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AIBU?

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Original poster

Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

289 replies

Myheadisamess31 · 24/10/2019 12:33

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

OP posts:
Tvstar · 22/11/2019 07:40

Just seen this thread is a month old

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 22/11/2019 08:41

I am meeting with friend sunday to talk through things. I have told her i want to report him she said she doesn't blame me.

I can imagine she has all sorts of stuff going on in her head this morning which i feel awful about but it really did need to come out.

I definitely think he's abused her in some way because of how she reacted during the conversation.

Thank you for you're continued support ❤

OP posts:
Motoko · 22/11/2019 10:12

You know, with her saying she doesn't blame you for wanting to report it, I'm wondering if she's hoping you will. Perhaps she wants to leave the relationship but is worrying that people will try to persuade her to stay with him, because on the outside, everything looks rosy. However, if he's reported for attempting to rape you, she's got a cast iron reason to leave him.

Worth thinking about.

SleightOfMind · 22/11/2019 10:13

I’m so pleased for you that this is finally out in the open and your friend has immediately put her relationship with you above this bastard.
Although she might be feeling awful now, the longer this went on, the worse it would be for her.
Well done for telling her, sounds like she had an inkling that he wasn’t Mr Perfect anyway.

Weenurse · 23/11/2019 05:37

💐 good luck reporting this

MyRaGaiaStarFishPieA · 23/11/2019 21:11

Good for you op!!!

ittakes2 · 24/11/2019 02:33

I am sorry this happened to you. He violently attacked you - you need to tell her for her own safety. If he could do it to you there is no reason why he couldn’t do it to her. You need to pl protect her from him.

Hagbeth · 24/11/2019 10:41

If they bring him in and tops him they may find out he committed other sexual offences.

DaphneduWarrior · 24/11/2019 15:14

I've read the whole thread OP - just wanted to say that I think you're doing brilliantly. You've asked for help. You've told your friend. And even in the middle of all of your pain, you're thinking about her pain too.

Apologies if this has already been suggested, but are you having any counselling or ongoing support? It sounds from your posts that people's messages on here were helpful to you - and I wondered if talking to someone neutral and supportive in real life would help too.

Wishing you - and your friend - all the best in getting through this Flowers

WellVersedInEtiquette · 24/11/2019 22:32

How has it gone? Hope you're ok.

Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 26/11/2019 20:33

Haven't spoken to friend since last Thursday night other than a couple of texts she's ignored my calls, she has though updated her Instagram with a lovely pic of her and rapist both laughing sticking their fingers up 🙄

I feel f**king livid maybe hurt angry confused I'm not sure what i feel. I absolutely broke my heart telling her last week and i was nothing but honest.

I don't have FB but DH does and says the pic isn't on there so obviously aimed at me.

Anyway like i say i don't have FB but DH has told me tonight he's been doing some digging into him and has spoken to her ex (there are pics of him and his ex still on his FB pictures and either he's tagged her or she's tagged him in them so her name is there)

DH contacted her which really made me even more angry to begin with but last week she sent him pictures of injuries including BITE MARKS she recieved off him during their relationship!! She has also told my DH the other woman he has been messaging behind my friends back is her very good friend.

Unfortunately the ex did not report his abuse to the police and feels like she wouldn't be taken seriously now even if she did as they split up 2.5 years ago. DH has basically suggested we go together.

My friend has messaged me tonight
Hey babes u ok, u having a good day

I feel like putting back fuck you and fuck that rapist twat of a boyfriend of yours. I actually just about managed to ignore the text.

Feel like screaming and kicking the living shit out of him 😩 seeing his vile smug face has made my blood boil.

Please please please talk me down from all these crazy angry feelings I'm having 😭 i don't want to lower myself or doing anything i will regret

OP posts:
Original poster
Myheadisamess31 · 26/11/2019 20:35

The sunday meet didn't happen she text with an excuse by the way.

I feel like commenting on her picture you won't be laughing much longer when me and (ex name) report you to the police you vile bastard then lots of laughing faces. Obviously I'm not going to but it's taking every bit of self control not to. I hate that creature so much

OP posts:
Doman · 26/11/2019 20:56

OP I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time of it.

It's possible that the Instagram post was not aimed at you. It's also possible that she is playing along with her boyfriend to protect herself. From your own experience and from what the ex has told you, this man is extremely dangerous.

My advice to you would be to take advantage of the ongoing support from your loved ones. They can 'talk you down' as you put it. I echo everyone who says that you should go to the police if you can.

Stay strong Thanks

TheTrollFairy · 26/11/2019 21:11

That’s really shit OP.
Definitely report him to the police and I hope the ex can also do it. She has photos of the injuries he did to her. The police might be able to match the teeth marks to the ones in your photos which shows he has a long history of abusing women.

Just remember RE your friend, if he is abusing her then it won’t all be easy for her at home and you don’t know if she is trying to get away. The photo is a bit of a stab though

Lolacat1234 · 26/11/2019 21:33

You need to tell her. This man is dangerous obviously and he could attack her the way he attacked you.

tensmum1964 · 26/11/2019 22:04

Sadly you may have to face the fact that your friend is standing by him and cut her out of your life so that you can move forward and report him. She will only be an added complication of you worry about how all of this affects her. Given the instagram post I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't in on her text to you and they are both playing games.

testingtesting111 · 26/11/2019 22:26

She isn't your friend. I get that she is probably in an abusive relationship but you can't "save" her. She'll probably keep you on side a little bit in an attempt to get you not to report to the police.

Block her and going forward do what is best for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Ariela · 26/11/2019 22:36

I am concerned for your friend's safety. He is clearly manipulating her (migraine when she doesn't have one?), and from what you say of her reactions has obviously hurt her too. Did she put the photo up, or was he making her put the photo up?
Definitely report him - and do see if you can chat to her and let her know you'll be there for her if she needs to get away from him.

PinkBalloon123 · 27/11/2019 06:18

I'm sorry mate but your 'friend' is a total bitch. Your husband sounds amazing x

Chipsahoy · 27/11/2019 10:05

My abuser used to bite me too. It's a nasty sadistic thing to do. If you feel you can't report, I imagine more women will come out and say it happened to them too.
But if you don't, that's OK too. I didn't report my abuser.. Well I did but didn't go through with it all. It's not your responsibility to keep other women safe from him, it's not. Don't be bullied into it.
You can report BTW and not continue with pressing charges. Go in for a chat, I did that. Felt validated but didn't have to go through the court process.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Life can and will be normal again.

StroppyWoman · 27/11/2019 10:27

OP, just wanted to send you sympathy and support.

I'm so sorry you've been put through this horrible thing by a vile predator. Wishing you all the very best

Greenkit · 27/11/2019 10:54

Please please report

The police will take you seriously

See if his ex will do the same go together

He is a nasty piece of work and needs to be stopped.

Dogsaremyfavorite · 27/11/2019 11:14

I agree with pp. She is not your friend!

Your husband sounds amazing!

You need to go report this to police.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 27/11/2019 12:21

OP
Thank heavens for your wonderful DH 💐
This individual is a danger to women and a menace to society as he clearly has done this (and possibly more) in the past and doubtlessly he will in the future.
If you can please report him, not only because of your awful ordeal but also to protect any other women who he attacks and rapes in the future.
You are stronger than you think.

tensmum1964 · 27/11/2019 13:03

I love this quote and just wanted to share it with you for the times when you are unsure about what to do.....
The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.”
Today I whispered in the Devil’s ear, “I am the storm.”