Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

[DianaMitfordM]

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

Pretty soon now that you are having sex with someone else and he find out then sex or lack of it won't be the only problem in your marriage! It will be deceit, lies and lack of trust. So that should give you more material to warrant divorce!

However, I do agree that a man who simply refuses to discuss or address the issue isnt as caring or generous as he appears to be.

The goalposts have shifted massively since you got married.

It's an extreme move to,walk away from a marriage but ultimately it may be the only way.

You seem unclear about what your deal breaker is

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex if the "only thing" that doesn't work was that he left his socks on the bedroom floor, then you'd be more likely to fix the problem. Your physical needs not being met and him locked down on communication with you isn't an easy one to fix.

Only you can decide if you're willing to stay around and resolve the problem but you resorting to FWB is no more effective as a solution than him being an ostrich.

It all comes under the same category of papering over the cracks.

I'm with other posters that say you're both being selfish. You can and should leave him rather than cheat. He can and should take actions to reach a reasonable compromise or let you go / consent to an open relationship. You are both being unreasonable and unfair to the other person. Neither of you are living up to the promises you made to each other.

The question on my mind is do you still have sex with your husband when he does want it, without disclosing to him the fact you're also having sex with another partner?

He wont pull his weight and keep his implied promises? Outsource.

Well yes, but not without his knowledge. The cleaning analogy breaks down here because not telling him you've hired a cleaner doesn't involve any potential risk to his health or breaking your marriage vows. In OP's shoes I would've pushed for an agreement to an open marriage and left if he wasn't willing to compromise, 'outsourcing' isn't the problem, the deceit is.

If the OP had posted about that then she would be told to get him to pay for a cleaner. He wont pull his weight and keep his implied promises? Outsource.

Is this really any different?

It depends on the value you place on physical intimate contact. If all it is to a person is a physical act, bish bash bosh, then outsource and be done with it.

If marriage is more of the "mind body and soul" (which, for example, it is to me) then a quick FWB just doesn't cut the mustard.

Only the OP can answer that - to be honest I think this thread is pointless because giving the OP a thumbs up on FWBing is pointless when people's views on fidelity in marriage varies so wildly.

But how can she do it with his agreement when, whenever she has tried to discuss going elsewhere, he shuts it down and refuses to talk about it?

I disagree that the deceit is the problem. The cause of the deceit, his refusal to address is the issue, is the problem.

And he broke his vows too, before she did.

The reason why I stay is because he is a wonderful man. We have a lot in common intellectually and we share a fantastic sense of passion and humour for life

Sorry OP but your narrative of this amazing mind to mind connection, laughing at each other's jokes etc etc, is incompatible with him not even being willing to sit and talk about something that's upsetting you. He can't be that wonderful- I wouldn't be impressed with someone who minimises my needs to that extent,

Have you tried broaching the subject purely from the perspective of medical health. Maybe he has a physical health problem like ED that he is trying to avoid talking about? Or feels pressure to 'perform' ?

I’m a bit surprised by some of these replies. The OP is sleeping with someone else without her husband’s knowledge.

Yes there are clearly issues with the lack of intimacy and communication and I don’t blame the OP for feeling frustrated but I don’t think it’s ok to just ‘take a lover’ without getting express consent to this arrangement from the husband.

You need to properly discuss matters with your husband and go from there. Be totally honest with him. FWIW I agree that he is not being fair to you.

Where in the wedding vows does it say you wont get a cleaner?

OP what he is doing isnt ok. But what do you mean he shuts it down when you broach the subject of an open marriage? You need to simply tell him. Open marriage or divorce.

He isnt kind or a good partner, if he cut off sex as soon as you were married. He married you under false pretences. He is being selfish refusing to even discuss it. He was selfish to marry you knowing he wasnt that fussed about sex and you are.

Marriage problems are rarely solved when one is selfish so the other one starts acting selfishly instead.

What you are doing isnt right. The fact that hevis also in the wrong, doesnt make it right. The right thing to do would be to simply tell him. No trying to talk your way up to it. Just say it. If he refuses to acknowledge it. Theres your answer.

Honestly, if you were a man saying the same thing, no one would have sympathy for you.

But how can she do it with his agreement when, whenever she has tried to discuss going elsewhere, he shuts it down and refuses to talk about it?

Him refusing to talk doesn't make him deaf, OP could (and should) still have told him she was opening up the marriage. And yes he probably did break his vows first, doesn't mean OP had to follow suit, the decent thing would still have been to leave rather than cheat.

It's unfair if his problems are due to health, depression or Asexuality.
It's fair if he's getting it elsewhere, doesn't find you attractive anymore or is a porn addled looser.

So it really depends on why he's not interested.

I can't help feeling that if you were a husband saying thisz you would get your arse handed to you OP, but anyway...

YABU to cheat. The problem with cheating isn't the actual physical act IMO, it is the deceit, lies and disrespect to your husband that is the problem. You have to flip it and think how you would feel. Either have a discussion with him about an open relationship or walk away. To be fair you said up thread that before you married you would only have sex once or twice a month, personally I think that is quite sparse, so it isn't like it has gone from every day to where you are now.

YANBU to want to have a satisfying sex life. But you might need to accept that it will not be with your husband. You can't control his sex drive. But just because he has a low sex drive doesn't mean he deserves to be cheated on

Yes, YABVU, extremely selfish and very cruel.

If you are in a relationship where you don’t get enough sex and that’s a dealbreaker for you, you need to leave, not cheat. It’s that simple, no ’buts’.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

He is being unreasonable and in your shoes I'd probably do the same thing.

A PP said sex isn't a human right - not sure about that - maybe it is maybe it isn't but I know one thing for sure - it is most certainly a human need and being sexually unfulfilled is one of the main causes of relationship problems. No doubt someone will say so is deceit and unfaithfulness but in your defence you would prefer not to have to be deceitful and have tried to address this issue with your husband but he's refusing to deal with it.

As for the cleaning analogy - a PP said getting a cleaner if a husband refused to help with the housework wouldn't lead to lies and deceit - but what if it did? What if the husband refused to pay for a cleaner or said they didn't need one and a woman went behind his back and got one anyway? Most people would agree the woman was not being unreasonable.

As for your DH saying sex dwindles in middle age- that's complete nonsense - my other half and I are in our late fifties and regular sex is vital to our relationship.

Unfaithfulness gets a lot of criticism on MN but personally I think if you're not getting what you need and you've tried to address it with your DH and he's refusing to 'play ball' you have every right to go elsewhere.

You are using condoms aren't you? With both men?

Essentially, you're justifying your infidelity to yourself by saying how good your relationship is otherwise - almost implying that you would be unreasonable to leave when (paraphrasing) 'everything else works so well' - when what this is really about is having your cake and eating it. I'm afraid nobody on here is going to give you absolution for infidelity, though.

It's fine to not be able to cope with the amount of sex on offer, but then you have to be open and honest with him and give him the choice - things improve (perhaps with counselling), open relationship or you leave. If you won't do that, then you have to accept the way things are because your decision is that the 'everything else' outweighs the lack of sex. You do have to take this decision, though.

I'm not saying he's behaved well, at all. He wants to have his cake and eat it too (be married to you but not have to bother about sex). And I agree that this mutual selfishness and absorption each in your own needs without being able to compromise/communicate (I know you say you have tried - but you have shut down effectively now too, haven't you?) means that this relationship isn't as (otherwise) perfect as you seem to be telling yourself.

I feel for you op. When dh and i first got together (nearly 20 years ago) we had a good and regular sex life. After a year we got engaged and over the next year things dwindled a bit but we were in the process of buying a home, moving in together and planning a wedding plus he had a medical issue. So when we discussed his dwindling interest this was his excuse.

We went on to have two children and our sex life got worse and worse and I'm lucky if we have sex 4/6 times a year.

Its been the hardest most sole destroying thing but I committed to him and our children so I'm stuck. I would never uproot our lives over this and have gotten used to it and try to not take it personally.

I couldn't imagine actually having sex with someone else even if DH agreed to an open marriage and i have very strong opinions on adultery so that is out.

I think as your marriage is so new and you don't have children you need him to understand that you either split up or he accepts an open marriage - or he fulfils your intimate needs.

I've always found it weird how most men seem to have a higher sex drive than women then the women except they have sex when they are not in the mood because their partner is yet when its the other way round men don't seem to feel the same. Having the relationship i do has always made me uncomfortable having some conversations with groups of women as they can make comments about their husbands always wanting sex etc and I don't have that but would have loved it!

I'm afraid nobody on here is going to give you absolution for infidelity, though.

Looks like some are if you read some of the responses.

End the relationship first and then get the sex you need.

OP, I could have written this. I am in the exact same situation. Sleeping with a LT male friend in a similar boat to me, because my DH only wants sex once a month and shuts down when I try and discuss it.

Feel free to PM me, as I suspect you will get flamed on here, but I completely understand how you got to the point of not feeling guilty because your DH refuses to address the situation and just expects you to lump it.

I also get on with my DH fantastically in every respect except for the mismatched libidos.

And he broke his vows too, before she did.

What vows did he break?

There are many threads on here about wives who no.longer want to have sex and always the husband is called disgusting for pestering for sex, that sex isn't a right, that it's the husband's fault the wife doesn't want sex because he's not romantic enough, doesn't do his share of housework, doesn't take her out for meals etc and make her feel loved and attractive. I've not once seen anyone suggest that the husband should get a FWB behind the wife's back.

Ultimately no one should be coerced into having sex they don't want. Op you're wrong for cheating on your husband. Not only that, as you are still having sex with him, albeit infrequently you're putting his health at risk by having sex with 2 partners at the same time.

You need to tell him what you are doing and accept that he might choose to leave you over it.

Yes YABU....I'm amazed at some of the replies. They'd be a completely different response if you were a man cheating on his wife I'm sure!

He’s being incredibly selfish by not being prepared to discuss it.

He doesn’t unilaterally get to decide how much sex is enough for both of you, especially when he was more active before the marriage. Almost like he got you under false pretences.

YANBU. I can definitely empathise with your experience (10 years into what is basically a sexless marriage - but one that aside from that issue is loving and happy). Like you I told my husband straight up I wouldn't be able to live this way. That if sex wasn't going to be part of our relationship then eventually I would have to seek it outside the relationship. He acknowledged this but nothing really changed. Eventually after years I had a couple of FWB situations.

Yes, I know no one has a right to sex - but like yours, the relationship before marriage was sexually active, so I felt like I was sold a false dream. I promised in our wedding vows to be faithful - not to be chaste.

For a partner to - in the long term - to refuse to have sex with you, but also to refuse for you to have sex with anyone else, is like saying 'your body belongs to me whether I want it or not'. It is control. It is depriving another person of a basic human experience conducive to happiness and wellbeing. I can't get on board with that.

He can't be as lovely as you say when he won't discuss this with you. If he doesn't know about your fwb arrangement then you're cheating on him, you're damaging your own integrity. It's up to you if you can deal with that