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Original poster

To not want to have sex

180 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 13:26

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

OP posts:
angell84 · 21/10/2019 14:15

It is a really hard one.

I have been in a relationship where he pushed me into sex, and I honestly felt raped when I gave in.

I was also with one man who never wanted to have sex with me.
Honesy the wound that I felt was so awful. I felt so rejected and hurt at such a deep level. "How can the person I am with , not want to have sex with me, ever".

I have to say that the second case was a dealbreaker for me, and I left him.

You do NOT have to have sex
He also does not have to stay with someon e who will not have sex with him. That will mean him never having sex for the rest of his life!

You need to try and work it out, or break up.

BarbedBloom · 21/10/2019 14:23

I agree with person above. He wants to spend quality time with you too and he is doing things around the house. I think sometimes there is a tendency for people to be swallowed alive by their children as they are obviously the priority. But they lose themselves a bit too. It is okay to spend some money on going out together, or you having your hair cut or doing something nice for yourself. I am not saying to do it just to please your husband, but to see your own value as well.

I think he still wants to see you as his wife, but you see yourself as mum. Neither of you are wrong and you have a 10 month old so I can see the appeal of comfy when you're shattered. But you have said that you aren't up for it when you aren't either. I don't see anything wrong with him wanting to give you a kiss when he gets back, but I think he maybe just doesn't get the whole touched out thing.

I would go and see your GP about the pain part and see if anything can be done there. Take an evening a week to go out and do something just for you. Reaquaint with yourself outside of the mum role. Let go of the order of things with the housework and just let him do it and then get him to dust after, or clean up the kids and he'll soon figure it out. He is now doing overtime, maybe to make money for dates or little extras. He is dealing with this in a clumsy way, but I think he is trying.

You shouldn't have to dress up or have any sex you don't want to. But I think you need to make time to sit down and discuss this properly and explain how you feel. You should have a few date nights and reconnect. The honest fact is, I totally get where you are coming from, but I have seen friends divorce over it. Their children grow up and leave home and then they split up.

I wouldn't be happy living in a sexless marriage with no time together without children and where there is also a lack of intimacy. Maybe couples counselling could help too so you both get to put your side.

charm8ed · 21/10/2019 14:24

Neither of you are being unreasonable, if you don’t feel like sex then you don’t and it’s not unreasonable for your DH to want to have sex with you who he obviously really fancies.
Sex really is the glue in a relationship so you need to find a compromise before this becomes a bigger thing. Try being honest with him and keep any non sexual physical intimacy going.
I’ve been the one who is constantly rejected and it’s absolute agony.

LuciaLuciaLucia · 21/10/2019 14:24

I know this would be the last worry of yours, but the situaton with winter boots with heels is easily solved:

you choose 2 pairs; one practical and nice”for you” and one pair heeled “for him” show him, let him pay and tell him you will wear the nice ones when he takes you out, does the driving(as you need to take care of them) and of course organises the babysitter...

angell84 · 21/10/2019 14:27

Should anyone have to make themselves have sex when they don't want to though?

Especially if the OP is in pain.

I am thinking of any random couple on theory.

"One of them wants to have sex, one of them doesn't".

Do any of us think that they should have sex in that moment?

I don't think so

charm8ed · 21/10/2019 14:29

No one should have sex if they don’t want to but at least give it a go, often after a bit of kissing and cuddling people get in the mood.

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 21/10/2019 14:30

It sounds like you are making a lot of excuses not to address the issue OP. From painful sex to having to wash and clean for 4 people to not having time to yourself.
The only people who can do anything about that are you and your DH.
And while these are all valid reasons for you not being in a sexy mood the fact is that you not ever being in a sexy mood is affecting your marriage so just how much value do you put on the marriage and do you feel it's worth working at?

While therapy seems very likely to be beneficial to you guys, if you can't afford then really all that you need to do is find a way to communicate effectively.
If you sit down once a week and discuss the things that are possibly stopping you from ever feeling in the mood and what is stopping him from helping with things that would benefit your well being then I'm sure things will either get back to (the new) normal soon enough. If the new normal doesn't work for either of you then it's time to discuss other options but at the moment it doesn't sound like you are working together at all. Once that's changed you will quickly see if there is a bigger issue than what it appears on the surface.

babybunny123 · 21/10/2019 14:32

My ex was like this, it was totally draining. The more he pestered the more I withdrew from him, I hated him in the end.

angell84 · 21/10/2019 14:33

@charm8ed I disagree. If you don't want to, you don't want to.

And she is in pain.

I have an example. One time, my boyfriend kept pushing and pushing to have sex. I did not want to, and I gave the reason "my tummy really hurt".

He didn't care, he insistes and insisted "because he really fancied me and felt so rejected etc etc".

I woke up the next morning in an absolute ocean of blood. I had never seen so much blood in my life. The sheets were sticky with it. It turned out that I had endometriosus and he had aggravated it that day and burst something.

He said to me " I am never making you have sex again".

I remember it as a horrible horrible memory.

charm8ed · 21/10/2019 14:40

I don’t mean to do anything that you don’t want to do but at least give it a go, lay in bed kissing and cuddling and some feelings may return, perhaps try some mutual masturbation or sex in the positions that don’t hurt. Anything that is intimate is good.

peppaisabitofanob · 21/10/2019 14:44

Is it the fucking 1950s. "At least give it a go". Hmm

peppaisabitofanob · 21/10/2019 14:50

Op there's nothing wrong with you at all.

Has your DH lived in a hole until now? I thought it was very common knowledge that once you have dc the sex drops right off, almost non existent until the dc are a bit more independent and you gain a bit of time to yourselves back. There'll be posters coming along I'm sure usually the cool wives who are at it like rabbits all day. But the norm is very much a steep decline!

The pestering is pathetic. He's not unreasonable to want to have more intimacy with you but if he's shown his interest and you've made it clear you're not that's where it should stop. Have an open discussion about where you are right now with that.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 14:51

How do other people do date nights? We often watch a film and a few drinks at home at the weekend or get a take away, but with no one on hand to have the kids what do you do. My parents are happy to help but both work and are 45 minutes away, so takes some advanced planning, but not impossible. However what would you suggest for a date night? Something different, not just going for a meal.
Also would I be unreasonable to make a rota for choirs? And ask him to do what I want him to do to help at home?

OP posts:
TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 14:53

angell84

This is more than just an occasional "I don't want to," though isn't it?

The op never wants to but more than that it appears all aspects of intimacy have gone from the relationship.

So of course she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want it. If she never wants it again then that's fine.

Equally though her husband might not want to be in a celibate partnership with basically a housemate and so may choose to leave - which is his right.

raspberryk · 21/10/2019 14:56

Coffee, lunch, day out at country house, walk in the park, spa morning, drinks, cinema, takeaway and film at home, so cooks steak while I mix drinks and light candles.

Mintjulia · 21/10/2019 14:59

What @gamerchick says Smile

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 14:59

I would say have a think about what you want from the date - a chance to talk? Then a meal, or going to a museum or out for a walk.

If you want to take the pressure off then an activity where you aren't forced to talk so the cinema, theatre, a comedy club or something more energetic even.

I think date nights at home are ok but there's something a bit more special about going out. You aren't tempted to just tidy up, or finish the washing up are you, you're more focused.

As for the chores I don't think you should give him a list, you aren't his boss or his mum. I think you should sit as a couple and talk about what needs doing and then decide between you who is responsible for what. Whatever he's responsible for though you have to leave him to it. So don't tell him to do it a certain way, or that you want it done this way eg him hoovering before dusting - it's not the end of the world is it and at least it's done.

charm8ed · 21/10/2019 15:00

OP we sometimes have indoor dates night, a takeaway, film, wine and our equivalent of heeled boots. Or meals out, cinema and meals out, meals out with another couple work well as you see each other in another light having fun and telling funny stories. Friends over for little buffets and playing silly board games also works for us as it’s fun.

raspberryk · 21/10/2019 15:01

I thought it was very common knowledge that once you have dc the sex drops right off, almost non existent until the dc are a bit more independent and you gain a bit of time to yourselves back

This is rubbish surely, what about all the small ages gaps between children?
I became single when my dd was under 3 months old and I started dating as soon as I could (before she was 6 months) I was absolutely gagging for a decent shag.

Jimjamjong · 21/10/2019 15:05

YANBU, you have a 10 month old and doing most of the childcare and housework, of course you will be tired and not into the mood, adding the pressure on top is really not nice and not attractive.

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 16:23

It's not that I never ever want sex again, just not as much as he does, and definitely the pestering has put me off, and made me feel under pressure to perform. Like I said before I just don't get the same enjoyment due to physical changes as a result of childbirth, and endometriosis causes me almost constant pain, therefore it's not as good as it used to be for me, so I'm not as interested. But his sex drive is the same and he expects me to keep up. 1-2 nights a week would be ok for most couples with kids wouldn't it? And obviously a week or so off at the wrong time of the month.
As it's only my family we have for childcare he expects me to sort it out, which is fine but he says my family should be offering to have our kids! They have never said no when asked, but our date nights are not for them to arrange.
He has the week off for half term, so hopefully we can have some quality time, although I'm working some nights. I was thinking of booking a night away for his birthday but would feel bad not taking the kids, I take them with me everywhere. Do you tell your kids where your going and what you're doing? I suppose if we can make it a more regular thing they will get used to staying away from us now and again?

OP posts:
charm8ed · 21/10/2019 16:27

Once or twice a week is loads.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2019 16:38

Op what are they doing to deal with your endo?

It does sound like you need intimacy back in your relationship but he needs to understand you being "touched out" and intimacy not just being a prelude to sex.

Re date nights, a meal is fine. It's just about spending time 122 without the kids. A movie, ice skating, a walk. It doesn't matter. Even at horm with kdis in bed- phones away etc.

raspberryk · 21/10/2019 16:51

3 - 6 times per month is not loads, not even "enough" for any couples I know, I personally don't ever go a week without unless we went away on holiday seperately.

There's no need to say anything more than you're going away together. No need to feel bad about the kids not going.

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 16:55

How often is he wanting to have sex? 1-2 times a week sounds pretty normal to me especially if you have kids