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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HandsOffMyRights · 25/10/2019 06:54

The lack of sex is one thing. A lack of intimacy/connection is another. Agree with others that if he can't talk or prioritise your needs then he's not so great.

From my experience a sexless relationship with no intimacy, that goes on for years, kills you slowly.

NerrSnerr · 25/10/2019 06:56

He needs to know you're shagging other men so he can manage his own sexual health and decide whether he wants to use condoms with you. It is really irresponsible from that perspective.

SerenDippitty · 25/10/2019 06:56

You need to get across to him that it’s a potential dealbreaker and you (both of you) either have to solve it or you will leave - the status quo is not acceptable to you.

I do agree that if you’d been a cheating husband rather than a cheating wife you’d have been flamed.

PhilCornwall1 · 25/10/2019 06:59

I do agree that if you’d been a cheating husband rather than a cheating wife you’d have been flamed.

Definitely this.

Witchinaditch · 25/10/2019 07:00

I feel for you, you waiting it 3 times a month isn’t even a high sex drive so it’s not like you’re badgering him for it morning noon and night. I’m not sure cheating is the right solution but you’re right your needs are important in a relationship. No advice really but I do feel for you.

Meirou90 · 25/10/2019 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kristallen · 25/10/2019 07:07

Hey OP. I've been where you were (except it wasn't even once a month or two - at one point it was an entire year, then got even longer than that.

I didn't "cheat". I remained faithful to him and my vows (I'm not even religious!). And it destroyed me. What's JUST as damaging as not having sex with the person you live is their total refusal to discuss it. It's not a human right but it's a basic need. If he refused to allow you anything to eat other than soup and water, nobody would think that's ok.

When this comes out, and it will, he will not accept any responsibility. You will have cheated on him and he'll be the injured party. He's not accepting responsibility for the pain it puts you in now, so he's not going to at that point!

So depending on how your social life is set up, that could cause massive massive problems in your life.

If you are not sexually compatible, you're not. In that situation it's only ever ok for the person who doesn't want sex, for whatever reason. Someone mentioned asexuality above, but that's not ok either - you shouldn't be forced into celibacy because he doesn't have insight into his sexual drive.

The two of you are best suited to being friends. Thats sad, painful too, but accepting that now BEFORE years more of this or he gets to call you a cheater, means you have a chance to salvage the friendship.

I strongly advocate for you continuing with the FWB but simultaneously not putting your head in the sand, just like he is. Tell him you're going to take a lover, that you're not joking, not threatening, that it's just a fact. If he doesn't accept that then you need to get divorced because while he can continue like this, you can't - and won't.

You can't avoid the pain that's coming one way or another, but how you handle it will determine if you have any self-esteem left (serious discussions with DH or no sex = no self-esteem) and how this impacts your chances of remaining friends longer term as well as your social circle. It's going to be hard, but think of this as him telling you he's gay after marriage and then expecting you to continue living a lie. Nothing wrong with being gay - obviously - but there is in dramatically altering someone else's sexual life again at their will (unless through illness).

Jellybeansincognito · 25/10/2019 07:09

I agree his behaviour hasn’t been great, but neither is yours.

The right thing to do here would be to give him an ultimatum and either get permission to have an open relationship, or leave. You don’t just damage someone’s trust and deeply hurt them by cheating on them, it’s wrong.
The only situations where I find your behaviour tolerable is situations where one of the people in the marriage has become disabled and the partner stays but finds love, secretly with someone else.

For what a lovely man he is- apart from the sex, don’t kid yourself that you love and respect him. You’d not be behaving the way you are now if you did, cheating deeply damages people emotionally, if you cared about him so deeply you’d have this conversation with him and now allow him to shut it down.

kristallen · 25/10/2019 07:09

Btw I would now say the same to any man who got married and then their wife stopped wanting sex after the marriage. It's a different situation when it's after birth or a medical procedure, which is often what happens the other way around, but if it continued and she refused to even discuss it, then I'd say the same.

PookieDo · 25/10/2019 07:10

You are married to a good friend now, not a romantic sexual partner

And that friendship will be destroyed if/when he finds out about your FWB. I honestly think you have a short window of time where this will last before it implodes on you, and you won’t be prepared for it. Whereas if you separate from him peacefully and mutually, it will be much more manageable than coming home one day to a very angry and upset husband and a suddenly destroyed marriage

Jellybeansincognito · 25/10/2019 07:10

^ you have ultimately cheated now, so I think all of that is too late.
You need to tell him, and leave.

Provincialbelle · 25/10/2019 07:11

The problem is that sex is much more complicated than most other human activities. It’s not like she has a glass of wine with a friend because she is a wine lover and her DH is a teetotaller. There is always more involved and in my experience no apparently simple arrangement such as FWB remains simple for long. This is going to go badly at some point - you can bet the house on it. You should have an ultimatum conversation with your DH, and if he won’t even discuss then you need to leave. It will happen eventually so best to do it now and be done with it

mummabubs · 25/10/2019 07:13

I do understand why the situation is really frustrating for you OP. However I don't believe this justifies infidelity. If you were a man posting about sleeping with a female friend because their wife wasn't giving them enough sex they'd be absolutely flamed. If this was an open relationship then fine, but it isn't. You need to overtly say something to him to let him know that you need to talk about it- or at the very least even if he doesn't want to dicuss it with you, you need to tell him how you feel and he just needs to listen.

PookieDo · 25/10/2019 07:13

Is it really a basic need? Confused

What happens to single people who don’t have sex? Are they secretly all desperately sad and unhappy? Or are they able to live completely fulfilled lives without sex at all? If this is about orgasm - anyone can do that themselves

It’s a desire ergo a want. A strong want for OP and there is nothing wrong with that, but it is often tied to a deep desire for intimacy and feelings of rejection when they aren’t able to have sex.

It is not a basic need

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 25/10/2019 07:20

OP I think what you're looking for is permission to continue your affair whilst keeping the comfort and security of your marriage.

Neither you or your husband are "wrong" but continuing in a more or less sexless marriage whilst having an affair is cheating all three of you out of what you could have instead - a good relationship with good sex.

How would you feel if the reason your husband doesn't want sex with you was because he was getting it elsewhere?

I suspect you'll stay as you are, but it's not a satisfactory situation. I think there are many many couples like this and it's really sad.

edwinbear · 25/10/2019 07:21

I feel for you OP and FWIW I think YANBU. He enjoys sex otherwise wouldn’t want it at all, but chooses to deny you the frequency you would like. It’s selfish and I would do the same.

confusedandemployed · 25/10/2019 07:23

I'm always surprised that people cite the "forsaking all others" bit of the marriage vows ahead of the "love, comfort, honour and keep" bit.
Both people in a marriage have a responsibility to uphold all of their vows, not just the fidelity bit. Shutting down communication is no more in the spirit of marriage than having a FWB is, IMO. Both are just as damaging to a marriage.
So in summary I think in the circumstances YANBU OP.

BlueCornsihPixie · 25/10/2019 07:26

Yes YABU, you are cheating plain and simple

Your marriage is sexless. You have to decide whether you want to stay in a wonderful but sexless marriage. Or leave and have sex. Both are entirely your choice. What you can't do is stay in the wonderful marriage and get sex elsewhere, and then justify this to yourself.

You would be well within your rights to leave, your DH has been selfish too. This would be entirely justified, but you can't cheat.

onanothertrain · 25/10/2019 07:34

YABU. You are cheating on partner, no matter what your excuse is and you are lying to your DH so your relationship can't be that great. If the lack of sex is a deal breaker for you then leave.
From PP looks like people having an affair are no longer torn to pieces on MN so looking forward to seeing these same responses the next time a man posts with the same situation 🙄

mrsmuddlepies · 25/10/2019 07:34

This kind of thread highlights the double standards on MN. If a woman does not want sex and there have been a number of threads like this recently, there is an outpouring of sympathy towards her and dismissal of a husband who pressures his wife for a sexual relationship. If it is a man who only wants sex once a month and his wife wants sex more often, he is the selfish one.
Place marked.

DistanceCall · 25/10/2019 07:35

You seem to want to keep your relationship, although I really cannot see why. Sex - in my view - is not just something that can be detached from the rest of your relationship, because it's such an intimate, private thing. If that goes badly, it will seep into the rest of your relationship (and I think it's already a manifestation of the things that are going wrong).

Anyway. If, for whatever reason, you want to keep your relationship, you need to tell your partner, openly, that you will be sleeping with other men because you are not getting enough sex and need it.

If he's happy with that and accepts it, then you have an open marriage. Go ahead.

If he's not happy and refuses, then you need to leave.

FeeFee832 · 25/10/2019 07:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Sorry to hear this op. X

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 25/10/2019 07:38

It sounds like you’re reluctant to leave your DH because of money.

Dongdingdong · 25/10/2019 07:41

What’s an FWB?

LizzieSiddal · 25/10/2019 07:41

He needs to know you're shagging other men so he can manage his own sexual health and decide whether he wants to use condoms with you. It is really irresponsible from that perspective.

Agree with this.

You must tell him and you’re being disingenuous when you say he wont discuss things.

You simply tell him “I’m going to sleep with other people”.