To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

But I guess that only applies if you are on benefits? Also, how would they know unless someone grasses them up....

I think there's nothing wrong to emphasise and put into words to share with a fellow parent. There is something very comforting to hear words ...'I understand .... being a single parent'. I would think good of your friend to have the support and well done to keep it.

Look, everyone has their own version of hardship. It doesn't make it any less. How about being a friend and say well done and just leave it at that?

Yes you are right it does only apply if you are in receipt of benefits which if you have more than one child, childcare to pay and earn anything equal or than an average salary then is most single parents.
I have been falsely reported numerous times for various frauds, I presume my ex, or nosey neighbour who kept asking me who the various men coming and going were. - My brothers, my dad, my friends husband all helping with DIY, housesitting, etc. You never know who it is or how they know but they asked me who the man was that stayed for a week (my brother cat sitting).

I think there's nothing wrong to emphasise and put into words to share with a fellow parent. There is something very comforting to hear words ...'I understand .... being a single parent'. I would think good of your friend to have the support and well done to keep it

I think you’ve nailed why these threads keep coming up.

It’s the attitude that cohabiting parents can’t possibly understand or empathise with a single parent. They can’t possibly know how hard it is, whatever their problems they still have someone to share the mental load etc etc. Same as the angst around having a partner who works away, still not allowed to empathise or say they know how you feel because it’s not the same, there is a partner even if they aren’t there 80% of the time.

I’ve not been a lone parent. But I am the child of one.

It turns into us/them. Of course I can understand you are lonely, you are struggling without a sounding board, whatever. Just as LP can understand how horrific living with Dv is for example- they wouldn’t say at least you have a partner.

It is possible to understand and empathise with others. The idea that all LP are skint, lonely and miserable is just wrong, and you can be just as skint, lonely and miserable in a relationship.

If we acknowledged that everyone is different and not all LP have it tough, no one would feel the need to point it out. But always if you describe a LP with a seemingly lovely life, posters rush to say how hard it is and LP is always harder than having a partner. Like a partner is some sort of holy grail for a perfect life.

i know single parents who love their lives. It isn’t always harder being a LP, and I think that’s the point.

Well yes,and that probably because parenting as a couple is a very different creature than parenting alone!

Whats difficult to see about that?

OP is out of order to be so mean about a friend having a moan because shes parenting her dc alone (as a parent).

Her job, jer money, her lifestyle are all potentially going to make her life easier or harser in some.aspects, but ahe still parents alone.

This is not comparable with a dv analogy

Some couples have problems,and those who have absent fathers/OH shouldnt project that only being like a single parent,but deal with their couples issues, which may lead to co parenting of course from separate homes, and becoming a lone parent.

Anyone who feels alone in parenting as a couple needs to look to their set up and wonder if this is reallly what they want or are happy with.

Its not reasonable to shut down a single dm having a moan about difficulties just because shes judged for having DGPs who help out.

It does not take the place of parenting with the father in the home as a couple.

Why try undermining single parents? They need support, as do all families and people.

That is so shit Raspberry. How horrible being under a microscope this way with people waiting to jump on you and continually peering into your private life to try to catch you out. What IS the matter with some people.

And see again, defence that Lp is harder.

Nobody’s shutting LP down. I just don’t get this logic that if someone points out that a LP has a nice life there are immediate shouts of no she can’t possibly have a good life without a partner to share the burden.

Anyone who feels alone in parenting as a couple needs to look to their set up and wonder if this is reallly what they want or are happy with

Exactly. Being a LP is often a better choice than a bad relationship. Or we wouldn’t have so many LP. So why the insistence LP are worse off than those with a partner?

Some fathers are utterly crap and parenting is easier without them.

I don’t get why LP insist their lives are so hard due to no partner. Even if they won the lottery, it’s shit with no one to share it with.

I didn’t say it was comparable with Dv, i said a LP can understand DV is terrible, even if they don’t have a partner.

Why is a LP allowed to moan how hard she has it, yet those with a partner aren’t? Like a said, someone with a partner who works on the abroad dares mention how tough they find it to a friend also gets a post on here from a LP with AIBU but she’s got nothing to complain about, she’s not a LP, she has a partner..

Being a parent is tough. We can empathise and support without it being a competition.

Well yes. Of course.

Single parenting isn't dual parenting. It just isnt, no matter what other factors are at play.

Its obvious its very different, and missing everything that having both parents parenting has.

Why are you saying that couples can't moan about their partners?

MN is literally riddled with people moaning about their partners

I don't think I've seen any thread ever of a.women moaning about her absent ex and a response being well you dont have it so bad as single parents!!

Just like never!

Never seen it.

You however, do seem to be making this about shutting down single parents who want to moan by saying oh but what about us poor couples.

They don't compare. Stop trying to say it's the same. Its not.

Thats really not an argument.

I imagine you may have come across this problem if you've taken that approach when hearing a woman moan about their partner!

Why are you saying that couples can't moan about their partners

I didn’t.

But there have been many AIBU along the lines of “met a woman today who’s partner is working abroad/in the army/hasn’tbseen him for 3 months and she said she felt like a LP! AIBU to say she can’t possibly know what it’s like?”

Not much different to the o/p in my mind. Bitching about a percieved comparison.

People have it tough.

I just don’t get this logic that if someone points out that a LP has a nice life there are immediate shouts of no she can’t possibly have a good life without a partner to share the burden

No. The point is, it’s not up to you - or anyone else - to point out that a LP ‘has a nice life’. You can’t possibly know how anyone feels or how difficult someone maybe finding life at any given time.

The simple fact of the matter is that there are people arguing here that life in a couple is hard and giving X, Y and Z scenario to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt in their mind that single parenting is a doddle. We are all allowed to have a moan about whatever is going on for us. What irks me is that people like the OP - who claim to be good friends - are judging someone situation and then bitching about them on the Internet. Good friends don’t do that. And good friends recognise that life can be hard for everyone at times.

@Smotheroffive it is just another illustration in my opinion of the attitudes toward single parenting. You can't have a life if you're a single parent.

And the army wife analogy doesn't work either, yes it's a whole other kind of hell. however they knew when they made the decision to have have children that is what they signed up for. They do still have the financial stability, probably a house on a base with all the other wives. Knowing that in x amount of weeks their partner will be home.

Most single parents didn't sign up for 100% of the resposibility for the child they thought they were going 50:50 on.

Totally agree Raspberry

Some try to say parenting alone is the same as parenting in a couple.

Well if it is then you're not actually in a couple

I did know I would parent alone from the day I told the boys dad. He ssid he didnt want to be a dad and wouldnt be around for them and me. I sent him a text when they were born letting him know and ge responded ‘Congratulations’. That was all I heard from him till they were 6.

I don't get all the anger around marital/relationship status.
Who cares?
I dont.
I hear some parents moan and I think, you don't know you are born , but I would never say that to them.
When my dcs were born I was married and we had nobody to care for the dcs when we returned to work.
We did use childcare but it was very expensive and thin on the ground. Absolutely no state help in terms of cost of availability.
I was envious of others who's parents didn't work and offer plentiful, freechildcare, it certainly made their lives much easier.
I did so much.
I was either out working or at home looking after young dcs and doing virtually all the housework including decorating and shopping.
Eventually due to childcare, I have up work and became a sahm.
It wasn't ideal and I missed not working.
I would have loved to have worked a few hours a week for my own sanity.
Anyway I became a single parent and although the correct thing to do, it was horrendous.
Dealing with the dcs alone was unbelievably difficult.
No back up at all when teenagers argued and refused point blank to do what They were asked. No back up with taking dcs to colleage, interviews or anything.
Just me.
It was hard and I object to people saying it isnt.
I'm not single now and my dcs live my dh, but it will never take away the pain and hurt they have suffered from having an absent father.

Don't ever minimise the effects a bad parent has on soneone, no matter how old they are.

“ Being a parent is tough. We can empathise and support without it being a competition.”

I agree. Some single parents, as in the op, have good set-ups with involved ex’s, grandparents, no financial worries etc, and some don’t.

Some coupled mother’s have good support from dps, grandparents, no financial worries etc, and some don’t.

In both camps, some people struggle, and some don’t.

Simple as that.

I’m a single parent. I would prefer to be married and in a happy stable relationship. I hate sharing my kids with their dad. My kids hate having to be shared. They would prefer parents who were together. Single parenthood isn’t as great as it looks.

Yanbu, but outside appearances are not always true.

I have know people who are parenting in a so called couple but have it harder.

I would find the money aspect and working full time hard. ( Single parent SAH carer)

Life may look easy from the outside as I don't go out to work, but two disabled children are very hard work, and it seems I have at least one of their conditions which makes me knackered all the time. But others have the same and less support and have to work.

There is always someone worse off, appearances are deceptive, not everyone is able to cope with the same level of difficulties through no fault of their own....