To not want to have sex

[Cloudsandrainbows]

So I had a row last night with DH, he wanted to have sex I didn't. Is there something wrong with me? We've been married 5 years have 2 kids, primary school age, and 10month old. I'm just not interested! It's not always that I'm tired, although aren't we all?! I'm just struggling to feel in the mood.
He bangs on about when we were first together and I would touch him up in the kitchen and it would be exciting, and we'd have sex sometimes more than once 😯, and at least 5 days a week. Am I being unreasonable to say he can't expect it to be like that anymore?!
I had a terrible birth with my first and she was 9 months old before we had sex again, (he was very good and understanding at this point) but for me it just isn't the same, but I don't think he understands. I feel he is pressurising me now, and he has a go at me if I don't come rushing when he comes home. I'm usually knee deep in nappies or in the middle of cooking dinner, but he thinks I'm making excuses. He has also commented several times about me not wearing all the nice underwear I used to....and when shopping for some new winter boots he keeps picking up high heels. I just want something comfy, I'm doing the shopping and school run, I don't want to wear heels! The pressure and constant crude comments are really making me upset, and the pressure is making it harder for me to enjoy it. I do it to shut him up most of the time and it can take a long time for me to get into the swing of it and start enjoying it, but most of the time I'm just hoping it's over quickly! What do I do???

I am fucking shocked to see people excuse abusive behaviour.

I am fucking shocked to see people place blame at OPs door.

I am absolutely fucking shocked at the lack of understanding.

The fuck is wrong with people?!

OP, your first post had a line towards the end. Something along the lines of 'When I do finally agree to do it, it's just to shut him up'. This is called coercion and its fucking awful you are having this happen to you.

Constantly pestering someone to give in to sex and then emotionally manipulating them by saying 'you obviously dont love me anymore then' so they give in is a form of abuse and its fucking disgusting.

My ex used to do this and honestly, by the time I finished it, I was physically repulsed by him. He used to come behind me and grab my breasts when I was doing the dishes or pull my pyjama shorts down just to gawp at my fanjo. He'd offer to buy me something (even something as small as a sauce whilst we were shopping) and then hold it above my head and say "Only if you promise to have sex with me later". It was fucking awful. In the early days when I had depression, he would emotionally manipulate me and say I obviously didnt love him anymore or wasnt attracted to him. It would constantly be turned around to be about him and how it hurt his feelings. Very little regard for my own mental state and feelings.

I think if you're going into counselling together you need to raise this as a major issue. If he continues, you are not going to want to have sex with him. Ever.

Parenthood makes you feel touched out enough as it is. You are doing what you can. You should not have to put up with this shit. I'm so sorry you're going through it and I'm fucking pissed off for you that so many people have told you it's your fault. It's fucking not.

. I completely agree with you, supporting each other through life, being affectionate, talking about the things that you're stressed about are essential parts of a relationship, but that's not the problem here...

Well, yes it is if you read all of the ops posts and not just the bits about sex.

He told her that he feels sidelined and that she only wanted him for babies - that's what she said was childish. If that's how he feels then that's very sad.

I don't think childish is precisely the right word for it...

Fair enough. Although it's the 'I want, I want, be what I want' that's childish, the ignoring of all of the complications and difficulties of real life 'manchildness' I'm thinking of.

He told her that he feels sidelined and that she only wanted him for babies

Manipulative crap. This is a man that wants his wife to be available all the time.

How do you know it is manipulative crap? Is it inconceivable that anyone could feel this way?

Because he wants sex every day. Every day. And he can't see that is unreasonable for a woman who is ill and had a baby only months ago. I'm not saying he doesn't feel sidelined...it's difficult when you have DC, I can totally understand that. The problem is that he's using this to try and pester her into having more sex.

Manipulative crap.

You can read minds then?

Obviously if this were a woman saying how she felt then it would completely true and she would get a sympathetic ear because her horrible husband didn't care about her feelings.

However, since this is a man talking about his feelings it's just manipulative.

Placemarking for later to add too

From what she posted it simply sounds as if she's knackered. Needs a break. Its easy to be the full time busy mum and let the relationship with OH die. If possible find time for yourselves to reconnect as a couple (not easy with kids). Maybe if you have time together child free to be a couple (dinner/cinema etc) you may recover some of that feeling, a little bit of romance and courting rather than sex. Otherwise is he willing to cope with a sexless marriage? Is this just a temporary situation? An open marriage has been suggested, would you be willing to see him going out with other women? Would he want to, some men do really see sex as part of a relationship same as women do? You shouldn't have to put up with the pestering. You two need to sit down and talk about where you're heading.

He sounds like the arsehole I dumped just over 3 months ago....

Sulking and whining and all that "you should be flattered. You wouldn't like it if I didn't fancy you" crap. Grrrrrrrr sorry, don't miss it one bit

Hi all, just an update. Today has been pretty good, he has come home and come to me for a hug and kiss, rather than 'sorting himself out' immediately and later moaning I didn't come running when he walked in the door. I was in the kitchen, cooking dinner as usual. There has been no pestering, but I still feel like I'm getting a bit of the silent treatment, and he is still in a bit of a mood about the row. I did, without being asked kiss him and cuddle him in bed, and he took it no further! Massive surprise! So although he argued when I said how I felt, maybe it has sunk in and he can see my side of things?
I also note the valid point of his feelings not necessarily being childish. You can't help how you feel, and I have made the argument before that if I'm upset about something (even a sad news story, or film) he shouldn't judge if I'm right or wrong to be upset, just care that I am upset. So I will try to be more considerate of his feelings, but I need my feelings to have value too, and don't accept how I feel being twisted into me not loving him or finding him attractive, as there are many reasons I feel the way I do.
As for money, I still don't really know why he's working 7 days this week, we are comfortable enough. We will likely need a new car next year and he refuses to borrow any money so I know he's thinking about that. We agree we all need a holiday, but after going to the travel agent and him getting really excited, he back tracked when we got home and said it was too expensive and kept looking at cheaper options which would not have been what we wanted, and we ending up not booking anything! Hoping to get his passport renewed and one for DD before Christmas as surprise and step closer to holiday.. although not sure how to get him to get his passport picture done without him knowing 😂
Now onto PP babysitting suggestions, great idea but it's not for us, not sure if i'd ever feel comfortable paying and trusting a stranger, even with checks and references, and DD is ASD diagnosed and will not cope with that all. Which leads me to explain a little more about DD .... I have found the whole diagnosis process so upsetting. I cried for a week solid once we got the diagnosis, it physically hurt me, my little girl is perfect to me and you have someone telling you how many problems she's going to face, and saying how well we 'cope' and 'manage' her. She's my DD ffs! Nothing is too difficult or too much of a problem, I would die for her! DH hasn't ever really shown any emotion about it, and only recently said it's because he's trying to protect me.....I would rather he did show emotion, and let me know I'm not alone in this, and I've told him this. He does seem a bit more understanding but as I am the one looking after her most of the time, I know how she ticks, and he can be quite dismissive, and say she'll get over it, when he suggest things I don't think she'll be able to handle. Sometimes he's right but other times it blows up in my face, not his. I am the one who deals with the fall out of changes in routine as I'm the one at home, and sometimes I think he doesn't worry as he knows he won't have to deal with it. I guess this is an added strain to the relationship not everybody has.
I will hopefully one day get back to the doctors, but I don't want anymore surgery, so doubt there is anything they can do

I'm sorry you're feeling so tough op. It does sound to me like your DD s needs make this all more intense for you and contribute to your feeling that the kids must always come before you and husband. I don't feel like I always have to put my daughter first, and i don't think I'm a bad mum.

It does also sound to me like your dh has heard you and tried to adapt based on what you said. If he's getting it right, let him know. It might raise his hopes that you will want sex, but all you can do is be honest and hope an improved atmosphere might allow you to talk without a row.
My DH very rarely wants sex - or he'll say he wants it but is too tired - it's been a steady decline since we married actually but dropped off a cliff when I got pregnant with my first. And I'm sure I did pester and massively put him off. It's so hard when you're feeling desperately needy and insecure NOT to pester. You know his sex drive of course but for me, I'll ask very frequently not because I want it very frequently, but because I haven't had it for ages and feel so lonely and rejected. I mean, I might ask/seek to initiate every day for a week. Maybe on the first day he says he's tired and so the next day I think, maybe he's not tired today so I try again. But if I had had sex the first day, I'd be unlikely to ask again, iyswim. I don't know because I've never tried, but I think if DH declined sex the first night and said 'im so tired after work - but can we make a date for it on Saturday night?' that would really help me. I'm not a sex gerbil, I can obviously wait a week - but it would reassure me that it's not off the table, he isn't disgusted by me, he cares about intimacy in our relationship. Could you try something like that?

I have by no means got to the bottom of this with dh - we're in counselling triggered by other issues but I very much want to discuss sex at some point in counselling and actually since starting to work on counselling he has said the same. I don't know if you can get DH on board with counselling but I can tell you, although we have had to scrimp to afford it, it is the only thing that has a hope of saving our marriage. It is worth it.

This situation is very similar to my own, however i am the man so can maybe talk about it from another point of view. We also have 2 kids a dd with ASD and a 11 month old dd2. same situation, i have a higher sex drive, however wife is tired, ill or not in the mood etc.

Now i believe i do my fair share around the house i also work full time while DW is training to become a teaching assistant to get a job that fits around the children better. Now i know how tiring it can be to look after the children all day and the baby is extremely clingy at the moment so i know DW struggles to get things done etc so i will always come home and help her with the tidying up, walking the dog etc.

I used to nag quite a bit about sex but i think i have got better about it now especially since the new baby, but i suggested that just once a week would be fine for me at the moment [which i don't think is a huge ask] i mean were only 29/30. At the moment it seems to be every 2 weeks or so. The most frustrating thing is that when we are doing it i know she is enjoying it and shes fully into to it. It is definitely just breaking down that first barrier of her wanting to do it.

sometimes it can be very frustrating when she says no because she is tired. i know she has the kids etc but i also work shifts at a lot of the time have to be up to get to work for 2am and will be back home late afternoon. so i barely get any sleep but i would still make sure i try to put some time into our relationship. although i do understand tiredness due to little sleep is probably different to running around after 2 kids all day etc.

You say its not that you never want it again, but do you tell him this or do you just constantly say no. I have said to my wife befor that i completely understand if she does not want it but instead of saying no outright, it would be a lot less of a blow if she said oh not tonight i don't feel great but how about we spend some time together over the weekend or something like that. i guarantee he will stop nagging if he knows that you will be doing it in a couple of days time.

Now my wife hates romance [weird i know] but on the odd occasions that we are doing it at the moment i would love for her to actually initiate it or make an effort of some kind. nothing worse than making a man feel like a sex pest by only doing it if he initiates it.

Im not overly worried about my situation at the moment while the baby is still young but if it was still the same in a year or so then i would start to worry.

sorry for the long post...

@TotHappy thanks for your post. I would like to try counselling but don't know how to get him on board. How did you go about finding a counsellor? I'm also worried what I'd do with the kids when we go. How often do you go, once a week?

Thank you @amd4578 we really aren't alone in this situation, so pleased to hear, but sorry for your struggles too! Funnily enough I wanted to train as a teaching assistant to fit around kids and earn a better wage and not work nights, but after a brief look I was baffled by different courses, the prices were out of my reach and not sure how I'd fit it in when I already work 3 nights. I didn't want to make my relationship suffer anymore, although I feel in the long run it would good for us. So out of interest when/how/where is your DW doing her training?
I will take on board your comments and try to give an alternative rather than a flat no. However after sex 2 nights in a row over the weekend, he tried again for a 3rd time which is what caused the row, so not sure he would be quite as patient as you sound you have been with your DW, but here's hoping for change 🤞

ah yea for me once we have done it i probably don't ask again for about 4-7 days. so my wife somehow managed to get the course for free as she was technically still on maternity leave from her old job but never went back. [hated it after 10 years of working there]. im not entirely sure on the course name i know its level 2 something. she does 4 hours at college and 1 day a week at a school. obviously its hard not having the 2 wages but id much rather her be happy and have less money.

I don't really have much advise just here to tell you I feel exactly the same! I wish so much that I had a sex drive like I used to be I just don't.

I found our counsellor on the BACP directory. Google it. It's the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists so everyone on there is registered and accredited. You can narrow it by post code and then again by type of counselling - e.g. couples or sexual. It's fine to discuss sex in couples therapy obviously, especially as it sounds like you may need to address wider issues - however you generally find that those advertising sexual therapy have more direct experience and training s may be more helpful. Once you've done your filters you get a list of matches and each one has a profile with a bit about themselves and a list of their qualifications/ specialities. Not everyone is qualified to the same level but it's about getting a good fit too. 3 years ago when I was first pregnant we went to Relate which I found rubbish - the woman seemed ignorant to me and it was really expensive and inconvenient. You don't get a choice over who you see in the same way and it's bizarrely expensive given its a charity.
Lots of those listed on the BACP list their prices or you can email and ask them. Some offer a discount on first session to see if you fit. I chose one that can be flexible - so you don't have to see her every week, there's no minimum number of sessions, you can go on as long or little as you like. A lot of them do want weekly regular sessions but the flexibility is important to us because of childcare and money and we started off once a fortnight but have just gone to once a week (2 months in).
I asked my mum to look after DD while we go. She already has her one morning a week while I work bless her so it's easy on DD. If she couldn't have had her I don't know what I'd do - it's really bloody hard to access counselling for couples with kids isn't it? Our sessions are 50 minutes, that's pretty normal.

I don't know how you can get DH on board - I said we were done and I couldn't go on in the relationship anymore and then he finally agreed to counselling. But I'm not recommending that as a threat, I really meant it. And even then he agreed but said 'im not going for me, I think you're the one who needs it". (I just let that shit go because I was thinking we could use the counseling as mediation for a split). It was as if he had to frame it as my problem so he wouldn't look weak or crazy. And on the surface he's a liberal, modern man but there seems to be a strong, unconscious streak of macho bravado. Now we're in counselling he freely admits it's for both of us and it's what we need.
Perhaps you could frame it as a positive in that... He's been asking for date nights etc and you want to get things back on track too, so would he join you in this so you can both map out a way forward? Almost like the counselling IS the date night, it's special time for the two of you to be all about you.

Sorry for length.

It won't work if he doesn't have care and compassion for you. You are looking after the needs of two little kids and then expected to look after his needs as well after that. If he helped you relax eg came home and took over the making the dinner/getting kids sorted while you had a bath, if he was making an effort to do what turned you on and gave you pleasure you wouldn't be waiting for it to be over (and might be up for returning the favour). Things have changed, your sexuality/desire/body is different and things need to change in your relationship to bring intimacy, care and respect back between you - not just sex on its own.

Thanks @amd4578 doubt I'd ever be able to do the course as would need to pay childcare to go school and college, maybe one day when the kids are grown up, by by then I won't need school hours work 😂 life is sent to try us!

Thanks @TotHappy I will have to do some research into the right counsellor, although the childcare may be the hardest part! I suppose we could take DS with us if he just sleeps in his buggy? But DD 🤔 no idea at the moment! Maybe an after school club would give us some time

"As for money, I still don't really know why he's working 7 days this week, we are comfortable enough. We will likely need a new car next year and he refuses to borrow any money so I know he's thinking about that."

This is what I was going to ask you and sadly the answer doesn't surprise me at all. He's doing "all this overtime" simply because he's choosing to, not because you need it as a family. It goes hand-in-hand with the cars and the holidays - hes simply gotten into the habit of taking and not giving.

You're exhausted with the housework and the childcare, and rather than put in more time at home with you taking on some of it, he's taken the "working mans" out of being at work more and more under the excuse of "I'm very important and earning money".
That leaves him sitting comfortably at work, no kids asking for anything, no chores to do, only the extra prestige of looking important and getting coffees. He then gets to waltz home in the evening claiming he's too tired to help much and looking for attention and sex from you after you've done most of the grunt work around the house, expecting to eat the dinner you've cooked.

Even him taking more time doing this voluntary overtime is taking something at your expense - you're clearly desperate to get some kind of identity back as a person outside the home and he has smacked that down by saying its pointless because "he earns more", not seeing or choosing to not see that that was never the point and its you not being a faceless skivvy thats the point, not the money that the household actually doesnt even need.

This sounds miserable for both adults.
What emotional need does either of you satisfy in the other?