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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

339 replies

Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:02

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

OP posts:
sansou · 20/10/2019 20:44

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt
Is your DH working and bringing in some income then?

timeisnotaline · 20/10/2019 20:49

Both of you have issues! Of course I would expect transparency if taking out loans for my husband (I can’t imagine not having a view of the finances anyway) , but you were on mat leave and he lost his job. Shouldn’t you say ‘WE paid our rent and WE paid our bills and WE had a holiday, then would you believe there was debt and he expected me to kick in?’ What did you think you were living on? Why don’t you take any responsibility for your living costs?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 20/10/2019 20:49

It does sound a bit like you can't find work so were a sahm. but his getting made unemployed was his problem. His income funded both of you but your inheritance is yours alone. You say he overspends each month, but it is supporting the family.

If he isn't blowing it on frivolities then it is family debt tbh and you can't afford to be a full time student and sit on inheritance.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/10/2019 20:49

The OP is from another country to the one she's currently living in (presumably the U.K.?) and the undergraduate degree from her home country may not be fully recognised. Getting a Master's from her current country of residence could give her a huge leg-up career-wise - plus it's a shorter program, a year or two of full-time study. She could be in a good job by this time next year.

That's what happened to me when I moved to the U.S.A. - had a good degree from an British university but employers over here knew nothing about it. Getting a Master's from a prestigious American university has made a big difference - plus they're shorter programs.

percheron67 · 20/10/2019 20:51

The man sounds like a walking disaster. Please do not let him have any more of your inheritance or take out any loans for him. You need to safeguard your future. I hope you can safeguard your future.

Aunaturalmama · 20/10/2019 20:52

If they didn’t have inheritance money they would do as every other person would, make payments slowly on the debt and have it not affect your life.
They just started counseling. You gotta give time. Can’t just sign up for counseling expect changes to happen in your own time frame and then leave when it’s not in your time frame. She needs to decide if she is bailing out on her marriage or going to help her partner through this.

user1471549213 · 20/10/2019 20:53

You need to take control of your financial situation. He has a job now and therefore has pay slips. You can find out exactly how much money is coming in per month. Sit down together and write out all of your monthly expenses. And I literally mean all....Netflix, food shopping, fuel bills, rent, council tax, loan repayments, eating out, alcohol, lunch costs etc. Go to step change, or the UK equivalent, they will look and your ins and outs and advise you what they can negotiate for you. If you are not covering your expenses then quite simply you either have to use your inheritance to get by or put uni on hold and get a job.

My husband wouldn't have been great with finances. Spending what comes in each month without thought for annual bills etc but we did the above and now see where we can save money and put it to bettwr use.

Good luck

RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns · 20/10/2019 20:54

He hasn't learned from previous issues so I would leave him.

If you do stay I would expect complete financial transparency from him ie access to bank statements, create a budget together, show you his credit report and access stepchange or similar

Thanks
Aunaturalmama · 20/10/2019 20:55

When the first debts happened she should have discontinued his access to that much funding and give him a pay as you go card until he is under control. Or ya know take the easy way out and just leave and cut your losses? However she said he didn’t start out this way and is becoming this way. To me shows she needs to help him through it since it’s just a season

MissLadyM · 20/10/2019 20:57

He sounds like a real user. He's just going to bleed you try because he knows you will keep bailing him out. What a fucker loser!

Bouledeneige · 20/10/2019 20:59

As someone who has never relied on a man for money I don't quite understand how you have shared responsibility for the household finances? If you were on your own OP how would you have supported yourself except with your inheritance?

As soon as this situation occurred you should have taken equal responsibility and sat down and gone through all of your finances together and agreed how you were both going to get out of this mess -
through downsizing, both working more, cutting your expenses, using the inheritance, getting loans or going bankrupt. Maybe the expense of doing a /masters degree should have been put on hold? Maybe you should also have been working all the hours you could to get your household out of this mess?

You now need to do that - sit down and consider all the options. And to share the responsibility for sorting it out. If you both spend more than you both earn its a shared responsibility. Time to grow up.

Aunaturalmama · 20/10/2019 21:04

@AmICrazyorWhat2

Do you know what a tax credit is? That’s for his wages yes? So this is THEIR debt as she decided not to work and to stay home with kids and study. So this woman is choosing to stay home while her husband works his butt off making a great wage to owe that much in taxes.... while she is attempting to live off her inheritance and study? And then leaving as she doesn’t like that he can’t afford to support her while she studies? What a wild concept.

BlueJava · 20/10/2019 21:05

Please do not take any more loans out or give him anything else from your inheritance. Why not ise your inheritance to establish yourself somewhere else and.continue your course. He is a leech, i don't believe he will get better either. You.would be really going some to spend all that in oooze even with a problem - so it is going elsewhere. Sorry OP please look after yourself.

ChickenyChick · 20/10/2019 21:05

I Don 't know how much inheritance you have left but if you divorce now he may get half.... But if you stay he week take all

Have seen my cousin do this to his wife. She has bailed him out over 30 years! He went through her 100k like it was nothing and that was just the start

Oh, and he never changed! She got very good at earning money and he took out loans, over and over

SunniDay · 20/10/2019 21:09

Hi OP,
Do you expect your husband to pay everything for the whole household, for himself, you and the children, while you keep your inheritance for yourself? If so why is his money for all of you but yours only for yourself?

Lots of people would struggle to support a family alone in a high rent area - I think you needs to either get a job and contribute or contribute monthly from your inheritance until you are working.

If you choose to leave your husband I expect you will need to spend your inheritance supporting yourself and your kids - especially if you have more savings than is allowed when claiming benefits.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2019 21:10

Sever your finances from his, OP and look at your options for separation. It's the lying that is the issue. You found out about the limited company and his disqualification from google. Yours is not a marriage that means much to him so don't feel a shred of guilty.

Get away from him, take your child - and he can pay his dues to his child without having you as a prop - and pay what he owes too.

He will suck the life out of you, having blown through your inheritance.
That is not what they would have wanted for you. Get proper legal advice and make plans to leave before it's too late.
.

LifeImplosionImminent · 20/10/2019 21:12

Also it’s not YOUR inheritance. It’s both of yours if you’re married.

THIS!

You were happy to live on his great salary when the sun was shining. Don't get me wrong, this is a worrisome situation, but your posts smack of fairweather marriage. You need to BOTH sort this out together before his debts pull you both under.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/10/2019 21:24

@Aunaturalmama

My real issue is that it sounds as if he concealed their financial woes from her until things were desperate and potentially even lied. I do think it was (still is) perfectly reasonable for the OP to use part of her inheritance to cover their household bills when her DH was out of work and also now if they need it until she finishes her degree and get a job to contribute financially.

She thought his salary would cover everything until she graduated, but more debts keep coming to light.

What I don't like is the lack of openness until things got desperate.

Re. Tax Credits. No, I don't know anything about them as I'm not currently in the U.K. and didn't use them when I was.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/10/2019 21:24

If my DH got into a financial mess accidentally and sat down with me and worked through all the problems, then I would bust a gut to help him sort it out.

If he got himself into a mess, refused to discuss it, refused to explain how the mess happened and what steps he was taking to sort it out but instead expected me to step in each time and dig him out then I would be telling him to take some bloody responsibility instead of dumping it all on me.

worriedandannoyed · 20/10/2019 21:28

What does he need money for this week? You need to take control of the bills, make sure he has enough money for the essentials such as travel to work. Why should he walk round with money in his pocket to fritter away and expect you to take out a loan! No way!

Schuyler · 20/10/2019 21:29

It seems like you’ve both relied on another and expected each other’s money. Prior to the first child being born, did you ever discuss how you’d share finances? He’s been a total arse but that inheritance should be shared, especially is his wages have always been shared.

MitziK · 20/10/2019 21:29

If you left him tomorrow, he'd only try and take 50% of your remaining inheritance from you and your DC.

If you stay with him, he'll take 100%.

BlackCatSleeping · 20/10/2019 21:45

If you left him tomorrow, he'd only try and take 50% of your remaining inheritance from you and your DC.

If you stay with him, he'll take 100%.

I'm curious how the OP is going to support herself if she left him. She has no job.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/10/2019 21:48

The OP works weekends at the moment whilst she studies. Maybe using her inheritance to support herself and the DC would be a better idea than pouring into the black hole of her husband’s debts and spending.

nottodaysatanlucifer · 20/10/2019 21:54

Don't trust him when he says it'll help. He's got himself into this hideous mess for a reason - he's terrible with money.

He will continue to drag you down.

I'll never understand why people would put themselves through this stress just because they love someone. He's not thinking of you when he's taking money from your inheritance, or his drinking problem. Cut your losses and end it.

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