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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to switch my day off for colleague?

210 replies

StartupRepair · 23/10/2019 09:14

My colleague lives a couple of hours flight from her DC who are 18 and 21. They live with their dad and she flies to see them every couple of months. She is due to go to see them this weekend. She has just heard that her DD has a fracture in her foot and is feeling down. Colleague would like to stay away for a week to spend more time with her DD. However colleague is booked in to do a piece of work on one of the days. Currently only she or I know how to deliver this and the date cannot be changed. (It is a 1 day course with 15 people booked in). She has asked me to cover for her.
I work 4 days and this is my day off. I have been flexible with this day on many occasions and have swapped it to help out others. I am really trying to hold the line on no longer swapping it around. On the actual day my colleague wants cover I have booked lunch with 2 dear friend s. It has literally taken us 6 months to find a day that we could all meet.
I am a bit of a reliable workhorse type and my colleague has a bit of a chaotic life. I am sympathetic to her wanting to spend time with her DD but I am also learning to be protective of my day off.
AIBU not to swap?

OP posts:
walkintheparc · 23/10/2019 09:47

I personally would do it, as a favour, as long as it didn't hugely inconvenience me. It's nice to help people. But it would be on the understanding that she repeats if the situation were reversed (whether that's implied or clearly stated)

echt · 23/10/2019 09:47

What Dont said.

Do explain. Do not apologise.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 23/10/2019 09:47

@jillandhersprite has nailed it, that's a perfect response.

echt · 23/10/2019 09:47

Bollocks. Do not explain.

TinyTear · 23/10/2019 09:48

if you didn't have plans, would be a bit mean not to change, but as you have plans, just say, sorry, have plans that can't be changed

AskMeHow · 23/10/2019 09:55

Say no. It's not an emergency. It's unfortunate, but her daughter is an adult and I'm sure her dad can help if she needs anything.

I get the impression she has asked for favours of this sort before and you have got into the habit of saying yes and you've realised either it's not appreciated or you're inconveniencing yourself for things in your colleague's life that are not actually that essential.

What you must do though is say no as soon as you can, before she assumes you'll say yes and books her flights.

EssentialHummus · 23/10/2019 09:56

I agree with a PP re the following week - is that workable? YANBU.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 23/10/2019 09:57

I agree that you are under no moral obligation to swap.

You have something special arranged which you have worked towards regarding a date and venue, and which you are looking forward to.

If her DD were critically ill, I would say "Yes - swap" (Though if her DD were critically ill, I'm sure you wouldn't be on here asking, you'd be helping her pack!), but she's not. She's got a broken bone - painful but not life-threatening, she is not a small child - both DDs are adults, and she is still going to see them as usual, it's just that she would have liked more time with her DD - and nor is her DD on her own - she lives with two other adults .

It's unfortunate, but it can't be helped. You have a right to enjoy the company of your friends.

Tell her "No", as others have suggested, politely but firmly, and don't give any explanations. Your personal life is private.

DarlingNikita · 23/10/2019 09:58

YANBU. You can't let that lunch go or it'll be another six months!

What you must do though is say no as soon as you can, before she assumes you'll say yes and books her flights.
She can assume away; the OP can still say no.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/10/2019 09:58

If you had nothing particular planned I’d change your day so she could go. You do have plans, they’re hard to move, so you can’t do it.

Neome · 23/10/2019 10:01

YADNBU

Your dear friends need you and your company as much as your colleague's adult daughter needs her and her company. She will be visiting for at least 2 days. If you swap you will see your friends for 0 minutes.

If she wants to go for a longer period she could rearrange her plans for a week she doesn't have an unavoidable work commitment...

So the issue is really whether you can keep your commitment to yourself - personally I'm rubbish that way Wink

Waspnest · 23/10/2019 10:02

YANBU. You have plans which cannot easily be changed and I would tell her that. (Obviously you were under no obligation to help her out even if you didn't have plans but she needs to understand that her priorities don't trump yours. And anyway IMO family doesn't always come first.)

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 23/10/2019 10:02

I personally would do it, as a favour, as long as it didn't hugely inconvenience me. It's nice to help people. But it would be on the understanding that she repeats if the situation were reversed (whether that's implied or clearly stated)

But it is an inconvenience. Not only to the OP, but also to the two friends she’s arranged to have lunch with, who will have to rearrange their own plans and have also been waiting months to see OP.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/10/2019 10:03

Her dd has a broken leg, she has to fly out to see her

It's a fractured foot. The DD is an adult living with two other adults. Flying out early is 'nice to do', not essential.

DarlingNikita · 23/10/2019 10:04

You can easily change the lunch date
If you read the OP properly you'll see that it won't be easy.

GoodbyePiccadilly · 23/10/2019 10:05

This is really between your colleague and your employer. Just say no, sorry, you can't come in that day and leave it up to them to cancel or insist she comes in. It's easy in job situations to be handed the problem and accept it as yours. It isn't. It's hers and your employer's. You have been asked if you are free. You aren't. That's the end of your involvement.

Alanna1 · 23/10/2019 10:05

I would ask my two friends to see if there was another date in the near future. What goes around comes around. And if there isn’t, say no, I tried to rearrange for you and I can’t.

VincentVanGoughandhisear · 23/10/2019 10:07

Nope, nope and nope again.

Boysey45 · 23/10/2019 10:07

I'd just say I couldn't swap on this occasion as I had an important appointment and direct her to the overall manager for a solution.
I would have swapped if one of her kids was desperately ill but they aren't so they you have it.
Your life is important too OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/10/2019 10:09

YANBU, it's unfortunate but her DD is an adult, it's a fractured foot not an emergency

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 23/10/2019 10:10

Nope. Value your time.

She won't.

swingofthings · 23/10/2019 10:13

There is no right or wrong, you do what you want but my experience is that these decisions come back to you in the future and personally it was always paid off to do a kind gesture, even if it years down the line as you never know how you might need the gesture repaid.

If I were you, I would definitely have agreed to cover, her reasons are more than valid.

KitKat1985 · 23/10/2019 10:14

YANBU. Her daughter is an adult and a fractured foot is hardly life or death.

Just say 'sorry I have plans that I can't change for my day off' and leave it at that.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/10/2019 10:15

YANBU. I've been the 'reliable workhorse' in the past and I learned from bitter experience it takes very little time for people to start seeing your favour to them as something they're entitled to expect. You have a valid reason to nip this in the bud (although TBH, just not wanting to do it would be a valid reason - it's not as if your colleague isn't going to see her DD at all, nor is it as though the daughter is lying in an ICU) so make the most of it. I would probably say something like "you know from past experience I swap when I can, but I'm afraid I can't this time".

Depending on your office dynamic - is there a risk she'll force a late postponement of the course anyway and it'll somehow end up being your fault because you wouldn't swap?

Ohyesiam · 23/10/2019 10:18

As her child is an adult and you have plans, I think you’re in the right to say no.