To not want to have sex

[Cloudsandrainbows]

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

@TequilaPilates the only point of listing out what she does and her medical issues is that there's a perfectly good reason she doesn't want sex every night - she's tired and in pain. The whole "just used him for babies" is such a crap excuse for not dealing with the issues in their relationship which aren't helped by him trying to coerce her into sex with emotional abuse.

But yes, he absolutely has the right to walk out on the marriage

I have to say that I do still love him and do want this marriage to work. He does work very hard which I appreciate, and I don't mind doing all the housework, I just wish when he did help, it was actually helpful! Like most men, I assume, he hates being asked to do anything, it's always nagging! Prime example was my bath last night which he kindly ran for me......DD wouldn't settle in bed and came into the bathroom while I'm in the bath asking for cuddles and for to take her back to bed....DH is in the next room on his phone and completely of ores what's going on so I cut my bath short to sort her out. I just don't get how he can switch off and not hear the meyhem going on around him. It is just a mum thing, that we are always listening out, even in the middle of the night?
Fortunately last night I was not pestered, but more given a bit of the silent treatment, so I feel he is still reeling from the revelation that sometimes I just don't want sex, and it's not the same for me anymore, and how he has made me feel with his comments. Perhaps he will attempt to change, or be more empathetic? Only time will tell. However at the time of the argument everything was my fault, I was the bad guy, he was the victim....why can he never accept or agree with my feelings or opinions. I appreciate he says he loves me and fancies me, but his actions are not turning me on. I've said my piece to him and hope we can get over this, but if the behaviour continues, I guess I'm forced to make him sit down and discuss.
I am going to ask for some time for myself next week while he is off work, and will offer him the same, is that fair enough?

No its not like most men to not like being asked to do anything and he SHOULD NOT NEED TO BE ASKED

You need to sit down and talk because sex is not your only issue it is symptomatic of how he perceives you - as the person who cooks, cleans, looks after his children and gives him sex. Not as an equal partner. As the bad guy with him as the victim. Its all imbalance.

He switches off because he sees it as your responsibility not his.

You need to address this OP because actually no he doesnt work very hard at anything except what he wants to do.

Any tips on having this conversation without him making it into an argument? I try to speak without pointing the finger, and rather than say you did this wrong .... I'll say you made me feel like this when you did that. I don't want to be the nagging wife!
I can see he is trying to think of me, by not wanting me to do overtime, (I have a problem with my back and my job is physical, I had to take time off when pregnant as it was too painful) But I want to work, I want to do a bit extra now and again to treat the kids etc. However he has been offered overtime and is doing 7 days this week! I'm grateful he's willing to do it for extra money for Christmas, but he made me feel so useless, as he had to point out how much more he earns than me, but work is the only escape I get from being a mum, and I don't know to make him see that although I appreciate him thinking of my health, I'm an adult and capable of making choices for myself and knowing my own limits. All these little things add up and I'm sure do subconsciously have an impact on how I feel about him, and in turn put me off sex as well as the pestering.
I'm really trying, but feel so defeated right now. I'm considering looking for a new job, but it would mean putting DS in childcare so don't think it would be worth it financially

What do you want him to do OP? It seems like you are saying you want him to stop asking for sex at all but then what? Will you approach him for it? I totally get it I really do, I work full time and have kids and I'm shattered and sex is the last thing I want but realistically if you dont try and be intimate the marriage will break down. I don't think this is just about sex or him doing more around the house it seems to me that you've lost your passion for your husband. I feel sorry for him in a way as he has lost the person he married. It's not fair to say he just has to accept it and more than anything you're missing out on intimacy too. Try and make the effort to have some time together without the kids. Get to know each other again and have fun and relax together. It really might help your libido

Hold on you work as well and do all of the housework

The problem you have is that even with the health thing it is him not seeing you as an equal in all of this. That is what needs to change is how he sees you

How do you split money?

Can see both sides here.

You need to talk.

We all have different roles in the relationship mother, best friend, lover etc.

Maybe it'll change once the baby's older and you get a chance to recover but basically you're telling him that in your relationship you no longer need him as lover but are happy to continue living as best friends.

Still needs to help out with the housework though.

There is a trend, of men thinking that they own their wives and girlfriends.

I remember when I refused sex to a boyfriend one time. And he said , "I thought when I was a relationship, that I would have it on tap".
He was unable to see me as a human being, with wants and needs on my own.

There was a case very recently about a young woman being raped in South Africa. She committed suicide. Hey boyfriend said that he didn't rape her. He said "how can some one forcefully eat their own food?"

There is also a case where Tom stranger allegedly raped his girlfriend Thordis Elva. They did a Ted talk on it.
He said that he just presumed that after a night out with his girlfriend , that he was entitled to sex with her. He said , that he would like to say to young men, that "you don't own your girlfriend".

It is good to tell men that their wants and needs to not take precedence over women's wants and needs. They have to learn this

It is good to tell men that their wants and needs to not take precedence over women's wants and needs. They have to learn this

Well yes, this is true. It's also true that a woman's wants and needs don't take precedence over the man's. They're in a relationship so the both need to have their needs met and if that doesn't happen then 1 or other will leave.

@angell84 - true but not what the OP is on about. Sex is or should be a part of marriage, enjoyable for both. Having kids can put a strain on that part but people need to work on their relationship or risk letting it fizzle out. What the OP is on about is her OH still wants sex and she doesn't. So she's looking for him to accept that they're just friends sharing a house and raising their kids. The big risk here is that if he still has a sexual need then he'll seek a relationship elsewhere as they no longer have a marriage but friendship.

@bigfatliar yes but I think that alot of men put their needs before women. We have had male celebrities saying lately that they do not see women as human. And they are taught to not see women as human, from an early age.

We need to stand up for ourselves more.

If some one tries to push me into sex again, I will say no.

I got injured, INJURED, the one time that I gave in to sex, when I didn't want it. My ex was a scumbag when I think of it. A nice guy would never push you into anything.

@turpentinewine but then you could also say that a problem with marriage, is that once someone gets married, they are expected to have sex that is not their choice.

If you are single - you choose when to have sex

@angell84 - The problem with marriage & sex is there are two people involved. If you want a relationship where you an have sex when 'you' want it then stay single, I'm sure you can find someone in a bar/club willing to accommodate. In marriage you sex should be consensual between husband and wife. Giving pleasure to each other should be part of the relationship. Of course if you just don't want sex its ok to say no. If its always no then accept that your OH may end the relationship.

@TurpentineWine some marriages do allow the person to have sex elsewhere.

I know about one married couple. The man does not want to have sex at all, due to mental health meds lowering his sex drive.

His wife has sex with other men.

So you don't have to be a marriage, and only have sex with your partner

@BigFatLiar yes she can choose not to have sex, and he can choose to leave the relationship. There are also other options - like she could let him have sex with other people.

I perosnally think that the old fashioned idea of marriage, where you only have sex with each other for your whole lives, is un natural. Many people have open relationships these days

I'm so confused, I see what a lot of people are saying and I appreciate he has wants and needs as much as me, including sex, and I'm not saying I never want sex, I'm just struggling to get in the mood, and his behaviour is not helping! I want to get back on track, but it is so much easier said than done. I want us to be more equal which is a difficult thing to achieve when he will always be the one earning the majority of the income to our house, therefore the one working more, meaning I will always be taking on more of the household tasks and looking after the kids in the day. I see other couples that both work full time with kids and it seems they have a much more equal role in looking after kids, household jobs etc and no doubt have a better relationship for it.
I want to feel wanted, but not like this where I feel like I am his to be owned and should provide a service of sex to him because he wants it and has been working all day.
I would like a little bit of gratitude for all the jobs I do. I might not earn the money, but a thanks wouldn't go amiss for the clothes that magically reappear from the laundry bin washed and ironed, and the food that appears in the fridge and transforms into dinner on the table. Just because what I do all day doesn't pay the bills doesn't mean it's pointless.
I want to be able to ask for time to myself, and not feel guilty if I go out on my own on one the weekends we have together.
I do appreciate him and always thank him when he helps with shopping or bathing kids etc, but I don't feel I get the same gratitude.
Perhaps PP are onto something asking him to live a week in my shoes. I'm up most days between 4&5am look after kids and do housework, cook dinner, shopping etc...he comes home and even if both kids are screaming and I'm trying to get dinner done, he always always goes and 'sorts himself out' first (goes to the toilet gets changed....sometimes a shower) ...but my day doesn't stop, as once he's home it's a rush to get the kids ready for bed then I go to work. He has the evenings when I'm at work to himself. Not that he doesn't deserve that as he's been working all day, but am I being unreasonable to want the same? So the few nights im not at work I don't want to be jumped on by him as soon as the kids are in bed. I would like some romance, get a bit of spark back, and to get that, I feel I need some time to myself to breathe, I'm never just me, I'm mum, wife, shelf stacker in that order

I appreciate the suggestion @angell84 but an open relationship is not for us. He is quite traditional, and would not sleep with someone else, I know that for sure.
He hasn't always been this much of a sex pest, it's been the last year really, even when I was heavily pregnant, although he was a bit less persistent when I declined then, and after a few bleeds I was advised to avoid sex, which helped.
I wonder if he is having some kind of midlife crisis. He's been stressed, but not really about anything in particular, well not that he's told me. I do try to talk to him but he's always on his phone, watching some crap on telly or trying to get his leg over

I think you need a long and open chat about how the current arrangements are not working for either of you and that is basically for you pushing sex to the back burner and for him to the front of his mind.

Everything is unequal at the moment in terms of how things are divided and it is causing ructions.

Sex is a symptom of all of this not a cause

to get pissed off of their wives start to withdraw from being sexy, sexual people and into a world of sensible shoes, cardigans and camomile tea. Its not really what anyone signs up for.

Really? In sickness and in health, for better or worse. Don't know about anyone else but I signed up knowing that things like having children and aging would change things. I suppose I should thank god that both DH and I were all sensible shoes and cardigans already.

3 - 6 times per month is not loads, not even "enough" for any couples I know.

It is plenty for most people. Fine if it isn't for you but OP is not being unreasonable not to want any more than that.

OP, I get it. It's hard to get yourself in the mood when you feel as if every kiss or cuddle could end in sex. Being pestered is not sexy at all. I also get the not being in the mood, my DS is 2 and I still can't be bothered most of the time and I haven't had anything like your difficulties. There are lots of reasons why couples will have spells where one or the other aren't as interested in sex, that's very normal. I agree with others that it's important to keep some sort of intimacy but it's difficult when you know that there will be an expectation of sex after that. I do think you need to have a proper chat with your DH.

I see other couples that both work full time with kids and it seems they have a much more equal role in looking after kids, household jobs etc and no doubt have a better relationship for it.

Research shows this isn't true. Women still do far more than men. Obviously doing his share around the house would mean you're less tired and more likely to be in the mood but don't get into the mindset of viewing your sex drive to be his responsibility.

you could also say that a problem with marriage, is that once someone gets married they are expected to have sex that is not their choice

I used to see it a bit like this. I thought that sex is something only an individual can consent to so it was perfectly reasonable for someone to stop consenting to it in a monogamous relationship and they had no obligation to offer any form of alternative. The background to this is that I saw sex as a "dirty want" rather than a legitimate need. Affection I saw as a legitimate need. Quality time and shared interests I saw as legitimate needs. Sex was sort of like a big chocolate cake with loads of toppings and ice cream - nobody needs that but it is quite possible to really, really want it so much it hurts.

It took therapy to heal conflicts with my husband to view it as a need and that meant that like leaving a partner who isn't affectionate or has no shared interests, he could legitimately walk away from this relationship just because it wasn't sexually satisfying for him. It helped me see it as the same as anything else I was working on about myself, like being less.... intense, like his need for protected time from guests at home whereas I always had an open house policy. I didnt feel like I was having to deliver sex to keep my husband. I saw that we needed to be more sexually compatible to have a healthy relationship which made us both happy.

@chilledbee sex is not a need.

People go for years without sex.

No one ever died from a lack of sex!