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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

339 replies

Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:02

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

OP posts:
VirtualHamster · 20/10/2019 19:49

If my partner was unemployed and I was also not working, if I had to dip into inheritance/savings to get by I wouldn't expect him pay it back. I think it's a bit strange that you would if married.

PepePig · 20/10/2019 19:50

@Yolo89

he would get more stressed with the children all weekend

I don't mean to be rude, but they're his children, aren't they? If so, I'm afraid you've been far too soft on him for far too long. He needs to be able to look after his own children for a full day. It doesn't matter if he gets stressed, he needs to step up and start acting like a man, and an adult. You need to throw him in at the deep end at some point or you're going to be forever bailing him out.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:51

There's no disclosure on his part at all. He has used my inheritance and never paid it back even though I said I wanted it paid back for the childrens education. I am livid.

I am not going to get a loan and I am going to tell him to get a financial planner ? to sort himself out. Me bailing him out is not the answer.

Discord - I could not get a job in my own career. I tried other things. This course was the only way I could see into a new career. Honestlyt I tried lots of things but nothing worked. It wont be long.

DH earns a very good day rate. Before the debt we had a great life and were comfortable on this a amount. but he has periods of unemployment etc and this pushes us backwards

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:53

Virtual - but dip into - would you bailing him out £50, 000 at least?

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:53

Pepe - he has a health condition making it difficult

OP posts:
SoyDora · 20/10/2019 19:54

Don’t you think you should be contributing towards the family expenses?

Span1elsRock · 20/10/2019 19:55

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

He's not going to change.

He's done this knowing you have the funds to bail him out................

lavalampy · 20/10/2019 19:55

I don't think you'd be able to get a loan anyway with no income yourself. Unless he means loan him the inheritance?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:55

Hyachth - he is going to counselling as his health condition is the root of his issues, I may do joint counselling with him later but it was decided we do counselling separately first. He has lots to sort out.

Thank you for your kind words. I don't know what will happen. He so did not start like this.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 20/10/2019 19:56

Why are people saying that the OP should fund his continuing debts from money she had set aside? So he can do whatever he wants, keep helping himself to the OP's money and she has to let him do that why? Because he has a penis?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 20/10/2019 19:57

lava - no probably not.

No I have flat out refused the inheritance as a loan and he said he woudnt take a loan from this - though is happy to take my inheritance

OP posts:
ChilliMayo · 20/10/2019 19:57

Just find yourself a little rental big enough for you and the children and use your inheritance to pay 6/12 months rent up front and quietly leave, as many many posters have told you to do. Continue to use your inheritance whilst you finish your university study and then make a life for you and your dc.
The lying will never stop.

DefinitelyNOTamum · 20/10/2019 19:57

Sounds like a grade A leech.

Leave him or he will suck you dry, emotionally and financially

Aunaturalmama · 20/10/2019 19:57

Well first of all you aren’t “bailing him out” if you are married. It’s called helping each other out.
However if it’s an alcohol issue you need to get him in a rehabilitation center as soon as possible. 30k In alcohol debt (assuming anyways since he kept it secret) is insane and means he is no longer in control of his habits.

DishingOutDone · 20/10/2019 19:58

Don’t you think you should be contributing towards the family expenses - I mean @SoyDora apart from looking after his DC and working part time, paying his debts off whilst she is Bank of Woman to him, I mean apart from that, what has the OP ever contributed? Hmm

LIZS · 20/10/2019 19:59

You need to accept now that you won't be paying for your dc education. He needs to face up to all the debt, not just what you know of, make an appointment with CAB , Stepchange etc. Why is he not in a salaried job, you need security of income to rebuild a credit rating, especially while you study? Is his work dependant on not being in debt or bankrupt? However I fear the alcoholism is only the tip of the iceberg, he is not likely to be a good husband or father while he drinks and uses you as a cash cow. What happens once it runs out?

PickAChew · 20/10/2019 20:00

I would not be taking out loans without being able to see where every single penny is going. "5-10k as a buffer" is extremely vague and probably the reason why he is in this mess, in the first place.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/10/2019 20:01

I don't think the OP being a SAHM while he was out of work is the issue here. His lack of honesty about his financial situation PRIOR to his period of unemployment is the real problem - they would probably have scraped by during those 10 month and could have used her inheritance to directly cover household bills, instead of using it to pay off a loan!

The OP doing a Master's to get back into the workplace earning a decent salary (I'm assuming that's why she's doing it) also makes sense long-term.

Please don't take out another loan for him, OP, he has to sort this out. It might be better to use some of your inheritance to cover the household bills as this will keep you and the DC secure. I'm so glad you're now keeping your finances independent of his.

These debts are his mess and he needs to sort them out. You can offer emotional support and take pressure off by covering some household bills, but that's it.

Perpetuallyperplexed27 · 20/10/2019 20:01

I used to think money was just money and anyone who ended a relationship over it was shallow. Then I met my ex who bled me dry with gambling, debt and overspending for five years. It isn't just about the money it's what it says about his feelings and respect towards you. He is expecting you to bail him out. He knows you have the money and he will happily take it from you. That sort of attitude is pathetic and childish and tbh it made me lose all respect for my ex.

Only you can decide how far you're willing to go and how much money you're going to throw at him. But I would cut my losses because this is probably going to be ongoing and a way of life for you now.

Aunaturalmama · 20/10/2019 20:01

Also it’s not YOUR inheritance. It’s both of yours if you’re married. Equal partners even if one is struggling. You can leave and bail out and not help your partner but didn’t you vow to stand by his side til death? You do know that means through mental health issues right? Our society loves divorce and to shout leave now but ask those same people how long they themselves have been divorced if they have divorced parents etc getting divorced shouldn’t be the norm. Working through issues should be first. And that’s not asking him to do better it’s forcing him to do better by GETTING HIM HELP. How awful would you feel if you divorced him then one year later you find out he met a lovely woman that helped him through his bullshit? And you couldn’t wait a measly year? Idk I guess marriage means something to me. 🤔

BeesKnees4 · 20/10/2019 20:02

What to do? Leave him, this will never end, he’s borrowing to get out of a never ending hole.
Walk away and put yourself and your kids first.

woodchuck99 · 20/10/2019 20:03

It does seem as if you expect his money to be shared if he is paying the bills and rent whereas your money is yours. Why should he pay for everything anyway so that you can study? Perhaps he wouldn't have debts if you contributed to. If you separate then you will have to share your inheritance anyway.

BeesKnees4 · 20/10/2019 20:04

@Aunaturalmama
Why should OP get him help? She’s tried and he’s stuck in his own mess of his own making. He needs to help himself, what would he do if she didn’t have the inheritance? He sounds hopeless.

PepePig · 20/10/2019 20:04

@Yolo89

Obviously I don't know your circumstances (and nor do I want to, that's private to you), but that makes it even worse due to the situation you're in.

If he had these health issues before children, it seems very selfish going into it knowing you'd essentially be a single parent to your children. If he didn't, it definitely makes the debt worse. He literally only has one responsibility, which is to keep a job and earn enough money for the family. Which he has failed at and left you to clear up. While you also sort the children, I presume do all the housework, cooking, study, do part time work, etc.

Do you see what I'm getting at, here? What does he actually do? Because from my perspective, it seems like he doesn't do anything. It would be one thing if he was out of work but was a SAHD and actually did all the housework, cooking, cleaning etc. But to do nothing?

I take back my previous advice. I'd leave. This isn't fair on you and he won't change. And this isn't an attack on you, nor is it an attack on his illness. I understand an illness shouldn't stop you living a normal life. But similarly, having an illness doesn't mean it's down to your wife to do everything for you, including clearing a 30k debt. You deserve better.

Sunshinelollipops1 · 20/10/2019 20:05

A couple of questions:

  1. Are you married? You say DH, but sometimes people use that for a partner.

I ask this because then you asked how can I be financially separate from him and if you are married you are linked (I don’t mean morally etc, but by law).

You talk about “your inheritance”, but if you are married then it could be considered an asset of the marriage. (I say this in case you divorce).

If you aren’t married it’s much easier.

You need to sit down with your DH you list our every debt. You then draw up a budget every month and you both agree together. If you are both in this together then I would be using inheritance to clear debt (on basis once that is done you can build up savings); however, if he is not totally committed to sorting this out then I think you need to think about separating. He will bleed you dry otherwise.