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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to feel guilty sleeping with other men because my DH won’t

410 replies

DianaMitfordM · 25/10/2019 03:13

Just that really.

We’ve been married 2 years. Both early 40s.

Right up until our wedding we had sex 3/4 times a month.

Then it dwindled to once every other month or so.

I have a strong sex drive. He prefers cuddles. I’ve been in tears because of our rubbish sex life but I love him and everything else is amazing. We are a fantastic couple - except for an incompatible sex drive.

I warned him when things dwindled that I cannot live without regular sex. He acknowledged this. But nothing changed.

I’m now sleeping with an old FWB.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LannisterLion1 · 25/10/2019 08:08

You are both being unreasonable and selfish.

Him for refusing to discuss and engage with you about this.

You for cheating and refusing to be honest as you know, deep down, the relationship will end.

You can deny it as you did in previous posts but you do have a communication issue. He shuts down and buries his head. You refuse to force the discussion by saying 'our relationship isn't working. We are barely having sex and you refuse to acknowledge how i feel and discuss it. I will look elsewhere if you keep refusing to discuss this.'

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 08:09

The thing is there's often times in marriages when sex will be less frequent...child birth, illness, exhaustion, stress.. but this doesn't sound like that kind of situation. Even prior to the marriage, 3 times a month isn't often, it sounds to me like he forced himself to even do that, but now they're married, he doesn't even have to bother anymore. To me, it seems quite duplicitous of him. Anyway, you're fundamentally incompatible.

Schwibble · 25/10/2019 08:09

YABU and your marriage is a sham. Either leave him or buy a Rabbit ffs.Biscuit

feelingverylazytoday · 25/10/2019 08:10

Why are you asking us?
The only person you should be asking is your husband, so that he can decide whether he wants to stay married under those conditions. Until you do that you're just like any other cheat really.

Thatsenoughjuststopit · 25/10/2019 08:11

The only thing that doesn't work between us is sex.

If it was really an only then it won't matter truth is that the sex is clearly out ranking the rest of the wonderful things about him and this is a problem.
If it was just an in only it maybe possible to continue but it's clearly causing you to cheat now this makes you unreasonable as why would you do that to someone so wonderful. He clearly knows it's an issue and is maybe shutting down these suggestions of an open relationship because the thought of it would tear him apart.

There is a solution, accepted that the only way you can have sex and have a relationship with this wonderful man is to seek counseling with a view to splitting up. You enter a more compatible relationship as can he.
Im him in my marriage the sex is an only for us and we are making it work well but this can only work if the other stuff means just as much or more even and certainly doesn't work for everyone.

formerbabe · 25/10/2019 08:12

Was he married previously op? Or in a long term relationship prior to meeting you? If so, it would be very interesting to know why that broke down?

IdblowJonSnow · 25/10/2019 08:13

I see your point and understand OP but you should tell him I think. Hope you've been practising safe sex.
Can this continue long term together like this? Ultimately you're incompatible.
Do you want kids?

SophieSong · 25/10/2019 08:15

I understand where you are coming from and why you are choosing to do this. But, regardless of whether this is morally right or wrong, is this the sort of situation either of you can continue in for long and be happy?

Can you continue to lie to him about getting sex elsewhere long term? Can he continue to turn a blind eye since it sounds like he has a bit of an idea this is going on from what you have said?

Even if he doesn't know, surely at some point he'll find out or you will tell him. Won't it be worse the longer it has been going on?

And, even if he accepts you taking a lover - can that work long term for you? Can you be happy getting sex only from one person and a relationship but no sex/little sex with your husband?

PotteringAlong · 25/10/2019 08:15

You need to tell your DH and leave.

larrygrylls · 25/10/2019 08:16

YABU,

Firstly, you are cheating. If you really felt it was a reasonable solution, you would tell your husband you were shagging someone else.

In the real world, you may get away with it, you may not. The cost if it ends in a messy divorce (and it will be messy) will be immense to you and your children (if you have them).

Your subtext is you want the comfortable lifestyle and a housemate who pays (at least) half the bills and exciting sex elsewhere. A sex companion is not like a tennis opponent to most people. Generally, it is is incompatible with sustaining a marriage.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 08:16

Yes I am free to leave. But literally the only thing that doesn’t work between us is sex.

But sex is literally really important to you so is a good enough reason to leave Hmm.

Tell him you have been having sex with someone else outright, see if he wants a divorce or not. The ‘we never have sex so I was forced to cheat’ excuse is trotted out by sleaze ball men all of the time, I wouldn’t expect a woman to also say it...

Notallitseemstobe · 25/10/2019 08:18

I'm having an affair, started for similar reasons.

Its given me back the excitement and intimacy I needed in my life, but life is never simple and I'm in love with my affair partner as its gone far beyond just sex.

Knowing you should leave is far easier than actually doing it.

Gazelda · 25/10/2019 08:20

Your DH is being selfish. He is being unloving. He is taking you for granted. He is damaging your marriage.

But you are cheating. Not only in the act of sex, but also with the secrets, lies, deceit etc of arranging rendezvous with your FWB. You are potentially putting your DH at risk of STD. You are damaging your marriage.

I think that your behaviour is far worse than his.

Achangeisadgoodasarest · 25/10/2019 08:20

You say you don’t want to end the marriage OP, but since you’re shagging someone else, the marriage is already over. Just the paperwork left to do now!

Up to you how long you want to drag the next bit out for really.

Mammylamb · 25/10/2019 08:22

Honestly, get out before you have any kids. It’s a lot easier to separate when there are no kids to consider.

Living without sex isn’t great: so I can completely understand why you are doing what you do, but I think your best answer is to separate and stay friends

Monsterinmyshoe · 25/10/2019 08:23

I'm guessing this is a fake post?

Was gonna write a full response, but fed up of these posts. I'm not wasting my time.

namechange122222 · 25/10/2019 08:26

DH basically only wants sex when he feels like it which is maybe every other month.

But, on the other hand, he is a very good partner in that he is kind and generous, considerate and loving.

My ex was also completely uninterested in sex and would not discuss it. I went through years like that - feeling undesired and unloved. And he had no other redeeming features - at least in my regard (I used to walk on eggshells around him and he used to dish out the silent treatment for weeks and weeks on end).

So now we are divorced. I will probably never have sex again, but that’s far preferable to being in a “relationship” and feeling so unwanted.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 25/10/2019 08:26

YANBU OP.

I am getting married next year to a man i love dearly, a man who treats me well, is funny, generous and loving. But, we don't really have a sex life. He knows i am polyamorous and aside to that i have a really high sex drive. We aren't compatible sexually, though it's good when it does happen. So i have taken a lover. Or two. And it works for us.

You need to do what makes you happy. If you feel that by taking a lover you can stay in your marraige then do it.

Notajogger · 25/10/2019 08:27

Firstly, you are cheating. If you really felt it was a reasonable solution, you would tell your husband you were shagging someone else.

True. Why would you even be on here if you thought your behaviour was reasonable? Clearly it's not and you are cheating on this man you say you love and have a great relationship with - those things can't be true (not compared to a normal relationship, at least) as surely someone madly in love with their spouse wouldn't even be able to contemplate cheating (yes, even with a lack of sex).

Mrsmememe · 25/10/2019 08:27

It’s pretty simple.
Have the make or break chat with your husband and explain why you are doing what you are doing.
He may well end the marriage due to your cheating.
Either way you seem in denial about the relationship. There’s no way it’s so great in every other way or you wouldn’t be cheating.

Notallitseemstobe · 25/10/2019 08:29

The sexual health comments make me laugh, like somehow just because you are having an affair your commonsense disappeared.

You both get tested, as you would in any relationship, and then you can have sex without condoms.

Morley19 · 25/10/2019 08:33

Of course you are being unreasonable!

No you are not expected to live in a sexless marriage but you are expected to be honest with your husband!

He has been honest with you about his sex drive and preferring cuddels. Don't you think he deserves the same honesty?

If you can't be honest and come to some sort of agreement about how this marriage will work, I think it will all end in disaster

Morley19 · 25/10/2019 08:33

'cuddles' even!

Serin · 25/10/2019 08:36

Could your DH be getting it somewhere else?

Xalia · 25/10/2019 08:37

What happens to single people who don't have sex?

They don't feel rejected night after night after night, by their loved one sleeping right next to them.

OP, I had 20 years (stupidly) of this. It will gradually crush you and can cause mental breakdown, depression, soul destroying, diminished self confidence, all sorts of problems.

It distorts your view of your own sexuality. I remember feeling surprised and confused if another man made a pass (even jokingly).
I had literally forgotten I was an attractive young woman.

The excuse to you at the moment is that he's heading towards middle age. In a year or so there'll be another excuse. Then another and another.

The sex will stretch to 3 months, then 6 and so on. We had one child, that's why I stuck it out.

I put tons of weight on from comfort eating, that was then used as another excuse "he didn't fancy it because I was too fat"

I had an affair in the final 2 years of my 20 year marriage. Satisfying and exciting but not much more.

I feel you should suggest sex counselling and /or a visit to GP. If he thinks enough of you, he will agree. Mine didn't and I finally left.

I later met my lovely dh and had two more children.

If you don't take this advice, at least remember my words as time passes and you will recognise them in yourself.

Please don't waste years of your life like I did.