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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have sex

180 replies

Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 13:26

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

OP posts:
Ginqueen20 · 21/10/2019 18:59

My exH was like this, he constantly made me feel bad for not wanting or enjoying sex and eventually we split. The pressure made me want it less and I found him less attractive because he was essentially abusing me by trying to force me to have sex with him. He needs to respect your wishes and accept the boundaries. Sex isn’t a right and he can’t demand and receive as and when he expects. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t put this pressure on you at all but work with you and support you 💐

Ginqueen20 · 21/10/2019 19:00

Just to add all these years later I’m still single and still have no interest in sex

Original poster
Cloudsandrainbows · 21/10/2019 19:01

There is very rarely an occasion that a cuddle in bed is just a cuddle, it never end there.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/10/2019 19:07

He really does sound awful with can unreasonable and unrealistic expectations

ShiveringCoyote · 21/10/2019 19:12

The OP is in pain. Endo pain is awful and debilitating. She is also doing most of the household chores, childcare and planning as well as working 3 nights a week. The poor woman is knackered. Perhaps if the other adult in the house stepped up a bit more then perhaps her desire might return.

Whattodoabout · 21/10/2019 19:12

Things change when you have a child and he needs to accept that. You can’t go back to the pre-child days of romping twenty times a day, it just isn’t going to happen. Relationships naturally alter over time regardless of whether you have children or not, not many couples still want to have sex every single day years down the line. He has unrealistic expectations.

Not sure why he’s trying to tell you what underwear and shoes to wear as well. Maybe you should start sending him links to tight male thongs, hot pants and platform boots. Tell him you’re tired of seeing him in his generic boxers and flat shoes.

Jollitwiglet · 21/10/2019 19:26

He needs to understand that his behaviour is a massive turn off.

It's sadly not unusual to need multiple surgeries for endometriosis. Apparently proper excision surgery is the best treatment, but most surgeons use the laser to burn it off. I literally feel your pain

Pharlapwasthebest · 21/10/2019 19:34

Op are you married to my stbxh?
I TOTALLY get it.
He sounds very needy which is very offputting, but also emotionally abusive.
Telling you what he wants and then making you feel guilty because you won’t do it is wrong.
Him doing things around the house doesn’t entitle him to something in return, it’s not tit for tat, he should be pulling his weight, and not asking for something in return.
I used to wear the undies and heels, now I don’t because I don’t want to, I have to walk to school etc and I don’t want to be uncomfortable doing it.
You have to be who you are, and if he can’t accept that then he’s not the one for you.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/10/2019 19:43

I think this man is abusive. He's certainly selfish, and his behaviour seems to be escalating. He's essentially not listening to OP at all and demonstrating that he doesn't consider her a person, but a service appliance for his needs.
I expect someone will come along whining shortly about it being too 'transactional' to suggest that men who do their share around the house have better sex lives, but no good relationship involves one person doing all the giving/compromising while the other simply issues lists of demands.
Also, 'date nights' with selfish men don't work. You end up in the Pizza Hut with him sighing and looking at his watch by the time you've finished your starter, and he won't want to let you order pudding because 'We've been out for dinner, now it's time for SEX'.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 20:11

He said yesterday he thinks I've just used him to have babies! And he thinks I don't care about him or love him, just the kids! Is that not a childish thing to say in itself?

Why is this a selfish thing to say? Maybe this is how he feels?

Why is it that your feelings are valid but his are childish?

He's trying to communicate with you. What do you want him to do? Just shut down?

You appear to not like him very much, let alone love him. Why are you still with him?

Dieu · 21/10/2019 20:24

It's fine not to want sex. But don't expect your marriage to last.

raspberryk · 21/10/2019 20:49

It does look like that thought doesn't it OP, you clearly wanted sex when ttc? Magically after the second DC you aren't interested...........

SleepingStandingUp · 21/10/2019 23:25

@raspberryk and you can't think of any other reason why a mom to two young kids, who does most of the household chores, most of the childcare plus works full time and with endometriosis would want less sex right now? And that's without the man whose trying to manipulate her into lying back with and thinking of England whilst he gets his end away.

TequilaPilates · 21/10/2019 23:51

plus works full time
Does she?

TheBeesKnee · 21/10/2019 23:56

YANBU but I am the 'husband' in my relationship and it's hurtful and baffling that my DP doesn't want to have sex with me. I feel rejected. I know he has a right to say no, but I feel like a sex pest nonetheless.

Butterymuffin · 22/10/2019 00:10

First off, you need to go back to the doctors and assertively say you need more treatment, you are still in pain and you're not prepared to just accept it carrying on like this. Women's pain is too often dismissed, especially in relation to childbirth / sexual health.

Second, he needs to do more. When you say
can I have a minute to take a shower, get the washing out the machine, and tidy away the toys before we bed down for the night?!
Why can't he do those last two things while you have a shower? If you ask him to, what does / would he say?

On the date night and childcare front, what about paid babysitters? You don't seem to be considering that as an option. It's one though that he could look for and book, and would shift the focus away from expecting you and your family to sort it all out.

Countryescape · 22/10/2019 00:33

Tell him to choose between couples counselling or the end of the relationship. There is no other option. I can say honestly OP that if he refuses counselling he really couldn’t care less about you and your relationship. He sees you as there to fulfill his needs only. I know that’s probably tough to hear but I’ve been in this position myself. If someone won’t put in any effort to improve the relationship it’s already over. Give him one more chance. Then split.

Amethystlila · 22/10/2019 00:35

it does look like that thought doesn't it OP, you clearly wanted sex when ttc? Magically after the second DC you aren't interested

Sex isn't love though, I don't get how not e joying sex as much as you used to means you don't love them/care.

VenusTiger · 22/10/2019 01:07

It’s catch 22 OP - he feels neglected, which isn’t s nice feeling, and so he’s being a bully towards you which is making you want to not have sex!

I read a brilliant comment recently on MN:

Women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved.

Talk.

TheSandman · 22/10/2019 01:23

I'm a man. Married 17 years - together 3 or so before that. I'm the SAHD and I do 90% of the housework around here (3 kids). My wife is just not interested any more. Not just in sex with me me but sex full stop. I miss it. I really miss it. But what I miss more than the grunty sweaty orgasm bit (though that was fun in itself) what I miss more than that is the post-coital cuddling together, the intimacy, and the closeness. Silly chit chat wordplay and snuggling. The gentle aftermath. Those moments. The sex was a route through to them. That's what I miss.

I have no idea if that helps with anything.

Interestedwoman · 22/10/2019 01:45

'I almost wish he'd just go masturbate sometimes so I don't have to 'do my duty'

You don't have to- tell him to go and have a wank. You don't have to have sex you don't want. Twice a week or less would be too much for a lot of people, let alone the amount he wants.

'as soon as they are in bed, he's on top of me!'

Hmmm. You know that's not good, rite?

And the comments about clothes etc- ugh!

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2019 03:34

@TequilaPilates should say part time. My point stands

Whataliberty · 22/10/2019 05:48

You poor thing. My exH used to be like this after I had a baby. I had stitches and he pressurised me constantly for sex. He called me frigid. He was an abusive in lots of other ways too though! It puts you off even more the constant badgering doesn't it?

TequilaPilates · 22/10/2019 06:57

SleepingStandingUp

And he's working full time, plus overtime plus presumably at home with the children while op works 3 evenings a week so he's hardly sitting at home with his feet up while she's doing everything is he?

This is where it starts to get silly - listing out all of the work that she's doing and just ignoring what he contributes to the household.

Of course op shouldn't have sex, or even be intimate with her husband if she doesn't want to.

Equally though he doesn't have to stay in a loveless marriage if he doesn't want to.

I guess what happens next depends on how much each of them want to stay in the marriage.

Purplelion · 22/10/2019 07:19

I can see this from both sides.

Whilst it isn’t nice for him to go on at you like he is, it also isn’t nice for him to feel rejected. Clearly you need a very frank discussion about both your expectations.

I know this won’t be a very popular opinion, but I hate the fact that so many women think their OH should just accept that because they have children they don’t want to be touched, are always knee deep in nappies, bottles, toys etc. Making time for each other, even busy evenings once the kids are in bed is SO important.
Personally I think some women do forget about their OH and I can understand them feeling neglected.
Things like doing washing, tidying, prepping dinner can all be done during the day (Regardless of who is home, I’m not saying it’s a woman’s job)
I’m saying this as someone who has 3 children, the youngest being 8 weeks. Once a week OH and I eat alone together once the kids are in bed, (Well the baby is asleep in the lounge with us) we watch a film and don’t have time on our phones.

I can completely understand the way he attempting to be intimate isn’t ok, but you need to tell him straight. We cuddle on the sofa when the kids are up. That can’t lead to anymore and it’s a nice way of feeling close. He kisses me when he gets in from work and I would actually be quite offended if he didn’t!

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