To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

Your friend obviously likes to play the single mother card

What does that even mean? That single mum’s can’t feel fed up in case others around them decide that their lives are harder? Only married parents are allowed to feel hard done by? People who have never lived your life are allowed to judge it from the outside and decide whether you are worthy of some kind of empathy?

I think my life, compared with many single parents, is easy. But fuck me, the bitches on here who would tear me to pieces because I dare to complain now and again.

Fair point BUT be honest and admit you don’t like her
I have friends who truly are SP

This is co parenting with a support back up

Sounds like she has a lot of support around her which is great! However she still has to do all the daily chores by herself cleaning washing cooking bedtime shopping keeping a house and when the kids are in bed she might be spending evenings by herself so could possible feel lonely? You have no idea someone else true circumstances you only see the front they put on a lot of the time.

Everybody has it tough, everybody has it easy, just depends on how you see it. We all have our own cross to bear.

Its tough being a single parent but then its tough being a single person who has no children but would love one. Some families struggle day to day single or married. Some have money but are still miserable.

Mainly its important to look to your own happiness and your families happiness and not fret over other peoples.

Your friend is one of the 'lucky' single parents, so I agree it must be pretty wearing if you're having to constantly listen to her whinging on about how hard her life is.
Some of us SPs however don't have it so easy. I,for example never moan about my lot in real life mainly because I don't want to bore people and also because I realise that there are people far worse off than me, but fuck it I'm going to have a little vent on here. So I work full time in a job that I love (carer for the elderly) but which pays crap wages. I have been a single mum of 5 for over 10 years, the last 8 of which ex husband has not paid a bean in child maintenance. His interest in his kids has gradually/alarmingly waned over that time too to the extent he has not seen them or sent so much as a birthday/Christmas card to them for approximately 4 years. This has left two of my boys a bit angry with the world and God knows what is going through my other kids heads-they joke about it mostly but they must be hurting deep down. It breaks my heart that they have abandoned by their dad, and then I have the added guilt that I've not been able to afford to take them on holidays abroad, pay for expensive school trips, pay for their driving lessons now they are of age etc etc. And then, though in general they're very good kids, there's the fact that I have no-one to discuss their behaviour with when they do cause me worry, no-one to bounce off and help me make sound judgements regarding disciplining them etc. I just have my own instincts to go on and there are times when I probably haven't got it right and then you're back to the old feelings of guilt again. Saying all this I'd much rather be poor and lonely (I don't feel lonely but I am parenting wise) than stuck in a volatile and stressful marriage, and I think overall it's better for my kids too, or would be if their useless fucktard father would step up to the plate.

@fotheringhay I feel the same! This really wasn’t how I expected my life to be and it came as a massive shock! I hate doing it all on my own, days out seeing happy families! Limits on what we can actually do as there’s 3 of us, I cant take them both to a theme park on their own because there’s only 1 of me and one kid doesn’t want to do rides on their own. Everything is harder when there’s one of you!
Also really good points about being ill, everything still has to be done regardless. Also if kids are sick it’s hard to clean up the mess and look after them at the same time. One kid has asthma which kicks off at ridiculous hours of the night, it’s difficult getting him to the hospital and finding someone to come and sit with the other child.
There’s the loneliness of not having anyone to talk to when you’re having a shit day or if your kid does something good! You can text you’re family and friends but it’s not the same as having a partner to talk about things with

Well she has it a lot harder than the father doesn’t she?

It's the weight of responsibility that comes with being a single parent which makes things tough - even if she does get a break at weekends. Walking through the door after work and being greeted with 'what's for dinner' instead of 'how was your day'. If you run out of milk - tough, if the car breaks down - you sort it. Dentist appointments, pe kits ready, sorting bills, friendship dramas - there is no default parent to say 'can you just... while I...' And yet she still finds herself being judged regardless of doing all this with a full time job, while her ex is applauded by society for being such a hands on dad. Single parenting is still a tough gig even with support, without it it's even harder.

She isn't a single mum. She is a mum who happens to be single. The kids still have their father involved in their life regularly and paying his way. How the hell does she assume she is a single parent?

A single parent is one who is the sole parent, ffs. Not someone who's relationship is 'single'.

Because she’s never hear of your ridiculous definition andy.

A single parent is one who is the sole parent, ffs. Not someone who's relationship is 'single'

No, that is a "lone" parent or as you have described "sole" parent.

I'm a single parent.

Here's a definition for you: -

Single parent. Noun. a person bringing up a child or children without a partner.

HTH!

Doesn't sound like you are a particularly good friend

I think she has it very hard. It’s full on 5 days a week without adult company in the evenings and no one to share the mental load and none of the fun, relaxing downtime at weekends.

I am sure many, many parents single and otherwise have a harder time than her but that doesn’t mean she has it easy.

I think everyone has their own struggles tbh and it’s impossible to compare.

Because while some single parents will have it incredibly hard with no support there will be some who have it easy on the surface but still struggle with the daily grind, and then there are those who e.g. chose to bring children into the world as single parents be that through adoption or donor conception and wouldn’t want it any other way.

But conversely there are couples who have it easy with each other to talk to every night over dinner, with mutual interaction with the DC and successfully both playing an equal part, but then there are those couples who work alternate shifts and never see each other, or one works away from home a lot or travels a lot, or one works and one doesn’t so the SAHP is there to do the majority of the parenting...

Why do you care? Sounds like she has loads of support, that's great for her.

don't know, ask the people who actually use it?

Ah yes, all these many single parents using it as a tool to open doors closed to couples...

without adult company in the evenings

Surely you could say this about a childfree single person too?

Why do you care? Sounds like she has loads of support, that's great for her.

Her friend is the one making comparisons. No need to get arsey with OP for merely posing a question.

I am a single parent and I certainly have it easier than some; I work Ft and although I am not well off, I budget well and the kids always have what they need. They see their dad for t least one weekend evening per week so I am able to form and keep effective relationships/friendships. The kids are a little older now and don't require as much constant supervision. Day to day we tend to muddle along very nicely.

But last night, I was so miserable. It all just felt too much and I was overwhelming lonely and felt hard done by. The daily grind of work, dinners, ironing, dishes, housework, packed lunches, dieting, parenting, homework - so many of us do it - and do it well. But there is no shame in just having a night of "Gahh I can't handle this right now!" I got through what needed to and went to bed. And today is a new day.

Maybe your friend just has more of those kinds of evenings than some others, and feels that her life isn't quite so easy as you assume. Just because you can do all the daily mundane tasks doesn't mean you should have to, or that you enjoy it. As a single parent, you just have to plod on.

Single parent or not, some people are just mega self absorbed and therefore literally unable to see that they are unable to empathise with others 😂 pointless trying to make them understand and pointless getting annoyed with them.

I’ll never remember a whacky moment once, 2 parents being let in to school by the school secretary:
Parent 1 (has 6 kids ages 3 to 15, partner works away during the week, has relatives with care needs, and a suicidal dc): “hello, how are you?”
School Secretary (has just one teenage child left living at home, a cleaner, and a part time job): “oh my god, just really stressful!”
Parent 2 (has 3 kids ages 2 to 12, partner who works 10 hour days, has a part time job): “oh no, why?”
Secretary: “I’m just so busy keeping up with everything at home because of this job.”
Parents 1 and 2: ...polite smiles

Years later, Parents 1 and 2 still laugh their heads off at the self absorbed woman (still in her ‘dreadful’ job, still tells people how much she hates it 😂). You can’t fix Self Absorbed 🤷‍♀️

I'm a single parent, your friend would make me grit my teeth and smile if she began moaning to me about how hard her single parent life is. Woe is her with free weekends, excellent support and financial security.

Meanwhile I'm completely alone, have no child free evenings let alone weekends, have to balance my books exceptionally carefully on a monthly basis to make ends meet (which I'm thankful I'm capable of doing) work a 40 hour week, live in social housing and live a lonely isolated life of silence from 7:30pm onwards every night!

Yeah your friend is not that hard done by on the grand scheme of single parenting, however just nod and smile.

I suppose there's a difference between happier and easier.

I'd say a single mum with two sets of willing and helpful grandparents and an ex who does 50/50...probably has an easier time with parenting than a mum with a partner who works long hours and no family support. However, in the latters case, their life might be harder but they may be happier because they have a relationship.

some people are just mega self absorbed and therefore literally unable to see that they are unable to empathise with others

As far as I can make out the only self-absorption in your example co,Es from you and the other women. You expect her to know and understand the finer details of your life - and respond accordingly to every ‘how are you’ she will receive in the course of her public-facing job - but you seem not to understand that you don’t actually know the finer details of her life and understand that she could be stressed for a million reasons she’s rather not go into so just makes a non-comment accordingly because she’s at work. Self-absorbed! Those of you who are still clinging on to it years later perhaps need a long hard look in the mirroe

It seems a nice life, but I am not sure it is.

During the week is a bloody slog a lot of the time. We all know how much stuff needs doing. Lets not forget homework and all that as well. So downtime and fun times with the dc imo are what happens over the weekends. But she doesn't seem to have the dc much on weekends.

I too am a single parent with very little support so i look at my dc and I as a team. But her team isn't there for those best days to be doing fun stuff, its just the same old slog for her.

And its been said numerous times about the emotional side of it. Those parents who have a partner, have someone there to run something by if need be, or they can pick up the phone and get a 2nd opinion on something. Say something has happened and you just need someone to back you up sometimes. Every decision you make, whether its good or bad, is yours. In hindsight I have made some very bad decisions in that spur of a moment, had a just had someone I could pick up the phone to and run it by, it would have made me think from a different aspect. Not just an emotional one at the time.

She sounds lonely and I can understand why. You can have all the money in the world and a big fancy house. But that is materialist stuff. Not everything is as it seems from the outside.

There are advantages of being a lone (as opposed to single) parent - you get to make all the decisions. Your life is your own and other than doing the best for your DC you are beholden to no one. Want to paint the living room mauve? Off you go to B+Q. Fancy egg and chips for Sunday dinner? Make it. Set up your finances as you wish, don't plan your time round someone else's cycling/gym/fishing/whatever or an ex's contact time. The flip side of this coin is that everything rests on you 24/7/365. There is no second earner, no one to have the kids while you pop out to the shop or do an evening class, exercise etc. Your job suffers with every domestic emergency or sick child. You might not be able to afford the mauve paint once you get to B+Q. Friends lose interest as yet again you can't go out. And the weight of it all just grinds you down. It's such a mixed bag, and I'm guessing it is for most situations. I'd be willing to risk being a euromillions winner with a gorgeous and attentive DH, a posh house and a cleaner though