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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 25/10/2019 03:18

If he knows and is cool with it then fine. Otherwise yabu and should just leave him.

Star81 · 25/10/2019 03:18

Well, Does your husband have any idea? If not, if you know this would hurt him of course YABU.

What are the reasons for him not wanting a sexual relationship with you ?

Idontwanttotalk · 25/10/2019 03:20

Yes, YABU. You are cheating on your husband.

You need to speak to him to sort out the problem with your incompatible sex drives. If it can't be sorted then you need to split up. It isn't fair on him that you are being unfaithful. You should leave him first before having a relationship screwing around with someone else.

Buddytheelf85 · 25/10/2019 03:23

If he knows and he’s happy with it that YANBU.

If he doesn’t, then YABU. Sex isn’t a human right.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:26

He doesn’t definitely know because every time I’ve even broached the subject of an open relationship because of the lack of sex, he shuts down and that’s the end of the conversation.

I have brought this up many many times. I don’t want to be unfaithful but am I expected to be in a sexless relationship because my husband doesn’t want to have sex?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/10/2019 03:29

So his position is "This is how it is, I dont want things to change so you have to put up with it"?

Im not sure how you can say everything else is amazing if you are with a man who is so selfish he wont even discuss it, but based on his attitude, I wouldnt feel guilty either.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:30

Why does him not wanting sex trump me needing it?

I saw an interview recently with Ulrike Johnsson where apparently she hadn’t had sex in the entire 8 years of marriage. I absolutely empathised with her. She begged him to let her take a lover but ultimately he didn’t want to have sex with her but didn’t want anyone else to have her either. How fucking selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:33

Sorry, posted too soon.

DH basically only wants sex when he feels like it which is maybe every other month.

But, on the other hand, he is a very good partner in that he is kind and generous, considerate and loving.

OP posts:
Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 03:34

Yes of course YABU, you are entirely free to leave a relationship which doesn't fulfil your needs, it's no excuse to cheat.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:37

What I’m struggling with is that had our sex life been so infrequent when we were dating, I would have ended it.

But it only dwindled after we got married.

I’m so frustrated

OP posts:
Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:40

I’m so frustrated that things changed after it was too late to go back and not be married.

As it is now, ending this marriage is an absolute fucking nightmare. Financially and emotionally.

I just don’t know what went wrong. I can cope with once every week but once a month is, IMO, unreasonable if he’s not prepared to address this incompatibility.

OP posts:
WagtailRobin · 25/10/2019 03:40

If it's any comfort I don't think you're being unreasonable.

As far as I see it the majority of people know in their heart of hearts if there's no sex "at home" most will look elsewhere. I hate the suggestion that people should just accept a sexless relationship; By all means accept if it makes you content but if it doesn't then don't settle for a relationship that doesn't fulfill you in all departments.

I often read threads on here about husbands cheating and the wives/husbands are saying "We haven't had sex in X amount of time" and I wonder why it is they are then surprised she/he gave into temptation elsewhere. Don't get me wrong, cheating isn't nice but it happens and often it happens because there has been a "breakdown" in the bedroom.

By your own admission OP you have tried repeatedly to broach the matter with your husband, he is surely aware of the fact you have a high sex drive and you can't commit to settling long term without it, what has he done to address it? What has he tried to make things better for you both? By the sounds of it he has done nothing but bury his head in the sand.

It is absolutely understandble if in a relationship there is no sex for a period due to childbirth etc but the longer the "drought" goes on the more chance of someone "straying", I think if people believe otherwise then they are very naive.

If your husband isn't going to take an interest in sex again, then you need to either agree to an "open" situation or walk away!

RegretnaGreen · 25/10/2019 03:43

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. He is the selfish one here. My ex was like this except that he shut up shop completely but if I even looked at another man he would go crackers.

The irony was he left me for a woman who was so clearly up for it.

He asked to come back but I said a massive no.

They stayed together until she realised he was writing cheques with his mouth that his arse couldn't cash!

I laughed.

Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 03:45

But you are still free to leave. Yes it's selfish to expect you to live with less sex than you need, but it's also selfish to stay with someone and cheat because they are kind and generous in other ways, you can't have it both ways any more than he can. If your marriage hasn't lived up to its promise then you need to leave, or at the very least be honest that you have opened the relationship up so he can choose to accept it or not.

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:56

But you are still free to leave. Yes it's selfish to expect you to live with less sex than you need, but it's also selfish to stay with someone and cheat because they are kind and generous in other ways, you can't have it both ways any more than he can

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

He only had wants it when he wants it which is every other month. Whereas I want it at least once a week.

We had sex once or twice a month until we got married. Then it was less than I would have liked but I accepted it.

Now it’s more like once every other month.

In every other way we have a wonderful relationship.

I think you are very naive to think that our problems are an either or situation.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/10/2019 04:13

Is the OP getting her itch scratched elsewhere as selfish as him marrying her one day and putting the chastity belt on the next?

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/10/2019 04:15

And for me it isnt the fact that he doesnt want sex, no one should have sex they dont want. Its the fact that he is steadfastly refusing to discuss or try to resolve the issue thatis the biggest problem here.

If he were to say "Tough, I wont sleep with you more often and I dont want you with anyone else, like it or leave" then at least she knows where she stands. But by ostriching, he is actually creating the situation where she feels that her only option in order to stay married is, ironically, to cheat.

Greenwingmemories · 25/10/2019 04:20

It might not be selfish of him to not want sex every week but it is selfish of him to marry you under false pretences and then refuse to discuss it with you afterwards. I think that would hurt me as much as the lack of sex. It's the refusal to communicate that would destroy the intimacy.

Ultimately I think it will kill the relationship OP, whether you take a lover or not.

Greenwingmemories · 25/10/2019 04:21

Crossed posts!

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 04:22

Thank you @PyongyangKipperbang

You have put my feelings forward better than I could have done.

It is totally true.

As far as DH is concerned, it is what it is. We talk about it - or at least I bring it up every month or so. And he shuts it down with a comment about middle age catching up with us.

Well, my FWB is actually 5 years older than me.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 25/10/2019 04:22

But this isn't true OP:

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

Sex isn't the only thing that doesn't work. You are not communicating effectively as a couple, as you can't talk about it, and he, for sure, is not the generous kind man you paint him to be, because he's causing you understandable distress, and is just shutting down your attempts to address it.

On the FWB, yes YABU. But for yourself more than anything. You would like to be happy with your husband and you're not. You need to resolve this. If he won't address the issues, go to counselling, talk - you need to break up. FWB isn't the way - too much pain for you all.

Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 04:24

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

But doesn't that just make you selfish for not wanting to give up the things that do work between you and still cheating with someone else behind his back? It does read a bit like having your cake and eating it OP.

None of this means he's not also selfish, and being very unfair to you to expect you to accept the lack of sex and refuse to even discuss it. I just think the right thing to do when a relationship isn't meeting your needs is to leave, whether that's hard financially/emotionally or not. I don't think that's naive, I'd just prefer to stick to my principles.

Unwrittenrule · 25/10/2019 04:29

And yes, it's bloody selfish of him to 'put the chastity belt on' after they married, but if a relationship isn't living up to it's promise should cheating really be the default response rather than simply ending it?

Original poster
DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 04:30

Sex isn't the only thing that doesn't work. You are not communicating effectively as a couple, as you can't talk about it, and he, for sure, is not the generous kind man you paint him to be, because he's causing you understandable distress, and is just shutting down your attempts to address it.

This simply isn’t true.

The reason why I stay is because he is a wonderful man. We have a lot in common intellectually and we share a fantastic sense of passion and humour for life.

The only thing is our incompatible sex drives.

I want at least 3 times a month whereas he would happily go once half a year.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/10/2019 04:33

if a relationship isn't living up to it's promise should cheating really be the default response rather than simply ending it?

Im not sure....

Lets say this is about cleaning.

Before they married he pulled his weight in the housework department, then after the ring went on he stopped. He would run the hoover around and do the odd load of laundry but only just to stop the nagging. When challeneged he says he is tired but nothing changes. Same lack of respect, same lack of communication.

If the OP had posted about that then she would be told to get him to pay for a cleaner. He wont pull his weight and keep his implied promises? Outsource.

Is this really any different?