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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

289 replies

Myheadisamess31 · 24/10/2019 12:33

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 24/10/2019 14:47

You need to report him, the police may have other assaults he has committed.

Suppose, he assaulted your friend and left her with life changing injuries. Imagine how you would feel if this happened and you had not reported this vile man.

BlouseAndSkirt · 24/10/2019 14:48

Oh, love, I am so sorry.

I think you need to go to the police, and go now before the marks fade.

He is a dangerous man. It’s interesting to think that a man who is sexually violent to a woman could get away with it because the woman feels compassion for the very friend that he could be a threat to.

Also, not telling does not make everything ok. You and your DH can never socialise with them again, you will never be able to be relaxed with your friend again. So that is hardly a good outcome for your friend.

Love: he launched a violent sexual criminal attack on you.

Hard as it is, the sooner you talk to the police the better. And don’t tell your friend first in case she tries to protect him.

Flowers
Span1elsRock · 24/10/2019 14:48

All that stood out for me was the fact that if your DH hadn't woken up, he'd have raped you. Therefore you have to report him.

Your friend deserves to know what sort of lowlife she's in a relationship with.

Just bear in mind that she may shoot the messenger.... even if it is initially.

You didn't ask for or deserve any of this Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 24/10/2019 14:49

OMG.

Don't protect this rapist, protect your friend and the women he will meet in the future.

Take care Flowers

MrsAJ27 · 24/10/2019 14:51

I am sorry this happened to you, it sounds very scary.

You need to put yourself and your feelings first. Go to the police and report this vile piece of shit.

Tell your friend what happened asap, if you want your friendship to survive.

Interestedwoman · 24/10/2019 14:53

So sorry this happened to you. :( Hugs xxxxx

BlouseAndSkirt · 24/10/2019 14:53

Sorry OP, I missed your post where you said you would report.

I hope all our support will help you.

Do it while you still have the bruise. It will help emphasise in your own mind what he did and how violent he is.

“if my DH didn't wake up it could of been so much worse. “
He would have raped you, without a doubt.

Passthecherrycoke · 24/10/2019 14:55

“How would you feel if your friend came to you in a few months telling you he raped her? How could you ever tell her that you knew he was capable of such a thing?”

I know you’re trying to help but this is an awful thing to put on OP.

GladAllOver · 24/10/2019 14:56

If you haven't yet done so, take photos of the bite make before it fades.
You have a duty to report this, for you own sake, your friend's sake and for general public safety. Go to the police with your DH so you can both make statements.

TheTrollFairy · 24/10/2019 15:00

How would you feel if your friend came to you in a few months telling you he raped her? How could you ever tell her that you knew he was capable of such a thing?

Ignore messages like this. I can see where the people are coming from but him attacking another person does not lay blame at a previous victims door.
Of course you might feel bad but not reporting him (although I am in the opinion that you should) and him attacking someone else is not a result of you not telling the police. It is a result of himself being a raping bastard and he is the only one to blame for any attacks past or future.

Brefugee · 24/10/2019 15:05

Go to the police. If not only for you, for the next person that he might do this to. What if it was your friend?

Tell her when you have been to the police (not before). I'm so sorry this happened to you and to her, especially with her dad and all, but not reporting isn't doing anyone any favours.

Casander · 24/10/2019 15:05

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As everyone else has said, you do need to report this. I totally understand you trying to protect your friends mental health but sometimes you've got to put your own mental health first, you shouldn't have to live with this in silence.

Thank god your DH was there, unmumsnetty hugs for you Thanks

ActualHornist · 24/10/2019 15:11

Oh OP. I’m so sorry Flowers

I agree with others, I think you should go to the police and then your friend.

BareKneesDeCourcy · 24/10/2019 15:16

That’s horrific. Please go to the police, then tell your friend. You could be protecting her in the long-run as well as getting justice for yourself.

Is it also worth perhaps visiting your GP to show them the damage, along with the photos?

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 24/10/2019 15:16

Op I am sorry you had to experience this please please report this. You are not helping her you are leaving her with a monster and potentially other women.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/10/2019 15:17

Everyone else has said everything.

Look after yourself Thanks

Bluntness100 · 24/10/2019 15:20

You need to tell her, it's very very wrong to withhold this information from her and let her keep seeing this man op. You wouldn't wish her to do that to you, so don't do it to her.

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2019 15:20

You have to report it to the police. And your friend is entitled to know. She needs to know. And obviously you and DP won't be going out as a foursome any more. Won't she ask why?

Kaddm · 24/10/2019 15:27

Almost without doubt this man is a rapist. There is almost zero chance that you were his first victim.

I also think that as soon as your friend knows, she will be in danger from being attacked as well. So be very careful where she is when you tell her.

Lorddenning1 · 24/10/2019 15:30

By the sounds of his behavior, u dont sound like his first victim, there could be so many more, and there will continue to be more if he isnt reported.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 24/10/2019 15:41

I'm glad you're going to report him and that you took photos.

You're strong enough for this and so is she. And she absolutely needs to know, now not later, what her partner is capable of. Flowers

butterybiscuitbasic · 24/10/2019 16:13

Op you don’t “have” to do anything. Do what’s right for you. However I would maybe try and get some legal advice if you can.

The chances are that he will counter accuse your dh and concoct a story (that’s just how this all works). I imagine that he’s done something similar before - it’s such a fucking brazen attack and a violent one.

Am so sorry you’re in this position - but do what you want to do - not what posters say you “must.”

LolaLollypop · 24/10/2019 16:19

You absolutely have to go to the police. If he's done this to you, someone he knows and presumably "respects", what chances will he take with someone who is more vunerable? He sounds like a danger to women imo.

Thank goodness you have a supportive husband.

coconutpie · 24/10/2019 16:28

You absolutely need to go to the police. You were sexually assaulted. If your DH had not woken up, it would have been worse. Please tell the police first. Then tell your friend. Police first though. Ask them when you should tell your friend.

catsmother · 24/10/2019 16:31

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. I won't repeat what everyone else has already said about going to the police but unless I've missed it, what does also concern me is the possibility of damage/infection due to the bite, you mentioned a lump there? Have you had this looked at by a doctor? I really don't want to stress you out any more than you already are but if your skin was broken you may need antibiotics due to the infection risk. Apologies if I'm stating the obvious but you falling ill due to that scum is the last thing you need.