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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 27/10/2019 06:03

Just out of interest OP, how would you feel if he started having sex elsewhere too? Would that be ok?

GummyGoddess · 27/10/2019 06:46

@PatchworkElmer that would be a different situation, he would reject her to sleep with other people. She isn't rejecting him like he is her.

Aridane · 27/10/2019 06:51

Still a fundamental breach of marriage vows!

GummyGoddess · 27/10/2019 07:18

It is, but one is rejecting the person because they can't be arsed, the other situation is rejecting the person because they want someone else. Neither is good but he literally can't be arsed because it isn't important to him. If it isn't important then why should he mind what op is doing?

Branleuse · 27/10/2019 07:25

Libido does dip here and there naturally, but this appears to be a consistent lack of interest or passion from the husband and refusal to even talk about it.
The right thing to do might be to end it and move on, but she has already pretty much told the guy that she will be sleeping with others if he doesnt want to, and he stonewalls her. To me its clear that he knows and wants to just carry on, as hes not making moves to leave either. You cant really insist two people split because its the morally right thing to do, when it looks like neither of them actually want to.

PatchworkElmer · 27/10/2019 07:57

@GummyGoddess I disagree. If the OP really wants an open marriage, she should be ok with it working both ways. If she’s not, then she could have issues with this ‘arrangement’ down the line.

... Though obviously it would be hurtful if she wanted sex with her DH, and he wanted it with someone else but not her. I’m pointing out that this could happen is they agree to an open marriage.

OP, FWIW, I agree with countless others who point out that your relationship is fine otherwise- it’s clearly not, you aren’t communicating properly.

PatchworkElmer · 27/10/2019 07:57

*isn’t

Shortfeet · 27/10/2019 08:59

@Oblomov19
She’s not very unhappy

She’s in a marriage that’s very happy .
Apart from lack of sex

That she gets elsewhere.

She loves her husband

Why divorce ?

MacabreMannequinFun · 27/10/2019 09:09

Actually it would be good if OP could address this issue...

What if its that your husband doesn't want sex with YOU? And if you agree to an open marriage, he has a good sex life with a FWB of his own? Or what if you tell him about the cheating and then he cheats?

Would you be happy with all of the above?

larrygrylls · 27/10/2019 11:25

Gummy,

How can that be a serious question? You may not be into getting luxury spa days from your husband, does that mean you are happy that he treats other women to them?!

The issue here is deceit, not sex. If the OP wants a FWB she should just tell her husband and let him decide how he wants to proceed.

I also struggle to see sex as a ‘need’. How do people cope when single (if no immediately available fuck buddy)? If sex were a need the reason would also be irrelevant, whether it be illness, bereavement of partner etc. The second deprived partner would have every right to look elsewhere. For most people this is not marriage and, if for you it is, it has to be acceptable to both partners, not just one.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2019 12:41

It's not reasonable to trap someone in a sexless marriage making them feel humiliated and unloved and like the lowest wretch, while you jolly on happily enjoying your life. Don't marry them then.

So all the women on here who don’t feel like sex for some time after childbirth, or when they’re run ragged by small children, or hit the menopause and their libido drops - are trapping their partners into marriage and should never have got married?

formerbabe · 27/10/2019 12:47

So all the women on here who don’t feel like sex for some time after childbirth, or when they’re run ragged by small children, or hit the menopause and their libido drops

But in these cases, there's an explanation.

Of course, both men and women go through times where they don't always feel like it. Bereavement, stress, exhaustion, medical conditions. Obviously, one person saying 'not tonight dear' is not grounds to run off and shag the nearest willing person. But the ops husband was clearly not massively interested in a sexual relationship pre marriage (3 times a month is not a lot in a new relationship) and even less so now, with no indication as to why he is like that and no attempt to improve the situation despite the op telling him she is unhappy.

TequilaPilates · 27/10/2019 12:55

It could be any number of reasons - illness, depression, stress or a low sex drive that has gradually got worse due to another reason.

Doesn't mean that he intended for it to happen.

Chewysmum · 27/10/2019 13:13

I think that his refusal to even discuss the matter and the fact that he basically married you under false pretenses are extremely selfish. On the other hand, personally I wouldn't cheat on someone, but maybe only because I wouldn't get married in the first place (can't handle not being 100% in control of my life and independent lol). I think if put in your situation many people would and do look elsewhere for their needs.
I think morally, what you really need to do, is tell him the truth. And I don't mean approaching the issue of an open relationship then walking away when he cuts you off. I mean something like
"as you know, I've been very unhappy with the state of our sex life and your refusal to budge on the matter, I love you, I'm having sex with someone!". It may sound blunt, and it may end your marriage but you can't sneak around forever, eventually you will get caught and that would be much more destructive.
I hope you can work things out, it sounds like with some persevering the marriage could actually work, but you both need to change something

GummyGoddess · 27/10/2019 13:14

@larrygrylls it is a serious question. A luxury spa day isn't something that is essential for a relationship to work. If sex wasn't essential for a relationship then why do people cheat when their partner refuses to sleep with them?

Do you think it's fine to one day say to your partner that their sex life is over because you have decided that yours is? That's not fair, and if it was that unimportant why would you give a crap if he got it elsewhere?

larrygrylls · 27/10/2019 13:19

Former,

So why did she marry him? Marriage is not an a la carts menu where you can take the boys you like (nice house, companionship, financial security) and reject the bits you don’t (I.e faithfulness). (Unless you both agree, of course).

A lot of people seem to think it is ok to be unfaithful due to differing sex drives but not due to child birth, illness or various other reasons. This is hugely inconsistent (and, I suspect, sexist). Why would you need sex in one case more than the other? Either both partners have these sexual needs and, if they are not met, can look elsewhere, or they don’t.

larrygrylls · 27/10/2019 13:21

Gummy,

You have every right to say no more sex and they have every right to separate and then have as much sex as they please.

Simple!

I know it is not that simple and is tough on both partners, but far better than deceit, and more honourable.

formerbabe · 27/10/2019 13:36

So why did she marry him?

Sounds to me from what I've read, that she thought she could live with 3/4 times a month, whilst not ideal because she loved him...she was willing to compromise but but now it's even less. Quite duplicitous of him don't you think?

Branleuse · 27/10/2019 13:54

its not the equivalent of taking another woman on a spa day ffs. More equivalent to husband not liking spa days and therefore banning his wife from going on them.
Except with something more vital to most peoples emotional wellbeing than fuckin spa days

TequilaPilates · 27/10/2019 13:54

Quite duplicitous of him don't you think?.
Why's it duplicitous? He may well have got married with the full intention of carrying on their sex life as before marriage but something has now changed.

Maybe he's got ED or is under stress or is I'll or has got wind of the fact that his wife is shagging around and he now can't face having sex?

Branleuse · 27/10/2019 14:56

this is why I think monogamy shouldnt always be default. So many people just arent interested in sex, or cannot keep an interest up once the initial chase or lust has died down. Causes so many issues. Its something that should probably be agreed or negotiated because so many people just dont seem to be able to manage it, and probably shouldnt pretend they can.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2019 15:03

But in these cases, there's an explanation.

How do you know there’s not an explanation in this case? ED, loss of libido, stress at work... Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing it.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2019 15:04

Maybe he's got ED or is under stress or is I'll or has got wind of the fact that his wife is shagging around and he now can't face having sex?

Sorry I didn’t see this - quite.

GummyGoddess · 27/10/2019 15:57

@larrygrylls Yes, but in this case he's decided his sex life is over and wants hers to be too as he wants to remain in a sexless marriage.

I guess we'll agree to disagree, I think they're both acting dishonourably but he is worse and I can't blame op for her actions.

TatianaLarina · 27/10/2019 17:21

You have no idea what he’s decided as he hasn’t opened up about what’s going on for him.