To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

My dh works away from home Monday to Friday so I have full responsibility for the kids in that time, just as she does.
Every breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack is made by me. All the washing clothes and housekeeping is done by me. If they want a parent to play with them its me. If the kids need to be dropped off or collected from anywhere it falls on me.
You can't pop to the shop if you've forgotten something once the kids are in bed because your dh isn't there.
Even if you have support from grandparents (which I do) you can still feel lonely and alone.
Even just having your dh in the house in the evening, knowing you have an adult to look forward to seeing and have an adult conversation with at the end of the day is something a lot of people take for granted.

YANBU you read enough threads on here to know there are some useless dads who are with the mother of their child.
For example If you have money and helpful grandparents I’d say that could make life easier than just having a partner.

Wow. With friends like you, she sure as hell doesn’t need enemies!

Have you asked yourself why this bothers you? Why you feel the need to pick this person out in particular and put her down in this way?

You never know someone else’s life and what really goes on for them. Try walking a mile,8M; her shoes and you would see things differently. Single parenting is not just about how easy or difficult it might be to work, or how involved an ex may be. Lots of people have already pointed out the obvious so I won’t do it again.

But please, leave this woman alone. You’re not her friend.

I am not a lone parent but I think YABU. It has to be very hard, even with support.

I don’t think you can judge any single parent, you don’t know how lonely they may be or what other issues they have going on in their lives.

I’ve been a single parent for 5 years, my ex isn’t that involved with the dc, both my dc are disabled. Most of the time it’s all great, other times it’s so lonely, the evenings are hard once dc are in bed, I don’t have child care so can not just go out and socialise, I miss not having someone to talk to about the dc’s or just general chit chat in the evenings. You don’t know if this lady feels the same?

Seriously why do you want your friend to have it bad?
You sound mean. It's none of your business.
I am sure there will be many things that you don't know about - as it should be.

IME everyone likes to think that they are busier & more stressed than the next person.

I dont really see your point OP. I think if it was my friend I'd just be glad she has support! It's still her doing homework every night, cooking them dinner every night, dealing with most of their issues, getting them up and organised and out to school every single day. Her ex taking the kids at the weekend means she probably still does 99pc of the mental load stuff, has all the shitty sorting out of stuff to do in the week, but doesnt get the fun bits at the weekends. Seems a bit like the worst of both worlds to me?

To he honest me and my husband are together and work, have support and still find it bloody hard and exhausting

yes @Tumbleweed101
"It’s not like one can make dinner and one can help with homework, it’s all down to you."
its absolutely this. Your time is constantly split and it is the kids who ultimately miss out on adult interaction and supervision as there is no practical way to be in 2 places at the same time unfortunately. I am sick of having to drag one child to something that only involves the other and have to be very selective at what we attend for that reason, to the detriment often of not being able to go to things that would be of benefit to one of the kids. But you have to be selective on when asking for favours and have to save them for emergencies. It is this constant juggle and feeling like I am always letting someone down or having to ask a favour that is really wearing me down after 6 and a half years as a lp now (ex not involved at all, no maintenance)

Wow! Some friend you are!
Single parenting is hard! So hard! She has no-one to help pick up the slack, no-one to help when she's not feeling well, she probably has to carry the whole mental load of parenting on her own.

She doesn't get to do the fun weekend stuff with her kids, she just has the mundane bedtimes, early mornings, homework, ironing uniforms etc. I take my hat off to all single parents, we're awesome and work harder than anyone realises at bringing up our kids alone

Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

Yes. They are a couple. Two people doing the day to day stuff and doing all the organising. Two people having to think of everything.

Obviously some couples have one useless half who is shit at organising but, in a sweeping generalisation, two people are usually better than one for halving the "work load" of daily life.

It's isn't a competition.

You are not her friend OP.

If only 'childfree' time made all the difference to the mental load a SP carries. No wonder she empathises with other SPs, at least they 'get' that. YOU seem to be the one making it a competition

I'm torn on this. She might be lonely, OTOH she might love her child free weekends. Lots of people aren't chilling out on Saturday having fun with their kids - they are working or doing household chores because they are busy all week. For many parents the weekend is just more of the same - washing, cooking, making kids do their homework. Yes, there are fun times but not all the time. This woman might be having a blast with her mates, while other women are minding their kids because their husbands bugger off and do hobbies!

She might not have all the mental load, if her parents and ex are very involved with the child. And there is only one child?
Being a single parent in the sense that you have no partner, is not the same as being a lone parent, where the child gets nothing from the nrp.
But she might really struggle without her DC at the weekend - I know I would hate it.

Wow, thanks for the responses. Of course I don't want her to have it worse than she already does and of course it is very hard doing it all yourself with two young kids.
It would just be nice if she was a bit more positive about her own situation when taking to others in our who are clearly struggling much more than her.

So she never has a weekend with her kids?
She sometimes swaps things round with her ex so she can spend a Saturday with her kids when she wants to do a planned activity, its not set in stone, just the usual arrangement.

She is actually seeing someone else too - sorry I missed this point (who she usually sees when the kids are not around) so her evenings and weekends aren't lonely as such.

But points taken. Honestly I'm not usually this judgy!

Does it really matter?! Comparison is the thief of joy

It is hard being a single parent even if you have help from the dad and grandparents.
If she doesn’t see them on weekends she’s doing all the hard and shit bits of parenting on her own but doesn’t get to do any fun stuff with them.
Doing the mid week stuff alone is hard! Dinner, bedtimes, cleaning up with no help gets draining. It’s lonely as well.
It’s stressful having to manage a home and finances on your own.
On the outside people probably say the same about me and I put a brave face on it. It’s really not how you think it is!

My dh works away from home Monday to Friday so I have full responsibility for the kids in that time, just as she does.

I would never say this is the same, but I do know this is hard. My DH regularly works away and we have no local family support, so quite often it all falls on me during the week. Of course it's exhausting! But I wasn't comparing my own situation, I was was saying maybe she should think before playing the martyr to other single parents who without a doubt have it much tougher than someone whose DH works away.

So she does all the domestic slog during the week, getting kids fed, watered out to school etc (on top of working full time herself) but doesn’t get any chill time with them at weekends? That sounds odd and quite sad really, I don’t envy that set up.

This is my life actually. Ex-DH pays nothing, and I've just found out that I have to pay him a (tiny) bit of child support to cover additional food costs on weekends!

I spend my weekends working because I can't get enough done during the week due to child care.

It's pretty shit really.

Some people like to appear like martyr to make themselves more important, not much you can do.

Just smile and ignore, if they need to go into a misery competition, you really don't need to join in.

I was was saying maybe she should think before playing the martyr to other single parents who without a doubt have it much tougher than someone whose DH works away

Or you know maybe just sometimes it’s ok for her to want a moan?

Or are we saying there’s a hierarchy and one can only have a moan if someone deems the situation worthy enough?

poor woman. Being discussed on an Internet forum by her friend.

poor woman. Being discussed on an Internet forum by her friend.

I know! If I found out somebody had been discussing me like this - for no reason, just because she felt irked by me - I don't know how I'd feel.

TBH with my life as it is right now it might send me over the edge. And you'd never know from seeing me in my day-to-day life.

You don't sound very I

Sorry premature post!
You don't sound like a very good friend to this person op.
Why do you feel the need to compare?