Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

I’m sorry this happened to you, Op. and I feel desperately sorry for your friend.

There are two issues here:
You were attacked - forget about who he was for a minute - if this man was your friend’s partner but just say a friend of DH... would you report it? If so, then absolutely do it.
Second issue - your friends situation and her vulnerability. He may be treating her this way behind closed doors - he may not yet but either way she needs to know. Having a man like this in her life is always going to make her situation worse - not better. You absolutely have to tell her.

I agree that the biting is a big red flag this man is a sadistic sexual predator, he saw an opportunity to violate his best friend's partner, he seized it and then he pretended to be asleep when he was caught
What the fuck
Absolutely horrific incident

You cannot keep this to yourself, you should not internalize this, the shame is all his you did nothing to cause this
You must expose this man so that everyone knows what he is

How awful and traumatic for you.

I always worry that what I’m going to say next sounds a bit like victim blaming, or like you’re responsible for his actions - and I really don’t mean it to - but if he’s done this to you, he will very likely do this to other women so you do need to report him if you feel able.

Not that you should need it, but you have an excellent witness in your DH. You and him can go to the police together.

I agree that the biting is a big red flag this man is a sadistic sexual predator, he saw an opportunity to violate his best friend's partner, he seized it and then he pretended to be asleep when he was caught

Exactly, how brazen he was is so fucking disturbing! He knew full well OP's DH was upstairs and didn't give a shit. Imagine what he'll be capable of when he has a woman alone.

Assuming he has not done anything like this to your friend yet, there is a chance that he will in the future. She sounds like she is already quite vulnerable and I think it's in her best interests to be told.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. I know you didn't ask but I think it might help to talk to a counsellor about it.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for taking the time to reply. I know he needs reporting and I've know from the start i was just hoping it would go away and it was all just a nightmare.

I have thought constantly if my DH didn't wake up it could of been so much worse. I have never felt so terrified in my life. My DH normally is out for the count after a few drink to many but said he's never heard me scream like that before and suddenly he was wide awake. Our neighbours came round the next morning to ask if all was ok as they also heard me screaming so sure they would give a statement if needed.

I definitely could not live with myself if this happened to someone else and i could of stopped it so i will be reporting him.

My breasts are still very bruised the bite marks have gone but the bruising is there and a big lump. I do have a photo from the next day of the actual teeth marks though too.

The following day when my friend said about the mess of her DP face yes she did genuinely seem to believe his story. I wish i had of told her there and then but i was in to much shock and disbelief

I think I'd have been the same on the phone to her as you were. You'd barely had a chance to begin process what had happened.

your partner did give him a good hiding (understandably I would want to beat the s* out of him too) but what would he report your partner for assault?
I'm not saying this is a reason for not reporting him to the police but I think you should bear it in mind?

don't give any indication that you are going to the police make sure you get your story in first and make sure you can corroborate it with witnesses speak to the neighbour and make sure that they are prepared to be a witness to what happened
this man is a Predator he will do everything he can to get himself off the hook, you need to be strategic I think

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. You’ve done the right thing taking pics but this really needs reporting to the Police. He clearly poses a risk to females including your partner. Please report it.

I'm not trying to criticize your husband, he is clearly a decent man who knows absolutely right from wrong

Police. Then friend. Sorry.

I'm so sorry what has happened to you @Myheadisamess31 and I'm glad you're going to report him. Yes, your friend might feel hurt in the short term but what if he attacked her or another mutual friend at some point in the future? You'd probably feel guilty for not having spoken out.
Take care of yourself.

Ps I wouldn’t tell your friend until you’ve reported it to the Police, given your account and he’s been arrested/interviewed. If you do it before you’re just giving him chance to come up with a story. The other reason you shouldn’t tell your friend is that the Police will want a statement from her regarding what he told her about his injuries. She’s an important witness too. Good luck x

Please please please go to the police. You might save smb's life.
Sorry this happened to you.

Oh god Op this is awful.

A few things- A PP poster is right, you’ll have to think about what will happen to your husband when you report. im honestly not sure what to say about that myself, but you’ll have to consider it (I don’t blame your DH by the way- but it still happened)

I think I’d tell the friend after the police. As in straight after. I wouldn’t want her to try and persuade me not to report

So sorry this has happened to you op

Agree with other posters and your latest update, definitely police then your friend.

I'd take the advice of the police re how you tell her. However you must tell her, she's your life long friend and will know you have her best interest at heart. He's a dangerous man and may end up seriously hurting her or someone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if she wondered about how he got those marks and deep down knew he did or tried to do something awful which is why she called in the first place? A man like that surely must have let the mask slip on occasion with her.

God OP that's horrific, you poor thing.

You should tell your friend. This is too major to not tell her.

I suggest that you would contact a rape counselling service and get an appointment to see someone.
They will help you manage the fall out from this. Your own DP can only help so much. It will help to have someone to talk to about just your own stuff away from others involved in it.

So sorry that this has happened to you OP. I’m another saying your DH has it right - go straight to the police. I would tell them everything (including the difficult situation your friend is in and your concerns for her), and let them support you through the next steps.

I can absolutely understand your reluctance of telling your friend and not going to the police but this won’t go away.
If you do not tell your friend you will have to lie to her about why you do not want to meet up with her and her partner or why your partner won’t go out socially with him again.
The person who did this will think nothing of being in the same room as you and your partner.

Speak to your neighbours to see if they are willing to give a statement to the police. Do not discuss the details with them as this might go against you as it could be seen as ‘prepping the witness’.

Be warned though, if you do go to the police then it’s likely that this guy will also report the attack to them from your partner. I would also prepare yourself that your friend will not believe you and will stick by her partner. If she does do this then there is not much you can do about it but as her dad is terminally ill it might be partly to do with burying her head in the sand.

Make sure you keep the photos of the bite marks. I’m sure these can be used as evidence in terms of the police being able to prove that it was him that did this to you (and it not being your husband which your friends partner might try to claim) as I’m sure bite marks are the same as fingerprints as in they are unique to each individual.

And lastly, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up in anyway over your friend. You didn’t ask to be attacked that night

So very sorry that this has happened to you, this sounds utterly terrifying. Please know that all the feelings and reactions you have described are normal, feeling scared and not being able to immediately report etc. It is so fortunate that you were able to find your voice and scream for help, as so many women find themselves frozen and unable to do that, when being attacked. I agree with previous posters that there is a good likelihood of conviction due to the evidence and witnesses that you have, and police these days are trained to understand delay and fears about reporting, so you don’t have to worry about that.

It is easy for people who have not experienced this to urge you to report, but you have to feel ready to do this and while I agree that you should, you need to know that his behaviour is not your responsibility. As for your friend, I also agree that she needs to know, and hope that your husband can support you in telling her. It will be horrible and it is so shit that you need to do this, but it is the kindest thing all round.

to you.

You have a witness and neighbours who can collaborate you screaming.

You must report him.

How would you feel if your friend came to you in a few months telling you he raped her? How could you ever tell her that you knew he was capable of such a thing?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you :(