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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have sex

180 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 13:26

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 16:56

I had a laproscopy or however you spell it a couple of years ago and I got diagnosed with endometriosis, and they burnt away what was there. But since then I get regular intervals of intense pain, at any random time of month, and it hurts to even lightly press my lower belly. It happened when I came off the pill TTC DC2 and was about 2 solid weeks of needing painkillers day and night, and they said it was changes in hormone levels and it would settle down, which it did, but it happens all the time. I don't know what they can do for it? Every contraceptive I've tried has resulted in constant bleeding so don't want to go down that road again of DH really will be out of luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 16:57

@dementedpixie he wants it every day!

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 21/10/2019 16:58

When you discussed this situation he turned it all back on you, stating he loves you so much, he can't keep his hands off you - this is bullshit. If he loved you so much he would control his urges instead of building more resentment between you by offering to do the dishes, put on a load of washing, make pack lunches (if needed for the next day) put the kids to bed.

Along with asking you if there were any other chores that needed doing, run you a bath for you, bring you a drink of your choice rather than being a twat and hassling you for sex. He needs to put your needs first and start wooing you.

As for councilling, of course he refused to do this as he knows the councillor will bring the above subjects up.

He would be on a sex ban if he belonged to me - END OF

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 17:00

God no, every day is too much. I also dont hug and kiss dh when he comes home. I might shout hello from the couch though

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 17:00

Is be happy with once maybe twice a week, but with his constant pestering I don't want it at all! I want him to understand some days I'm just too uncomfortable, and that I'd like a bit of romance, not constantly getting snide remarks about kinky underwear, and outright asking for sex. It would be nice to just have a cuddle that turns into a kiss and so on, but he will spend all day commenting and as soon as the kids are in bed expects me strip off and get on with it! Not that I sometimes would be happy to have sex, but can I have a minute to take a shower, get the washing out the machine, and tidy away the toys before we bed down for the night?!

OP posts:
PlanningApplication · 21/10/2019 17:01

I had a husband like this. I divorced him.

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 17:03

The snide and crude comments would turn me off completely tbh

GinDaddy · 21/10/2019 17:04

He is being unreasonable because you have a stated health condition which deserves compassion and respect.

Pestering about it doesn't make sense - how is it going to make your health condition magically better, or woo and entice you into feeling excited about him?

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I'm not sure how to advise but perhaps the best thing is to talk about it at a time when he's not charged up, and you're not feeling pestered.

GinDaddy · 21/10/2019 17:06

@Cloudsandrainbows just read your last post and in my opinion that would be unreasonable for anyone.

As someone wiser than me once said, the biggest erogenous zone is between the ears.

IdblowJonSnow · 21/10/2019 17:09

I think he sounds like a dick.
He shouldn't be making crude remarks and it sounds like you don't have access to family money either.
Sounds like there's a few things wrong here, not just sex. He needs to grow up and Yanbu OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2019 17:32

@Cloudsandrainbows does sound like you need to go back, for your own sake.

Also I'm 28 weeks pregnant with twins, DH would be excited by 1once a week 😂, if yorie having sex weekly then he really is getting it around an average amount.

I'd def tell him every time he makes a snide remark, everytime he expects you to just jump on his cock cos he wants it, it'll be AT LEAST THREE DAYS without. And ask if he really wants you to have sex when you don't want to, just to keep him happy.

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 17:35

Tell him that for every comment/remark/grope he makes that you will delay sex for another day. It's just not attractive or a turn on

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 17:37

Very much depends if op wants to stay married or not doesn't it?

Clearly the communication has broken down here. Both partners needs aren't being met. I don't see the point of the op treating her husband like a dog that needs training or a toddler with a star chart. Either talk about it like grown ups or split up.

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 17:39

But op is willing to compromise and he isn't. Maybe he does need training if he cant keep his hands or comments to himself

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 17:47

Is she? From what she said earlier it sounds like he's upset about the lack of intimacy in the relationship rather than just the lack of sex.

And I don't think reluctantly agreeing to painful sex once or twice a week is going to do much for the marriage long term. There are issues here that need sorting out and I really don't think training him to not ask for sex is going to do much for this marriage long term.

You only get a tiny snapshot on these threads and no one can really know what's going on. That's why, ideally, they need to see a counsellor who can really help them both work through this.

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 17:53

He wants sex every day and she'd be willing to do it 1-2 times. She is also in pain and not being helped with house/kids while he's trying to hump her leg like an overexcited puppy

ChilledBee · 21/10/2019 17:53

I've heard some of hubby's bloke friends speaking sometimes and they're quite convinced that women pretend to be sexually oriented until they achieve commitment and then flake both in terms of frequency and variety. I used to completely dismiss it as misogynistic drivel until I heard some women insinuate that you do need to sort of do that.

I had to shed lots of unhealthy beliefs about sex myself. This was before kids though. It helped us weather the storm when sex inevitably decreased over child rearing.

kettlecrisp67 · 21/10/2019 17:57

My mum once said to me.

“Women think men will change when kids come along”

“Men think women won’t”

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 18:05

He wants sex every day and she'd be willing to do it 1-2 times. She is also in pain and not being helped with house/kids while he's trying to hump her leg like an overexcited puppy

Right. So her reluctantly agreeing to it once or twice a week doesn't solve anything does it? He wants sex, yes, but also intimacy. He's not going to get intimacy through a pity shag done through gritted teeth once a week and op is going to get nothing out of it at all. In fact it sounds grim. So that's no solution is it?

Surely much better to work on the whole relationship, particularly communication and try to improve it all?

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 18:47

So he picked DD up from school for me, no big deal he finishes at 2:30 and DS had just chucked up all over me, so I was pleased. I've fed and bathed the kids, done homework and washing, just giving baby his bottle and he is reading with DD. He's running me a bath.....how nice you'd think...don't be fooled, he'll likely come in and insist on rubbing bubbles on me or actually give me 2 minutes peace as he plans to jump on me as soon as he gets out. He said yesterday he thinks I've just used him to have babies! And he thinks I don't care about him or love him, just the kids! Is that not a childish thing to say in itself? I do care about him, but kids come first, and I want him to enjoy and be proud and happy to spend time all together with our kids just as much as time without the kids.
I'm hoping if he's listened to anything I said yesterday that he won't pester tonight, but I won't hold my breathe

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 18:49

BTW he popped out earlier and while he was gone I got the kids fed and washed, as well as some other choirs, so when he returned kids were in PJ's .... He then offered to bath them!!! 😂😂 This is exactly what I mean about ignorance

OP posts:
ysmaem · 21/10/2019 18:49

Your DP sounds like an inconsiderate twat. Tell him to sod off and to leave you alone

dementedpixie · 21/10/2019 18:50

Are you frightened to initiate any sort of intimacy as you know he just wants sex? Eg you couldn't just have a kiss or cuddle without getting the whole shebang?

BlackberryNettles · 21/10/2019 18:51

world of sensible shoes

What's wrong with them Confused why fuck your feet up just to look sexy to men

BlackberryNettles · 21/10/2019 18:54

I go a month without sometimes, no desire for it at all, I'd rather sleep.