Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

Too true, 18 months in and still going through the mill of even getting mine passed to the CPS. Ridiculous.

Again thank you all very much for the kind replies.

I have spoken to a crisis team to get some advice and i am seeing someone tomorrow to take a statement. I am then going away until sunday for a much needed break to decide what to do from there.

Most of wants to report him to the police but a lot of me is to scared to go through the shame the questioning the accusations. I know 100% what happened and so does he but the thought of having to go over and over it again for months possibly terrifies me.

Someone suggested my DH talks to my friend and i like that idea because i don't currently feel strong enough to do it. Maybe it coming from him as a witness will be best.

I am so torn of what to do i really am. I feel like a complete failure all around and for some ridiculous reason i feel this huge amount of guilt. I constantly feel on edge my nerves are shot.

My hair stood on end and my blood ran cold when a PP said if he had the nerve to do that to me in my own home with my DH upstairs what would he do to a lone woman. It made me shudder.

Tonight had been another night of complete numbness tears and frustration. I don't sleep much at the minute apart from nodding off i then wake up feeling ok until the reality of what happened hits again.

When will this stop? When will i feel better and able to cope? I hate even being in my own home at the minute. My safe happy place no longer feels safe and happy it feels violated.

My DH once again has been my rock he has booked tomorrow and Monday off work which i am so grateful for. I am so glad i won't be alone for the next few days and i am glad i won't be in my home

That sounds like a frenzied attack to me, and the biting 😕 wasn't it Ted Bundy who used to bite his victims? I think this man is very dangerous and I really hope you report him. xx

The guilt is normal, I mean it’s wrong but it’s normal, it’s shock and the weirdness of the “did this actually happen, was it my fault”. It’s awful but it happens.

The best thing someone said to me at the time was “when you are walking through hell, keep walking”.

The sooner you can get back to “normal” life the better, back to work, friends, family, shopping, just “normal”.

Set your mind that he gets that moment in time from you and NOTHING ELSE. He doesn’t get to take who you are or your happiness or your security.

Ultimately it was one moment in time, one physical action in a very long life. You stand up and do what needs to be done now.

Get angry, you aren’t a victim, you are you.

And talk about it, here, to others, this isn’t a shame on you, the more you talk the more you own the story, it’s yours to tell, fuck him and fuck shame.

Your DH is amazing, you are too.

Oh my gosh, OP, you poor woman.
This will get better but I think you need a bit more support now.
Speak to your GP, they can put you in contact with local support. People tend not to want to take sleeping pills etc but they can be a good option in the short term to give you the space you need to start to process it all.
Your DH should also think about getting some advice about how best to help you and also about looking after himself so he can continue to offer you the amazing support.
I hate the name Rape Crisis but they have brilliant resources, including a very helpful website. Again, best of luck, OP. You and DH sound amazing.

Well said, Brass, I think you're pretty amazing, too.

How terrible OP .

I'd also go with your DH telling your friend. She needs to know the man she's dating is extremely dangerous.

How awful, I'm so sorry for you OP.

Aside from the sexual side of this, the bite alone actually is GBH. Take photos ASAP and contact the police. Just think what this man might have done your friend and you just weren't aware. I agree it's a traumatic time for her but this is too important to not report formally and therefore she definitely needs to know.

to you, I hope you're as okay as you can be, given the circumstances.

So sorry , you do realise that this is NOT your fault.
He is wicked , be kind to yourself and get as much support as possible

You haven't done anything wrong here - it's his fault, you're not making anything worse, he chose to attack you,

Oh OP, I don't have any advice for you as I think everything has been said but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you've been through something so horrible he is a truly depraved person.

I hope you've got lots of support around you, do not hesitate to seek counselling/see your GP if you need to. And keep talking here, everyone is on your side ♥️

Bloody hell OP you poor thing. This man is a monster and there is no way he’s never done this before- what an angry vile thug- if your DH hadn’t heard you he could have killed you. Is it Claire’s Law where the police will reveal his history? I’d be surprised if he’s not got a record for violence. Speak up and save your friend for he could well kill someone he’s in a relationship with if she upsets him- you are almost a stranger and look what he’s done to you in a completely unromantic/emotional scenario, you all need This Man out of your lives

Omg Op, she needs to know this, is he abusing her? You need to report this to the police the longer you leave it the harder it’ll get as you’ll have to explain to the police why you left it so long x

If you write your own statement/account, you will still need a statement written with the police too. I'd wait for the police to come and take one. Just a heads up, people are often shocked/understandably annoyed at having to relive something traumatic twice. Not sure if it's all forces mind, but was the case in the Met a couple of years ago.

Hope you're ok lovely. It will get easier with time. Sounds like you have a lovely DP, just be kind to yourself.

*as people

I'm late to the thread but I think it would be sensible to have an appointment with your GP, firstly to look at the bites, if the skin is broken you may need a tetanus and further testing? Unfortunately the mouth is full of germs and you need to be very careful if the skin has broken.

Secondly you have been through a terrible shock, perhaps they could refer you for some counselling support or even offer you something short term to let you get a good night sleep and begin to heal from this.

Sounds like you have an excellent supportive husband and a bit of time away from your house sounds like a great idea.

No words OP.
Just my best wishes and sending you strength and thoughts of life getting better from this point in time ❤️

So sorry this has happened to you. I agree that this man has almost certainly done this before. He probably targeted your friend because of her vulnerability. People like this sense and exploit vulnerability in others. He may well be abusing her already.

Try not to think beyond reporting it. The only thing in your power is to report it - which is undoubtedly the right thing to do. After that it is out of your control and not your responsibility. He did this, not you. What will happen will happen but you will have done the right thing.

OP @Myheadisamess31 goingto the Police is your choice and yours only. Reporting it to the authorities has to be YOUR choice, but please rest assured the Police will not accuse you of anything and WILL believe you. They will be led by you about how far you want to take it.

What I will say is if your friend hasn't done it, she needs a Claire's Law disclosure. You can request this on her behalf, go to the Police, say she's met a new partner and you want to protect her. They will take his details and contact her if she needs a disclosure about his past. You won't need to give any reason for requesting this so if you choose not to report your assault they will still run the Claire's Law check.

This is how it works (it's Thames Valley but all forces follow the same protocol)

www.thamesvalley.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/af/clares-law/

I've also sent you a quick PM x

@ChangeAndThenChange, I’m sure you mean well but no she will not have to explain why she waited to tell the police. The police and other agencies are trained to know that it is normal for people traumatised by sexual and violent assault to experience a range of emotions that make it difficult to approach the police, often for years, if at all.

Please do see a doctor if only to get your injuries seen to and record that you have been sexually assaulted. Nobody can force you into going to the police, not even a doctor. Having your injuries on medical record will be very helpful should you choose to press charges. For the most part it should be all about your own wellbeing and to make sure he hasn't given you anything awful. 🌺

You are still in shock OP. No one can really say how long is will take to overcome this as I think in reality it becomes a part of you. The raw emotions will fade of course, you will smile, laugh and be happy again. But it will be a new normal. Sadly the life that you had before this will not come back fully.
I’m not trying to put a downer on it. You can and will go on to live a happy life, myself and others who have been through similar sexual attacks manage to find a new path.

Although guilt is a natural reaction, you must tell yourself that you have nothing to feel guilty for. You invited this person into your life because you trusted him and were friends with him. You were not to know that his motives would shift especially with your husband close by.

I know it’s very early days and I don’t think you should make any big decisions right now but you do have the option of moving if you decide the house is not where you feel safe anymore. You have every right to be able to feel safe in your own house. For less drastic measures, you and your husband can look at decorating and refurbishing the room that it happened in, this could give you something to take your mind off what happened for a while.

You could also look at enrolling in a self defence class, this will help with how you feel at the moment.
Obviously these are suggestions for some time in the future. For now you need to focus on taking care of yourself.

Thank you so much for your messages ❤

@Merename no not at all I hope I haven’t caused offence I only said this as I have been in a similar situation x

Op, I must state it took me years to report mine to the police but they believed me 100% x