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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

339 replies

Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:02

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

OP posts:
Collision · 20/10/2019 19:04

I think I would cut my losses and leave him.

I couldn’t respect someone so pathetic.

Harsh but true.

TheTrollFairy · 20/10/2019 19:04

Who’s paying the bills?
Why didn’t you find a job in the 10 months he was out of work?

Bloomburger · 20/10/2019 19:04

Get him t9 do a credit check in front of you so you can see the real story.

Gingernaut · 20/10/2019 19:05

Do not take out any loans and do not use any more of your inheritance to pay off the debts.

What's he doing to repay the debts?

How did the debt accumulate?

Why is he still in debt? Is he continuing to rack up more?

Get rid of/freeze credit cards

Leeds2 · 20/10/2019 19:06

How is he funding alcohol?

Is he working now?

Windydaysuponus · 20/10/2019 19:06

Surely throwing more money at such a feckless fucker is futile?

enjoyingscience · 20/10/2019 19:06

Urgh, he will bleed you dry. This is a pattern for life’s now, not just a blip. Could you think about leaving? I don’t think I could stay with someone with so little respect for my family.

Bigregrets19 · 20/10/2019 19:07

Just say you can't get one and you've tried.

MrsApplepants · 20/10/2019 19:08

What is he spending all the money on?

Dawninglory · 20/10/2019 19:08

He was out of work for 10mths, where did the £30,000 bill come from?? Does he gamble?

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 19:13

Not a chance.

He is going to bleed you dry.

What do you want to do, do you want to stay with him? That's the real question.

Is there any justification for him running out at the end of the month - is he just not earning enough to cover genuine outgoings? That's a bit different from reckless spending.

If you come back on and post about his Starbucks habit and refusal to make packed lunches for work then leave him, no doubt about it. Not joking... and take advice on protecting your cash before you do, as you are married.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 19:14

Actually sorry OP - I speed read a bit - he drinks?

Leave.

EmrysAtticus · 20/10/2019 19:14

Absolutely do not bail him out! I am all for giving people a chance. DH revealed a lot of hidden debt this year but he immediately acknowledged it was a problem, sought help, is now transparent with money and knows that there isn't a second chance.

Purpleartichoke · 20/10/2019 19:15

While I normally prefer shared finances, in your case you are right to Them separate. I would want a full accounting of his finances and to make a plan together for his financial recovery. You can decide at that point if it involves a loan.

Going forward, he should provide full transparency to his finances even if you don’t loan him money. His irresponsibility impacts your and the child(ten). You have a right to know he is sticking to a budget.

NoraThePessimist · 20/10/2019 19:15

The problem here is that his financial position isn't ever fixed, it's a problem that, unless you see a 100% clear, tangible & realistic plan to resolve and get on steady footing.. well, you're just pissing away your inheritance.

You're going to have nothing left unless the behaviour here changes.

Have you told your husband this?

Basically as long as he just keeps kicking the can down the road, you're just going to end up bankrupt with nothing left. Something needs to change (his spending, maybe you earning, whatever). If you can form a plan together for that, great, otherwise I'd seriously consider cutting my losses here.

I've seen a relative get dragged down into a lifetime of work/childcare while their partner pissed it all away, they're now bankrupt, but 15 years too late, because despite both working, they've both got nothing to show for it, and yes, it involved the sale of an inherited house that just got frittered away on nothing, now they can't even scrape together enough financial savvy to get & keep a private rental without getting kicked out within the year. It's sad, a life half lived.

FuckOffBoris · 20/10/2019 19:16

If - IF - you want to help, it is on the basis that you have full disclosure and full control over all financial commitments. That includes him having no credit cards, no extra loans, you give him an allowance if he really needs petty cash. And if you find out he has lied to you, you will be leaving him.

And if he is willing to agree all of that - are you willing to live like that?

justasking111 · 20/10/2019 19:27

I would not be studying if I was stuck with a financial mess like this. You should have delayed your study if you thought you would have to bail him out again. I doubt you would get a loan because you are studying.

NotStayingIn · 20/10/2019 19:27

Sorry OP I would leave. If my partner was financially irresponsible, had problems with alcohol and was 'dragging me down in so many ways' I would lose all respect and love for him. The fact he is asking you to get yet another loan is a total piss take.

DonnaDarko · 20/10/2019 19:29

Cut him off,don't allow him to use your inheritance when he's run out of money.

He won't change, especially as he knows you can bail him out.

It sounds like he might be gambling, otherwise I can't understand why he is generating so much debt.

cabbageking · 20/10/2019 19:30

He didn't pay the loan off last time?

You are enabling him.

TamarindCove · 20/10/2019 19:31

How did he accumulate a tax bill of £30k? Was he self employed before he was unemployed?

Has the debt been paid off and then accumulated again or was it only partially cleared?

I would want a clear understanding of the current financial position along with an understanding of how the debt accumulated. I may then help prioritise repayments to reduce the debt (and possibly negotiating with creditors depending on how manageable the debt is), but there's no way I would give him a penny more of the inheritance or transfer any of the debt into my name.

Lifeisabeach09 · 20/10/2019 19:31

As PP said--definitely order a credit report from one of the major reporting agencies (Experian, for instance) to find out what he owes. As you know, you could be liable jointly as his wife.
And, definitely, say no to a loan.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:33

Thanks for all the responses. I am just reading through them all. He is not earning enough to cover our outgoings. We pay so much on a rental and I tried to find a much cheaper rental and we were all poised to move, then we find out he has CCJ on debt so they said no. So we are stuck. I have been a SAHM, in the months he was out of work I tried to get work in my profession but my experience is all in another country and it wasn't easy. I earned a bit of money. Now I am back at uni training desparate to move into this new career and start earning.

I don't know how he racked up £30,000. But after that I said never again will you do this to me. But it is just ongoing. He knows I can bail him out due to inheritance and so I have to. Right now he has no money, one week until he is paid and DD birthday and half term. He got angry as we went away over summer. But this is organised all year - not like it crept up. My sympathy is waning and he tries to blame me for the money he gives me. He has never repaid a cent of my inheritance.

I agree - he needs to be completely transparent. Where could we go financially to sort this out?

He is in so deep and it is affecting his mental health which is not good for the family. He wont talk to me about it, Hs excuse in the past is that he does not want to worry me.

I feel so stuck.

OP posts:
mindproject · 20/10/2019 19:34

Leave him. He will ruin your life if you stay.

purplepalace · 20/10/2019 19:35

He is not earning enough to cover our outgoings.

Basically you cannot afford to be a SAHM, you need to get a job and start contributing to your monthly outgoings.

If he's getting in debt trying to keep a roof over his family's head then that is your debt too not just his.

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