely going to the occasional drinks and the Christmas party isn’t a huge ordeal? saying I explained that I never have and never intend to go to any does make you sound quite hostile. If you don’t get on with your colleagues that’s a different matter, but if you like them, why wouldn’t you want them to become friends too? I don’t get the ‘I have enough friends already’ thing. It does sound superior and quite narrow minded. If you like someone isn’t it nice to make a new friendship?

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 09:37

Overall I think yanbu. There really shouldn’t be an expectation of heavy socialising with work ppl if employees don’t want to.

However, you probably should make the effort for the Christmas party. It’s once a year and time, money and effort is put into having a good night. Going won’t kill you.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 27/10/2019 10:18

I'm the same OP. I've been with the same company for over a decade and I have never attended any works social gathering including Christmas parties. I am with my co-workers for 39 hours a week I know their hobbies and interests and they know mine. We talk about our families, holidays etc so I don't understand the whole "it'll be a good chance to get to know everyone better" attitude.

Cherrysoup · 27/10/2019 10:19

I’m extremely anti-social, I never attend work dos. I socialise with my department but I haven’t ever been on work socials. I don’t see why you should. I don’t understand those people saying you aren’t the right fit for the job. What matters is if you do a good job, not if you go out and party. Regardless of the work profile, you shouldn’t need to socialise if you don’t want to.

StCharlotte · 27/10/2019 10:23

I'm meeting some former colleagues for drinks soon. We haven't worked together for 13 years but these are lifelong friends.

I've spent Christmas in Australia - twice - with a girl who I met when she temped with us (15 years ago). We've hosted her and all her siblings when they've come over here. Her youngest brother is over at the moment and comes for Sunday lunch sometimes. They call me their UK mum and our house is their UK home from home. It's lovely.

It's a shame you're not more open to developing friendships with any of your colleagues - there could be some real gems in there.

It shouldn't be held against you, particularly if transport and/or childcare are an issue, but you do come across as looking down at them and I would suggest making the effort at least for the one-offs like the Christmas party.

onceandneveragain · 27/10/2019 10:29

On the fence tbh....I know there's a weird thing on MN of over-competitive colleague hating and incredulity that people don't have anything better to do with their free time, which I find excessive. Normally I would say that nobody should be pressured to spend time out of work with colleagues and I personally wouldn't judge people either way for not going to the majority of social events- however I do think that once a year Christmas party isn't too much to ask, baring exceptional circumstances (v. young children, cost is £££, etc.). No expectation that you should stay late or even drink, but yeah I don't think a few hours one evening out of 365 is unreasonable just to show willing.

To be fair at least you don't go as far as the one or two people in our office who refuse to attend Christmas buffet, drink, quiz etc in work time (and only lasting an hour or two) and sit there in their suits pointedly typing away while the rest of us are having fun. I can see how that can feel like a bit of a 'slap in the face.'

Xenadog · 27/10/2019 10:48

When you see your colleagues far more than your own family and friends why would you want to spend even longer with them? If you want to socialise then that is great, but if you don’t, then the social club has to accept that.

By the end of term, the last thing I want to do is go out with colleagues and get hammered. I have seen these people day in day out for a term and actually just want to spend time with my own family who are usually neglected when I’m at work. If anyone alleged me on this I would think they had pretty sad Personal lives.

Xenadog · 27/10/2019 10:48

Challenged not alleged!

ThebishopofBanterbury · 27/10/2019 11:08

I work with someone like this, she always says she won't get involved out of work as the other women in our dept are "too bitchy". Its actually gone against her as most people think she doesn't come because she's stand offish and feels superior to us. So I can see what your boss means sorry.

ThebishopofBanterbury · 27/10/2019 11:15

Could you not just go out once a year? I only go maybe a couple of times a year. It really does help to get to know eachother

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/10/2019 11:20

I think YANBU. I have never attended my work Xmas party or any full office social event. For the Xmas ones: first one I was ill, 2nd year I was recovering from surgery, the next year I did say I'd go but then realised I had no way of getting home after so dropped out before final numbers, last year was in the same venue so said no straight away, this year I'm going to my DH's Xmas party as they are inviting partners for the first time.

I hate full office social events. I have attended department socials and the occasional pub-at-payday nights with my team.

When I got asked about my lack of social eventing I told my boss that I'm actually quite introverted and I don't like feeling forced to make small talk with people I don't regularly interact with at work already (we have designated seating at Xmas do to ensure mixing of teams). I also pointed out that I have DD and a DH who works a set shift pattern so I can't always be available even for the Friday evening things. Helps that I'm part time so not in the office on Fridays now and DD does her hobby (can't say, it might be outing Grin) on a Saturday morning which I'm usually the one to take her.

If social event organisers feel put out because one person can't make time for what I assume are well attended events otherwise then that's their issue. They have volunteered for that role, and I agree that working for a company doesn't mean you are automatically agreeing to attend out of hours social events. Especially when you have to pay for them! Company can't dictate what you spend your money on and who's to say that you even have leftover money to play with anyway?!

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 11:26

some people actually work during working hours, and don't spend their entire day gossiping and socialising . Going out once in a blue moon is the only time you really can have a chit chat over a drink. I really cannot see why people make it sound like they are above that.

Of course it sounds rude and standoffish.

stucknoue · 27/10/2019 11:28

It depends but it is good to be a bit flexible and friendly

57Varieties · 27/10/2019 11:31

I don’t think you’re BU given the number of events but I do think not even going for a Christmas dinner once a year is a bit miserable.

I’ve met many good friends though work, your place does sound OTT but you might be missing out on some decent friendships.

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 11:31

I really cannot see why people make it sound like they are above that.

It’s not that they think they’re above that. But in a time pressed world it’s not their priority.

We already give a huge proportion of our waking hours to work, at the expense of family and friends who we’d rather be spending time with.

My colleagues are perfectly nice, but I see plenty if them. I’m certainly not spending my very limited free time with them as well.

However I do think the Christmas party is something to make an exception for.

Bloke23 · 27/10/2019 11:32

I only do the xmas works do, but only because they will pay for transport to the nearest train station and its a free bar all night

57Varieties · 27/10/2019 11:38

I also forget that some people work places where you have to pay for social events. I’ve been in my current job 3 years and never put my hand in my pocket once on a night out Grin

ThatMuppetShow · 27/10/2019 11:56

I also forget that some people work places where you have to pay for social events.

understandable in the public sector unfortunately.

I would rather get a bigger bonus than free nights out to be fair but I still see the point and I think it's quite rude to tell others that you always have better things to do - the point is, WE ALL HAVE, still make an effort occasionally.

And if you don't like the kind of events, suggest some you'd like.

LaurieMarlow · 27/10/2019 12:04

I think it's quite rude to tell others that you always have better things to do - the point is, WE ALL HAVE, still make an effort occasionally.

Really though?

It depends on the set up. In my previous job, I frequently had to work evenings / entertain clients. Then on top of that, expectations of reasonably frequent friday night drinks.

With two small children and husband I barely saw, just no. The expectations weren’t reasonable.

My current workplace has four social events a year. All paid for including transport. I think that is reasonable.

danmthatonestakentryanotheer · 27/10/2019 12:17

I don't understand why many PP's are saying that the OP should at least try to attend the Christmas party. That, to me, would be the worst event to go to. Our works Christmas party is usually held on a Friday and on the Monday morning listening to the tales of woe, who fell over on the dance floor because they were to pissed to stand and who Tracey* from purchasing tried to cop off with this year is not my idea of fun, let alone actually being there to witness it.

*not her real name.

CactusAndCacti · 27/10/2019 12:46

I rarely go on team events. More often than not they are to the north of my workplace whilst I live a reasonable distance to the South, so a local night out for them, is actually a real ball ache for me.

I also really struggle in social situations so they are not that much fun.

PhilCornwall1 · 27/10/2019 12:59

@danmthatonestakentryanotheer

Totally agree. In 27 years (not at the same place) I haven't been to these kind of things and won't start now.

I have seen more than my fair share of people either extremely sheepish or purposely keeping away from others because of what's happened when pissed up. I don't want to be any part of that, I'm there to work and nothing else.

TSSDNCOP · 27/10/2019 13:12

The two people that made the comments are the chief planners for all the events. They said that that they spend weeks planning some of the bigger events (Christmas Dinner & Parties) and it feels like a 'slap in the face' when I can't make the time to go.

These are known as corporate martyrs.

Can you not see the gun to their long-suffering heads OP?