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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

289 replies

Myheadisamess31 · 24/10/2019 12:33

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

OP posts:
AnathemaPulsifer · 24/10/2019 12:37

I think you should go to the police and tell your friend. It’s not you hurting her, it’s her partner.

recrudescence · 24/10/2019 12:41

Your husband is right, you must go to the police. Deal with speaking to your friend when you are ready.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens · 24/10/2019 12:43

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Flowers I agree with the pp, you should report him to the police.

As regards your friend, unfortunately there's never going to be a 'good time' for her to find out about this. If her father is terminally ill, then she will have a bereavement to cope with sooner or later - she might be affected by her father's situation for months, if not years. She shouldn't be in a relationship with an abuser like this, and the longer she is with him before finding out (because she will find out eventually) the harder it will be for her to extricate herself.

Flynnshine · 24/10/2019 12:43

I would be extremely concerned for her safety OP. She may not be confiding in you if he has previous for this kind of behaviour.
If you report this to the police you could well be saving her.

clickymad · 24/10/2019 12:43

You need to go to the police. And tell her.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 24/10/2019 12:44

Darling you have to tell the police. I think it’s sexual assault.

Sure it’s all for the greater good of society to make sure a bad man is punished and for her in the long run to be protected for investing her life in a wrong un but I think you sound ready to go through the process so you need to do this for you.

This situation would tear any right-thinking person apart and I’m so sorry this happened to you, you must’ve been scared fucking rigid. But whatever the conquences of reporting this guy to the police are on her its not your fault.

I would tell her what happened. To be blindsided with something this heavy would be awful for her. But you need to accept that by sharing the truth of what happened she is likely to turn against you at least in the immediate term as - to her - you are bringing misery to her door at an awful time.

But again - it’s not your fault, you did nothing to deserve that, it’s NOT your fault.

FYI, when dealing with difficult shit like this write it down in bullet points. Even if it comes out as a robotic list you’ve covered everything she and the police need to know.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 24/10/2019 12:45

@Myheadisamess31 I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I completely understand that you don't want to add to your friend's burdens at this time. Maybe it would help if you could reframe your thoughts; rather than thinking that reporting him will hurt your friend, try to think that, in the long run, it will almost certainly protect her.

He's a violent man. You had to find that out in the most horrific way. If you have the strength, please don't let your friend have to find out that way too.

Thinking of you and so glad that you have the support of your DH Flowers

WooomanMoomin · 24/10/2019 12:46

Your DH is right, you need to report it and tell your friend about it. Definitely tell her how it affected you mentally.
Her ‘D’P is relying on you not to mention it and he will ruin your friendship eventually if you won’t tell her. However, if you will, there’s a chance she will dump him and stay friends with you.

Sunflowersok · 24/10/2019 12:47

My word that’s one of the most horrific things I’ve read on here. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Three things -

  1. Please make sure you look after yourself and give yourself lots of love and kindness to get over your ordeal. Some people are absolute pigs, it’s not your fault.
  1. You need to go to the police 100%. This is a serious assault and him not being pulled up about it can make him strike again. Up to now he thinks he has gotten away with his actions.
  1. Your friend needs to know. She needs to get away from that horrible man and you kind of have a responsibility here to keep her safe from him.

I’m so sorry OP. Be brave

londonrach · 24/10/2019 12:47

Tell thr police op. Sounds like you a lovely dh. Your friend might need protection from this horrible man

Flynnshine · 24/10/2019 12:49

@Sunflowersok has it in a nutshell here.
If your friend is very fragile mentally can you imagine how he might be treating her behind the scenes? It doesn't bear thinking about. I hope you can find the strength to report this. I really do. He should not get away with this.

Minorityreports · 24/10/2019 12:50

Are you willing to go through a court case? That would be my main concern.

landgirl1 · 24/10/2019 12:50

Other posters have put it better but the only way to protect your friend is to go to the police, your OH sounds fantastic but you need to get some proper support too - my experience is that no matter how hard you suppress it, the shock of what happened will catch up with you at some point so don’t let it fester

GettingABitDesperateNow · 24/10/2019 12:52

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I normally am not a fan of telling the police as I dont think much comes of it but in this case, you have a witness which will help, and I think it sounds like you need to, for you. Plus this was definitely not a case of misreading signals, there were no blurred lines, he violently attacked you after you clearly said no, and I would be very very surprised if he hadn't done something similar before.

I can see where you are coming from with your friend but lying to her about her violent rapist partner isn't going to help her in the long term. Neither is avoiding her which is what is going to happen if you don't tell her. I would go to the police and then tell her afterwards

savethebeestoday · 24/10/2019 12:53

He tried to rape you. He may have done this to other women. He may do this to your friend. He will do this again.

By not reporting him you are allowing him to get away with it, you are saying it's okay.

Yes your friend has current and past problems, but this cannot be the reason you do not report this disgusting man. If he is capable of doing this when your partner is in the house he is capable of doing a lot worse when alone with a women.

Please report him. What if your friend breaks up with him, you ask why, and she says 'He raped someone'. That is a rape you can stop. This man will do this again to someone else.

NoCauseRebel · 24/10/2019 12:53

Tell the police. Flowers remember this is not your fault. None of it was your fault and you don’t owe it to anyone to keep quiet about this.

Given the severity of the attack it’s highly likely that you’re not the first. And your friend may be hurt now but there’s a good chance that she will become a victim in the future if she isn’t one already.

As for your DH hitting the bloke. Good. I know that’s not a popular opinion but sometimes this is the only kind of language these animals understand. But still do go to the police. Flowers

elfycat · 24/10/2019 12:54

I'm so sorry you've had to experience that.

You must call the police. He didn't just become a sexual predator on that occasion and he won't be a one off. Perhaps your friend doesn't see this side of him, but I'm sure someone has.

Yes there are consequences to you doing this, but telling the truth and reporting stuff like this is never the wrong thing to do. I'll be sorry if your friend suffers but that's no reason to let a criminal get away with violent criminal behaviour. It will not be your fault, it's ABSOLUTELY his fault.

Get a drink and give yourself half an hour. At (say) 12.30 you pick up the phone and call 101 and take it from there.

PlanningApplication · 24/10/2019 12:56

Tell the police and tell your friend. There's no doubt that this is the right thing to do. Other women need to be protected from this abuser and your friend needs to know - imagine if she had DCs with him?? I repeat what other PPS have said:

1 This is not your fault
2 There's no other course of action other than report and tell your friend.

Honestly, I'd report him first because you can tell your friend it's a done deal and there will be no attempts to talk you out of it

DowntownAbby · 24/10/2019 12:57

You must report it, OP.

What could have happened had your DH not been there??

It doesn't bear thinking about...

Hollachica · 24/10/2019 12:57

You need to go to the police & you need to tell her.
You know you do.
Every moment you leave it you put her in danger.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/10/2019 12:58

OP if she is any sort of friend who loves you she will brush aside her own feelings and want and need to be there for you...Yes she will be devastated its natural but you can support each other.It seems this person who attacked you has hurt not only you but your husband and her too....I am so so sorry you are having to go through this ordeal.Like people have said you do need to report this because it could so easily happen to anyone else and it needs stopping.I wish you well and hope you find peace again,

LeftoverPizza · 24/10/2019 12:59

You have to report it OP, if you DH hadn’t been there god knows what would’ve happened. This isn’t your fault, you aren’t hurting your friend. He’s the one who’s done something wrong.

RightYesButNo · 24/10/2019 12:59

I’m so sorry this has happened to you; it’s just horrific. Like so many others, I agree with your DH. You need to tell the police first, and then you need to talk to your friend (the police first so that she doesn’t go straight to her ‘D’P and give him warning that the police may be coming). I’m afraid there may be a very high chance that she could be in danger from him or some other woman could, or probably already has been. It’s horrible that it happens at a delicate time in her life BUT he may also be with her because she’s at a delicate time, targeting someone he thinks is vulnerable right now. And while I completely understand that your trauma and healing needs to come first, if you can make yourself go to the police with the support of your DH, I think it would definitely be the right thing to do - for yourself, for your friend. And most likely for more women he’ll try that shit on with in the past and future. The fact it sounds like he was so fast and cavalier about it really sounds like he wasn’t 1) sorry and 2) inexperienced.

Also... I suspect the fact you’ve taken pictures of the bruises and bite marks to try to provide some form of proof is because you know you need to go to the police and your friend (if you can).

Your DH sounds like he’s great and will be with you every step of the way, so I would lean on him as much as you need to right now, and then maybe consider therapy. You’ve been through a HUGE shock, and you don’t know how you’re going to feel in a month or two months or six months, and that’s okay. There are therapists who specialize in helping people navigate situations like this.

LaLoba · 24/10/2019 13:01

OP, if you don’t tell her, the alternative is her wondering why her good friend has ghosted her. Neither you nor your husband are going to want to be in the same room as her husband again, quite rightly.
She needs to know, I’m so sorry that you have to go through this on top of the attack itself.

Elisheva · 24/10/2019 13:04

You poor, poor thing. What an awful thing to happen to you.
I think you must report it because I would be prepared to bet that he will try and break up your friendship in some way in order to protect himself and discredit you, just in case you decide to tell her at some point.
You have done nothing wrong. Whatever happens is his fault and his responsibility alone.