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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Buyitinbamboo · 25/10/2019 07:44

His behaviour is bad but yours is far worse in my opinion. It doesnt matter that he won't discuss it. You simply say "I need sex more often so I have started having sex with someone else" and then deal with the fall out from that. He may be avoiding the topic but so are you if you don't outright tell him.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 07:46

I'm not going to flame you.

I think your husband is tremendously selfish.

Sounds like he's gay or asexual. Even prior to your marriage, 3/4 times a month isn't much...sounds like he kept up a charade to get you to marry him, now you are married, he doesn't even need to bother with that.

Poor you...I don't blame you for what you're doing. And yes, I'd absolutely say the same if the sexes were reversed.

Personally, I think you should leave him. He won't change and you'll have a miserable life.

CodenameVillanelle · 25/10/2019 07:47

I'm with you, but you need to be upfront with him.

Sparkletastic · 25/10/2019 07:47

I think your solution is perfectly reasonable as long as you are honest with him about it. That way he gets an equal say in whether to continue with your marriage.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 07:47

Of course YABU, if you really believe you're not, why dont you tell him about it?

Anothernick · 25/10/2019 07:48

You have a right to expect your partner to satisfy you sexually, and if he/she doesn't do that then your relationship is at risk. You have been married only a short time and I guess you have no DC? In which case you need to think very carefully about the future - you could be spending the next 40-50 years like this and it might be better to get out now if he really won't engage with the issue.

MoodLighting · 25/10/2019 07:51

Of course you are being unreasonable!

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 07:53

You had better not demand a penny from him in the divorce

Who the fuck are you to say that?!

DonkeyHotty · 25/10/2019 07:54

YABU. You are a cheat. Your relationship is actually crap because no matter how well you get on, it is now a complete farce. How can you look him in the eyes and be sincere knowing that you’re shagging someone else behind his back?

Fair enough if this was an open relationship but it’s not. It’s now a damaged relationship and the poor bloke has no idea about the lies and secrecy it’s now based on. You want your cake and to eat it too. Do the right thing and leave your dh, stop being so bloody selfish.

The double standards on this place Hmm

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 25/10/2019 07:55

*If the OP had posted about that then she would be told to get him to pay for a cleaner. He wont pull his weight and keep his implied promises? Outsource.

Is this really any different?*

Vastly different, and I'm sure you're being facetious.

For it to be comparable, OP, would have to tell her husband she is outsourcing. She's not telling him. So she's cheating.

Talk to your husband, OP. You're likely to be together for the next 40 years. Are you going to continue lying to him for that length of time? He might be happy for you to "outsource". All the good qualities you attribute to him are all the opposite of what he will think of you if you continue to do this for the duration of your marriage without his knowledge.

You want to remain married to him because you think he's great in every other way. He might or might not want to remain married to you. You have to talk to him and give him the choice. He might be fine with it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 25/10/2019 07:57

If he's kind and loving and wants to cuddle, then isn't it really just the release of orgasm that you're chasing? If you get the closeness and the emotional feedback from your husband that you want, then surely the only part of sex missing is the orgasm?

Why not just have a wank in that case?

My previous partner wanted sex all the time. But never to cuddle or hold hands or chat or have any physical closeness. If he could have copulated from the other side of the room, he would have done. I left him. Sounds like the mirror reverse of your problem.

DowntownAbby · 25/10/2019 07:57

I am with you, OP.

It's completely unfair of your DH and I don't see anything wrong with an open relationship.

My own DH and I have been in a similar position (both ways) at different times but we're more relaxed about such things than most people, having dabbled in swinging in the past.

The only issue here is him not being willing to discuss it with you. I think you're going to have to force the issue, at least in as far as telling him what's going to happen - I.e. you're going to take an FWB and he can either accept it or do something about it.

The fact you've already done so isn't great - I couldn't do that myself - but it's understandable given your frustration.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 07:57

You had better not demand a penny from him in the divorce

Don’t give ridiculous and incorrect advice. However a marriage breaks down, the split of marital assets is done separately.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 07:57

stop being so bloody selfish

Personally I think he's the selfish one to expect her to give up an important part of her life with no discussion.

pugparty · 25/10/2019 07:59

YABVU. And putting your husbands health at risk. I hope to god you've had half a brain cell to use a condom.

Men are allowed to have changing sex drives, just like the thousands of women on here who post about it do. For different reasons sometimes, but it happens.

You need to decide if you can live with the possibility that level is sex is forever, and if it is then you need to decide if you can stay with him. It's ok to want more sex. But its not ok to lie and cheat to your husband and put his health at risk.

ChilledBee · 25/10/2019 08:00

I get what you mean. Your need for sex is as important as his need not to have sex. However, it is right that you're staying because he's good in other ways which is sort of selfish. Either sex is a dealbreaker for you or it isn't. It's perfectly fine to leave just because the sex is unsatisfactory. It is also fine to view his refusal to work out a compromise as a sign that your feelings matter little to him.

I'd leave him because the sex is shit and he doesn't give a crap about how that makes me feel. I think it is understandable that you're cheating but it doesn't make it right.

Djimino · 25/10/2019 08:02

YABU.

You should separate from your husband or at least be honest about what you are doing.
What if you catch an STD or fall pregnant by the other guy or what if he decides to tell your husband.
Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship and you are betraying your husband.
Your husband has the right to decide when he has sex. Any man who pressurised a woman to have sex for whatever reason would be crucified on Mumsnet but for some reason the rules don't apply when it's woman who wants more sex.

You should tell your husband and you should split up. You aren't compatible.

AmIThough · 25/10/2019 08:02

YABU.
If he knew you were getting it elsewhere do you really think he'd be ok with it? Of course he wouldn't. You'd be getting a divorce because you're a cheat.

NewName73 · 25/10/2019 08:03

You both need counselling.

Derbee · 25/10/2019 08:04

YABU to cheat on your DH.
YABU to marry someone when you were only having sex once a week have a high sex drive.

YANBU to want more sex. YANBU to decide that you want a FWB on the side of your marriage. But YABU not to tell your husband. He shouldn’t have a choice not to discuss it. You should just say “I love being married to you, but I cannot live with this amount of sex. Therefore I see no other option but to have an open relationship” or something along those lines. What will happen if he decides he would like a lover too? You have to accept it, by the same reasoning.

The biggest reason YABU is that you haven’t tried to get to the bottom of the lack of sex. He might be stressed, depressed, struggling with ED, etc etc. A more understanding partner would be trying to get to the bottom of their situation rather than shagging someone behind their spouses back.

You can do what you want in a relationship, as long as the partner knows. They have a right to decide if what you are offering is acceptable to them, or whether they want to end the relationship. Currently, you are simply trying to justify cheating.

minesagin37 · 25/10/2019 08:04

Why don't you just shout across the room 'I'm screwing someone else'. You say you haven't told him because he shuts you down but that's a barefaced lie. It's easy in the end to express yourself!

InDubiousBattle · 25/10/2019 08:06

I know you're saying that he won't discuss it and that he 'shuts down' but I'm guessing "dh, I am sleeping with another man" will open the conversation right up. Do that. You have to give him the opportunity to decide .

DistanceCall · 25/10/2019 08:07

If he's kind and loving and wants to cuddle, then isn't it really just the release of orgasm that you're chasing? If you get the closeness and the emotional feedback from your husband that you want, then surely the only part of sex missing is the orgasm?

How can I put this? For some people, being fucked (or fucking) IS an emotional thing too. I know I wouldn't be happy with just "cuddles". FFS.

InDubiousBattle · 25/10/2019 08:07

X posted with minesagin