Massive trigger warning. Advice needed please

[Myheadisamess31]

Name changed for this. This is one of the hardest most horrible things I've ever been through so go easy please.

Last weekend my DH went out for drinks with my best friends partner.

Me and my friend have been friends since we were 8 now early 30's and i love her dearly. She met partner about 2 years ago through internet dating. Myself and my DH have always got on with him thought he was a nice bloke we've had many days/nights out together.

So last week my DH went out drinking with this guy they came back to our home to carry on drinking. DH went to toilet and never returned he'd fell asleep. I hadn't been drinking it was getting late and i told friends partner i am going to go to bed. He tried to kiss me i pushed him away said what the f**k do you think you are doing and he apologise profusely i said do not ever let that happen again. I said i want you to leave now i walked to my front door to open it to let him out and he came behind me grabbed me by the back of the hair dragged me to my sofa and attacked me he bit my breast he pinned me down and was trying to put his hands down my jeans. I screamed and screamed as loud as i could for my husband and thank God he heard me. Friends partner then got off me and lay on the sofa pretending to be asleep when my husband walked in i was hysterical shaking telling him what happened. My DH gave this guy a real good hiding and threw him out the house.

I didn't sleep just sobbed i was in shock and couldn't believe what's happened. Next morning my friend rang me laughing saying i should see the state of her partner's face he'd fell over on way home. I blanked and didn't say anything just that i had to go. DH said i need to tell her and we need to contact police my reasons for not doing this is my friends father has terminal cancer and has weeks left she is understandably devastated. My friend has a bad mental health history and she spent our late teens in a mental health unit. I just don't think she'd cope with hearing this and i can't bring myself to hurt her more than she's already hurting she is very very fragile.

My DH has been unbelievably supportive this week but keeps saying i need to tell her but i am scared for her. DH says it's not me that will be hurting her but her DP actions that night. I also don't feel physically strong enough to do it at the moment myself. I have cried what feels non stop I've barely eaten i hate being in my house it's just been an absolutely horrendous week.

DH is taking me away the weekend just for a break to get my head around things and try and clear my head and think straight.

I don't want to lose my friend but i don't want him to get away with it. I've avoided her calls all week because i can't bring myself to hear her voice. I feel so guilty but i know i shouldn't i did nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I would appreciate any advice but please think about the bigger picture with my friends mental health state and not just the attack.

I have took pictures of bruising and bite marks should i go to the police.

Don't post anything do not give him or her any warning about anything you are about to do or even how you feel about them or the situation!

She is not your friend so be very careful what you share with her and don't go angry at her as having an argument or falling out with her will just mean she will warn him of any trouble ahead and give him/her a chance to concoct lies.

Go to the police tell the ex to go too. Once you have you can cut contact or at the very least pull back until you know what she does.

just remember none of this is your fault and however you feel right now is entirely natural so don't be hard on yourself and don't forget that one day this will be in your past, things won't feel as they do now, things will one day feel manageable and hopefully even better

Just to say too I have experienced both childhood sexual abuse and adult rape and have reported and not reported and firmly believe it is up to you to decide how you choose to proceed.

My only advice though is don't not report because you are scared because it's never scarier than your imagination. Only don't report if it's something you don't actually want to do because that's different to being worried about the process or the outcome. None of that actually matters all that matters is the fact that you have decided to report and once it's done it's over and anything that comes next is for others to work on. most people (not all but most) feel like it was positive and they took back control by telling professionals so they can deal with it but it is your choice!

Thank you all so so much for all the replies to my update.

Today's update is as follows i told friend we are no longer friends i am done with her i have given her serious warning about the rapist she is with and told her she is in danger. She just said he's never hurt her i said but he's hurt me massively and i am sure he's hurt others.

Today has by far been the worst day so far since it happened the shock the worry the upset has subsided and rage has taken over but also anxiety.

This morning i drove to work sat on the carpark and just cried not knowing what to do my thoughts were all over the place. I drove my my GP and embarrassingly walked in there in a state. The receptionist knows me and knows this is not my normal behaviour so she got GP who was brilliant and calmed me down o got to the point i thought i was going to die i couldn't breath.

I have been given something to help with the anxiety and also referred for extra help other than just counselling which i am so relieved about. I have never experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions in my life.

@Ginkypig so sorry to hear you've also been through sexual abuse. I hope you are ok

@tensmum1964 i also love that quote thank you ❤

I currently have zero regrets for unfriending friend at all and i do think with this extra support off GP i will be strong enough to report.

Thank you all so much for all your advice and words of encouragement ❤

You are all also very right about my DH he is amazing.

He has just come home from work i haven't spoken to him today so he has no idea how shitty my day has been but has just told me we are going to London Saturday morning until Sunday evening with my 2 stepson's ❤ just what i really need i think.

Thanks myhead it was all a long time ago now I was just mentioning it to show my post has formed from those experiences both the things themselves but also the aspect of reporting or not.

Things may well be on and off shitty for a while but that's natural what happened to you was horrific, it's not just a grazed knee that you forgot about the next day! but don't fight too hard against how you feel just because you think you should be feeling differently. How ever you feel or choose to deal or cope with what has happened is entirely up to you. You are the priority.

Also well bloody done for be brave enough to go to the gp.

You are doing amazing op! I know it feels like you're struggling but you are fantastic!

What is going to happen to your dh if you report? What if he gets charged with assault?

@Ginkypig it's really weird that I'm not actually sure how i feel one day isn't to bad the next is horrendous. Keeping it in and bottling it up hasn't helped either. Thanks for your help ❤ i had to go to the GP i felt like i wasn't and couldn't cope i honestly at some points yesterday thought fuck this i hate myself for it now but everything just took over it was just raw yesterday. Today i feel a bit better

@GAW19 thank you ❤ I'm trying my best

@Tvstar if i report we are going to be honest about what happened I've made this clear to DH that I'm not going to lie because lies always come out. DH has no previous and i was sexually assaulted in my own home i think DH did what any bloke would of done. Friends partner hasn't reported the assault so we're hoping the police will be on our side. When DH came downstairs that night i was hysterical my top was ripped i had bite marks his instinct was to get that bastard out of the house and away from me surely the police must understand that. Friends partner is also a big bloke he's around 6ft 4 so my DH also had defend himself

How have you been today OP? X

I still years and years later occasionally feel shit and raw (normally because a smell or song etc triggers something) but it doesn't happen nearly as often and doesn't last as long, my friends who have had abuse and sexual assaults in their past are also similar. It is going to be like you are on a rollercoaster up and down but eventually you will reach a straight and it'll hopefully sooner rather than later will stay on the straight with just the occasional small bend or bump.

Remember you are still in the middle of it at the moment, once you (if you decide to) report it and that process is over and it might be helpful to talk to a professional eventually to sort out your thoughts Then things will feel behind you a bit more and with that the emotional zigzag will calm down.

💐 please go ahead and report this.
Also report what his ex has said, if you can get her permission.
He is a serial rapist and others need protection from him.

@PinkBalloon123 thank you for asking 😊 yesterday i felt like me again my mind wasn't 1 complete big mess like it was Wednesday. Today i feel quite relaxed and i am thinking clearly. Hope you have a good day x

@Ginkypig yesterday and today i feel ok and pretty normal so i tell myself that's it i am ok now but that's not the truth because I know i will have more bad days but like you say hopefully as time goes on they will be few and far between. Your advice and support has been really helpful i really appreciate it. It's good hearing that it does get better. I think i bottled it up a lot in real life tried to make the few who know about think i was ok when i wasn't. I am hoping my referral appointment will come through soon and that will help also.
With it being my friend partner it's really hurt me especially as she knows and is still with him it's an extra kick ontop of it all. I smelt whisky last week and it instantly made me feel sick it reminded me of his breath so yes i definitely get what you mean about a song or a smell. Hope you have a lovely weekend and thank you again 💞

@Weenurse i am definitely planning on reporting i just need to get myself mentally well because i really don't think i could cope with it all at the minute it's so up and down. DH is still talking to his ex and hopefully she will agree to report too x

Anytime myhead, I really mean that. You sound like a lovely lady. I'm just sorry I can't just blow it all away for you. I'm just glad some of what Iv said is helpful to you and I'm not just talking drivel at you

I'll try to remember to check in regularly but feel free to pm me if you need to and while I'm far from an expert! If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask, I found it quite hard in the early days as I do much better when I can learn about something and obviously with things like this you just can't ask anyone incase it upsets them so ask on this thread/me if you need between me and the other great responses I'm sure one of us will be willing to answer.

One thing though I definitely would keep up with the gp and be open to talking to a professional just to sort out things in your head as us much as you can talk to lovely Dp having a space to say anything in your head no matter how dark or bad without having to worry about the other person because they are not personally attached to you.

Hi head.

I'm not trying to resurrect the thread but Just letting you know if you need I'm still checking in now and again.