Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

You absolutely have to tell your friend. To not do so is awful, she can’t live with a man like that, whatever her current situation. If you are too fragile to do it, it isn’t copping out to get your husband to do it for you. He may be able to tell her more calmly and it won’t trigger your anxiety more.

You also need to contact a crisis centre and get someone to talk to.

You don’t however HAVE to report to the police. It is not on you if he has done this before or does it again. It just isn’t.

If you feel strong enough, and feel that seeking justice is the right thing for you then report it.

If you want to just inform your friend, feel healed and move on then don’t.

I would always always have said report. Until I did, on something 10x worse than this. And while I’m still fighting it, don’t underestimate how much it takes out of the woman and the inability to then just move on.

Even if you don't tell your friend at least tell the police. He may have previous that no one knows about. He might have done something like this before. How awful for you op

Sweet OP, the crime isn't just against you. It's against society. Criminals are punished by the government because people are supposed to be safe from crime. Those punishments signal that committing crimes is wrong, and that the citizens are worthy of protection. Do your part in not letting a criminal hurt an innocent citizen by telling the police.

Oh god that sounds truly horrific, how terrifying for you. I’m so glad your husband is being kind and supportive of you. He’s right, you really shouldn’t feel any sense of guilt towards your friend about going to the police, she and society as a whole needs protecting from someone like him and you can do that if you feel able to report him.
You poor soul.

Glad to hear you will report this. You’re protecting her too. I would call ASAP and get it over with. You’ll never be able to be normal with them so she’ll know something is wrong.

You need to report this, for all you know he could be doing this to your friend, as well as protecting others from being attacked by this sexual predator. She may not thank you at first, but in the long run she is better off without him.

You poor poor thing. You just have to ring the Police, it's so awful what he's done and as a PP has just said, you won't be able to be normal with her.

Of course it's awful what she's going through at the moment, but he did this to you at the awful time , you've done nothing.

This will weigh on your mind and build up and build up.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REPORT THIS

SOCIETY ISNT YOUR SOUL RESPONSIBILITY

Report if you can, if you feel strong enough, if it won’t damage you more. But you DO NOT have to like the majority on this thread are saying. It is not a responsibility, it is a choice. And it is not an easy one, it’s invasive, lengthy, you will be accused. It’s the “right” thing to do, but you are going to need to be in it for the long run and a strong enough person to bare it.

I’m so sorry that awful man has done this to you OP, you must feel devastated.

Thing is, if he gets away with this it will only embolden him further, and judging by the brazenness and severity of this attack, he’s almost certainly done this before. Men like this don’t start with trying to rape a woman in her own home with her husband present, they start small and escalate. This wasn’t a drunken mistake.

Even if you do go the the police and they decide not to prosecute, as we all know what the police are like with matters such as these, his name will be recorded as a suspect, and it’ll be flagged up if there are any further complaints about him, which is more than likely judging by the severity of his offence.

And then there is your friend, your poor friend who is already having a difficult time and who you now know is in a relationship with a violent sexual predator. I’m not going to emotionally blackmail you by telling you you’re complicit in exposing her to a rapist, because you aren’t, she already is exposed to him and she was before you knew what sort of man he is, but I’d ask you to think about whether you’d like to know if the roles were reversed. She might not believe you, she might even break up your friendship accusing you of making up malicious lies, but then again she might not. She may have already seen this side of him, or she may ignore you and subsequently see this side of him. None of this you can control or feel responsible for, but you will inevitable have a reaction down the line if he does this to her and she wasn’t warned.

Like I said though, what happens to her is not your responsibility because you aren’t responsible for what he may or not do to her, but do keep in mind that consciences are difficult and destructive things if you ignore them.

Please try and get some help for yourself to process what he has done to you. It’s not your fault and you shouldn’t suffer for it any more than you have. Please take care of yourself and do what you feel is the right thing in your heart.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in because I know you want to protect your friend but please understand if you go to the police you will be protecting her. If he will do this to you I imagine he will treat her the same at some point.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, it sounds utterly terrifying.

Not a responsibility to society but I would say you have to your friend.....

Supply I’d agree with that, she has to know. Even if OP has her DH do it if she doesn’t feel strong enough.

Don’t tell her, just go to the police. It’s likely she won’t believe you if it’s your word against her partners

Please stop pressuring the OP to go to the police, it's traumatic as fuck and if she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to, and having to endure the process is DEEPLY retraumatising for victims.

OP, the consideration you're showing for your friend is admirable, but she does really need to know about the monster she's involved with. If you can't bring yourself to tell her, perhaps your bloke can do it for you as long as he handles it gently given her situation? You have to put yourself first here.

It's not on the OP to make sure he doesn't get away with this again by reporting him - she isn't responsible for his actions then, now, or in future. He is. These cases are AWFUL and she will have to go through everything in minute detail and sit in court for gods know how long. If she is strong enough to do that then by all means that's great. But don't look down on her for not reporting if she doesn't want to, it's truly horrific and I say that as someone who's been there.

The op may well find herself at the centre of a false allegation case if she tells friend and not the police.

Please tell her, with your husband if needs be, in your turf. Tell her you need to report it to protect others. The issue may be that your dh may get in trouble for lamping him when he was pretending to sleep. However, his tale of falling over is to cover his shame otherwise he would have to explain why.

You do not have to do a thing. You are the victim here and it's up to you. His actions are not your responsibility. Take that pressure right off yourself. You do what you think is right and you are flipping brave whatever you decide. I am so glad that you have a lovely, supportive husband. There is a middle ground here. You could go to a sexual assault referral clinic. They can help you talk this through. There will be no pressure to report to police. They are NHS funded so totally separate. So sorry this happened to you.

I would tell her, but beware she may well not believe you, he may tell her it was all banter or he is too drunk to remember or you led him on etc etc, depends how brainwashed she is by him or how much she thinks she loves him, i hope this doesnt happen but be prepared it could

OP, so sorry to hear this - what an abomination that man is.

In my job I am often the first person a survivor of sexual assault will tell. I can't tell you strongly enough that this assault or any consequences coming from it are not your fault. Should he decide to assault an other victim that is entirely on him. However, it might be useful for you to know about Third Party Reporting ( it might be called something different in your area). This is where you can have your evidence recorded but not taken to trial. Should an other person, later on down the line, decide to go forward with a prosecution your evidence could be used to prop up their case. You shouldn't feel at all guilty about whatever you choose to do here but in my experience people do and this might be a way to put that to rest. Rape Crisis should be able to talk you through this and your other options. There's branches and helplines all over the country - give them a Google to find your local branch. Best of luck

Idont I didn’t know that! It was never given as an option.

Stop pressuring the OP by saying she has a duty to report it. She doesn't at all.

Going to the police isn't always a way to solve the problem. She will have to talk about it a lot, to different people, not all of whom will be nice or kind to her.

We all know the conviction rates of sexual assault, of the ones that make it that far.

The OP will probably need to tell her friend and get medical attention for the bites, but the police isn't always the right response for a victim. That's reality, I'm afraid.

Op be mindful that you won't be his first, if he was confident enough to try it with you in your own home, then he's done this before.

What would have happened if your husband hadn't woken?

How do you know he isn't sexually abusing your friend and due to her current wellbeing issues she able to admit it or tell you?

It's your call re the police, but I would urge you to be a good friend, and get her away from this abuser. You'll both need support.

You can always get in touch with Women's Aid Op for extra support.

Brass, I didn't know about it until a few years ago. I'm in Scotland and obviously the law here is different but I would hope its available all over the UK.

Sexual assault and rape is horribly common. In general the law don't deal well with it but I am hopeful with MeToo and Operation Yewtree, etc that we're begining to see a change.

One thing that always strikes me about the survivors of sexual crimes is their strength and dignity and downright bravery. No one should have to live in the aftermath of rape but those who do always leave me awestruck.