Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To not want to have sex

180 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 13:26

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

OP posts:

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 14:45

OP, your whole post just sounds like you don't want to be doing what you're currently doing. I'm not saying this is a horrible way - you just sound so fed up with your life. And the way you say that you want to feel equal, you feel like you belong to him because he earns more - is he making you feel like that or are you making yourself feel like it? Do you not value what you're doing?

The more you write the more I'm getting a sense that this is so little tondo with your husband wanting sex and so much more to do with the fact that your current set up just isn't working for either of you.

You say he's working 7 days this week - is he worrying about money? It's a lot of pressure to be the main wage earner.

You sound desperate for a break.

Is there no option of you going back to work and the children going to daycare, if that's what would make you feel better in yourself?

We keep saying it, but you really need to have some open conversations with each other. Maybe he would back off the sex if he felt that you were connecting in other ways and getting some intimacy back?

I can see that you're feeling put upon and like you're doing everything but the poor sod is working 7 days - he's not exactly having fun either is he?

It feels like you've both become entrenched in your own feelings and the fact that neither are getting their needs met. You somehow need to meet in the middle here.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 14:50

sex is not a need.

For some people it is and that's fine. Obviously they can't demand that someone gives it to them but they are quite justified in saying that their needs aren't being met and so they want to go and find someone who's on the same page as them.

angell84 · 22/10/2019 14:51

@tequilapilates I think it is a want.

We need food or we will die.
We need air or we will die.
We do not NEED sex.

MrMumble · 22/10/2019 14:53

We do not NEED sex

This x1000. I think it's really important to reiterate this.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 14:56

angell84

Well, food, water and air are the basic requirements for sustaining life.

That doesn't mean we don't also need other things too - we might not die without them but life will be very unpleasant and miserable without them.

If sex isn't important to you then that's fine but for others it is important and they have just as much right to find a relationship that will meet their needs as anyone.

TheSandman · 22/10/2019 15:18

I think for your mental well being sex or at least close physical contact is pretty essential for most people. (Not ALL but most.) We are, after all, hairless apes not that long, in biological evolutionary terms, down from the trees. Most great apes spend a lot of their time grooming each other, how you divide up how much of that time is for pleasure, cleanliness, social bonding, or sexual interest is open for debate but they DO spend an awful lot of time just touching each other.

ChilledBee · 22/10/2019 15:18

No one ever died from a lack of sex!

And nobody died from having a partner who is cold and unaffectionate but we understand that to be a valid reason for discontentment in a relationship.

MrMumble · 22/10/2019 15:26

I agree that physical contact is important in a relationship... definitely. I don't think that always needs to be sex, there will be times when sex is more difficult or less desirable. The problem comes when it's impossible to have that physical contact and affection without it always leading to one person wanting sex. That's often what makes people cold and unaffectionate. The OP isn't saying that she never wants sex again, but that she can't face it at the moment for very valid reasons. If her DH is a decent person he will understand that, let her know that he's satisfied with just a hug and enjoying time together for the moment and things are likely to improve.

ChilledBee · 22/10/2019 15:29

But what if he isn't just satisfied with a hug?

I think what I'm trying to say is that at one point, I thought breaking up for sexual incompatibility where you feel like your partner doesn't want sex enough to satisfy you made you a bad person. Now I see that it doesn't. Seeing that it doesn't spurred me to do what I can to get us on the same page.

quincejamplease · 22/10/2019 15:30

Someone who loved and respected you wouldn't try to turn every ounce of physical affection into sex; he would be perfectly happy for a hug to just be a hug and he wouldn't be pressuring and manipulating you into sex.

He also wouldn't turn everything around and make it your fault.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 15:30

. If her DH is a decent person he will understand that, let her know that he's satisfied with just a hug and enjoying time together for the moment and things are likely to improve.

And what does the DH get? He is clearly asking for more intimacy (not talking about sex here) by saying they don't go out together etc but the op just says that's childish.

It's a partnership isn't it? There should be give and take on both sides.

Maybe he's starting to look at this and think that it's never going to get any better.

quincejamplease · 22/10/2019 15:33

There's a difference between feeling disappointed or unfulfilled and behaving coercively.

The latter is a choice and the responsibility for it lies with the person making that choice, not the person on the receiving end of that coercion.

charm8ed · 22/10/2019 15:37

I think sex is a need, I think it is one of the most important thing in a marriage. It’s the one thing you can do with your partner that you can’t with anyone else (unless you are cheating). I think it’s more of a priority than using energy putting the washing away or tidying up. OP have you looked at all options that make sex less painful, could you see the doctor again, try positions you find enjoyable, use toys to warm up etc. You need to talk to your husband, you are both in the most tiring time of your life so unsurprisingly couple time is hard to come by. I agree with the poster who said paying a babysitter so the whole get your parents to babysit doesn’t feel like another chore for you. How about a little text to your husband saying you’re choosing some nice healed boots if he sorts out a babysitter and books a nice meal. Then when you’re out you can talk about needing some time for yourself, obviously fun stuff too.
I can see this from your side and your husband’s, I’m an empty nester who’s been married 25 years so knows the importance of sex and also how tiring looking after littles ones is.

MrMumble · 22/10/2019 15:38

But what if he isn't just satisfied with a hug?

Then he needs to have a wank. Seriously. The OP is ill, she had a baby recently. She does not need to be having sex. A marriage is a partnership that can last years and years. There may be a time in the future that he is unable to have sex for a while. That's life. She's not saying never, just that it's difficult now...if he can't wait until he feels better then he doesn't deserve her.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 15:42

So, should the op never be able to tell her husband how she's feeling then? She must keep it to herself because to discuss how you're feeling is acting coercively.

There's odd mentions here of the husband telling op that he's unhappy or feeling forgotten but she's dismissing those feelings as being childish. I don't think that's fair. His feelings are just as valid as the ops which is why I really think they should look at having counseling - an opportunity to both voice how they are feeling and to both be listened to. Then they each need to decide if they can give what the other partner wants.

Maybe the marriage does end because they are incompatible now but it might be worth at least trying to work it out.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 15:46

MrMumble

What you're saying is that the husband's feelings don't matter. He is inconsequential in this and the op is the only one who counts.

Great advice if you want to guarantee the end of the relationship (which the op says she doesn't want).

He doesn't have to live with none of his needs being met just as much as the op doesn't need to.

Butterymuffin · 22/10/2019 15:48

Ok, so last night:
my bath last night which he kindly ran for me......DD wouldn't settle in bed and came into the bathroom while I'm in the bath asking for cuddles and for to take her back to bed....DH is in the next room on his phone and completely of ores what's going on so I cut my bath short to sort her out.
Did you shout through to him to come and take care of DD? Did you say to him afterwards that it was nice to have a bath run for you, but it only works if you can then relax in the bath knowing that he's listening out for / looking after DD? I know you shouldn't have to say that, but at this point I think you should spell it out for him to see if then he is at least motivated to respond.

dementedpixie · 22/10/2019 15:49

OP suggested counselling and he said No.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 15:51

I thought he said they couldn't afford it?

If that's the case maybe they could look into cheaper options?

What other choice is there?

MrMumble · 22/10/2019 15:56

What you're saying is that the husband's feelings don't matter. He is inconsequential in this and the op is the only one who counts.

What's wrong with you? What I'm saying is that the OP is unwell and exhausted. She has had a baby which changes your body, it affects your hormones and is all encompassing for a while. For the moment, whilst she recovers, yes, her feelings are more important. He can wait for sex until the OP is ready.

So, should the op never be able to tell her husband how she's feeling then? She must keep it to herself because to discuss how you're feeling is acting coercively.

What nonsense. There are ways to tell people how you feel and pestering for sex is not one that tends to work. Of course it's important for them to have a discussion but I do think that any man, or woman, who puts their need for sex above their partners need to recover from pregnancy and birth (which can take a very long time) is acting terribly.

Shoxfordian · 22/10/2019 15:59

Your husband is acting like a knob. He seems to think he's entitled to have sex because he wants it and he disregards anything else. It's disrespectful, sexist, shit.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 16:06

MrMumble

I've had 2 babies thanks, I know how it works.

I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the husband saying he misses his wife, he misses them being close and the op just made a list of excuses about he's being childish, the children must always come first etc etc so it doesn't sound like it's just about sex for him. It's about being a couple and having that intimacy (not only sex). Yes she had a baby 10 months ago but he also seems to be carrying the financial burden for the family. Op said that he's worried about money, is working more shifts and thus week working 7 days so that she doesn't have to, due to her ill health. So maybe he's feeling very stressed. Maybe he's really worried about this. Maybe he's knackered from the overtime. It's not just the op who's tired and struggling. It sounds like he is too.

Who is he meant to turn to for support or should he just "man up" and get on with it?

ibanez0815 · 22/10/2019 16:06

yanbu for not wanting sex but yabu to expect your DH to live a sexless life. You are obviously mismatched.

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 16:07

There are ways to tell people how you feel

Well he did tell her and she said he was being childish.

MrMumble · 22/10/2019 16:18

He told her that he misses her touching him up all the time and wearing sexy things. I have to agree that's pretty childish. I completely agree with you, supporting each other through life, being affectionate, talking about the things that you're stressed about are essential parts of a relationship, but that's not the problem here...the problem is that he is constantly pestering the OP for sex, and that's not on.
The original question the OP asked is is it normal for things to change after having children and the answer is yes. It's not abnormal to not want sex every day when you have children.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread