to not want to bail DH out financially - again.

[Yolo89]

DH was out of work for 10 months a few years back and he has never recovered fully financially. He got into huge debt and did not really keep me in the picture at all. We got a loan out on my account to help but I ended up paying it off using my inheritance as I was a SAHM. It still didn't help. Then one day the tax man turned up with a demand for £30, 000. I had no idea. I was devastated.

This situation has been somewhat sorted but still remains in debt and I have seen him trying to gain credit from all sorts of sources. He tuns out of money each money and has to rely on my inheritance (I am a studying at the moment so not working) and now has just asked me to see if I can take out another loan of £10, 000 which he will pay off. I am not sure if I could get a loan anyway but I am loathe to bail him out again as I'm pretty sure I will end up paying. I am so angry at him as he keeps me in the dark even though I tell him to tell me what is going on and then expects me to bail him out in some way. I feel he needs to sort this on his own. He has problems with depression and alcohol, and is dragging me down in so many ways. It is all a mess. What would you do? I am fragile so please go easy.

I know this one. I lived The Guilt.

Guilt means he wants you to feel sorry for him. That means you are taking action and making plans. NOT HIM.

It's him that needs to get on board and make the change. You can't because he won't.

I'm on holiday on my own with my kids. I don't know how my divorce will leave me financially.

I know my kids are having a ball and we are all relaxed.

It's a terrible thing. The disappointment of realising your marriage is a sham. And that your h is a lying bastard makes your heart ache for years.

But I tell you now. We are having fun. And we are all relaxed and none of us miss him. None of us do.

Please face up to reality and get rid of him.

LTB means Leave The Bastard.

Don't give him any money. He's trying to make you feel guilty so he can get more money off you. He's the one who should be feeling guilty and ashamed for what he's doing.

If you give him more money, he'll be back for more tomorrow, having spent it. It may only have been £4 (although he's probably lying) but he shouldn't be spending ANY money on beer.

Don't fall for his guilt trip. You are not the unreasonable one here, he is.

Oh, and regarding not knowing what to do, you've been given advice about that. Here are some things to get you started.

Go to MoneySavingExpert and read up about debt.

Run a credit check on your husband. Just fill in the details as if you are him. PPs posted a link earlier in the thread.

Go to the student welfare people at Uni.

Ring the council about the council tax, and find out how much in debt you are with them, and let them know you are a student doing a masters.

I think you should also contact Women's Aid, and Al-Anon (Al-Anon is support for families of alcoholics).

Find your local Gam-Anon, and go. Just to listen. It might end up not being at all relevant to you, or you might feel that suddenly your eyes have been opened.

What does he need money for until Monday? Is there food in the cupboards? He can make lunch. Does his car need fuel? Bring it out yourself and put 20 quid in it. Do not have him cash in any form. No matter what he says he needs it for.

My friend used to give her husband cash to pay off various. She assumed bills were being paid. Until all the final notices started appearing. But they were all mistakes, apparently. He'd sort it out.

He borrowed from friends, family, acquaintances, topped up their mortgage, had numerous credit cards, numerous loans.

There's only a certain amount you can drink. You can gamble as much as you like though. Bookies run tabs for people. Online works with credit cards. You don't actually need hard cash to gamble like you do to drink. And you'll eventually stop spending money when you physically cannot drink anymore.

He's not in thousands of debt just because of drink. Or because he was unemployed for a few months. 30,000 is more than some people's annual salary. And he's blown it, and not cleared any debt by the sounds of it.

He is lying. He is deflecting. He is being a classic, textbook, clichéd addict.

What would he need money for between now and Monday?

If he insists, tell him you'll answer him after you've had full financial disclosure.

So sorry op. You must feel awful.
From your posts this man is making you ill and stressed.

He is the one causing all the money problems and yet has the cheek to blame you. Its not your fault, yet he continually implies it is . This means he doesnt see himself to have any fsult and the problem is yours.
You need to speak to a councillor. Please tell him he is getting no more money.
Are you safe enough? Does he get violent.? Remember his behaviour is abusive

OP, i’ll reiterate - the alcoholism will worsen and he will take you down with him. you cannot save him.

full disclosure: i am myself a recovering alcoholic. sober 5 and a half years. the hideous irony of the man i started a relationship with early in my recovery being a drug addict and alcoholic is not lost on me.

if your husband is hiding booze around the house, seems confused about day to day occurrences, uses paypal in the pub - this is alcoholism. whether or not it has been caused by pressure relating to his business is, at this point, immaterial.

i thought i could save my ex, despite learning during my own recovery that we can only save ourselves.

you need to leave, and you need to make it your absolute priority. don’t let your children grow up in a household with an alcoholic parent. i was raised by alcoholics (would have been better off with wolves) and it definitely contributed to my own alcoholism.

i’m so sorry you’re in this situation. it’s heartbreaking to see the person you love destroying themselves. he passed out on a footpath in the middle of the day and had his property stolen. this is not the behaviour of a person who is in control of their life. this one stark incident should stand out in neon as the reason you need to leave. forget everything else, just remember this.

he will find his own rock bottom. you don’t have to join him on the descent. get out, get your children out, now.

i am living in a damp bedsit, and it’s taken me nearly 3 months to get to a point where i’m not making a fiver last a week. it’s still way, way better than the constant heartsink of finding another hidden can, or having a confused, gakked-out, shambling mess spending all his time muttering to himself and then screaming at me for not being able to follow his train of thought.

get out.

This means he doesnt see himself to have any fsult and the problem is yours.

Or, he might know he is in the shit and it's all about to come crashing down around his ears so he's doing whatever it takes to make you back off.

Or, he's hoping to stall you for a while until he can sort it out, and then he won't have had to worry you. (in his head he'll eventually get that win that will sort it all out.. It's just a matter of time!)

All classic behaviors of a gambling addict.

He spent the last of the money I gave him today and now has no money until Monday. What do I do?

Nothing!
Shrug?
Say ‘Oh dear.’

You don’t have to give him money. He’s got a roof over his head and food in the cupboards.

Have you done the credit check?

This one is free experian.co.uk/

30 days free, just cancel before 30 days

Thanks all for your responses. He has just nearly exploded as I asked him about our finances and said I wanted full disclosure. He said he was looking after it and can't talk about it now as he is so stressed (due to money) and then when he said when - he exploded and told me I never stop. I said you never want to talk.

He explodes, the conversation is over and that is it.

He said everything will be better when he gest paid on Monday. But it wont be. Temporarily. He doesn't know how long his CCJ will take to pay off - he cant give me an exact answer. He has payment plans with god knows who. It is a disaster.

I said he was getting no money from me. I bought stuff for him to make a sandwich.

He makes me out to be the crazy one who pushes him to the edge but it is not normal to explode when your wide asks for full financial disclosure.

Not only that, he totally forgot a conversation we had three days ago, It was regarding an event coming up. Is he forgetting due to so much stress? Depression? He wasn't drinking - he has no money.

It made me so stressed, I've just been in tears. My DC are picking up on al this and I hate it but he explodes at the drop of a hat I cant help but react . He says everything is all about me. Ugh. He finds the house stressful but seems not to think the childrens behaviour might have anything to do with him.

I have applied for an Experian credit check thank you - I don't know all his credit cards so hopefully I answered the questions they asked correctly.

I literally cant talk to him right now as he is just being awful and in an awful place. I cant help him.

Thanks for all your comments - they are helping me work through this all and making me see that it is not me. I don't know much about addiction etc.

I have rung al-anon in the past. I will ask the uni and maybe talk to womens aid. He suggested a couples consellor today which is good though he has no money to pay for it. He also called Stepchange.

When will he stop blaming me - never?
Do you really not think he is capable of recovery or will it take him getting a lot worse?

I just feel so stressed about this all, it makes me feel sick. I have spent so much of this week crying.

Cryalot - yes I do feel safe. He would never get violet. He just explodes and leaves the house and was about to tonight after I questioned him about finances but he has no money to buy beer so nowhere to go.

I don't understand why he wants you to take a loan when you have inheritance money?

He explodes, the conversation is over and that is it.

That is that because you allow it.

You need to say - calmly, in writing if you prefer (by email/text):

I cannot live like this any more - knowing that there are huge debts, CCJs and arrears building up.

If you will not go through all the finances with me, so that we can make a plan together, we need to split up.

The DC should not have to live somewhere where their parents are arguing.

Cut your losses and get rid. He's a financial and emotional drain on you and I fear he will just drag you down with him and you'll end up penniless.

What you know about his finances is just the tip of the iceberg. He's lying through his teeth. That debt is more than he says. And I bet he's got an addiction of some kind.

And why is he spending your money on beer?!?! The cheek of him... OP, stand up for yourself!

No squirrels I have written emails like this saying I cany cope anymore..I NEED to be vetu specific about what i need to happen. he jisy doesnt take me seriously.

he wony ask for my inheritance as a loan as it is in another country and ive said no. niy he is happy to take from.it and me use it every month.

ItI have believed what he has been telling me for so long but I now know he is up tp his ears and diesnt seem.like he is willing tdisclosr anything to me but i am sure he will take it oylut on me when.he gets drunl and tell me i am awful for not fiving him .omey.

he mevet pays school lunches eyc for the children. im.just expected to find the money for everything and he turns a blind eye. Likr he did with the loan I took out. Never ever again.

Simple - I know! Spending my money on beer then coming home and yelling at mevtelling me everything is my fault. Then has the utter cheek to tell me it was only £4. wtf

Be straight. Make it clear that if he won't share details, you won't share cash. If he won't trust you, no way, given his history, will you trust him.

People don't run up 30k debts by accident.

And be hard. He's going to give you a lot of shit for not just yielding. Too bad.

Also, when people invite you to pm them for super secret details about how they dealt with this situation, they're about as trustworthy as he is.

He is an alcoholic. That's why he can't hold down a job. That's where his money goes. That's why he desperately needs money from you to get through the next few days.

Health problems make him drink. Depression makes him drink. You make him drink. Blah blah blah any reason makes him drink.

He is an alcoholic. Why he became an alcoholic is irrelevant today. You live with an alcoholic. Fix that and everything improves.

I have written emails like this saying I cant cope anymore..I NEED to be very specific about what i need to happen. he just doesnt take me seriously.

He doesn't take you seriously because you have not been serious about leaving.

You need to mean it, and follow through.

I agree with NoSquorrels, he doesn't take it seriously as you have not yet left him or taken other action. Please don't take my saying that as being a criticism. Your DC & you should not be living in such a volatile environment, it's not healthy. You all need out, but only you can make that decision.

I agree with you and as I said if I lived near my dad for instance, I would have taken the children there if only temporarily. But I have no one in this country to go to, so I cant follow through on anything right now. I have to live near the school and it is really expensive.

I take what you are saying on board, but it is not that easy. It has taken me months to convince his parents that he has a problem. They cant understand why on earth he would be depressed. They like a drink so probably make light of the drinking. It just is more complex and things need to be done right.

This has really escalated in terms of his depression and ager this year. It has not been going on for years. I thought we were out of the woods financially as he was keeping it from me, but it appears this is far from the truth. I really don't know what the truth is.

I literally cannot talk to him at the moment as everything he says is to blame me.