To not want to have sex

[Cloudsandrainbows]

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

what do I do
Find someone who will respect you if he won’t! You can say no whenever you want for whatever reason

I feel exactly the same. I just don't feel like it most of the time. I think it's my contraception.
My dp certainly doesn't go on about the underwear I put on or the type of boots I wear. I would tell him to sod off with that crap. Why is he trying to dictate what you wear? He sounds selfish and pretty controlling OP.

You are not being unreasonable not to want sex, but neither is he for wanting it more often. Pressuring you is obviously not acceptable though.

How are things in your relationship otherwise? If there are issues anywhere else I always find sex (or lack of) is one of the first major symptoms. If you think back to when you wanted sex all the time, what has changed since then? I appreciate that kids and tiredness are a factor but it sounds like you’re no longer attracted to him at all.

What the last poster said. He doesn't have an automatic right to sex. if he can't respect your desire not to he isn't the right partner for you and you're better off without him.

I'd rather read a book and eat an entire pack of biscuits.
You've young kids so he should be more understanding, of course it won't be like it used to.
Since 30+ I've come across a lot of women who cba anymore. That's not to say everyone though so am not making judgements.

I had it out with him last night, and I told him sometimes I just don't want to and that I'm so offended by his comments about wanting me to wear kinky underwear and heels.... But he just makes it about him, and accuses me of not loving him. He says it's part of a normal relationship, and most women would be happy when their partner comes home and want to greet them and kiss them straight away. He then says it's all because he finds me so attractive and can't keep his hands off me and he loves me, that he wants to have sex all the time. I was reduced to tears but still he thinks I'm being horrible to him?!?!

Sounds like neither of you are happy in this relationship currently. He is NBU to miss the old pre-kids days and you are NBU to tell him you're too busy or tired.

I assume as this sounds like it's been going on for a while that you've spelt out to him that you're tired and too busy and he is doing sod all to address that.

It might be worth both of you speaking to a counsellor about this. Are you still attracted to him? Do you want this relationship to continue? Do you want to address your low libido?

I can relate to this. I am seriously touched out with 2 preschoolers, one of whom is still breastfeeding. Once they're in bed and my body is finally my own for a few hours I just want to enjoy it. If DH then starts touching me I honestly have to fight the urge to slap him. It's not his fault but I also can't help how I feel. I think things will improve once the kids are a bit older and breastfeeding is finished with.

Out of curiosity how much of the domestic load are you and he doing? I know from experience it's really difficult to feel in the mood if you're busy resenting your partner because they're not pulling their weight at home.

Nobody should have to have sex when they don’t feel like it. And nobody should guilt anyone or make them feel bad.

At the same time, it is normal and understandable for men to have the desire to shag their wives and to get pissed off of their wives start to withdraw from being sexy, sexual people and into a world of sensible shoes, cardigans and camomile tea. Its not really what anyone signs up for.

Get him to take a week off and do everything you usually do with the kids. Then tell him to imagine also having had his genitals slightly mangled. Then see how horny he is.

Oh, and I see you have a 10 month old. That explains a lot and your husband just needs to be patient.

Your complete lack of interest though is probably a bit demoralising but he probably just needs to back off (for a year).

@Iooselipssinkships

Are you in a relationship, and are the "lots of women 30+ who can't be arsed" also in relationships?

If so - is your partner/are their partners also totally happy with reading books and entire-packet-of-biccie eating?

I think OP's partner is VU for pestering and being critical.

However I also scratch my head trying to understand people who say "I'd rather eat a pizza and watch a box set", and completely dismiss sex at this point in their relationship. Is there any acceptance or understanding that such an approach has to be agreed upon and shared with the other partner, or else it could (I said could, not will) undermine and damage the relationship?

I'm just genuinely not interested, I don't really know why, but physically since the birth of my daughter I find certain positions painful, and just don't have the same physical feelings down stairs. I had some major surgery after my first was born and have been to see a gynecologist several times but they put pain down to endometriosis and say there's nothing else wrong, it just is how it is and it won't ever be the same after childbirth. I have accepted that, and he knows all of this but yet he doesn't act like understands! I almost wish he'd just go masturbate sometimes so I don't have to 'do my duty'
We've had our ups and downs, and have a complicated family situation, and I am on my own with the kids a lot. We o my really get every other weekend together, and I suppose we have grown apart some what, but it can't be helped, it's just life! He seems to think everyone else with kids he knows still have a good social life and go out for meals and cinema, and nights away regularly, and complains we don't. However we can't afford to do things like that all the time, and we have no help with childcare locally. My parents have always helped whenever asked but they both work and DD is now in school so that makes things harder as she can't spend a few days with my mum as she lives too far away to get her to school.

I cross-posted with you OP. From your latest post it does sound like the classic situation where you're feeling harrassed and he's feeling rejected.

I know you've discussed how you both feel but have you discussed solutions as to how you can bridge this gap so you're both happy? I really think it would be worth your while discussing this in couples counselling.

I don't think either of you are completely in the wrong but you need to communicate better and compromise. He is being unreasonable to not understand that he's not your priority now and that your life has changed and you don't want sex the way you once did.

However, it seems like he's looking for a part of you that's his wife, not just mum. The underwear and heels seem like a really cack-handed way of saying that he thinks you're not making an effort to nurture that side of your relationship.

I think he should take some of the load off of you, come in and help with the kids instead of expecting you to drop things for him. But I think likewise it would be beneficial to your long term relationship if you took some time off from being mum and reclaimed the woman you once were.

It is important to communicate better about this with the aim to both feel better about each other. You also need to try and understand why you don't have any sexual feeling for him. Is it something you can do something about ? Is it physical or a symptom wider of your relationship?

In the end, what sets a marriage in a different context is that you are equal partners and if in the medium term you can't or don't want it back then you need to talk with him and see what his position is

I was trying to make OP feel better and say that I too CBA and know a few women the same. I also said I know not everyone is the same.
My DP is completely fine with it because he respects me and I'm sorry that my book reading, biscuit-binging offends you so much @GinDaddy I just happen to prefer them things. I didn't say we never did it, I just have other preferences as does he. We have young children.
I was also raped more than once so yeah my DP definitely understands and it's not always on my to do list.

I too would be 'genuinely not interested' in someone who pressured for sex, made crude comments about me, and generally tried to manipulate and blackmail me into sex.

Also, thick men who can't see the link between acting unpleasantly and people not wanting to have sex with you are deeply unappealing.

Actually I think I would do that. Tell him to take a week off work and do the job you do usually do for the entire week while you do your own thing.

I know that sometimes men (and woman) like things a certain way when they arrive home from work. They like to be greeted immediately and a fuss made of them but having not done the staying at home kid thing they get a bit self absorbed. Men especially imo can't act like a little kids wanting mummies attention all to themselves.

He needs to see that the relationship has changed since sprigs came along and to keep the bond then changes need to be made to keep some spark or the one feeling pestered starts to feel resentful.

He needs to do the walk a mile in your shoes for a week or 2, then tell you how sexy he feels at the end of it.

Thank you for your comments, things are dropping into place. He does help around the house. I say help.....he'll come in and bath the kids....just before they are about to have spaghetti for tea! He'll start hoovering before I've dusted, he'll make the bed when I've just said I'm changing the sheets. He does what he can, but he never asks what needs to be done, and I've told him this but he still continues on his own agenda. I don't feel he works with me at all. I would like to try counselling but he has already said no, apparently we can't afford it.
I can see that for him nothing has changed despite our children being born, he still has the same job, same hobbies, just less hair. I am 100% not the same person. I don't wear heels daily, because I don't work in an office anymore. I used to drive to work, sit at a desk, drive home. I now walk everywhere pushing a buggy in all weathers, have 4 people to wash, iron, cook and clean for and work 3 nights a week at the supermarket! I haven't had my nails done since before my DD was born, can't justify the money, I still get my hair done but don't have the time for styling like I used to, I wear minimal make up but do make more effort at weekends. He occasionally offers to buy me clothes or things like that but I always decline as I worry about our finances and feel the money would be better spent towards a holiday, painting the house, shoes for the kids, Christmas presents etc (and he doesn't insist, I always feel he's relived when I decline). I don't think we are hard up, but he acts like we are, and has started doing overtime at work which is eating into the very little time we have together, but I'm still the unreasonable one!?
Like a PP said I would just like 5 minutes to myself sometimes, I have the kids 24/7 and as soon as they are in bed, he's on top of me! My dad is having the kids for me for my birthday and he is working! So I'm going out to lunch with my mum and sister, but this will be the first time i've been anywhere without them since my youngest was conceived

@looselipssinkships I never said that you didn't do it, I was just curious as to whether everyone's happy so to speak. It doesn't offend me one bit and I'm truly sorry to hear of your other experiences you mentioned.

He's almost certainly not pulling his weight in terms of domestic work and childcare, which means you don't have the energy or the headspace for sex - and it has clearly become, in your relationship, one more service you are expected to provide for his benefit.

The only thing that's really likely to help is him making sure that you get some leisure time. One evening or afternoon a week, at least, he should be looking after DC while you go out and enjoy yourself - take up an evening class or join a book group; make arrangements to meet up with a friend for a meal or a drink or to see a film - whatever you enjoy doing.
Because a life that consists of housework, childcare and being bothered for sex is no life at all.

From your last post it also sounds like it's not just sex that he misses. He's asking to go on dates with you but you're rejecting those too.

If your relationship is important to you then you do have to nurture it. I don't think you can ignore it for a few years and then just hope to pick it up again. I'm not just talking about sex here but I think you need to find a way of being a couple again, rather than just mum and dad.

I'd be devastated if my dp wasn't interested in sex with me and didn't feel inclined to sort it out especially knowing how it made me feel.
He isn't handling it the right way granted, but it's not unreasonable that he wants sex. Especially if you only have every other weekend together it sounds like he's away a lot? Of course he is hurt you don't greet him with a hug and a kiss, and don't want sex with him.
It doesn't sound like you actually love him to be honest and that's probably how it makes him feel.