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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blubelle7 · 25/10/2019 08:37

Maybe he has a medical problem and is embarrassed to talk about it.

My friend's DH told her he would not have sex with her until she lost the 3 stone she gained during pregnancy as well as the 2.5 stone he had expected her to lose before she fell pregnant.

He was still having sex with other people. She felt bad and said she would do it but he was suggesting things to her like surgery and starving herself- eating cottonballs and wet toilet paper to feel full so she would lose weight.

She said no and he was indignant that she would refuse. They are currently separating. She says if he had been concerned with her health and actually supporting her to do something she has wanted to do all her life it would be different. She understood not being attractive to him but the way he went about was abusive and controlling. And he would not even touch her or kiss her. No hugs nothing and was increasingly abusive and short tempered with her.

She said the sex was important but not so much as just physically connecting with her as she is a tactile person and spent 2 years without hugging anyone except her DS.

Different from your situation but still rooted in control in refusing sex or to talk about it and expecting you to live without it. Noone should have sex when they don't want to but you should discuss it openly and be prepared for the consequences i.e. a partner may choose to leave if they cannot cope with the situation. He should discuss it with you at least

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 25/10/2019 08:38

Nerdycurvyinkedanspervy

What you're doing isn't unreasonable as you were open about it from the beginning and your other half accepted it. this isn't the case for the op as she is suggesting this set up with someone who clearly isn't interested in it working like that and gas resorted to cheating.
You have an open and honest relationship she is cheating and being deceitful. Both of you are in the same boat, you dealt with it well and it works not so for op.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 25/10/2019 08:38

He doesn’t definitely know because every time I’ve even broached the subject of an open relationship because of the lack of sex, he shuts down and that’s the end of the conversation.

Then you know that he isn't happy with this and your marriage is probably over when he finds out anyway.

It's a hugely unfair situation and I do feel for you greatly, but you are still cheating on him and it's likely this relationship will end when he finds out anyway. If he is a really wonderful man in all other aspects, can you not explain that you can't carry on like this, and you need to talk about it or the marriage is done for?

It's heading that way anyway.

TammySwansonTwo · 25/10/2019 08:41

Why does him not wanting sex trump me needing it?

Because otherwise you’re forcing someone to have sex they don’t want.

I have completely lost my libido for many years due to a medication I was on a decade ago. Occasionally it will come back temporarily due to a change in hormone levels but then it’s gone again.

I can’t force myself to do it, it’s traumatic.

It has obviously put a huge strain on our marriage. The main difference is that we discuss it and I’ve spent the last however many years doing whatever I can to try and fix it, pretty much unsuccessfully but I am trying.

DH knows that I would completely understand if he left. You can’t just have sex with someone else. If the relationship isn’t working for you, which it clearly isn’t, you need to leave, no matter how well you get on.

It isn’t just the sex that’s the issue - in a good relationship you’d be able to talk about what’s going on. You’d be able to understand why the frequency has reduced - did he do it just so you’d marry him or is it something else? Is he taking new medication, depressed, hormonal imbalance etc etc?

You don’t have to live a sexless life (not that once every 1-2 months is sexless), but equally you can’t force him to have sex he doesn’t want, and you can’t have sex outside your marriage unless he’s okay with it. What would happen if you told him? If you think it’s okay you should have no problem telling him.

I suggest counselling so you can get to the bottom of it and make a decision.

Lowlandlucky · 25/10/2019 08:43

Does your DH have a heart condition or any othe medical issues that would kill his sex drive ? Worht a trip to the Doctors to find out.
Can you imagine how he must feel everytime you sneak off to sllep with some other bloke ? His heart must be breaking, what a cruel way to treat the man you say you love, betyou would be screaming from the roof tops he cheated on you.

Pinkyyy · 25/10/2019 08:45

YABVU and a cheater. I hope he finds out, he deserves better. Nobody is forcing you to stay with him but you're choosing to stay and cheat.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 08:49

Lots of projection that the OH will be devastated.

I absolutely agree the OP needs to talk it through with him (and in fact force him to discuss it, he doesn’t get to make decisions that impact them both without a discussion) but he might be happy she “takes that side of things elsewhere” to quote a book I’ve just read.

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 08:54

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AmIThough · 25/10/2019 08:56

@JacquesHammer the issue is that even OP doesn't know if he'd be ok with it.
If she did it wouldn't be an issue.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 08:57

Post edited by MNHQ to remove mention of deleted post

Personally I think he appears to have tricked her into marriage. I would strongly suspect he's gay or asexual.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 08:58

the issue is that even OP doesn't know if he'd be ok with it
If she did it wouldn't be an issue

Indeed. That was pretty much covered by the bit where I said she needs to discuss it with him! Smile

BobTheZombie · 25/10/2019 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 09:00

Then to expect to cash in on the money of the spouse you’ve been cheating on since you were newlyweds?

Don’t be daft. This level of projection is massively unhelpful.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 25/10/2019 09:02

Same here, but 20 years on.... Really, really lovely dh. Great father. Has stood by me through thick and thin. But the last time we had sex was January 2018!

This has been an issue on and off during our whole marriage. I thought I was going crazy at some point. Went through EVERY scenario you could think of. Is he gay? Is he getting it somewhere else? Is he sick? Is he stressed? Does he not fancy me? The rejection is crushing.

After 15 years of marriage I suddenly started getting attention from other men again and actually started to notice. It felt bloody good. I was in the process of arranging a FWB when he found my texts.

He went for tests and everything came back fine. He said he would go to a psychologist and went twice. For a short time he made an effort, but now we're almost two years down the line from the last time we had sex and we're back to square one.

I honestly don't know how to fix it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Guavaf1sh · 25/10/2019 09:05

I have sympathy for both of you. Sex is so important in a healthy relationship but cheating isn’t decent behaviour. Better leave him than carry on this charade of a marriage. Find a partner with a similar libido. Nobody bears all the blame in this situation- it’s shared

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 09:06

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nespressowoo · 25/10/2019 09:06

I feel for both of you, OP. I don't think I could've started sleeping with a FWB though. You need to have this conversation with your DH. There could be an underlying reason why he's not up for it as often as you'd like. I think this FWB is going to hurt him even more.

I don't see you have any option really than to end it. If he shut down the conversation you should've made a point at discussing it - there are many ways in which you could've done this for him to see the seriousness in it.

I don't think a FWB is the answer sorry.

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 09:08

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formerbabe · 25/10/2019 09:09

He had the lower sex drive and it was fine with him at 3/4x a month

Or that was too much for him but he forced himself because otherwise she wouldn't have married him? Now they are married, he doesn't think he needs to bother at all.

BrokenWing · 25/10/2019 09:12

But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

If you are cheating I'd say trust, honesty, respect and, from your pp's where you cant talk about this to work to a resolution together, communication is pretty fucked too.

Your excuses for cheating behind his back are weak and unacceptable.

JacquesHammer · 25/10/2019 09:13

What projection?

That she is out to screw him financially. There is zero evidence of that so I would suggest better to wait for more information rather than creating scenarios.

Itsjustmee · 25/10/2019 09:14

OP you sy he is kind and considerate but he’s not either of those as he is stonewalling you refusing to talk about it . That’s not the actions of a kind and considerate man
It won’t get any better it will only get worse
If you stay with him you will be back here next year saying he only wants it once a year
He did enough at the beginning to entice you and now he’s married he probably thinks he had no need to do any more than the minimum
Honestly I would take up a FWB and think fuck him if he wants to be selfish in bed then so can you
He has everything he wants friendship companion and sex when he wants it or dosent want it

You have a half marriage

DoctorAllcome · 25/10/2019 09:16

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M3lon · 25/10/2019 09:18

If the relationship is genuinely great otherwise then one of the two of you needs to take positive action to change your libido.

You seem to place responsibility for that firmly on your DH. Is there a reason you aren't considering modifying your own libido?

I'm sure its possible....

Beansandcoffee · 25/10/2019 09:22

If it think he tricked the OP into marriage. He has a very low sex drive to the extent he can’t be bothered. Whilst dating he probably thought he should live up to the expectation that everyone is at it. Now married he can’t be bothered. Lots and lots of women on this site have done the same thing. Dating, sexy underwear, enthusiasm etc. Marriage and kids now really would prefer to read a book. We don’t tell them they tricked their husbands into marriage and kids.

However you are unreasonable to be having an affair. Communication isn’t a problem - just tell him you are leaving him because of no sex. He will listen then - if he wants to.