to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

But what has he been spending his money on? Rent, food, clothes for the kids? If the OP is trying to live off a part-time weekend job, her inheritance is going to get spent very quickly.

It sounds as if your children are going to need the remaining money you have.

Do not give him any more.

Your children's needs come first.

What the heck is a 'buffer zone' for a man so deep in debt? Booze money?

Complete disclosure (because not knowing is so much more worrying than knowing) and a new repayment plan brokered by a debt counselling agency/charity that brings his outgoings within his income and prevents further erosion of your inheritance.

Tough love now, or he won't face reality until all your money is gone.

You know those cartoons where they're crazily laying fresh track ahead of them from the cab of a runaway train? He's the train and the track is your money. What happens when it's all gone?

I’ve been there. I was in my 20’s and kept falling for the excuses. I also left my ID lying around which he used to get credit in my name (the joys of a unisex name). I ended up £20k in debt which took me YEARS to pay off. It will only get worse and desperation to fund the habit turns them into thieves. Run run run!!!! Get support emotionally and leave. Stories like this never end well.

You need a proper chat, if he is getting into more debt due to household expenditure then you should be offering to pay with inheritance.

You should get impartial debt advice, both of you together.

My ex husband was like this, never paid anything towards running the home, treated his own money as his & not shared. He spent money on my credit card, had always "forgotten" his wallet when his car needed petrol, when my marriage ended he left me 25k in debt, unable to pay the debts. I now have a very poor credit rating, am unable to get a mortgage, living in a council house. Please don't be me, refuse all requests & if he causes you any problems, don't feel guilty about ending your marriage.

He knows I can bail him out due to inheritance and so I have to.

What? You don't 'have to'. He's a parasite. Give him nothing. He's chosen to be in debt. It's not your problem.

@Yolo89 have you checked your credit rating and that he hasn’t taken any loans out in your name without you knowing?

It sounds as if you haven’t really been much of a partnership for a while.

When you found out he was £30K in the hole with the tax man, THAT was the point for complete transparency and making a plan as a team.

Instead it seems like you were happy to let him try to ‘cover’ it somehow and you remained as a SAHP and you began paying for a Masters degree.

I can’t afford to be a SAHP and do a Masters. My DH can’t afford to be a SAHP and do a Masters.

You needed a joint plan.

Now it seems like you’re livid with him but at least SOME of this debt must be a joint responsibility.

you know what will drag you down the fastest? the drink problem. if you force him to fact up to his own financial situation and refuse to simply bail him out once more, the self-pity will begin. in AA this is known as poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

i have just left my partner of 5 years. he received a large compensation award for an injury, bought a great big house and had no idea how to run it. there was no money for heating oil twice over one winter. he also has a private health insurance pay out in four figures every month, but would scream at me about why we were skint. my income was £800 disability benefits which covered food and a few bits and bobs, but the plan was very much for him to cover the big stuff, and that we would eventually combine our finances to get things running smoothly.

never happened. £8 a day at least on lager is £225 a month. add in the drugs, the endless parts for cars that never got built and it was a recipe for disaster.

i bailed him out twice. once when i received the equity from the house sale from my second marriage. most of it went on clearing an IVA. what was left, i paid off water bills, filled the heating oil tank up, caught up on everything that was going unpaid.

i then took out a loan, as we had a winter where twice the heating oil ran out. was a guaranteed loan with Amigo, and again most went on big bills, and what i discovered to be an ever-increasing drug habit.

i lost my dad about this time last years. i didn’t tell XP hoe much i was left by him. it was enough to pay a deposit on a bedsit, buy a comfortable sofa bed for my arthritis bones, and to get the fuck out. still cost me a couple of grand in little loans though.

OP, i’m sorry this is happening to you. my advice would be to gently show him the door, let him carry the stress himself. this will not get better, i’m afraid. as i said at the start, the more you push him the angrier he will become and the more he will drink, justifying it as escaping from your insistence that he sort his fucking life out.

best of luck.

I'm curious how the OP is going to support herself if she left him. She has no job.

Yes she does

Tell him he needs to contact step change if your in the UK. Their a debt management company. They charge you nothing it's a charity run organisation. They will help him work out what he can afford to pay and put in in place. He may have to consider filling for bankruptcy mind you if his in that much debt. Do not give him anything you can't afford to write off because your not going to get it back. I would ask for something in writing however about what his had off you because if you later decide its enough and want a divorce he will probably try taking you for as much as he can get. You want proof his already taken what he would be entitled to so you can stop him clearing you out.

My friend did this for her husband and HIS failed businesses. She was the one to take out loans and credit cards. Then he convinced her to remortgage.

Then he left her for another woman. She's now in a shit rental with bad credit.

So he works to pay for all the household bills and all the expenses. You have inheritance that is yours and only yours. So all the earns goes on you and the children you don’t work but want to keep all your money as your own.

What are you contributing to the family finances ? When he was out of work and you werent working what were you living off
What work did he do to rack up £30 k in unpaid taxes

As someone who has never relied on a man for money I don't quite understand how you don't have shared responsibility for the household finances?

I can't understand this either. The not knowing what the income and outgoings are and what sort of budget we were working to.

Apologies if I've missed it OP, but I don't think you've said exactly what he was spending on to build up the debt? If it was general family / household expenses then it is your debt too.

It sounds like he is irresponsible with money, but also that you expect him to cover the bills with his money but not share yours. Not a good partnership.

I might be reading this wrong, but how is he a 'parasite'? Apologies, if I misunderstood something, though.

So before all this everything was well: he had his business, you were a SAHM and studied masters. He covered ALL your household expenses/holidays and life was good (according to you). Money HE earned were 'family money'. Ok.

Then his business went bust and he fell in debt (HIS debt, though!). Now this is important: is the debt related to business/household expenses or is it something solely his: gambling/drugs/etc? As it sounds it's business/household. Yet even though money were 'family's' the debt is 'his'. At the same time, his health deteriorated, and he started drinking (nothing so unusual when your business goes bust).

Now you have inheritance money, which is 'YOURS' (when your husband's wagers were 'family's') and need to be repaid to you. You 'bailed him out' - helped to repay household/business debts and expect the money back (even though you didn't work and didn't contribute to family's expenses before).

Is this right? Then if I'd be your husband, I'd divorce you, get half of your inheritance money (if married), 50/50 custody and find myself a woman who wouldn't bleed ME dry and would stay with me when it's tough, not only when the life is good and the sun's shining.

If the debt is gambling, etc. then it's a different matter.

Whilst I agree your DH seems feckless I want to shake your shoulders and tell you to also get your act together. My mind is boggling that you don’t understand how he got a 30k tax bill and also that you seem so vague about current finances.

If things are tight you should both know and agree where every penny is going. Spreadsheet and budget and allocated spending money.

If he is truly is on a very good salary then belts should have been tightened and the debt paid off as soon as possible.

You just seem so passive to the families finances.

Chazbrillant attitude. That about sums it up. Totally. I just handed over some cash as he was just crying now as he has no money this week.
I just don't know what to say or do any more. He gets angry if I try and say you need to do this etc. I have to say my sympathy runs low as I am still in the dark and he shows no signs of letting me know what is going on. He wants me to get a loan of £5000 to pay of his CCJ debt and £5000 as a buffer zone for him.

@Yolo89

That council tax needs to be paid, otherwise you or he, could end up in prison! Priority payments, are rent, council tax, utilities, and food. Those need paying before any debt repayments.

Next, he needs to contact Stepchange. They can arrange for his repayments to be lower than he's currently paying. You will need to find out everything he owes, and to who, plus you'll need to do a budget of your outgoings.

If you plan on staying with him, you will need to take over the finances, and he will have to live with an allowance. There will be no more money if he spends his allowance before the month is out.

Don't fall for his tears. He's not being transparent. If he wants sympathy, he needs to be open and honest.

If he won't do that, you will have to leave.

The Masters by the way is paid by a bursary and I had a great career in another country but it didn't translate well here and I had to do something else. I had to do this to get myself out of this hole. I don't see why it seems like a luxury, it truly is my ticket back to work and in my area I am guaranteed a job pretty much when I finish.

So he was out of work for ten months a few years back, used the money he was supposed to pay in tax to live off, I guess the debt grew and grew. He said he didn't want to worry me. I had no idea of the magnitude. I haven't been the one lying or concealing. I have asked him many times to sit down and talk about this, He avoids it. He lies about drinking and other things. He was such a lovely bloke but he has dug himself a hole and not told me about it and I don't know where to go

My sons dad took me for thousands and when my money run out he dumped me. Don't leave yourself open to severe financial difficulties. You need to keep the roof over your own head and food in your cupboard, you owe him nothing. Let him lie in the bed he made and withdraw your support!

Lucked - how can I know if he wont tell me?? I know what he gives me and our rent and a few expenses but I don't know the amount of debt he is paying off. He wont tell me .

He went to a counsellor at his work and they recommended a financial person to see so he will email them tomorrow. I will also look up stepchange

I know someone who spent time sleeping in the front fucking room of a tiny rental so her dc could have their own room... the ex was swanning round the fucking world carefree while she was paying off all the debts she took out to help him. He then fucked off and left her in the shit.

This man has lied to you over and over. He needs to dig deep and work out how to get himself back on the straight and narrow HIMSELF

of course he’s not going to like it, but that’s what happens when you lie and drop your family in it up to their necks

Don’t ever bail him out again