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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to switch my day off for colleague?

210 replies

StartupRepair · 23/10/2019 09:14

My colleague lives a couple of hours flight from her DC who are 18 and 21. They live with their dad and she flies to see them every couple of months. She is due to go to see them this weekend. She has just heard that her DD has a fracture in her foot and is feeling down. Colleague would like to stay away for a week to spend more time with her DD. However colleague is booked in to do a piece of work on one of the days. Currently only she or I know how to deliver this and the date cannot be changed. (It is a 1 day course with 15 people booked in). She has asked me to cover for her.
I work 4 days and this is my day off. I have been flexible with this day on many occasions and have swapped it to help out others. I am really trying to hold the line on no longer swapping it around. On the actual day my colleague wants cover I have booked lunch with 2 dear friend s. It has literally taken us 6 months to find a day that we could all meet.
I am a bit of a reliable workhorse type and my colleague has a bit of a chaotic life. I am sympathetic to her wanting to spend time with her DD but I am also learning to be protective of my day off.
AIBU not to swap?

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 23/10/2019 10:19

No don't swap. If this is your regular day off then you shouldn't ever swap it or others will see you as a soft touch. You work a four day week, end of. You are not responsible for covering staff who want a day off. I worked a 4 day week - had Fridays off. As far as I was concerned I never had to oblige anyone by coming in on a Friday. It was the same as being off on a Saturday or Sunday. It simply was not a working day for me. Don't apologise, just tell her you already have plans for that day that cannot be rearranged. You certainly don't have to tell her the plans and if she does dare ask tell her its personal.

MzHz · 23/10/2019 10:20

Which day is the day off? Could her trip be modified around that? So she gets more time with her dd, but is back in time for the day you’re off?

I think it’s a bit mean tbh, to stick to your guns for the sake of a lunch, and you do seem extremely judgemental of her.

meyouandlulutoo · 23/10/2019 10:20

You can easily change the lunch date

YANBU. You have made it clear that you cannot easily change your lunch date, it took 6 months to arrange this one. I have lost touch with friends because of this very reason, always being the one to drop my commitments to help colleagues. You realise as you get older that your circle of friends becomes much less if you continue to do this. Your colleague is going to visit her daughter for the weekend and there are other adults in the household, put yourself first for once.

Littledidsheknow · 23/10/2019 10:22

“I’m so sorry, I have arrangements I can’t change on that day” is all you need to say. Keep repeating.

meyouandlulutoo · 23/10/2019 10:22

Don't apologise, just tell her you already have plans for that day that cannot be rearranged. You certainly don't have to tell her the plans and if she does dare ask tell her its personal.

I agree, take this advice.

SoupDragon · 23/10/2019 10:28

I would ask my two friends to see if there was another date in the near future. What goes around comes around. And if there isn’t, say no, I tried to rearrange for you and I can’t.

I think I would make a cursory effort to change the date but wouldn't swap if this was not possible. I would feel less guilty if I had made an attempt to change my plans.

If I had no plans I would swap.

BIWitch · 23/10/2019 10:29

It's not your responsibility but if you had priorities over comforting a child (albeit an adult child) or lunch with girlfriends then clearly morally we know which one takes precedence

There is no moral superiority over someone wanting to keep an appointment that they have made. The daughter is not seriously ill and it will make no difference if the colleague goes another day.

The OP is constantly changing/being asked to change her day off to suit other people, so why should she change something that's important to her?

@MzHz

I think it’s a bit mean tbh, to stick to your guns for the sake of a lunch, and you do seem extremely judgemental of her

I think you're the one being judgemental here!

Hope you enjoy your lunch, OP. And hopefully this will be the start of you not being the doormat you risk becoming by being so reliable and such a 'workhorse'!

I was one of those for a long time and it took me a while to realise that all it meant was that I was taken advantage of. My flexibility for others was certainly not appreciated - and because something many people assumed of me.

BIWitch · 23/10/2019 10:30

Oh, and if she tells you she's already booked her flight, you will just have to shrug your shoulders and say you're sorry not really but there's nothing you can do.

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2019 10:33

It's not your responsibility but if you had priorities over comforting a child (albeit an adult child) or lunch with girlfriends then clearly morally we know which one takes precedence

It’s nothing to do with morality.

noperightoutofthere · 23/10/2019 10:34

I get why she wants the time off but frankly her children are adults and it’s a broken bone not a life threatening condition.

This. If it was more serious I'd say change your plans but honestly...

I've had to learn this the hard way. This morning I'm sitting up in bed typing this but still feeling pretty rubbish after a week of illness. A colleague just asked me to sort something for her today because she needs to go through it and "tomorrow's [her] day off and [she] won't be available"!!! No my dear, we're not sorting Brexit here, it will all just have to wait another day! [I've been working as usual until now even though bedridden]

The more you give people, the more they expect in my experience. You can end up giving your whole life away and then when you need help most people are mysteriously unavailable. And your true friends/nice colleagues will always understand the need to put yourself first once in a while!

BIWitch · 23/10/2019 10:36

I've been working as usual until now even though bedridden

But why @noperightoutofthere?! No wonder the colleague is asking you to do stuff! If you're sick, you're sick and you're off work, not working. TBH you can't blame your colleague for trying!

Potnoodledoo · 23/10/2019 10:36

I would say no.Your plans are important to you.

And as somebody who always swapped,when i needed it not one of those people stepped up.

I also wouldnt tell her the reason.Its not her business what you do on your day off.Go and enjoy your lunch with your friends/

purplepalace · 23/10/2019 10:36

I would definitely swap with her I this instance as her DD is struggling (physically and mentally too by the sounds of it?) i really think a child (even adult) in distress trumps a lunch with friends.

I realise almost everyone on this thread feels differently to me though

If she often asks you to accommodate her though and you're sick if it is make it very clear to her this was the last time.

I think you're being stubborn on principle about reschedule the lunch.

noperightoutofthere · 23/10/2019 10:38

think it’s a bit mean tbh, to stick to your guns for the sake of a lunch

Maintaining friendships is an important part of life. Nobody's died, nobody's seriously ill, we're not talking about a child. All bets would be off in those cases. But there's always going to be some minor drama going on, you can't be a doormat who does nothing for yourself but only expediates everyone else's happiness.

(I say this as someone who once dropped everything to help someone I barely knew, her MIL was seriously ill and was expected to die that day. Of COURSE I would put myself out for that!)

KatyCarrCan · 23/10/2019 10:39

You say you've swapped it to help others. Does this mean you've swapped with this colleague before? Have they swapped days to help you?
Her chaotic lifestyle isn't relevant here. Her lifestyle didn't cause the broken foot.

noperightoutofthere · 23/10/2019 10:39

@biwitch I agree with your comment, not to drip feed but there's a whole back story, I'm a contractor, blah blah.

m00rfarm · 23/10/2019 10:41

An adult child with a fractured foot. And she wants to spend a week there? And wants you to change your plans for that. I definitely would not even consider that and cannot believe people would say differently, And it is NOT a broken leg - it is a fractured bone in the foot Trust me, it is not life threatening, mildly painful and definitely does not stop you moving around.

DarlingNikita · 23/10/2019 10:43

Don't apologise… You certainly don't have to tell her the plans and if she does dare ask tell her its personal.

Yes, this. Saying sorry is the British disease! And I never get why people feel they have to give long and personal explanations for everything.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 23/10/2019 10:43

I’m planning to return PT after mat leave.
I’ll be relying on free childcare from (lovely) grandparents (willingly offered) but they have lives too so will have little flexibility to change/swap days- especially at short notice. I do worry ^ this will happen constantly and I’d hate to be constantly saying no.

As far as you’re governed OP I wouldn’t feel bad about saying no. People will always have reasons they want you to swap but at the end of the day it’s your day off and your choice x

Avenilson · 23/10/2019 10:49

YANBU in saying no. However given that it's abroad and her daughter sounds like she is struggling mentally too, I'd make the decision based on which specific day she is asking you to cover. If it's Thursday or Friday then no, she can go at the weekend and extend until Wednesday and still has her extra time. But if it was Monday/Tuesday where she would literally just have the weekend as usual and have to fly back, if I was feeling kind and she personally hasn't taken the piss before, I might consider it.

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 23/10/2019 10:52

It’s not even like you’ve booked a day’s holiday and she’s asking you to swap. This is a day you’re not even contracted to work. It’s the same as her asking you to work a Saturday or a Sunday to facilitate her trip. It’s just a straight up no. And she’s cheeky for asking TBH. It’s not your problem. It’s hers and your line manager’s.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/10/2019 10:52

I would definitely swap with her I this instance as her DD is struggling (physically and mentally too by the sounds of it?)

It's not as though she's not going to see her mother at all, she'll still get mum hugs and help and support - just for a couple of days rather than a week. Plus we have to remember that OP is getting all the information through the lens of her colleague, who may just have a vested interest in making things sound worse than they really are...

MiniPanda · 23/10/2019 10:59

Personally I'd swap and look to reschedule my lunch date instead, but I realise I'm in the minority here.

Pinkyyy · 23/10/2019 11:03

Say no. Not your problem and far from an emergency.

Butterymuffin · 23/10/2019 11:03

it takes very little time for people to start seeing your favour to them as something they're entitled to expect.

This. Stick to your arrangements this time.

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