To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

I find most people I meet tell me why their specific set of circumstances are harder than anyone else's, I know lots of parents who complain when actually I feel they have it much easier than I do.
Off the back of that, I'm trying hard to stop comparing, it only leads to me feeling grumpy.

But you are right

You may have known her a long time but I wouldn’t call yourself a “close” friend, to be honest.

I think you make a fair point. It also sounds pretty crass comparing how difficult people's lives are however I would bite my tongue as it won't end well.

Its none of your business! Great she has good support but she is still alone doing the daily grind of bedtime, washing, shopping, cooking.

I agree with you. She has more childfree time than me and I have a DH who does his share.

BUT I would hate to miss out on seeing my DC almost all weekend, every weekend.

The only bit that sounds bad about her set up is not being able to see her children from Friday through to Sunday. I would hate to spend Saturdays without my daughter. I guess that maybe she might struggle financially a bit as working in a school is convenient but she probably doesn’t earn that much. Other things that are hard for single parents are situations like when your child is ill and you have to cope with it on your own but by the sounds of it, she does have support. I guess maybe she misses adult company in the evenings perhaps. Being a single mum can feel lonely sometimes. You don’t sound very pleased for her that she has found a job that works well with her situation and has lots of support. I would feel happy for my friend if something made their life easier.

So is she responsible for her own rent/mortgage/bills/ house maintenance/diy/holidays etc. If these are things that are entirely on her shoulders then yes you are being a little unreasonable.

You don’t know what goes on behind all that. Maybe she’s struggling, but has to put on a brave face? Maybe she’s lonely? Maybe she tells herself that to make herself feel better? Try not to judge her.

YANBU.

As a single parent until last year ( and frankly not much gas changed) people were always telling me how hard it was.
I always corrected them ;my one DS and term time job and no other adults, was much easier than there endless arguments over turn taking, weight pulling and lie ins.

So she does all the domestic slog during the week, getting kids fed, watered out to school etc (on top of working full time herself) but doesn’t get any chill time with them at weekends? That sounds odd and quite sad really, I don’t envy that set up.

Being a lone parent isn't just practicalities it's the responsibility of having no one to share anything with mentally. Theres no one to talk to in the evenings or to nip out for a forgotten item. Shes probably very lonely.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to judge. Just because her job seems convenient to you and her ex is a good dad doesn’t mean she doesn’t struggle - of course being a single parent is difficult! You don’t know how she feels or what she struggles with. I don’t think it’s nice that you are bitter that she relates with other single parents and talks about their similar situation - maybes it’s a source of support for her? What do you expect her to do - keep quiet as you personally have analyzed her life from the outside and don’t feel that she’s suffering enough?

You’re missing the point of the loneliness of single parenthood and that burden when everything is your responsibility. No matter how great your ex is- it’s not the same thing when your child is ill and you are trying to decide whether to call 111 or not. Or when you just want to chat over some silly aspect of your day. Or when you want a cuddle. Or sex. What about her getting fun family down time? When does that happen? Yes she gets lots of support and that’s great- but it’s bloody lonely being a single parent. So yabu.

I think everything’s relative; I think my sister had it easier than me as she has help from her in laws round the corner while I don’t but to her things do feel hard.

Agree with pp about the mental load element and day to day managing. Yes it sounds like she has a good support network and a convenient job, not dissimilar to me, but you know what? I made some v deliberate choices and plans to make it like that. Im not lucky im a teacher with no holiday issues, i chose that. I chose to live close to support for when i or the kids are sick. Their dad is eow and we are not on great terms but i do get more childfree time than my married friends. BUT all domestic and child rearing stuff is down to me. All the time. Plumber does not show, me. Something breaks, me. Insurances, bills, mortgage admin and paying, me. Kids having social, emotional or academic problems, me. Thats a huge difference no matter how much practical support you have.

YANBU.
Some people just like to be victims and will always claim to have it worse than others.
Some single parents struggle, some don't. Some parents (single and otherwise) like to complain how hard they have it.

Well she would irritate the shit out of me if she said she and I “knew” the same single parenting and I’d think the same as you.

On the face of it, I appear to have it easy. I have a good job, not a lot of financial hardship, a beautiful home, friends, a DP, yet I am a single mother to a teenage DD and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.
My mental load is not shared. Her dad is an absolute pain in the arse, who undermines me at every corner. I am responsible for all the bills, mortgage, services, repairs, DD’s schooling, wellbeing and everything else.

DP is lovely, and he helps with stuff like: I can see you’re shattered, I’m making dinner and running you a bath. But would never interfere in my finances/educating my child etc.

Don’t judge your friend. The fact that she’s still keeping her head above the parapet doesn’t mean she’s not furiously threading murky waters underneath it all. Be kind.

You’re missing the point of the loneliness of single parenthood and that burden when everything is your responsibility.

This is spot on.

Also its horrendous if your ill. My biggest fear as when I'm down theres no one to help. I had noro recently and my parents wouldn't come round to help me as they didnt want to catch it.

Working all day at school then taking your kids home with you isn’t easy IME... so she’s doing the hard bit and missing out with the fun time at the weekend... I know lots of SP have it worse but I’d find that hard.

I don’t think you’ve got a clue what it’s like. You’re alone every BH, miss half your kids Christmases and birthdays, make every decision when they are with you alone, no one to share the joy of milestones, no adult company in the house. I’m now in a relationship after 6 years of single parenting and after he moved in and someone asked what it was like my response was ‘OMG, life is SO much easier!’ That’s an idiot statement to make except to a close friend as I’m not saying life is easy in a couple but I do think there are aspects of single parenting that you’re missing in your post even if logistically her life is easier than yours.

YANBU , but people don’t see it themselves!

I have a similar set up to your 'friend' which you don't seem to like and whilst I acknowledge that I have it far easier than other lone parents nothing compensates for the crushing responsibility of having to be the adult, for want of a better description, all the time.

There is still stigma attached to single mothers too. My ex-H gets praise for stepping up to co-parent his dc. Me? Not so much.

Being a lone parent is fucking hard no matter how much help and support you have.

When you go home after a shit day, you have your dh there to complain to. To make dinner/put the kids to bed/make you a drink/talk everything though with. When you have to make difficult decisions you have support and help in making those.

Lone parents don’t. And whilst her parents/ExH are helpful it is not the same. My parents have dd for me when I ask, and dd’s dad is great. But none of that matters when I come home after a really frigging hideous day at work and I have to be bright and happy and joyful for dd so she doesn’t bear the brunt of my exhaustion and stress. It’s really bloody difficult sometimes. No amount of outside help stops that.

I think you’re being very judgmental.