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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to switch my day off for colleague?

210 replies

StartupRepair · 23/10/2019 09:14

My colleague lives a couple of hours flight from her DC who are 18 and 21. They live with their dad and she flies to see them every couple of months. She is due to go to see them this weekend. She has just heard that her DD has a fracture in her foot and is feeling down. Colleague would like to stay away for a week to spend more time with her DD. However colleague is booked in to do a piece of work on one of the days. Currently only she or I know how to deliver this and the date cannot be changed. (It is a 1 day course with 15 people booked in). She has asked me to cover for her.
I work 4 days and this is my day off. I have been flexible with this day on many occasions and have swapped it to help out others. I am really trying to hold the line on no longer swapping it around. On the actual day my colleague wants cover I have booked lunch with 2 dear friend s. It has literally taken us 6 months to find a day that we could all meet.
I am a bit of a reliable workhorse type and my colleague has a bit of a chaotic life. I am sympathetic to her wanting to spend time with her DD but I am also learning to be protective of my day off.
AIBU not to swap?

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 23/10/2019 21:54

Anyway, I would be kind. It's nice to be nice. There can never be too much kindness.
RTFT. The OP has explained that she has "been kind" many times for colleagues at work. It doesn't sound as if many of them have been particularly appreciative, either.

But that's just me. Good for you.

Vanhi · 23/10/2019 21:58

Anyway, I would be kind. It's nice to be nice. There can never be too much kindness.

It does need to be reciprocated, otherwise you're just denying your own needs and wants in favour of everyone else's. In short, you are allowed to be kind to yourself as well as everyone else. And it's a kindness to the OP's friends to stick to the lunch date that they took 6 months to plan.

ForalltheSaints · 23/10/2019 22:00

I think YANBU not to swap. Just be polite about it. I think that also you both should be getting others able to do what the important course is, as no good company should be in this situation.

BrokenWing · 23/10/2019 22:05

Just tell her you are really sorry, as she knows usually you would, but you have long standing plans for that day which you can't change this time.

CallmeAngelina · 23/10/2019 22:08

Anyway, if she wants to extend her stay, why can't she do it the week before the weekend in question? Or take a couple of days either side of it, say Thursday to Tuesday (depending which day the work commitment is).

bakesalesally · 23/10/2019 22:09

@BigChocFrenzy that's just what I would do.

But I prefer to be nice.

Am not a pushover by any stretch of the imagination but this isn't a hair dressers appointment.

I guess I just value somethings and being kind is one of them

bakesalesally · 23/10/2019 22:22

@CallmeAngelina and @Vanhi

I have rtft.

I also live away from family and can appreciate that sometimes you just need to be there, even if others don't perceive it as a need or prioritize it.

Snotty replies when I am just stating being kind wont impact that much on OPS life isn't necessary. We all love according to our limits.

I just happen to think that this thread is incredibly sad.

CallmeAngelina · 23/10/2019 22:27

It is not the OP's responsibility to prioritise her colleague's desire to be there when it directly impacts her own plans to "just be there" with her own circle. And this colleague can be there for her daughter; just not quite as long as she would like. Or she could change the dates.

And the OP sounds as if she usually IS kind to her colleagues, but that this time, she is going to be kind to herself. Good for her!

bakesalesally · 23/10/2019 22:31

True it isn't the OP's responsibility.

And I am
Sure it sounds as if OP is. If I was writing this post, I would definitely want people to think I was.

And I am not saying that she isn't.

But it does sadden me that no one seems to cut anyone any slack any more.

Again, maybe it's just me. And the company I keep. But i think it's being unnecessarily unkind to not help out someone when you can.
And if my friends didn't understand, well, it would say more about them than it did about me.

But don't let me derail a thread.

Carry on telling OP that she is DNBU.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/10/2019 22:55

But being kind to the colleague means being unkind to Op’s friends. I had lunch with a friend today. To her it was probably no big deal - just a little treat in the middle of the day. But to me it was a big deal. I have had a really tough couple of days and thinking about this lunch has been my “thing to look forward to”. If it had been cancelled I’d have been really disappointed.

SoupDragon · 23/10/2019 22:57

But it does sadden me that no one seems to cut anyone any slack any more.

How about cutting the OP some slack and being kind to her?

Howyiz · 23/10/2019 23:11

Grin bakesalesally so you cast doubt about whether the OP is really nice because that would invalidate or lesson your martyrism! Hahaha!
You sound like a virtue signaller to me and that is most definitely not kind!

TheMaddHugger · 23/10/2019 23:13

((((Hugs)))) @Mumoftwoyoungkids hope it gets better for you 🌻

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/10/2019 23:43

@TheMaddHugger - thanks. I’ll be fine - just been a very long, very busy, half term. I’m very lucky really as I have next week off with the kids so that will be really nice.

BigChocFrenzy · 24/10/2019 00:25

Be kind when you can ... but you can't every tie, or you have no life of ypur own.

The op shouldn't be unkind to herself and also to the friends she's meeting,
who have tried for 6 months to get a lunch date that they can all manage

The OP has worked several times before on what should be her regular day off - not her leave - but this social commitment is very important to her

it's like demanding an OP works on a weekend, when they had something important planned and are only contracted Mon-Fri.

stucknoue · 24/10/2019 00:54

I would swop, I have similar aged kids and would drive across the country to help them out if they broke their foot. Unless the colleague has form for wanting flexibility but not offering it back of course

Original poster
StartupRepair · 24/10/2019 06:19

Update - I texted her as we were in different building s and just said I'm sorry but I can't swap days that week. Later I went to find her - she was fine about it and said ' I know you're always moving your day for people and you can't always do it.' this week I have actually already swapped to accommodate her.
Dripfeed 1. I am currently seeing a therapist who has questioned the high level of self sacrifice (her words) she sees in my life. A lot of my time seems to be involved with running around supporting family and friends. She will be thrilled that I said no. 2. This colleague does not put herself out for others.
Thanks for all your input. It was really helpful.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 24/10/2019 06:34

Jill&herspite response is perfect.

Oblomov19 · 24/10/2019 06:36

Just seen update. Learning how to say no is hard for some. Not for me! GrinWell done op, continue to hold firm!

Vanhi · 24/10/2019 06:50

I have rtft.

At no stage did I say you hadn't.

I also live away from family and can appreciate that sometimes you just need to be there, even if others don't perceive it as a need or prioritize it.

I live away from family. Whilst there are times when I'd love to be there, I don't expect everyone to change their life around to accommodate this.

Snotty replies when I am just stating being kind wont impact that much on OPS life isn't necessary.

I've reread my reply to you. I simply stated that the OP needed to be kind to herself and her friends as well as her colleague.

We all love according to our limits

True but you seem particularly keen to demonstrate that you love more than others and that somehow anyone not dropping everything for the colleague would not only be unkind, but rather less loving than you. As women we're trained to put our own needs last. As the OP is finding, this isn't always the right or kind thing to do.

And now I'm off out. Rescheduled my week to help out a friend and need to leave now. Do I get points or something?

Youseethethingis · 24/10/2019 06:57

Hark at @bakesalesally up high on her charger, polishing her halo and tutting at all us harridans who believe it is unhealthy for OP to be endlessly giving and lose what is important to her just because someone asked.
It’s not being “unnecessarily unkind” - OP can’t do it because she has long standing plans which are important to her.

swingofthings · 24/10/2019 06:57

Yes, massive dripfeed but glad that she accepted gracefully that you couldn't help on this occasion.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/10/2019 07:17

I’d have swapped too. The world is much nicer when people help each other out.

The lunch could be moved to the evening and if friends can’t accommodate another date unless six months later then I’d not be in a rush to rearrange anyway.

Original poster
StartupRepair · 24/10/2019 07:37

My friends and I are busy women with families and careers and responsibilities towards elderly parents. It is like a miracle when we can find time to enjoy each other's company.

OP posts:
bakesalesally · 24/10/2019 08:07

Wow, just wow. Someone goes against the grain and suddenly I'm up on a high horse?

Thanks for the laugh. Best crack on with 'polishing my halo'.

OP, glad everything worked out, and you feel better.

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