To think this single parent has it relatively easy?

[coffeeforone]

A close friend constantly reminds me and others that she is a 'single parent' and how difficult it is for her and other SPs, I apparently have it so much easier as there are two of us. May be true, but in reality I think she has no idea how easy her life is. She has two primary aged kids (so SN) and works full time in the school that her kids go to, term time only so childcare is not an issue. If she wants to earn extra cash she can help out at wraparound clubs and the school doesn't charge for her kids to attend.

Her ExDH is a great dad which she admits herself, he financially supports her and collects kids every Friday from school and keeps them until Sunday midday, so both her weekend evenings and all day Saturday are completely free for her to do as she likes. She also has two sets of youngish GPs who she is on good terms with and will drop everything to take the kids whenever she asks (say they are off school sick or she has a work commitment/parents evening).

However, If she encounters other lone parents she will always empathise with them 'I know exactly how you feel, it's really hard doing it 'all alone', etc, etc). I just feel she doesn't have it that bad and it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for the other person when they realise her setup! Am I missing something that would make her life much harder than say a couple with two young kids?

I disagree. YABVU.

Being a single parent isn't just about managing the practicalities of day to day life, it is about bearing the full burden of responsibility for everything alone, having to make decisions on your own, etc etc.

What’s the old saying? With friends like you...
YABU. She spends all week physically and mentally looking after the children on her own. She doesn’t get any fun time on weekends to spend with them.

Do you have a lot of close friends you don’t actually like?

Admit it,you are jealous of her set up.

I'm torn on this one. I'm a single parent although my exh is very involved, he has DS on overnights and pays me good maintenance, I also live close to family members who are always willing to help out. I work school hours too although I do work in the holidays as it's an office job.

But it's still a case of having to run a household on one income (I get good maintenance but it's not the same amount as having a second income), and all the housework/cooking is still done by me. I have no one to do little things like make me a cuppa when I feel tired, exh's job is very inflexible so it is always me who has to take time off if DS is ill, arrange holiday childcare and go to all school events, do all the travelling to school and extra curriculars.

I have it a lot easier than lone parents who have no help at all, and even some married women who have crappy DHs. I know that and I would never pretend that my life is harder. But I still have my own set of problems.

You honestly don't sound like much of a friend!

As other posters have said, the very worst thing about being a single parent is that burden of responsibility and no one to share it with.
Sounds like she has a pretty tough week- full time job and then back to homework, bath, bed, get stuff laid out for tomorrow and then no fun time with the DCs at the weekend.

Maybe try to be a bit nicer rather than come on to an internet forum to criticise another woman's life?

Can't measure someone's misery. Do you really need to play top trumps who has it harder? Does it really matter?

I am a single parent; o would definitely say that she has it easier than many including me. (No family around, alcoholic ex, SEN dCs). But it’s hard for many of us; even in a relationship. Mind you if she was my friend that would wind me up I’m afraid.

Oh my goodness, why would anyone have the energy to have this sentiment? I have a friend who’s a single parent and once I asked her If she found it hard and she said the hardest thing was not having someone to share her son’s experiences and milestones. It broke my heart. My mother was a single parent and I know that aside from the practical difficulties it was tough having to make all the decisions, have no one for moral support, and pretty lonely actually. Don’t be so mean spirited.

The mental load is tough and it’s hard financially - even with a job - as these days the cost of everything only works easily with two wages coming into a household. Even when you have people to help you still feel bad for asking too often. Family days out aren’t the same without another adult to share it with, I find them lonely. The burden of guilt is high too because you don’t want to give them constant attention after a day at work but you haven’t got another adult to share that with. It’s not like one can make dinner and one can help with homework, it’s all down to you.

Im in a similar set up insomuch as I have flexible work, sufficient money and decent xh but it's not a picnic by any means. It's lonely and overwhelming at times. I get scared in the middle of the night sometimes when I know it's all on me for the vast majority of the time. XH is a good dad but he's happily outsourced all the detail to me. Dentists to school uniform, haircuts, hobbies, homework... Without another parent sharing the load or just having another person/pair of hands every day it is hard work.

Both parents should be equally responsible. I wonder if her 'great' ex would swap places with her given the choice?

Being a single parent is hard enough without smug halves of couples just whether you’re single-parent enough.

Why a race to the bottom?

You don’t sound like much of a friend.

While she may appear to have a supportive ex, you really have no idea.

She does all the day to day stuff but none of the fun weekend stuff with her kids.

Doing as you please Fri and Sat isn’t the be all and end all. She is probably very lonely. It can be shit not having adult company at home and being responsible for everything day to day. Not as shit as being in a bad relationship don’t get me wrong but still shit.

YABU.

I have a friend who has this arrangement. The ex picks up her DD on Friday after school and drops her back to school Monday morning.

She freely admits its the only thing keeping her sane as effectively she only has the mental load Tues-Thurs.

It really works for her cos she has a really vibrant social life at the weekends and gets to go on weekends away with friends etc.

She got a lot of housing benefit and stuff.

There were so many times I envied her.

I agree OP that she's not necessarily worse off than people with husbands. When my children were little, I had all the mental load, didn't have any support, had to organise all the childcare issues, did really everything child-related. All the night time waking, putting to bed, organising baby sitting, teaching them to swim, cycle, toilet training, everything. I did all the housework and cooking/washing etc. And for several years I worked part time too. I also did all the care when they were ill too.And looked after husband's emotional needs/put up with his temper etc.

My husband worked and that was it.

My family were always going on about how hard my lone parent sister had it and helped her with childcare and not me. She had a more engaged ExH, and a partner who took her out and about. I'm not saying that she had a better deal, just that it's more complicated than all lone parents have it harder than all parents with partners.

And yes I shouldn't have put up with it but if you've been brought up to feel your needs don't count, you don't realise how unfair it is.

Tbh it sounds like she has the raw end of the deal - mornings and evenings Mon to Thurs with the dc in amongst ft work and school duties (homework, uniform prep etx), while Ex gets relaxed weekends, no real commitments, fun.

She seems to have a great support network, with parents and her ex. But it doesn't sound enjoyable at all. And no one to talk to and share feelings on weeknights.

She may be lonely op, no adult company, long evenings

And all the school holidays, no time to herself then

I sort of agree tbh. My SIL is a single parent martyr. She goes on and on, you would think she was the original and only single parent. She has a lot of support from bith sides of her family and literally spends half her life on holiday w/o her child. I think it is a bit of a slap in the face to single parents who actually struggle..

So she never has a weekend with her kids?

I like it when one kid is playing up at bedtime and DH can take over and give them a change of scene that moves everything along (or vice versa).

Or when I can nip to get milk and bread for the morning once they are all in bed.

Or someone can proof read my CV when I apply for a job in the evening.

Or someone can take older kids trampolining on a bank holiday, leaving me to have a coffee with the baby and tidy up.

Or when me and DH are eating our dinner and chatting and that creates an adult vibe so the kids sit at the table nicely and join in and it's a real dinner time not feeding time at the toddler zoo.

Or when I tidy out the kids clothes and feel a sense of achievement and he hacks back the garden and feels likewise, and we each get to avoid the jobs we find tedious.

There are so many tiny things that make a second adult invaluable. Obviously as long as they are nice & pull their weight- but yes I'd say a functional couple is much easier than two single households to run.

YABVU. And as others have said you’re not much of a friend. I’m a single parent and I consider myself relatively lucky because many of my circumstances make my life as a single parent easier, but my life being not as hard as it is for other single parents doesn’t mean that I like it. I’m constantly worried about things that couples in relationships probably wouldn’t even consider, my heart breaks every time my DD goes off to her dads house, and every little change in routine is accompanied by a mad panic to make sure I can make it work.
Having things in place which make your life as a single parent slightly less of a grind isn’t comparable at all.

YANBU, but mn tends not to agree with you. I have friends in similar situation.

Each situation, since parents or married/coupled parents have their own set of troubles, and you can’t assume that a single parent always has it worst than the the married couple, or vice versa. It’s not a game of top trumps.

I wouldn't judge her setup, and I'm sure there are hard moments for everybody. However, competitive suffering really gets on my nerves.