To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

poor woman. Being discussed on an Internet forum by her friend.

A divorced mother of 2 working school hours - pretty sure her identity is very safe here
By the sound of it, she is one of these people who loves being the centre of attention anyway!

Yanbu

I have a friend who's a single parent...very similar set up. Both sets of grandparents and extended family and her ex is heavily involved.

She doesn't complain to be fair.

She has lots of child free holidays, mini breaks, night out etc

I'm not a single parent but we have little family support....and no grandparents. I'd say my life on a whole is harder and parenting is more intense for me.

However, I wouldn't swap. I'd still rather be in a happy relationship than by myself regardless of other factors.

Hmm. On the face of it I would say YABU, however, I have two friends who are SP and their situations could not be more different.

Friend A's DH buggered off with one of her friends and takes no interest in their three young DC's - he's moved 150 miles away. Pays the minimum amount he can get away with, she's responsible for mortgage, childcare, bills, all outgoings - everything. She works full time and is exhausted emotionally, physically and mentally. She also has no family nearby and very little help aside from us as friends who help as much as we can, although she hates to ask.

Friend B - amicable split, ex H very involved with their child (as, of course, he should be). He pays all the bills and mortgage while living back at his mums (who is also happy to help with childcare whenever needed), friend B works three mornings a week. They have a 50/50 agreement also he pops in most nights to see her. I like B very much but I know it absolutely grates on friend A when she compares their two situations as the 'same'. When in fact they are very very different.

Being a SP is never, ever going to be easy, but it's untrue to say that some situations are not more difficult than others. I've also been a SP and my situation was draining and exhausting, but most definitely easier than friend A's.

@ThatMuppetShow how on earth did you deal that conclusion from the op?

Did you draw

Motherhood is flipping hard regardless. My group of friends includes single parents, working mums, stay at home mums - what we all unspokenly agreed is that friendship is about supporting someone with whatever is hard in their life, accepting it as the truth of their experience and never comparing ourselves. Women can be amazingly supportive or really tear each other down. Accept it feels hard to her, let her moan and give her a hug. There is always someone better off and worse off. She is an individual and entitled to her feelings.

I've been a single parent under less than optimal conditions. To be honest she's pulled off some great moves to live her life as smoothly as possible, kudos. I found one thing easier as a single parent and that was I made some pretty cold, uncompromising decisions to get things working for my children and me. Because I could that's probably where your life differs, you have to compromise with a partner. Now I am married,.my husband works away and many jobs are closed to me as my husband''s hours and whole pattern of work in so completely unreliable. Which is frustrating I have to compromise. But as pay offs go I'd rather have someone who cares, listens and shares my life with me and I only get that half the year face to face! Still easier than being an sp most of the time!

When you go home after a shit day, you have your dh there to complain to. To make dinner/put the kids to bed/make you a drink/talk everything though with. When you have to make difficult decisions you have support and help in making those

I think you may have a rosy view of the home life of many I work early, pick the kids up do dinner homework etc, then bath and bedtime then need to work again in the evening. This is rubbish and I’m looking to change it.

Additionally, although sometimes it’s good to have someone else to make the decisions with, that in itself can involve a lot of negotiation and compromise. Tiring in itself.

Everyone’s lives are different, and how you react to that prob depends on your personality (eg whether you like being in control etc)

I can understand the points the OP makes but wouldn’t waste too much time thinking about it!

**Some people like to appear like martyr to make themselves more important, not much you can do.

Just smile and ignore, if they need to go into a misery competition, you really don't need to join in.**

^Your friend obviously likes to play the single mother card. Let her carry on

Yay another post pitting women against each other.

Yup, piece of cake. I'm a single parent (of one, not two). For the last three days I've been down with a nasty cold. Nothing so serious, but I do feel completely drained and shitty, can't breathe with a blocked constantly runny nose, drowsy and achy.

Ok, I guess you could say I have it 'easy' as I work from home (I've created this myself, so no thanks to anyone). But despite that, I still have to work and fulfil orders (rather physical work), as my customers are not going to wait because I have a cold. And as I'm alone, no one to help me, if I don't work - we don't eat. It's as simple as that. I could be lying dying, I still have to do it, the rent is not going to pay itself.

On top of that, I have to do all the normal duties. My child is 7, so I have to walk her to school/back, prepare uniform, get groceries, cook dinner, etc etc. No one's going to stop schooling and stop eating just because I'm sick.

Today is her Halloween disco (I'm in Wales, half term is next week). So clothing, makeup, taking her there and back. Sure, I could NOT take her, but I know she wants to go desperately and would be really upset to skip it, so I'll take her.

Everything needs to be done. I'd like nothing more than have a cuppa, lie down and sleep for 2 days to feel better. Yet I'm a single grownup, there's absolutely nobody else, I HAVE to take care of everything. All the financial stuff, bills, food, etc, all the emotional needs. Sick or healthy, rain or shine, every single day, no 'vacation'.

Ok, her dad buggered off, doesn't help and doesn't pay anything. Your friend has a better ex, so it's a plus somewhat. But even if I'd have a good decent ex, what would he do? Weekends? Sure. But today is Thursday, for example. He couldn't drop everything and run to me in the middle of week because I'm sick, could he?

Maybe your friend has it a bit easier than other single parents. And GOOD FOR HER! I couldn't get worked up over it and begrudge her these small things. Just because this woman isn't completely suffering doesn't mean she has it 'easy'. And just because she has someone to help her, doesn't mean there are no other issues you don't know about.

OP I don't think you're judgey, or comparing, it's just a lazy retort to the question/observation you have.

I was a single mother for years. And it was unbelievably easy. DS had no contact with my ex either. I worked hard, played hard, dated, had a great support network from my parents. DS has Sen, which has been tricky at times, and I can say that overall it was never a struggle....BUT....

I know many single parents have a very different experience. Some SP have exceptional hardship. Some have idiot ex's who make every day a pain in the ass. I would never have been so belittling and cheeky to nod along as if my inability to take 4 holidays instead of 3 was because it's so hard for poor little me being a single parent. On the flip side, my friend whines and whines about how hard she has it. And she does at face value, purely because she's not willing to do anything to change that. It's almost like she enjoys wallowing.

I would be equally about someone in my (previous) single parent position complaining about how hard it was, as I would be at my friend complaining how impossible it was, when she had ten ways to make her life easier/better but found nonsensical excuses not too.

I don't think YABU. Your friend has support from her ex, her parents and her partner. That's more than most couples get. She may not like having each weekend child free but perhaps she does as presumably she agreed to that with her ex. To make up for it she does have 12 or 13 weeks of holiday with them so it balances out.
If she has a partner she's not lonely and it sounds like she just wants to make people feel sorry for her.
Some are saying you're not a good friend, I disagree. Sometimes our friends annoy us and we're allowed to moan about it. When people come on here moaning about their partners no one says it makes them a bad wife/husband. This is the same thing.

I think you should really try not to judge.

I get a lot of comments about how easy and great my life is. I work part time school hours, I am married to dh who earns well, on the face of it grandparents help us out (which they do). I've had some terrible comments, once I said I was tired at work and someone scoffed and asked how can I possibly be tired.

What people don't see is that I have struggled with crippling depression and anxiety, I had a terrible childhood with parents with addiction and now my parents have bad health problems, I was in an abusive relationship years ago that still impacts on me and many days I'm a nervous wreck, but I paint on a smile and keep going.

I count my blessings, but I find life hard.

It isn't a competition.

I understand why people are saying not to judge, but I do think the friend would need to be a little bit self aware when it comes to how they discuss this with other single parents. There's s fine line. I say this after working in a company where there were a lot of single parents - the company had a good rep for being family friendly hours (third sector, the pay was low so they had to find other ways of attracting good staff). This was an inner city workplace where lots of the staff had had really tough starts in life - had been teen parents, DV, families who couldn't help them etc. One girl talked a lot about her single parent struggle, she'd gone to uni and dropped out after a suprise pregnancy. So to her peers she was quite young to have a baby, but not in the context of that workplace. Lots of daily conversations in the office generally about scrimping, finding offers, worries about waiting to payday, worries about benefits (most were in receipt of top up benefits due to low wages/pt hours).

Anyway, one day another conversation about a benefits issue. This girl pipes up about saving her income support. Another person gets a bit defensive as she hasn't saved and finds it really difficult to. Girl gets a bit sanctimonious about saving. Few sidelong glances and a few more questions , turns out she saves ALL of her income support. Starts to get a bit defensive herself and acts a bit goady to the others for not being careful enough to save.
One very nice and patient woman decides to share her outgoings and break it down to this girl why she cant save much, suggesting she's not unusual (fwiw, having to pay rent top ups was common)

Turns out the girl was living in a house that parents had bought for her outright when she had the surprise baby, somehow she'd got housing benefit to rent it from them but they had provided it fully furnished AND were unofficially charging her only what her housing benefit paid. And paying her an allowance each week that she lived off. Apparently it's quite easy to save your IS when it's not your actual income and your accommodation costs are covered. As well as your childcare costs because it turned out that grandparents had the child every single school holiday, without question.

There's sharing the mental load of single parenthood, and there's being a tourist!

I feel like a weirdo because noone here has mentioned the part of single parenting I find hardest, sometimes impossible, to deal with. It's the heartbreak, the devastating sadness of my lifelong dream of a happy family falling apart.

It's really hard to process grief when there's no other adult to have the dc so you can go and cry. I adored xh and still do. I feel the loss of him in my heart every hour of every day, and that's after 3 years and a lot of counselling.

Not every single mum feels this way but I can't be the only one?

Your friend obviously likes to play the single mother card

Dammit I haven't been issued with one of those. What benefits does it come with?

Should I dress in sackcloth and ashes to meet the "yes you're enough of a single parent to qualify" part of the application process?

Agreed. The kids' Dad is around and playing a role.

Yay another post pitting women against each other

So?! Who gives a shit? Just because you're a woman it doesn't mean you can never have an opinion about another woman.

It sounds kind of lonely tbh, especially the weekends. It may not seem to physically demanding (though I still find Mon-Fri quite tiring if DH has gone away for work) but I imagine there are still mental challenges. She may not have it harder than other SPs but it's still not a life I'd prefer so I wouldn't judge her.

It's not a competition.

@fotheringhay

I feel like a weirdo because noone here has mentioned the part of single parenting I find hardest, sometimes impossible, to deal with. It's the heartbreak, the devastating sadness of my lifelong dream of a happy family falling apart

That's so sad to hear.

As I mentioned in my previous post...I'd say my single mum friend has a far easier life than me in terms of parenting...but l wouldn't swap as my relationship is far more important to me than childfree weekends and nights out.

Your friend obviously likes to play the single mother card

Dammit I haven't been issued with one of those. What benefits does it come with?

don't know, ask the people who actually use it?

She has to work all day and then come home and cook and clean and care for her children alone. You have a partner who you can split that with. I think anyone who works all day and cares for a child all night is doing great whether it is a single mum or a mum whose husband works away. Other people may have it harder but I don't think she has it easy.

Thanks formerbabe I probably loved him too much really. I'm working on letting it go