Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

Report him.
Go talk to your friend.
She has lots going on but being at risk of a violent man needs stopping today.

So glad your husband is being supportive.

My first thought on hearing dh fell asleep in the toilet was was his drink spiked?

You need to tell the police for your safety and hers. I think it will help you get through this trauma as well, if you are taking action. How many other women has he done this to?

As I see it, this man tried to rape you.
As much as I love my closest friends if any of their partners or husbands tried to do that to me I would not hesitate. I would report it to the police.

For all you know he is doing this to her or other women. He most likely had or is. That sense of entitlement and rage and lack of control didn’t just strike there and then did it?

I hope that in time you recover from this ordeal, and like others am just relieved for you that your husband woke up and was there to protect you.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you.
I’m in complete agreement with other posters here in that you must tell the police and your friend. I fully appreciate that you don’t want to heap more misery on your friend but she may well need protecting herself. Her partner may well have behaved like this before and chances are he may do it again to someone else.
Thank goodness that you have a loving partner to support you through this.
All good wishes to you. 💐

I am so sorry you’re facing this. She is fragile now. Imagine how her mental health would be if he bit her breast then raped her or worse. I agree with others, he needs reporting.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You need to draw all your strength to sort this - you can't let your friend live with a violent man/potential rapist.

Awful thing to happen OP.

I would go to the police asap so they can gather evidence & while it's fresh in your mind, you can then decide if you want to press chargers & follow the advise of the police - he may well have done this before & may be doing this to your friend

What would have happened if your DH had not woken up, were would it have ended ?

You will be protecting your friend from walking into an abusive relationship, by reporting this, OP. Please please tell the police, but wait until they’ve lifted him before you tell her. You don’t want to give the dirty bastard a chance to do a runner. I’m so sorry you’ve went through this. It’s possible she suspects something else has happened to him, such as a fight and that’s why she’s phoned you.

You have to tell your friend Lovely.
What if he hurts her like he hurt you and she’s too afraid to tell anyone? This might be what she needs to open up to you.
What if he hurts her in the future and you could have warned her?
Look after yourself darling x

You need to tell her. The only way the friendship survives is if you tell her. Timing is awful, but it needs to be done immediately.

I’ll be honest and say that I personally would. Not contact the police at this point. The reporting delay makes the oddS of a conviction go down, which for me personally, influences if it is worth the stress of reporting.

You worry her mental health won't take it? These things don't just go away. Think of the man your husband is for you, at this, your point of vulnerability. Now think of the man her husband is likely to be to her when her father dies, at her point of vulnerability.
I know you want to protect her, but there isn't a scenario here where there is no impact. The fallout here is of his causing, his fault, his blame, his consequence. Not for you darling, not for you to manage, to hide, to cushion, to delay.
I think I and other posters are confirming what you already know you need, and want, to do. Protect yourself first, and if you and your friend need and want to support each other in the future, or not, deal with that possibility second, as it comes. One step at a time.

We're with you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your husband is right,you need to go to the police and then tell her. It will be worse for her to find out months down the line,and whilst your hesitancy is coming from a good place it will do more harm than good to brush this under the rug.

I'm so sorry this happened to you
Get your friend over and tell her what happened. It will be incredibly difficult for you both and you need to be prepared for her to react in ways you wouldn't expect whilst she's processing what her 'D' P did to you but you can't continue to avoid her, or to live a lie - you both deserve better.

@Myheadisamess31

By telling her and the police, you might just be saving her life.

He’s clearly a monster underneath, waiting.....

He attempted to rape you and he actually did sexually assault you. Thank heavens for your husband, who knows what could have happened had he not been there.

You definitely need to report this and your friend has a right to know the guy she is dating is a rapist. He has probably done this to other women.

Oh how terrifying. I can see how you’re trying to protect her And she’s already vulnerable emotionally but ultimately she’s most likely in a lot of danger. He knows what he’s done too remember, so will be very on edge and potentially explosive. He’s knows he’s sitting on a ticking time bomb.
Do tell her, now, but think carefully about the best way of telling her and how to support her in the aftermath.

report it. Arent you worried that he has a banged up face and could possible accuse your dh of something??
Are you willing to let this slide so he can try this on with someone else. Your friend of 30years needs to know who she is with.

You need to report the assault. Chances are he has done it before and police might even know of him. You also need to let your friend know what a monster her partner is. Heaven forbid she gets pregnant by him. She needs to get away from him now. Get some counselling for yourself. He is a sick individual and needs to be accountable for his actions.

OP, I'm so sorry this happened to you, I can't imagine how scary that must have been.

I do agree with your husband, this man is dangerous and he needs reporting.

Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home.

Did she sound like she believed that? Could she have been trying to get to the bottom of what really happened with him by opening the conversation up with you? I feel quite concerned for her safety, too.

Also, you say he bit your breast? Did it leave a mark, or is it still marked now? That's pretty good evidence if you wish to report him.

Sounds like your husband is very supportive, I'm glad you have that. Take things easy, do what's best for you.

You need to tell her. And go to the police.

You could be saving another woman from another savage attack. Your friend might be being attacked in a similar was regularly too :(

So sorry this happened I bet you was so scared :(

Thank goodness your DH woke up.

I know you want to protect your friend and the timing is awful but think about this, he is capable of reacting like that when told no, which is going to hurt your friend more? you reporting it now or her finding out what he is capable of the hard way? she hasn't got a DH upstairs to save her. It sounds like you already want to report him for you and your friends feelings are all that is holding you back, in the long run you aren't saving her feelings, at some point she will say no to him or he will attack someone else and the timing could be even worse than it is now.

This is a shocking and appalling attack you must report him
if he gets away with this he will escalate
This man is dangerous
I'm so sorry for what you've been through 💐

The thing is you think you are protecting her and her mental health but you are not.
He will try this on with someone else who might not keep quiet and then what? You cant reveal this then because what friend does that make you from hiding it from her. Or worse to her, leaving her in danger with someone like him.

You need to tell the police and her.

There is a chance she won't believe you, but if he ever tries anything like this with her at least it is on record that he has done this sort of thing before.

He is a dangerous man.

He bit you? That's a seriously violent attack! I've been bitten by my kids before, and it is horrific. If he thinks that that is in any way part of normal sexual behaviour, then you are doing your friend a favour by reporting him.

And that's on top of the fact that he also tried to sexually assault you. You need to report that for you. No matter what your friend is going through, you are still important, and this deserves to be exposed and dealt with.